The Controlling Parent

[historyteach]

The Controlling Parent, Part I
By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski
Gratefully taken from http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |

As noted, it is not easy for parents who were under the impression that they had control of their child, to adjust to the reality that this is not true. They may wish to exert the control at twenty that they felt they had in infancy.

I have often quipped that if I were to see any of my children going to a support group for "Children of Dysfunctional Parents," my reaction would be, "Thank G-d! They've found a place to get help."

Was I a dysfunctional parent? Look at it this way. At the age of seventy-plus, having learned much from life's experiences and educational sources, my wisdom is at its highest point. But I did not have my children when I had the wisdom of a septuagenarian. Rather, I had them when I was in my twenties, when I did not have this mature wisdom. Of course I must have been dysfunctional. Given the relative paucity of wisdom we have when we raise our children, we are all, to some degree, dysfunctional.

Our children begin life totally helpless. They could not survive without our care. The realization that they are growing and maturing has to make inroads on our perception of their helplessness and dependence on us.

Consciously, we wish our children to become independent. We educate them and train them with the goal that they should become self-sufficient and not be forever dependent on us. We may even resent prolonged dependence. We hope and pray that our children will survive us, and failure to achieve independence from us would leave them helplessly stranded.

That is logic. Logic operates in the conscious mind. The subconscious does not operate on logical principles, and the feelings that reside in the subconscious can be totally illogical. Yet, they are very real and may exert a powerful influence on our thoughts and behavior.

When our children are young and are dependent on us, we feel useful. When they eventually achieve total self-sufficiency and can detach from us, we may be happy for them and proud that we have accomplished our task as parents. Yes, we may be happy consciously, but the subconscious that equated their dependence on us with a feeling of usefulness may not share in that happiness. Bernice was a widow whose divorced daughter, Sandra, and her eight-year-old son lived with her. She prepared meals for them, did their laundry and made her grandson's lunch every school day.

One day Sandra returned home with good news. Her fiancé had been given a significant promotion at work with an increase in salary that would enable them to get married. He had been appointed division head of the company's branch in another city.

Bernice congratulated her daughter and was happy for her, but she felt a pang of sadness. If Sandra and her son moved away, what function would she have? What would there be to look for ward to upon awakening in the morning? But how dare she feel sad? This was a wonderful opportunity for her daughter, and Harold was indeed a wonderful man. Bernice struggled to free herself of the feeling of sadness. She felt guilty being sad when she should be happy for Sandra. She felt terrible that her selfish feelings and her possessiveness of Sandra and her grandson stood in the way of sharing her daughter's joy.

Bernice had difficulty falling asleep that night. She awoke at 3 a.m. with shortness of breath and chest pain. She woke Sandra, who immediately called 911. Bernice was hospitalized in the intensive care unit. For the next two days she was hooked up to a monitor and underwent a battery of blood tests. On the third day, while Sandra was visiting, the doctor said to Bernice, "I have good news for you. Your heart is healthy and all your blood tests are normal. There is nothing wrong with you, and you may go home."

Bernice began crying. Sandra said, "Why are you crying, Mom? Everything is O.K. The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with you."

All that the doctor could know was that Bernice's tests were normal. What he did not know was that there was something very much wrong with her. She had lost her reason for living.

Parents need to be needed. They may not be able to feel that they are needed when their children detach from them.

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Parents need to be needed. They may not be able to feel that they are needed when their children detach from them.

hmmm...

kind of a funny way to end that...

it sounds like... once I become a parent... I become somehow handicapped to live my life without the constant love and affection and attention and need to care for my daughter.


thing is though... I wasn't always a parent..
I had a life just for me..

and once my girl is off developing her own life and her own autonomy... then it's a change to pick up mine again...

where before... she needed me 90% of the time... she only needs me the other 10 now..

but.. I know she still loves me 100%.. she just feels it when she's not with me..
while she's building her own persona... and making her own way through life... like I'm supposed to be doing...

I think that too many times... we use our children...
focus on them so that I don't have to focus on me ...


yes...
I'm very aware of what the article purports...
and I'm trying really hard to not have my sentence end like the articles...

[Jackson]

Well, that article hit me right between the eyes! Thanks for the post historyteach.