First AA Experience

[AllLiesAndJest]

Hi Folks. This is going to be a tricky post, as I have only just discovered SR and I've found myself coming back several times a day for tips and motivation to remain sober. I think it's wonderful. So, given that my reflections on my first AA experiences have the potential to alienate or irritate others, I am nervous about sharing my thoughts. I hope I don't annoy or offend anyone. I certainly don't wish to do so.
I went to my first AA meeting yesterday evening, in a small British town not far from home, but far enough away to reduce the likelihood of bumping into someone I know. (Chosen strategy at this early stage - I hope to be braver over time).
After an individual shared her story, others at the meeting then chipped in to empathise, demonstrate overlaps with their own experiences and offer encouragement and support. Everyone seemed to know the drill, so I am assuming this is typical. I've no problems with any of that.
However, I was uncomfortable in two or three key areas, and I would appreciate some help with sorting this out please:
1. Apart from the odd 'hello' as I walked though an unusually large group of smokers outside the entrance, no-one spoke to me at any stage, so I felt like a fly-on-the-wall voyeur.
2. (Here's the difficult one - please bear with me). Everyone who contributed appeared to have come through life with considerably less opportunity than I to establish a decent standard of living: several were out of work, one was homeless and drawing on hostel accommodation, most appeared to be 'just scraping by' in economic terms. None of this has anything to do with their dignity or unique qualities as human beings. Indeed, although my own background is firmly grounded in working class origins, it was clear that life has presented much tougher barriers for others than I have had to overcome. I guess what I'm struggling to put into words is that I heard nothing that I could latch onto as overlaps or analogies, because their life story seemed so different to mine. Please don't misinterpret this. I am certainly not 'looking down my nose' here. I have worked hard to gain a degree and a PhD and to secure a (largely) satisfying career as a teacher, but I know that I have had the opportunity to do so from within a highly committed, functional family and with the encouragement of parents who understood the value of such things. I also have a loving wife or 26 years standing, and we remain deeply committed to one another. I understand and appreciate all these relative advantages. However, I can't escape the feeling that, with such little common ground, I wonder how I can contribute to others' recovery or share my own relatively 'privileged' challenges.
I would appreciate your comments please - especially if your experience of AA has been very different, or if I have simply misunderstood how all this works.
Many thanks. AL&J

[KarenElaine]

Hello AL&J, welcome to SR. I have been 'shopping' meetings for a couple of weeks now, and have found each one different and the group members different. Please do try a few more meetings in other places. If you keep looking you will find one where you feel you fit in. There are a lot of professionals who are recovering alcoholics and they probably tend to go to certain meetings because it's just human to feel most comfortable with people we have more in common with. Mostly, the people at the meetings I've gone to have been very welcoming and open to helping others, but not always. I went to a meeting last night that I had never been to before, and no one said a word to me. But I've been to others where I've felt almost overwhelmed with welcome!

[CarolD]

As you are a teacher...my experience in early AA might help...

I considered AA meetings were classrooms for learning how
to live sober and enjoy it.
The more often I attended...the quicker I could determine how.


Do you have our text book? It's titled Alcoholics Anonymous
and you will often hear it referred to as the BB/Big Book.

There are different types of AA meetings...this link discusses them..

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...A_Meeting.html


Welcome to our recovery community...

[Charmie]

hello and welconme to sr...im sorry your first experience at AA was like it was....the few newcomers we have had walk through the door of my homegroup lately have said they were overcome with the love they were shown on arriving.......in an ideal world and all that.....there are allsorts of folk attend AA and one meeting is not enough to represent the wide variety of members....i have a friend who is a long time sober member of AA (17 years) thats not too far away from you...if you would like to go to a meeting with him give me a shout..hes a good guy

[DayTrader]

Perhaps the "lesson" in their stories, for you anyway, was not that you should identify with their current economic lives....but that even someone of some mean, like you (or like many of us) can see that even those less well of financially have still been able to find happy, content, lives based in spiritual wealth......and sobriety.

It was shocking to me too, at first, to hear ppl who seemingly didn't have much of what I believed would or should make someone happy (nice house, loving spouse, money to spend, vacations to go on, nice vehicles to drive, etc etc....) yet there they were, speaking of living lives full of joy, peace and serenity. It was a BIG lesson to me......perhaps the places I'd had been looking for contentment in were not the real source of happiness? ......didn't seem all that logical but one thing was for sure, MY was wasn't working and THEIR way was.

Such is the way a life lived on a spiritual basis. It sure wasn't a lifestyle I had been much of a believer in but it intrigued me. I figured, if even "those people" found happiness with "so little," I was sure to find it if I tried to live on the same spiritual plane they were living on. So, in a way, their lives were a great motivator for me to move forward and give the AA program a legitimate shot.

......and pardon the "judgement" I alluded to....I'm not necessarily proud of it but thought maybe my experience might help you connect some dots.

DT

[Charmie]

by the way...when i said i was sorry about your first AA experience i was meaning the none welcome...! not the folk that were there.

[AllLiesAndJest]

Thanks for the responses to my post. They were helpful and appreciated. I need to respond specifically to DayTrader, if I may. I recognise where you're coming from DT, but I genuinely do not have 'purchasing power' (or related markers/symbols of this) on my own agenda. I actually live (and am happy to live) a very frugal lifestyle; I am also a committed Christian. KarenElaine linked in well to the point I was making. I was (am?) hoping that my regular participation in AA would equip me with tips and techniques for remaining sober, and to receive and offer support and encouragement to others to do so. As a first time AA participant, it's probably true that my expectations were to be more in "receiving" than "giving" mode. As I have tried to describe, my own life experiences were so utterly different from those who contributed to the group sharing process, that it felt impossible to glean some practical tips. There were no overlaps or elements of common ground in my and their life experiences, at least as far as they were aired yesterday evening. That is not to say that I will not need to examine what spritual deficiencies underpin my enjoyment of feeling alcoholic inebriation at some point further down the jouney of sobriety I have set out on. But at this early stage I guess my needs are much more practical.
Today, for example, was a bit of a challenge: street party right outside my front door to celebrate a certain wedding. The British way of having a good time (especially at such group events) is firmly focused around booze. I am a natural introvert, so am not a comfortable party animal at the best of times! So the last 8 hours sitting outside with a group of folk who were slowly but surely getting p****d was a very practical challenge for me on Day 6. This is the kind of day-to-day event that I need to address. I recognise how utterly trivial this is compared to hearing someone at an AA meeting describe how they've coped with being abused as a child, lived through a violent marriage and found themselves in a refuge for battered women. My needs are truely pathetic by comparison. Despite this, I am still keen to find a fellowship of support if I can.

[Sasha4]

I don't know if this is of any help to you - but I hope so.

I have tried a number of meetings and met a number of different types of people with addiction. Some like me, others different, but we share the same affliction.

And many warned me - I was were you were - still had a home, a job, a relationship, a family - don't end up like me. Really lovely people from all walks of life. One a doctor, one a dfs salesman, one a social worker, one from the deli at Asda.

I'm in the UK and I found today hard.
For me stacks of booze does not celebrate love and marriage.
Perhaps we celebrate in our own way, quietly making excuses to leave early.

But above all - some of these members of AA have suffered horrific lows and bottoms and would do anything to stop you experiencing them yourself.

I think that the awkwardness is not directed to you - it's part and parcel of a group a people suffering a disease. I find at first there is awkwardness, but at the end of the meeting there is usually laughter and light hearted banter.

Please keep recovering and coming back here.

xx

[BadCompany]

Originally Posted by AllLiesAndJest

However, I can't escape the feeling that, with such little common ground, I wonder how I can contribute to others' recovery or share my own relatively 'privileged' challenges.
I would appreciate your comments please - especially if your experience of AA has been very different, or if I have simply misunderstood how all this works.
Many thanks. AL&J

You have observed one of the quirks of AA. At first blush, it would seem that you have little in common with those around you, but as you sit and listen you will find that you share more with them than you do your workmates. You will hear them talk of the many attempts at quitting and controlling their drinking and many will mirror your own failed attempts. You will find that showing up drunk at the wrong time is just as humiliating for someone on the docks as it is in the board room. The lies and excuses we all told ourselves, the ones that set us so far apart from the rest of the world, are as common as dirt for those of us at an AA meeting.

By the same token, the fears and resentments we all must face takes the same amount of courage no matter who we are or where we come from. Our struggles with family, friends, work over our drinking and recovery, the fear of attending our first drinking event sober, all are shared equally amongst all of us.

One day a newcomer will walk into a meeting and you will realize that you already know everything important about him but his name.

[CarolD]

Hmm..AJ .

there is a book some of us members found useful along the
lines you mentioned re tips....it's title...Living Sober.

It may still be found in on line bookstores ..tho I've not looked.

Here is a recent thread discussing it...sort of....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ur-advice.html (Big Book or Living Sober for New Comers - Need Your Advice)

[TigerLili]

After an individual shared her story, others at the meeting then chipped in to empathise, demonstrate overlaps with their own experiences and offer encouragement and support. Everyone seemed to know the drill, so I am assuming this is typical. I've no problems with any of that.

That hasn't been my experience so I'm thinking this is not a typical meeting, or a type of meeting we don't have here. People share on their own experience and in most meetings 'cross-talk' or commenting on other people's shares is expressly discouraged.

I wonder if you interpreted what you heard differently to others at the meeting. Often, one person's share will influence what another person shares about, or the might say 'I really related to the last speaker', but they are still sharing on their own experience. I'm not sure what you mean by chipping in - again I've never been to a meeting where people just freely commented on what someone just shared. Usually the chair calls each speaker, the person shares for a few minutes on the topic of the meeting or whatever they need to share about, and then another speaker is called. There is no discussion on what was just shared.

[Eddiebuckle]

ALAJ,

Congratulations on your six days!

The irony is that despite the differences in the paths taken, all the individuals at your meeting today ended up in the same place. Alcohol bears no prejudice in social standing, education, wealth, or temperment. When I went to my first meeting after treatment, I found that I couldn't identify with many of the people in that room. I sought and found meetings in which I was more comfortable, comprised of people more "like me." I've been sober for sixteen months and I now go to that first meeting from time to time.

Seek other meetings, and find one (ideally several) that speaks to you. Each meeting is different due to the individuals that attend, and the traditions and mores of each. I was fortunate to find one in particular that I found intersting, challenging and spiritually vibrant. When you find "your" meeting, pay attention to the men who seem best to "get it." Ask one of them to be your temporary sponsor. The rest will work itself out.

Your challenge is exactly the same as everyone else in AA: achieving lasting sobriety. When you have found what works for you there will be plenty to share, regardless the audience.

[Taking5]

I went to my first AA meeting yesterday evening, in a small British town not far from home, but far enough away to reduce the likelihood of bumping into someone I know. (Chosen strategy at this early stage - I hope to be braver over time).

You realize, of course, if everyone adopted this approach then you'd be driving 20 miles only to be in a meeting full of drunks from your home town, while meetings in your home town would be full of drunks from surrounding towns.

Relax. If you see someone you know, you are both there for the same reason. I used these chance encounters to get to know people better.

[Lainnie]

I'm going into day 4 of my sobriety. To me, that's nothing! I've gone 4 days with out drinking, I've gone a whole week with out drinking, but this is the first time I've quit knowing that I CAN'T drink ever again. I've managed to push everyone that loves me away. I've almost ruined my marriage and on numerous occasions put my life and others in danger all because I drank! I really need some inspiration! Please help!!

[LexieCat]

Hi, Lainnie!

Have you been to an AA meeting yet? It's the best place I know to find hope and inspiration. I remember going into my first meeting for myself (I'd been many times to support others, but it was still scary when I was going for myself) and it was just such a RELIEF to be done, and to be with other people who could show me how it's done.

The best thing I heard at that meeting was, "You NEVER have to feel this way again."

Hugs, glad you're here.

[Dee74]

Welcome Lainnie

SR has been a great support to me, and a great help to me in turning my life around.
You'll find a lot of ideas and support here

D

[katpoo]

hey all lies and jest,

why would you put yourself through an eight hour street party with everyone getting pi*sed?? Would you go and sit in a hair dressers for eight hours if you were not going to get your hair cut??

I think when we are getting sober we need to have a degree of selfishness, we need to say no to things that are going to make life difficult for us.

I have given myself the permission to use recovery fibs. If I dont think it will be helpful to go to a do, then I have a prior engagement, gastric flu whatever if I think just a no thank you will offend. Like you I am shy to go into a meeting on my own, so I phone up and pretend I dont know where it is and ask somebody to meet me on the street corner. If you go in with somebody then people automatically start to talk to you.

I am sure all of us were as cunning as a box of monkey's in our drinking and trying to hide it, so we are wll able to use it in a positive way to get/keep us on the path. Just my thoughts