Discussion and Sharing Welcomed!

[CarolD]

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

[mikel60]

Hi all,

My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic. My recovery in AA started when I took the first step. For me, I think this occurred when I attended my first AA meeting. Mind you, I wasn't aware of it at the time, but my attendance at the meeting was an admission of powerlessness. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I had been drinking for twenty years - starting at age 16 - the last eight of which I wouldn't wish on anyone. Once I got going I couldn't stop. The progression of my disease was gradual - but inevitable. I went from the fun of keg parties down the park and frat parties at school to ten day benders that only ended when I was too tired to go on.

Throughout this time I was able to cling to a job, but I knew that it would soon be gone. Many nights I didn't want to drink, but found myself in a Jameson induced stupor at 2 am with no idea how it happened. Something had to change. I was completely powerless.

Somehow one night I crawled to an AA meeting. When the time came for me to introduce myself I found myself saying that i was an alcoholic. As for my life being unmanageable - I basically had no life. That's unmanageability. I was a college educated man living on the third floor of his sister's house with a TV on an empty milkcrate, two pairs of pants, three shirts, a futon to sleep on, and an empty refrigerator.

Things are different now. I've been sober ten years and the journey has been awesome. I've got a wife, a two year-old daughter, a five week old son, am working on my doctorate, and i believe and trust in my higher power.

It all started with step one - a simple admission that I was a drunk and my life was out of control. That's all it took. The rest of the steps helped take care of the rest.

Well, that's all from me. Hope to hear from others,

Mike in Boston



sheilas(and liam's)dad

[dgillz]

It took an old timer at my first voluntary AA meeting to make me realize I was powerless. (I had gone to 6 court ordered AA meeting a few years before but couldn't tell you a thing about AA even afterwards).

I went to the meeting, which was very tough, and when it came time to ask about newcomers, I introduced myself saying "I am here to beat my problem".

Afterwards the oldtimer said "Man, you aren't gonna beat anything in there, your ass has already been whipped", and then walked away abruptly.

This had the effect of pissing me off, but after I calmed down and thought about it, he was right. I had already tried to beat alcohol numerous times and failed miserably. I read some more AA literature and tied in the concepts of "powerless" and "surrender". I thanked God in my prayers that night that this man had the courage and insight to respond to me in this manner, and I knew that I had finally understood step one.

Dgillz

[scootinbabe]

boy this is going to be great...you can see it already!

i was desperate to get help when i finally stepped way out of my comfort zone and went to an aa meeting. i had been trying on my own for probably close to 10 years. i had yet another blackout and said "this is IT" and started looking for someone--ANYONE--to teach me how to cope with this addiction and controll-less-ness that i have.

haven't look back since and have met some wonderful people along the way so far!

[mandyw]

I want to take the first step. I have been to AA and NA and although I felt at the time I was taking it serious, I see now I don't have a damn clue how to fix this. I am an addict and I am 100% powerless over my addiction.

[CarolD]

I kinda came into this step backwards.


For years I had vowed that if alcohol
affected with my work...I would quit drinking.

I got fired and was in an AA meeting a few hours later.

Then I was astounded to find I could not quit
when I desired to do so.

Egads! I was powerless and my life had become
unmanageable..

To surrender and let go of the delusions was the key for me.

Thanks for letting me share

[chip]

Welcome to this forum, Dgillz & Mike60!

My name is chip, and I am profoundly alcoholic.

For me, I started working on my 1st step before I came to AA. Years ago, I started wondering why alcohol was so cunning baffling and powerful in my life. I started to notice that people around me didn't drink the same way I did, and that I would always take things farther than anybody else. I wore this like a badge of honour when I was in university. I was proud to be the "party animal". Later in life, after I stopped going to partys and bars, I found that I'd taken my black-out drinking habit underground. I couldn't seem to shake this horrible habit. I drank when I didn't want to drink.

During my drinking days, the questions began to pile up. I wondered: Why can't I stop myself from getting too drunk to drive my car? Why do I drink all night on a night when I need to sleep? Why do I have to drink every day? Why do I have all these physical symptoms of alcoholism? Why do I say hurtful things to my wife when I'm in a black-out? etc......

All these questions lead me to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic. After fighting to control my drinking for several years, I decided to give up. As far as I am concerned, it's "game over" for drinking. I came to the point where I realized that I am allergic to alcohol. When I drink, alcohol hijacks my life. I am insane when it is in my system.

When I stopped drinking and joined AA, I feel like I completed part of the first step. I am powerless. I am an alcoholic. I surrender. I can not take that first drink. Alcohol whipped my butt.

Through the course of my time in AA, I completed the entire 1st step. At first, I wasn't sure that my life was unmanageable. I have a nice home in a wealthy neighbourhood. I have a wife and two beautiful children. I have some nice vehicles and a good job.

When I came to AA, I assumed my only problem was my drinking problem. I thought that once I quit drinking, I would be perfect ( wink ).

It took some sober time to realize how unmanageable my life is. Today, I understand that my drinking problem was a symptom of a living problem. I realize some of the causes of my sufferning, and I realize that I cannot manage my life. The bottom line is that my way doesn't work very well. My alcoholism proved this to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It also took some sober time to realize the importance of the wording in the first step. "WE admited that WE WERE powerless over alcohol and our lives HAD BECOME unmanageable". I found hope in the fact that I am no longer alone. I found hope in the fact that I could fix my broken life by giving it over to a HP and following this program.

Today, I feel like I've taken the first step in AA. I know that I need my HP to lead my life. I understand that my way doesn't work. I fully accept the fact that I cannot drink at all. There is no doubt in my mind that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.

What next? I am ready to move on. I've been saved from my slow suicide of drinking. It's time to get busy living. AA helped me realize that sobriety is a wonderful gift. I now have a new life and an new freedom. It is based on the corner stone of step 1. I can never stray too far from step 1, and I must make it a part of my daily focus on recovery.

Thanks for letting me share.
chip

[Sugah]

Fifteen years after my first AA meeting (at 19, when I was involuntarily committed to a dual-diagnosis facility), I was alone, detoxing for the last time. I knew it was the last time. I knew my body couldn't go through it again. I knew I had manipulated my way through the last situation, that I had run out of options to fall back, regroup, and limp my way through a little longer. The comments had taken a turn. No longer was it, "But you have so much potential." It was now, "She had so much potential." My family, what was left of those who still could stand to be around me, were ready to let go in a big way.

Fifteen years and at least three separate experiences with AA later, I didn't know the first step, couldn't recite it or tell you anything about it except that I took it that day. I was powerless over alcohol and anything else I might put into my body to keep from feeling. If there was any inkling in me that I could still manage, still maneuver a little longer, I would still be out there or dead (most likely the latter). My drinking, my drug use, and my life was unmanageable.

I needed complete surrender to the first step in order to get started. God bless anyone who sits around the tables (seen it a lot) trying to figure out if they belong because I really didn't have any time for you people until I was thoroughly and without a doubt whipped. I thank you, every single day, for taking this wretch of a human being and helping her turn it around.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[c'est la vie]

I fear I'm slipping back to step 1. I want to choose to not drink because it's better for my body, and not be told I CAN'T drink because I'm alcoholic. I think that also leads to the fact that I want to choose to have "just 1" now and then like my friend who quit 5 years ago and has a few drinks per year.

I despise my stubbornness. Where's my freakin' psychic change?

[Tazman53]

Hi, my name is Martin and I am an alcoholic.

Well for me step one has come very easily, even though I am going on 3 months sobriety in AA I have not sat down with my sponsor to work on it. I just got a new sponsor last Friday and we have already started on it.... well maybe I should say I have started to do what he has assigned me to do. Actually I have completed my assignments and will be seeing him this evening.

The reason step one came so easily is after 40 years of drinking, sinking deeper and deeper into the disease of alcoholism this past August sitting in my garage drinking by myself it occured to me that alcohol controled my life. I knew I was an alcoholic, I knew that everything I used to do with & without my family I no longer did just to where I could drink. Sadly I was not at my bottom yet, I decided that since I had tried time and time again to quit drinking and I could not stop to simply surrender to alcohol because I could not beat it.

At this point in time I knew I was powerless against alcohol, alcohol had beat me into submission, I had lost all control over my life, the only thing I continued to do was work because I knew it took money to drink!

Alcohol had kicked my butt!!!!

In the beginning of Sept. my bottom jumped up and hit me up side the head! My wife told me that I had a choice to make and very little time to make it. I had to choose between drinking and her and the kids.

The bottom had come, I knew that if I continued to drink I would lose my wife and kids which was the only things left in my life that mattered except drinking. If I lost my wife and kids I was a dead man walking because all I would of had left was alcohol, I knew with out them I would drink myself to death in a rather short amount of time. I knew I had to quit drinking but I knew I could not do it on my own and had no idea who or what could help me.

I called my doctor and set up Sept. the 18th to enter de-tox which was the earliest day I could get in, I had my last drink on the 17th. It was not until about 3 days later that the fog started to clear and I was able to understand that there was a solution in AA, they in addition to teaching me about alcoholism and giving me stuff to take the edge off of withdrawals also had me going to an AA meeting every night I was there and drilling it into my thick skull that the second I left detox I needed to go to 90 meetings in 90 days at a minimum and get a sponsor in AA in order to stay sober.

There is no doubt in my mind I was powerless over alcohol, it had as I said kicked my butt up one side and down the other, I had surrendered to alcohol even before I went into detox or my first AA meeting SOBER!

Unmanageable, you bet my life was unmanageable, the only thing I had managed to do was keep my job to where I could afford to drink, other then that I had quit doing every thing I had managed to do before alcohol owned me!

I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable.

BTW thanks to every one who has shared so far.

[CarolD]

c'est...if you read your earlier post
before your name change
perhaps you will see why you are choosing sobriety.

If your friend quit drinking 5 years ago
why is he/she still drinking?
Quitting is a full time action.

Mega Hugs

[c'est la vie]

Thanks for the suggestion Carol. I did go back and read and I sound very pathetic. My sponsor pointed out that I still suffer from a stubborn self will and I need to work on "thy will be done" but that's another step.

I also think I suffer from such low self esteem that I don't think "my drinking story" is good enough or dramatic enough to compare to "real alcoholics". I don't have any wild tales to share. I just drank too much, got really sad and withdrawn, and decided to quit. How boring. Maybe this waffling is serving as my drama.

"Many less desperate alcoholics tried AA, but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness." (12X12, p 23)

I hope this doesn't describe me. I would rather keep the following passage in my mind. I even made a timeline to help me see the progression. It's amazing how fast I fell in the end and it could be a sign that it could continue to get really bad, really fast. Is that what I want in order to "improve" my drinking story? I think not.

"It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit (those alcoholics who hadn't lost everything). By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years befroe we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression."

"They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through." (12X12, p 23)

[Kellye C]

C'est, my drinking "career" wasn't very long (3.5 years) and I don't have much in the way of dramatic stories either (other than blackouts, alcohol poisoning repeated and failing organ systems) but my bottom was just that. MY bottom. I was killing myself and doing a pretty quick job of it and I decided I wanted to live.

It took me a year from the time I realized that I was an alcoholic before I became willing to admit I was powerless. I kept thinking there was a way I could "cut down", drink normally again and I tried everything I could think of. The results were the same, I was quickly back to where I started and worse. Even in the face of knowing my kidneys were shutting down and my liver hurting constantly i still continued to try to find a way to do the wrong thing right. It was galling to me to have to admit that I was powerless over anything much less poison in a bottle.

When I came into AA in 2004 I was finally beaten into a state of reasonableness. I was powerless dammit whether I wanted to be or not. My life was most definitely unmanageable. I took that first step and take it every day as I cannot afford to forget where I came from and where I could easily go back to if I take even 1 drink. For me there is no such thing as 1. I proved that to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt.

The first person to work with me in AA (and the lady who will become my mother in law next year!!!) had me write out my drinking career start to finish. My God what an eye opening experience! 9 pages of me drinking, harming myself and my family, shunning my responsibilities, killing myself, trying to control my drinking only to end up worse than before. It was invaluable to me. I now had proof in writing of step 1 in my life and when my disease started trying to lie to me I had something concrete, facts, with which to tell it NO!!! This time was NOT going to be different! Even if I had been sober XX amount of days I most definitely WAS an alcoholic. Yes, it truly WAS that bad! I had my story in front of me and my disease could lie all it wanted, all I had to do was refer back to the facts.

I hope this helps in some way. If you haven't done so perhaps you'd consider writing out YOUR story regardless of how boring it may seem to you in the face of others. Doesn't matter, it is YOUR reality.

Big hugs,
Kellye

[Tazman53]

I despise my stubbornness. Where's my freakin' psychic change?

Well I have not had mine yet, I know some folks who were happily sober and working the steps for years before finally they had worked thier steps to a point where they went from recovering to recovered. In some cases they had worked all the steps several times.

I have no idea when I will go from recovering to recovered, but I know that the longer I am sober and working the steps the happier I am, the less the urge to drink is there, and the less my disease tries to convince me it is okay to have a drink. I know that I will never be able to have a drink.

In regards to your story being boring, I have heard some real boring ones, but there is no doubt that they were in thier minds alcholics and if they say they are alcoholic I beleive them.

I have only had one DUI and that was 15+ years ago and did not pay much of a penalty for it. I never killed or maimed anyone, I never lost a job due to drinking and only had one accident due to drinking. It was not until the end of my drinking that I saw the handwriting on the wall that I had to stop before it killed me or I had a path of destroyed and hurt lifes behind me and war stories galore.

I would much rather be a recovering alcoholic with a boring story then one with war stories of destroyed lifes, DUIs, jail, lost jobs, living in a dumpster, etc.

[Tazman53]

BTW Kellye offerd IMO an excellent suggestion, sometimes one can not see the forest for the trees.

[c'est la vie]

I would much rather be a recovering alcoholic with a boring story then one with war stories of destroyed lifes, DUIs, jail, lost jobs, living in a dumpster, etc.

ditto

[collinsmi]

My first task for the first step was to read from the beginning of the big book through page 43 every day. After a few weeks of that, I was asked to find what I had to do for the first step (answer - pg 30, first sentence/second paragraph). Couldn't find it on my own! Next, I highlighted 3 instances of loss of control, then, 3 promises with conditions that had to be met for the promises to come to pass.

Then, on to the writing my sponsor had me do. Page 52, second full paragraph down, contains 8 statements; 1) we were having trouble with personal relationships - 8) we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. Turned each statement into a question about my own life, then wrote a full 8 x 11 notebook page as the answer for each question.

What did I get? From the reading, I started to identify with the information about alcoholism, the people, events and conditions described. I started to get used to performing recovery related tasks on a daily basis (forgot to mention, daily phone calls to the sponsor). Learned to spot promises and conditions. The writing was almost an introduction to myself. It contained details about my drinking but was much more general than that - a brief sketch of a life on the downhill slope for a long time (unmanageability). It was uncomfortable, but I had to acknowledge that if I had unpleasant thoughts about my life I tended to ignore them in order to stay comfortable in my own skin. I certainly didn't want to own up to that stuff (except occasionally when I was trying to con myself into constructive activity) but writing it down was a start. I learned there are 2 parts to step 1. I was taught that I would frequently forget the lesson of the second part, I better NEVER forget the lesson of the first part!

[GlassPrisoner]

I've shared this before, I'll share again.

My sponsor had me write down examples in my life where I was powerless. Using only bullets (no narrative) I had 3-1/2 PAGES !

He said "Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure you're an alcoholic *wink*"

I would much rather be a recovering alcoholic with a boring story then one with war stories of destroyed lifes, DUIs, jail, lost jobs, living in a dumpster, etc.

I would too, Taz. But than again, I don't pass judgement on those that have. (Not saying that you are passing judgement, BTW) We all get here our own way.

That said, I've lost a marriage, a house, a car and a job to alcohol. Let me rephrase that, I gave those things away.....

[sober..finally]

I think for me I got the step backwards. 3 days ago I woke up in jail and KNEW my life was unmanagble, and needed to quit drinking. 2 hours later I admitted to myself I couldn't go it alone.

[jimhere]

The First Step doesn't read "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that's why our lives are unmanageable." The first half of the First Step has nothing to do with drama-ie. war stories. It has to do with a physical allergy to alcohol coupled with a mental obsession driven by a spiritual malady, which is the second half of the First Step.

The second half of the First Step has little to do with the first half, unless you are still drinking, but it will get an alcoholic bacjk to a drink, because it is the problem that must be solved. And it has nothing to do with externals-bank account, job, car, etc.

If the program of recovery is an inside job (the solution), then the First Step (the problem) must be an inside job as well. The problem is within-physically, mentally, and spiritually. And the solution is within as well-"deep within every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God." Run from the problem and you run from the solution. Look for a solution without (which is called managing your life), and you chase your tail-usually back to a drink.
Jim

[northbelle]

Thank you everyone for this thread. I am at one week AGAIN.
Powerlessness to me is doing the same thing again. Drinking when it has caused irreperable harm in mine and other peoples lives. For me this is life or death..it is just where the disease takes me now. There is no slow progression anymore. One drink and I am swandiving right into the gutter in a day...and my liver has already spoken loud and clear on this ..yet AGAIN..I take that drink. I need to internalize this step adn this thread really has some great suggestions. I need to find a sponsor to help me work the steps. I have been to a meeting every day this week . AA is the only thing that has ever given me any relief from MYSELF!!! Thank you and god willing I won't have to ever drink again..
love northbelle

[Wino40]

My name is Ray----I am an Alcoholic.

I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot keep from drinking it, and when I drink it I break out in a case of stupid.

I believe this because I can look at my drinking career and it is a fact.

I was sober for 28 years and decided I could drink again. I was wrong.

I have been sober for 8+ yrs. now and have no illusions about controlling my drinking.

I live the AA program because not to is a future worse than death. It was and would be again hideous.

I have come to this conclusion by drinking. I have drank all I want. The price is too high. I do not think of drinking, but I spend a lot of time thinking about NOT drinking.

My life is a good one. I respect me. I am a good husband. I am a good friend. This is a result of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thanks

Ray

[parentrecovers]

for me, the strength and hope in step 1 is in the "WE". everytime i visit this site, go to alanon, open aa meetings with my recovering daughter, am comforted by others, give comfort to others - i relieze i am not alone.

power in numbers. blessings to all - k

[TimmyO]

...certainly not me!

But I did, and it was the first completely honest act of my life.

Admitting I was powerless over alcohol (when I consumed it) was very easy. It was as plain as day to me and everyone around me that I had a drinking problem.

When I drank, there were no guarantees on when or if I would stop, or at what pace I would drink. There were no guarantees as to what I might do or say as well.

The biggest thing I see in retrospect is that all of those times when I thought I was in control of my consumption, I never once chose, "I've had enough" or "No thank you, I'm driving tonight" or even, "I better not, I have to get up for work in the morning".

That's powerlessness to me. It's that second part that had me over a barrel for quite a while!

I was married, working at a good job, had a house, money in the bank, etc. So how can my life possibly be unmanageable?

I would stop drinking for periods of time and nothing would get better inside of Tim. The outside would get better (no money worries, domestic tranquility for a little while, etc.), but inside I was feeling worse! I was a walking time bomb after a few weeks!

I already knew that I could not successfully drink (powerlessness) but I had never realized that the other part of the problem was that I had a mind that told me I still could. In fact, it would compel me to do so.

"This time it will be different", "You earned it Tim", "What do any of them know anyuways? If they had the stuff going on in their head that I do they'd drink too!" , "Don't they know that I just want a little peace of mind?", "Look at everything else that has gone so well in my life? This drinking thing isn't the problem! It must be my wife, or my job, or my son, or all the pressure I'm under to perform, or, or, or, or"

And I was baffled to say the least. I knew I needed to stop but I saw no way to do it.

I was sober about a month and was crawling out of my skin when an old timer (a cranky one at that!) told me, "Kid, you don't have to lose everything on the outside to be bankrupt on the inside."

It hit me like a ton of bricks!

That was it! That one phrase made me realize that all of my carefully crafted justifications and well thought out rationalizations were a bunch of B.S.

The simple fact was that I could not manage the decision to "not drink" and as a result of that everything went out of control.

I have a body that doesn't process alcohol in the same manner as those "normies" (whatever they are!) and I have a mind that won't keep me away from it.

Thanks for looking at my two cents on the subject. This is a great thread as are all of the rest of the steps!

IN fellowship and service,

TimmyO (formerly known as TimOFromChicago - Good to be back on the boards!)

[CarolD]

Good to see you again Tim!