how to prove to people i am getting well

[dragon15]

I have been recovering for some time, a few months ago i started drinking again with my new wife, now we have a son and she is forcing me to stop or she will leave with my son, there is a lot more to the story, both on her side and mine. i have stopped drinking for a week now and it is pretty easy so far becasue i want to keep my son. the thing is she says now i have to go to 6 month rehab before she will believe me. i am going to regular AA meetings and have proven i am not in need of drink 24/7. is she finding a reason to leave? i refuse to go to rehab for 6 months because it will take me away from my family....... i know this is vague, but what do i do??

thank u
dragon15

[aasharon90]

It takes time to regain the trust we lost
from those close to us. Esp. family members.

They r the ones that live with us and see us
on a daily bases. They see our actions and
hear our words.

It's not just the fact of not drinking anymore.


We have been given 12 steps and principles
set down before us to LIVE by. We live them
in our everyday affairs.

Did you say new wife? Did she know about ur
drinking habits before u wed? Or did u stop
just enough to let her see u sober for a time?

Did she see one side of you and now the other?

My first husband and i drank when we dated. I
more so than he. He nor i had any clue as to the
extent of my drinking until my behavior said it all.

I would use excuses to leave the house just so
i could drink more. Reason being he was a "normie".

7 yrs of drinking and martial problems then family
stepped in with an intervention doing for me what i
couldnt do for myself.

I went into a 28day rehab recieveing the tools and
knowledge of my disease od alcoholism . To learn
to live one day at a time following the suggestions
by others to guide me.

I went to many many meetings listening and obsorbing
all that i could from others that had managed to
stay sober for a many ODAAT.

I continued on my journey changing along the way
and leaving my family puzzeled at what had happened
to me.

There were programs available for them if needed and
yet they werent the ones sick.

My 25 yr marriage recently ended due to many reasons
but one in particular was due to lack of understanding
me and my recovery.

Im remarried to someone in recovery. Our marriage
is based on trust and honesty. A 12 step program
and faith in a Power greater than us to guide us every
step of the way.

There r no secrets and that has allowed us to live
happy joyous and free.

[dragon15]

yes she knew i drank and she drank just as much until we had our child.. now she is not drinking and i continued.... now i am the bad guy... yes i know my actions when i have had to much every once in a while are not good... i am controling that. but it seems to not be enough... ow i have had to stop cold turkey just so she wont leave... and she even drank with me as little as 2 weeks ago

[serenityqueen]

You said you have been recovering for some time and then a few months ago you drank. Are you an alcoholic?

[LuvinMe]

Originally Posted by dragon15

I have been recovering for some time, a few months ago i started drinking again with my new wife, now we have a son and she is forcing me to stop or she will leave with my son, there is a lot more to the story, both on her side and mine. i have stopped drinking for a week now and it is pretty easy so far becasue i want to keep my son. the thing is she says now i have to go to 6 month rehab before she will believe me. i am going to regular AA meetings and have proven i am not in need of drink 24/7. is she finding a reason to leave? i refuse to go to rehab for 6 months because it will take me away from my family....... i know this is vague, but what do i do??

thank u
dragon15

A week in recovery world is an hour... Do you really expect her to trust and believe in you? So Soon...?

Do you believe in yourself?

Rebuilding trust is gonna take some time mate. You gotta work hard to regain it, and that means helping YOURSELF....

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by dragon15

I have been recovering for some time, a few months ago i started drinking again with my new wife. i am going to regular AA meetings and have proven i am not in need of drink 24/7. is she finding a reason to leave? i refuse to go to rehab for 6 months because it will take me away from my family....... i know this is vague, but what do i do??
thank u
dragon15

I never needed to drink 24/7 was/am just as alcoholic as the next guy, my disease just hadn't progressed as far.

Your 'recovery program' does seem pretty vague, seems only to consist of going to AA meetings, and telling her that you're not drinking.

She's probably dealing with the same person, sans alcohol, so I can hardly blame her for not trusting you.

The AA program is a catalyst for changing the alcoholic, work the program, become a better person, and you can win the trust of your wife back.

[aasharon90]

When i was in treatment my spouse removed
all the alcohol from the house as well as any
objects that would tempt me to drink.

No he didnt have to, but out of being curteous
and respect he did. He didnt need alcohol for
himself.

For me that was a big help esp. just coming
home from rehab and still harboring resentments
for what my family did to me. However it was
a blessing.

I was the one that had to make changes in
my life if i was to stay sober. I was the one
to go to any lengths to stay sober. And I
wanted to for myself because i didnt want
to be sent away from my family any longer
than i had.

28 days in rehab plus a 6 weeks outpatiant
aftercare program instead of out of state
halfway house for 3 months or so.

So i did what i needed to do since my life
depended on it.

I had a program to work and a family to care
for. And i did one day at a time.

Is she supportive of u? Would she be willing
to help anyway she can if u chose to go
to rehab? Rehab isnt for everyone, however
i needed it because alcohol kicked my butt
and i tried to end my misery. My family didnt
know what else to do for me except call the
authorites and get me help.

Rehab wasnt fun however it was a safe haven
to keep me in a controled inviroment where
alcohol wasnt available and it allowed me to
learn about alcoholism and its affects on me
and why not others.

Educating urself about this is not the end of
the world. It saved my life and has made me
a better person.

And i enjoy life without alcohol.

[LauraS]

Six months seems quite excessive. Maybe you both could compromise and consider a shorter period for rehab.

[dragon15]

thanks guys........

didnt want to add a lot to the story... but trust me.... has not just been a few aa meetings and 6 days sober...

thanks!

[kwigers]

I can take a scrap of information, a comment, a word and run wild with it. I can make up stories and twists and turns and possibilities for anyone and anything almost anytime I choose to. I can take a thought and it becomes a story and pretty soon I believe it!

Recovery is about focusing on ourselves, that is the selfish part of the program, we have to stop looking outward and bring our focus back inward. When we are wanting someone to think something about us or to treat us a certain way, we are setting ourselves up with expectations. There is no need to prove anything...simply get your head in the program, and out of her business and you will be amazed before you are half way through!!!!
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl

[bballdad]

maybe she could accompany you to a few of those AA meetings or possibly ala-non?

[gyco]

hi dragon,AA is not for all,nor is rehab,as far as her telling you what to do,normally it doesnt go over well witha person with an alchohol problem,remember your an alchoholic,when you say you are,neither her,or your child ,will prevent you from drinking,proven fact,neither will AA,it will teach you how to live sober,who knows more about drink,a person that drank for 5 years and was down and out,or a person who drank for 4o years,reverse psycology,the one that has a good program,will teach you how to remain sober,hopefully. the steps are directions for a better life,good luck to you gyco

[Cubile75]

Dragon... Hard for me to comment, I guess I would like to hear a little more. There are 6 month rehabs for a reason, some folks need them, and they benefit from them. There is a 12-18 month rehab near where I live, I know some people who have been through that program and are grateful to have done so, also grateful, I guess, that they could afford it!!

Anyway, do you mind if I ask... have you been to rehab before?

That is a long time, 6 months... if you were to really, truly work the 12 step program with AA and got a good sponsor, did service work... I mean, really do it, you will recover... rehab or no rehab, IMHO. Also, even if you did the rehab, and did not follow AA's path completely, you might not recover... IMHO

I would balk at a 6 month rehab myself, but as I implied above, there are those who do it, and they have no regrets.

Mark

[dragon15]

thank you all so much that is what i needed to hear... guess i feel more alone then anything

[meditation]

It seems to me that you could set up drug screening with your doctor OR with a drug counselor and do some one on one counseling instead of rehab.

I know that the drug counselor that screened me for rehab did have monitoring services and if you have clean drug/ alcohol screens that should prove to your wife that you are abiding by her terms plus some counseling never ever hurts.

Here is why I would not go to rehab:
1- More than likely you will be paying a huge huge sum of money 30k perhaps without insurance for 30 -90 days and they will gladly take your money and send you to free AA meetings.

2- I spent the money and 3 months in a rehab and I came out with some huge resentments and anger... If I had not been so determined to win at coming off drugs I believe that I would have relapsed. I am one determined person.

6 months is insane unless you have a huge huge problem

[dragon15]

that is what i keep telling them.... i only drink at night most the time.... i do drink during the day on weekends.... but never during the day... i am a teacher and love my job...

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by dragon15

that is what i keep telling them.... i only drink at night most the time.... i do drink during the day on weekends.... but never during the day... i am a teacher and love my job...

Yeah, I played the same game, telling myself that I wasn't alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday, never drank at home, etc..................
Have since come to believe, these things I didn't do were just waiting down the path I was on. And are waiting for me still, if I decide to go back down that road.

[jimhere]

Here's a consideration: Maybe they need a break from you.

We alkies are so self-centered and grandiose. We get sober and expect everyone whose trust we have trampled on and whose hopes we have dashed for years to trust us again. In reality, at least in my case, I had no right to expect them to ever want to speak to me again.

I was married for ten years, with one son who was eight years old when I got sober. During those years, my drinking got progressively worse. I think during those ten years, I maybe had one stretch of abstinence that was about eight months long. Usually it wasn't even sixty days. She'd leave or threaten to leave and I'd straighten up, go to treatment and go to AA long enough to build up her hopes again. Then I'd get drunk and dash those hopes and disapoint them and disapiont me and break their heart and break my heart. I get mean and abusive when I drink. They never knew if it was Santa Claus or the devil that was going to show up. I tore my life up and built it back again so many times that in the end there weren't any pieces left to put back together.

She finally ended up leaving for good and I finally got sober. Two months away from my last drink I was full of remorse, guilt, resentment, and self-pity. I felt really bad because I awakened to the harm I had caused, but had no way to reconcile it. I'd heard something about amends, so off I marched over to the house where I used to live. Unannounced (TA-DA! Look at me I'm sober!) I go to the door and give her a bunch of mumbly, sorry-ass stuff that she'd been hearing for years. I had no right to ever expect her to believe me or want to talk to me again. Her response was "I know you're sorry. You're a sorry S.O.B.! Now get the hell out of here because I called the cops." I ended up spending a day in jail for breaking a restraining order. Fast forward a year or so later after I'd gotten a sponsor and had taken the steps. I'm in amends and at the door again. This time I called and asked if it was okay if I came over and could she give me a little of her time to hear my amends. This time I knew why I was there. It wasn't about being sorry or feeling better because I was free. I was there to help her get free. I asked how I'd harmed her and shut up and listened while she took a good hour to tell me. During that hour she got free. Then I asked her how I could make it right and shut up and listen some more while she told me.

We never got back together again. But the long and short of the story is that it took years for them to trust me again. Years of me showing up when I said I would and doing what I said I was going to do. I think for the first five years or so my boy was suprised when I showed up at his ball games. He was fourteen before we really had a good father to son talk.
Jim

[Cubile75]

Thanx for sharing Jim.

[dragon15]

what about trying not to hold my wife in contempt...... resenting her for it.... ??

dragon15

[Cubile75]

Originally Posted by dragon15

what about trying not to hold my wife in contempt...... resenting her for it.... ??

What are you getting at?

[gyco]

hi dragon i thot id continue on with you,i havent been here for a while,anything resolved,i like what someone said,even tho going to rehab,doesnt mean it will help,normal is 30 days mine just extended an xtra day,i was in for 31 days,i was sober for 4 months b4 i went in,most of the dry ,was on my own,mine also was paid by my benefits,also after being in i held resentment s for a while,it wont do no harm,as far as six months,tell her,you'll go if she joins you,by the way i went to a place called home wood in guelph,Ont Canada,didnt cost 30 thousand neither,more like about 10000,also if you happen to go,where ever,stay at least in a double room,helps to have a partner in crime hahha,i do wish you well,if you want more just email me im happy to help gyco