Barely Hanging on!!!!!!!!!

[crawlingout]

Yes,,, I'm crawling out,,,,, out of the bottle and into reality,,,, which has caused me to realize just how much of life has left me and passed me by!!! I can't believe I have continued this pattern of sobering up,,, drying out,,, maintaining sobriety for sometimes lengthy periods at a time,,,, to only climb back into the bottle and bring havoc into my life again!!!! They say that it is insane to have suffered all the tradgedy,,, all the losses of friends as well as family,,,, the financial burdens of having to deal with the legal system,,,, to end up in hospitals for both mental and physical issues,,, to come so close to death on numerous occasions,,, to have to have your life put into a judges hands!!!! YES THIS LIFE OF MINE IS INSANE!!! I have lost absolutely everything except this tragic life!!! Truly I'm lost,,, don't think I have the ability to start over one more time!!!! I'm 48yrs. old,,,, jobless,,, living with my father out in the middle of nowhere,,,, no drivers license,,,, no friends (as they have all given up on me),,, rest of family have ostersized me,,,, guess I'm just completely alone!!!!! Have tried turning my life over to God as my higher power,,, especially the last time I sobered up!!! Had success for about 6mos. before falling again!!!! Just don't feel worthy enough to even ask for his help anymore!!! Anyone that would care to just say hi,,, share and or give advice,,,, I'm here looking for something!!! Hopefully I'll know what it is when I find it!!! Thanks CRAWLINGOUT!!!

[cookconfay]

Reminds me of where I came from. . .THANKS! You don't ever have to feel like this again. At least you are still aware of what's going on. At least you have been introduced to a "different way of life". A friend told me when I was on my way to detox and to my like 4th or 5th treatment center. . ."I knew as long as you were still breathing, there was still hope". So true, so true. The choice is yours. . .what lengths are you willing to go to?

[sunshine321]

Just saying hi because it sounds like you need people to talk to. I hope this time you find success in treatment and can figure out that being in control of yourself is a lot better than feeling out of control or having everyone and everything else control of you. I do know someone who has finally gotten sober and has not fallen off in a very long time. It took him many tries and many treatment centers and many job losses, loss of friends and family, etc. to finally live a life free of pain and isolation. He did it and so can you!

You've got to believe in yourself and that there is something out there to help you get where you want to be. Underneath all that addiction is a good person. Know that.

Hope, faith & love
jenny

[splendra]

(((((((crawlingout))))))))))

I love your screen name! Welcome! It does sound like you have taken quite a tumble. I think coming here is a great step in the right direction.

Keep posting and reaching out it helps so much...

You might also want to look at some of the other forums here especially the Alcoholics forum here at this sight you will get lots of support there...

[needtobefree]

Never give up on yourself, with help and support you can do this and you deserve to live a life of joy and sobriety. I second splendra's comment re the other forum, there's a lot of posts there you might relate to. Good to see you here and welcome, I'm new too :0)

[crawlingout]

Hi guys and gals,,,,, I really appreciate the words that you all share. It does bring some kind of sigh,, I guess of relief or just merely I'm taking a breath!!! Just knowing that there are people out there that would even take the time to acknowledge I exist!!! My days really suck and all I keep thinking about is how a drink will make the feelings I have go away!!! Guess it's a combination of feelings that make me want that,,,,,, that are not good!!! I'm just in a situation where I can't wait to close my eyes at night, but then dread them opening up the next day!!! I have felt lost so many times in my life before, but this truly takes the cake!!! Honestly I look for people to reach out to me in my daily life,,, wether from an AA group or from say the local church,,, I expect that,,,, as that is what they claim to do,,, help the helpless,,, alcoholics helping alcoholics,,,, reach out to those in need!!! Well thats what they claim to do!!! I'm at this point in my life,,, very introverted,,, withdrawn,,, can't find it in myself to reach out,, no matter how deep I reach!!! Trust me it isn't pride,,, I have none left!!!! I was reading a bit in the big book lastnight and the part that keeps playing back in my mind like a recording is this,, Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves completely to this simple program. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault,, they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest!!! I keep thinking I must be one of those unfortunates,,, there really is no other explanation!!! I'm still sober today for no other reason other than my father has taken on the resposibility of managing my money!!! Can you really imagine being 48yrs. old and having your 68yr. old father in charge of your finances!! What really is wrong with that picture? As I said I have no pride left at all!!! You all have a great sober day!! Thanks for everything

[needtobefree]

My days really suck and all I keep thinking about is how a drink will make the feelings I have go away

I was the same, drink to take away the feelings but then it only feels worse when you wake up the next day and the problems don't go away eh.

I'm at this point in my life,,, very introverted,,, withdrawn,,, can't find it in myself to reach out,, no matter how deep I reach!!!

That's a part of of the isolation we put ourselves through, again I understand as I've been there myself. Once you've done it once it gets easier. I'm glad you came here - way to go :0)

[savoy]

Let Go!

[jimhere]

Hanging on is hard work.

[ramki]

It is better to be Mr.Late than Late Mr.
Trust god

[yeahgr8]

Hey Crawlingout!

I hope that 09 turns into your year and, somehow, you get a new direction and a break of some sort and i firmly believe that if you stay sober totally you may find that something will catch your eye!

Good luck and keep coming back:-)

[CarolD]

ramki.... to see a new member...

Why not come to our main page and start
a thread of your own?
Then members will see you easier and reply.

[jerr1977]

Welcome to the club!

[CarolD]

jerr1977...

I suggest you also begin a thread of introduction
on our main discussion forums.

Welcome to SR!

[TWD660]

Listen , I'm there with you, lost it all, fell of the wagon hard when i recieved my divorce papers in the mail, Talking about being final!!!!!! Ive been to rehab , i'e thought of ending it all, and i've thought of other more horrible things, But with the help of agood friend , I'm hanging on just like you, GOD BLESS, BE STRONG

[lostheart]

i am not a recovering but a loved one of a recovering. sounds like you are headed in the right direction, just by joining the site. These people are wonderful and i am realizing we are all learning and healing together.

stay strong