Discussion and Sharing Welcomed!

[kpnewlife]

Still working on step one here, it's getting close to the 100% goal though.

One thing that helped me recently is something someone said to me in a meeting. He asked me if I was afraid to surrender and why. Then he said,

"To surrender means to join the winning side."

It was very powerful to me, hopefully it will help someone else, too.

hangin in there,
kp

[TimmyO]

Wow!! That's the best way I have heard it put yet. Tell that guy that I say thanks too!

Tim

[wildhorse]

Thanks all for the reading,
Nothing to share at this time, just learning what you all have writen.

Joel

[Emimily]

Since I've been sober, I've written three 1st steps. Wait, maybe four. No, three. Okay, so, I've written three 1st steps. Two were short, my last one was pretty long. The reason it was pretty long was because my sponsor had me write out how my life was unmanageable in every area, mental/physical/emotional/spiritual, as well as writing out examples of powerlessness. I had a bunch, "war stories" like Jim said. The best thing I got out of that last 1st step was really seeing how every arena of my life was affected by my drinking. I had only been drinking for about four years when I decided I needed to get sober, and I still have moments where I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, but now I have a list of four shining, specific examples of sheer unmanageability. You're not an alcoholic, but you fall down a mountain? Yeah, right. I have almost nine months sober, I have bled/sweated/teared AA lit, I have worked, WORKED a program, and it has saved my life. I'm on my ninth step, making living amends daily, I'm going to Colorado to make amends with people who I never thought I'd be able to face sober, and guess what? I'm ready. All because I have a ridiculous long 1st step to check out any time I might be ready to get cocky. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life will bottom out faster than I could ever imagine if I start drinking again. And, I'd lose all my AA buddies, which would be basset death.

1st step, man.

[scootinbabe]

last week, my sponsor put me back on step 1 again too. so here i am.

it's helpful to have a dedicated step thread, i knew right where to go and got some good sharing here.

thank you!

[best]

Remembering step one keeps my feet out of the fire.

[GlassPrisoner]

Looking back on my first step (December-06), and continuing to study, I've learned something. *gasp*

I was powerless over alcohol- I could not drink, because if I did, I continued to drink. If I could manage to stop, I had no effective mental defense against the first drink and the cycle would repeat. That's powerless.

-dash-

My life had become unmanageable. To me, this now means that I cannot exert my will power on everyone and everything around me, expecting things to turn out exactly how I want them. (My expectations are pretty high, BTW.) I cannot manage my own life.

[lanie67]

Hi everyone,

I am meditating on this step right now. I am convinced of my powerlessness over alcohol. I am, I feel, lucky in the sense that I am one of the people that drank to excess from the very first drink I ever picked up, so there was no time where I drank normally that I could look back on and try to return to. l have had to admit powerlessness over a lot of things since then, which might put me in so much pain I think a drink would be attractive.

[lanie67]

Originally Posted by dgillz

It took an old timer at my first voluntary AA meeting to make me realize I was powerless. (I had gone to 6 court ordered AA meeting a few years before but couldn't tell you a thing about AA even afterwards).

I went to the meeting, which was very tough, and when it came time to ask about newcomers, I introduced myself saying "I am here to beat my problem".

Afterwards the oldtimer said "Man, you aren't gonna beat anything in there, your ass has already been whipped", and then walked away abruptly.

This had the effect of pissing me off, but after I calmed down and thought about it, he was right. I had already tried to beat alcohol numerous times and failed miserably. I read some more AA literature and tied in the concepts of "powerless" and "surrender". I thanked God in my prayers that night that this man had the courage and insight to respond to me in this manner, and I knew that I had finally understood step one.

Dgillz

Thanks for sharing that, that quote brought tears to my eyes. Our asses did get whipped, and we were oblivious to it. I think I am at that stage in other ways right now as well, my ass is whipped by certain behaviors and it's obvious to everyone but me. I like elsewhere it said " a good look in the mirror out to be enough for any alcoholic". That is so true.

[c'est la vie]

update on the stubborn one (oddly, I assume you care): not drunk, but have had some drinks since January. Quit AA and cut off all contact but finally called one aa friend today. Planned to stop posting at SR so as to rid my head of all thoughts of alcohol but here I am posting this. I'm so frustrated and confused because I CAN have one drink and stop, but I think about alcohol a lot.

I'm afraid my sponsor won't want to talk to me since I don't seem to want abstinence. I feel that way here too so I don't know why I'm still here. I guess there must be some tiny piece of me that knows better.

[lanie67]

Originally Posted by c'est la vie

update on the stubborn one (oddly, I assume you care): not drunk, but have had some drinks since January. Quit AA and cut off all contact but finally called one aa friend today. Planned to stop posting at SR so as to rid my head of all thoughts of alcohol but here I am posting this. I'm so frustrated and confused because I CAN have one drink and stop, but I think about alcohol a lot.

I'm afraid my sponsor won't want to talk to me since I don't seem to want abstinence. I feel that way here too so I don't know why I'm still here. I guess there must be some tiny piece of me that knows better.

Thanks for sharing about that, c'est la vie. It brought to mind what it is like to fight the mental obsession and that is not fun. Sometimes I forget what mental freedom I have now by being able to not even think about drinking, even at the grocery store or gas station I just look past the beer and wine without thinking much about it. It's the mental obsession that leads to the picking up of the drink, and the combination of those two, the obsession and the compulvise act of picking up the drink when you don't want to, that makes up the disease of alcoholism. Glad you are here.

[dolly pop]

I have the sympton -

I can not start drinking alcohol without developing the phenonomen of drinking.

The only relief that i will have from this, is complete abstinence from drinking alcohol.

The solution !

I ADMIT that:

Once i have taken 1 drink of alcohol i become powerless and have to have more.

I ADMIT that:

Due to my alcohol use my life has become unmanageable.

the only relief i will have from this is complete abstinence from drining alcohol.

MY STEP 1

dolly pop

[noprob]

very nice read Thank You! (posters)
for me the 1st. step is the only step I can do 100% (depends on how willing I am today to do so) no one else can do this vital step for me.
I once thought that I would be done with the steps,but now realize for me it is a daily way/design of life much more fulfilling then my previous way of life.
step one is used in my daily life,I just have to remember to use it,one day at a time.

KOKO

[Grizzled]

I've been studying/thinking about Step 1 for about 7 months now. My sponser says we'll get around to doing it eventually. I don't mind.

The reason being I am still remembering things from my past 37-some-odd years on this planet that culminated in my alcoholism AND my life's unmanageability.

Alcohol is not the only factor that contributed to my stinking thinking. I believe that there are a number of factors, character defects, habits, etc. that helped me to achieve my alcoholic state. I'm not placing blame, that is just what happened.

Being a drunk enabled me to work on my issues until they bacame part of my personality. I have for years cultivated self indulgance, egotism, denial, shame, and neglect among other anti-social behaviors.

Powerless over alcohol? Yep, it darned near killed me on a number of occasions. To be fair, I almost killed myself on a number of occasions due to drinking. I can't stop drinking until I pass out.

My life was unmanageable until I began to tear myself and my habits down in sobriety and have the rooms of AA begin to build me back up as a responsible, productive member of society.

I think this is the essence of step 1. The willingness to begin the process of rebuilding.

These are my thoughts on the subject. Thanks for letting me share.

[Grateful Heart]

If admitting I am powerless over alcohol is the first sep to recovery, then I admit today that I am powerless. I want to get back to the old me.

[Peter]

Man. did I have issues with this Step when I first saw it.

"Powerless ?"
"Unmanagable ?"

The nerve of these guys to even dare imply that the great I was "powerless" and could not "manage" my own life.I scoffed at this Step.

It was only later, after my relapse had humbled me a little bit , that I was ready to look at what the Step really means.

Powerless does not mean that I lacked the POWER to refuse a drink (heck I had done that many times in my drinking careeer where refusing one may have suited a particular cause) What I did lack was any control over what happened to me once the alcohol was ingested.I could not stop the "rush" from that first drink and I could not stop the "craving" that the first drink triggered. I could not stop the thoughts inside my head that kept insisting "have another one for the road".

Worse of all I was powerless over getting drunk. As hard as I tried I could never stop the alcohol from rushing into my blood stream and making me intoxicated.

So while I could begin to accept my Powerlessness over what alcohol does to me "biologically" I now had to embark on a quest( more Step work) to understand what was causing me to make the wrong choices when it came to drinking.

And what about unmanagable? What exactly does this Step MEAN when it talks about unmanagable?

"Unmanagabilty" manifested itself in my life in two ways:

"Physical unmanagability" and "Emotional unmanagability '

"Physical unmanagability" meant things like problems at work, trouble in relationships and run ins with the law. Frequent illness from consuming too much alcohol. Gastrintestinal problems and constant headaches. Loss of appetite and sex drive.The list is much longer but in the interest of brevity I will keep it simple .

"Emotional Unmanagabilty" Meant the inabilty to cope normally with ordinary emotions like sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, resentments, lonliness and boredom. For years I regarded sadness(not depression) as some kind of sickness that must be avoided at all costs and that if I felt sad it meant something was wrong with me. I could not accept sadness as part of the emotional spectrum to be recognized and dealt with without the influence of alcohol.

I did the same with every other basic human emotion and used alcohol as a coping mechanism for all my feelings.

Emotions are a necessary part of survival for the human species and if we constantly interrupt the normal process of emotions , experiencing the whole process of that emotion and subsequently finding understanding and resolutions to the cause of those feelings then our relationships with others(god and ourselves) will inevitably break down .

So. While I still had a bank account and a roof over my head. I could not escape the fact that my life was Emotionally unmanagable.

It is not hard for me to see the wisdom in Step 1 today. In fact I have broadened my understanding of powerlessnes to include other area and things in life over which I am truly powerless. Like the weather and rush hour traffic and of course the most classic one of all....other people. I am truly powerless over what people want to think or choose to do with their life.

Step one opened up the door to a world of new understanding about myself and my relationship with others and it kindled an eagerness in me to move on to Step 2.

[sonas]

Peter, that has to be one of the best pieces of writing about alcoholism that I have come across. Some great insight there.
And of course I can identify with so much of it.
Thanks a million for sharing.

[Peter]

Gee thanks . My sponsor really helped me a lot to understand Step 1.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by c'est la vie

update on the stubborn one (oddly, I assume you care): not drunk, but have had some drinks since January. Quit AA and cut off all contact but finally called one aa friend today. Planned to stop posting at SR so as to rid my head of all thoughts of alcohol but here I am posting this. I'm so frustrated and confused because I CAN have one drink and stop, but I think about alcohol a lot.

I'm afraid my sponsor won't want to talk to me since I don't seem to want abstinence. I feel that way here too so I don't know why I'm still here. I guess there must be some tiny piece of me that knows better.

Alcoholism is distiguished by what Doctor Silkworth called a phemonenon of craving which is the manifestation of an allergy. It is not really a true allergy, but it is definitely an abnormal reaction characterized by the inability to control one's intake of alcohol.

Couple that with a strange mental twist, an obsession, a blank spot that prevents normal functioning of the will when it comes to taking a drink. The alcoholic drinks for a lot of reasons, but the best reason is no reason at all and he/she drinks no matter what.

In order to be alcoholic (to be truly powerless) a persons got to have both components. You seem obseesed with the idea that you might be an alcoholic. Have you considered the idea that you may not be an alcoholic? Based on what you've told us, you may not be. If drinking too much causes you problems, then a have a drinking problem and in that case all you need to do is stop or moderate.
Jim

[Serenity76]

Hi all. My name is Erin. I have been around the tables of AA since birth(literally), but well I guess I needed to find out for myself. I could not possibly be like them(my parents). Hmm, was I wrong. I started drinking at 15 and headed head first into this very powerful disease. I count my blessings everyday, cuz I did start trying to get sober very young, 19. Through many attempts of doing it "myway", I finally got over myself and listened and got sober at age 22. A few years later after a nasty breakup I smoked pot a few times and have again given myself another sobriety date. I have now been sober since Oct 2001. I am so very greatful to the fellowship of AA cuz I really do not know how I would have done it any other way.

[CarolD]

Bump for newcomer

[Justme57]

Hi I'm leigh , Alcoholic

I so remember my first meeting, and the first thing I saw was the 1st step up there on the wall.

I was overcome with relief !!!!!!!! There, written in black and white , was exactly how I had been feeling for at least the last 5 years.

Like c'est, I do not have many war stories either, I drank for 37 years , the last 10 of which were utter misery ! Drinking for me was never a "party " thing, it was something I did to relieve my emotional pain. I drank alone at home , mostly to blackout. I never drank if I went out to a work do, or such, but would leave early to get home so that I could get plastered , and drink the way I wanted .

I never lost my job, had never had a DUI, ( til the night of my last drink, never been to jail) BUT I had "come to" in my own house with bruises from knocking into walls ect , my memory was shot , and I was scared rigid !

I had, in the last 10 years tried to dtop, but could not, and that terrified me . I was full of shame and guilt, and my paranoia was parylising

I read that first step, and was so relieved to actually "see" what I had been feeling for so long , written right there on the wall! Amazing ! I had never been able to articulate what I felt about my drinking, I will never forget the impact it had on me

HUGX
Leigh

[On~Fire]

There were alot of things i needed to hear in this thread today. Different outlooks and suggestions were nice. I am only on my second day of sobriety. I swear 10 mins before i read this post i was headed back out to drink on the last of the money i have to get an apartment without any income at the time. Tonight would of been the night for something very bad to happen i can almost promise that. But i read these post and got something to eat and i feel a little more normal again.

[Justme57]

Goodonya On Fire !

Thats how it works .

Sharing with each other

Congratulations on your sober days, it only gets better

Just dont pick up 1 drink for 1 day !

HUGX
Leigh

[arian]

It took me a long time to admit powerlessness over alcohol and recognize that my life had become unmanageable.
I started drinking when I was 15 & things probably became "unmanageable" for me when I was in my 20's.
Black-outs were common, self injury, sickness, remorse [the absolute worst], anger/rage, depressed, isolated, denial, inflamed liver, loss of time from work, my best friend starting to remove herself, stuffing feelings, loss of planned structure, loneliness, suicidal [esp. "the day after"], loss of self, loss of a HP.
I didn't drink every day but when I did drink...I drank as much as I could...as fast as I could...it was never enough.
Falling, falling into deep, dark rabbit holes...
Going out with friends to a pub...not wanting to leave...being left behind with people I didn't even know...who wanted to stop the party?
I would drink because I was happy, I would drink because I was sad, I would drink because I was angry, I would drink because I was depressed...I would drink.
And in moments of sobriety...I would say to myself...this feels good, I don't have to do this [drink]...and the next thing I knew...my shoes were on and my feet on the path to the liquor store...frenetic with anticipation of the drink, a pang of guilt & +++ desperation to drown it all.
Thankfully ~ my best friend and another friend took me for coffee & did an "intervention" on me. My best friend cried...said she didn't know me anymore...was afraid for me and didn't know how to help me anymore. That did it. I saw her face, heard her voice...saw what it really took for her to say/do that...for me and it made me sick. It gave me the strength ~ through the love of that friendship/reality check...to move forward & get help.
Yes...I am powerless over alcohol and yes...it made my life unmanageable. And thankfully, like others have said...I don't have to do it alone.
Thank you to all who have shared & allow me to share.
You keep it real.
You keep me strong.
Wishing* you a great 24.