Thoughts on Step One--comments or thoughts welcome

[nandm]

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (our problem) and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step one is the gateway to the recovery process. Without it, there is very little hoep that we can effectively achieve our goal.

In this crucial step we are called upon to admit our personal powerlessness over the dilemma in which we find ourselves. We are called upon to admit that our life has reached a state of such disrepair that we see no possibility of ever setting it right again.

Despite all that we have been taught about never giving up, never yelling "uncle," never admitting defeat, we now find ourselves facing the unrelenting fact that all of our old beliefs have withered and blown away in the reality of our present situation.

We shall learn, as we pursue Step One, that we are facing some puzzling paradoxes: "We have to surrender to win," "To keep what we have, we have to give it away." "Failure is not final--it is actually a stepping stone to success."

Are these contradictory thoughts? We don't think so. They have proven valid for many of us.

Quoted from "Step by Step, daily meditations for living the twelve steps by Muriel Zink.

I fought for way too many years with Step One. I could not understand how I could win in nearly everything else in my life but when it came to alcohol I failed so many times. Those mornings I would wake up and pray that my car was outside, I had not done anything too stupid or bad, swearing I would not drink that day but knowing that I have said that before and failed, etc....

It was only when I was to the point of no longer being able to live with alcohol but not knowing how to live without it that I was able to surrender and start working the program of A.A.

Fully working Step One has been an essential part of my recovery. Since the first day I accepted that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol and that because of my alcoholism my life had become out of control and unmanageable, I have not wavered from the knowledge that drinking is NOT an option for me.

How about you. How has Step One affected your life? Any thoughts or comments?

[sugErspun]

Step One

In my experience, step one created a foundation of willingness.

For years I attend AA meetings and read the book, sort of do the steps, maybe go to a function have a sponsor that I don't really listen to - basically doing things my own way. Life got better! I would be 3,6,9 months sober and the job would straighten out, I would get some money, physically I feel a lot better, get a new girlfriend - whatever.

Time and again, I would end up getting drunk. Once I was sober for almost 2 years, and drank again - with full knowledge of what could happen if I did. This was baffling to me.

The last time I drank, I called someone from AA, which I had never done in the past when drinking and basically reached out - I was given the number of someone who lived closer to me and I gave him a call. I was desperate - I could not continue to drink, yet I couldn't stay away.

I began meeting with this man weekly, he asked that I approach the book with him as if I had no idea what my problem was. We talked about my drinking, and read the book a little, starting on the title page. We turned the statements into questions ("Is this me?","Have I drank/felt like this?") Each day I said a simple prayer:

"God, please help me to set aside the things I think I know about myself, my illness, the 12 steps and you(God) for an open mind and new experience with myself, my illness, the 12 steps and especially you, God"

That means even after saying I am alcoholic for years, I had to be open to the possibility that maybe I wasn't...Take an unobjective look at myself, and an alcoholic and do I truly find myself there (because we all know that AA can ruin the drinking of anyone - even a non-alcoholic).

The book and this program began to open up to me. I could relate to the phenomenon of craving, which the book described as the result of an allergy to alcohol, when I get a little into my system, my body craves more - this power of the craving will override any thought to the contrary. It would take an outside force for me to stop drinking (in my case it was a hospital bed) - Also I could relate to the insanity of picking up another drink with full knowledge of what would happen if I do (develop craving, can't stop, death). And the subtle ways that I get myself back to the first drink.

It was a rather morbid feeling - there was no hope for me. I carry around a condition that will have me dead, and there is nothing I can do about it. I will drink again and for me to drink is to die.

I have a hopeless condition and I feel it deep down - this is step one for me.

Not a pretty picture.

I became willing to do anything that was offered, no matter what the cost.

[hairgirl]

I have learned there is something to coming back as often as needed and redoing steps.The healing mind changes through the days, and I have enjoyed seeing how much healing I have done over the months I remained sober,when I do this step over and over.

[barb dwyer]

Every day ... is step one.

My sponsor says all the time - 'one, two, three...'

[Patches Pal]

When I drink I experience the phenomenon of craving -- an overwhelming desire for more alcohol. When I did not drink I would be restless, irritable and discontent and unable to bring to mind how badly I needed and wanted to not drink. Step one was easy -- alcohol was my master. I tried everything. I was beyond human help. Where else was I to turn but to Step 2?

[bravenewworld]

I have been seeing a professional for several months. This person had work at a rehab clinic and is now in private practice. I was sure that weekly appointments would help me solve my drinking problems and I resisted going to AA meetings. I managed to drink less, but still drink.

Then on Sunday, after drinking non stop for two days, I realized I was kidding myself and that I was unable to "control" the drinking. Why do I drink? Oblivion, energy (I can go non-stop for several hours). Anyway, Sunday night I started reading the Big Book online and Monday morning I found this site.

I fully admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. For the past 3 years I have pretended to be this person that was on top of everything - damn near perfect. In the mean time my spirit was dying.

I'm glad I found SR. I'm glad I'm not alone.

[gravity]

Originally Posted by bravenewworld

I fully admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. For the past 3 years I have pretended to be this person that was on top of everything - damn near perfect. In the mean time my spirit was dying.

This is such a breakthrough. This happened to me 31 days ago. Pretending to be perfect, my spirit dying. I have to remember this, always.

[bravenewworld]

Originally Posted by gravity

This is such a breakthrough. This happened to me 31 days ago. Pretending to be perfect, my spirit dying. I have to remember this, always.

Yes, I too will remember the way I felt Sunday night. I don't want to go back. I want my life BACK. I want my faith BACK.

Thanks for listening.

[gravity]

Originally Posted by bravenewworld

Yes, I too will remember the way I felt Sunday night. I don't want to go back. I want my life BACK. I want my faith BACK.

It can happen amazingly quick. I have gone from total despair and hopelessness to feeling good about myself in a month. My faith is being restored, my life is good (not perfect ). I really have hope. The cornerstone is accepting that I can't drink. Period. It is actually a relief to stop fighting with myself over this.

Takes a lot of work but believe in yourself.

[sugErspun]

Thanks for sharing - both gravity and bravenewworld (I am reading a Huxley book right now )

For me - I remember the torture, what it was like, how I felt, the despair the pain, the hopelessness. I pray that I never forget it.

But not for one second do I think that remembering what it was like will keep me sober. My memories are not more powerful than myself - therefore they will not be able to keep me sober.

Like the Doctor's Opinion says - I need an ENTIRE psychic change - and I don't even know what that really means. Some people call it a 'new mind' - but I cannot place expectations on what that will be.

I am open for it to happen. I ask for help from someone in AA who has what I want - and they show me what they did, and it ties back to the book (so I know that what they are telling me isn't some middle of the road solution that they came up with themselves). I do what they say because I want what they have and before I know it - results. Not what I expected - I got much much more than I dreamed.

A reason to live.