Coping with Controlling People

[historyteach]

Parents meddling: Unlike Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, Part III
By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski
Gratefully taken from http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |

Parents may meddle because they care.

As I mentioned earlier, an unwise statement by a doctor when I was ten caused my father to believe that I had heart disease, and he was very overprotective of me. After I was married and my father found out that I had a fever, he repeatedly checked whether my wife had called the doctor, whether I was taking my medicine regularly, whether the house was warm enough, whether I was drinking adequate hot tea, etc.

My wife was a bit offended that he would think of her as being so incompetent, but to my father, his darling child was dangerously ill, and he was worried whether this young woman was capable enough of giving his child the care that he had given him all those years. The reaction could be either a gentle reassurance or a hostile response to being accused of being inept. An understanding of where he was coming from made the difference.

On the first Friday that we were alone, after my wife had prepared for Shabbes (Sabbath) a box was delivered containing challah, gefilte fish, chicken soup, roast chicken, kugel and cake. We had a good laugh over it. My wife called my mother to thank her, and we put the food in the freezer. How was my mother to know that this young woman knew anything about cooking? And if she was able to cook, how would she know what foods her little boy likes?

Without empathy, this kind gesture could have been interpreted as an insult.

As a young couple, you might wish to spend a quiet Sabbath alone, but your parents insist that you must be with them. Would you rather that they didn't want you? Most parents love to have their children with them for Sabbath. Just wait. When your children get married you will feel the same way. A good response is, "We love to be with you for Shabbos, but next Shabbos we'll be at our home. We need some alone time." If it is technically feasible, occasionally (but very occasionally) you might say, "How about your coming to us for Shabbos?" That would also give you a chance to prove that you know how to make chicken soup.

You want to buy furniture for your apartment. Mother-in-law comes along to make sure you buy the right furniture. "I have to help the kids choose furniture. They don't know quality or prices."

She's probably right. If they are paying for the furniture, they may feel that this gives them the right to choose it. You may be tempted to say, "Look, who's going to be living with this furniture, you or me?" You'd be better off saying, "Mom, I'm so glad you're going to guide me on quality and prices, but our tastes may differ.

You might like traditional, but I like more contemporary. But I do want your help on quality and prices." If you reject their help outright and buy what you like, do not be surprised if, disapproving of the drapes you bought, they say, "Look at the shmattes, (rags) they have hanging on the windows!" Of course, this is petty and it is much preferred that they respect your choice for your own home.

However, even if they respond negatively try to understand where they are coming from.

Then a baby comes along. "Good heavens! What does this 19 year-old girl know about taking care of a baby? Why, she's just a baby herself! My precious grandchild! I've raised six children. I have to help her with her first child." Don't take offense. Furthermore, she may have a point. You might say, "Mom, I appreciate all your help, but I have to follow the pediatrician's instructions."

Your mother-in-law might want to show you how to bathe the baby. Let her do it the first time, then say, "Mom, I want you to watch me and see if I'm doing it right."

The arrival of a child can do much for cementing relationships with in-laws. Until now they were only your husband's/wife's parents. In the grandchild, both sets of grandparents participate in the one person. This can be unifying.

If you've married the oldest child in the family, there is yet another consideration. This is the first time they are parents-inlaw. They were probably no more prepared to become parents-inlaw than you were to become a husband, wife or parent. Give them a break. They've got to learn.

If you've married the youngest child in the family, there may be yet another problem. Your in-laws now have to deal with the "empty nest syndrome." That can be quite traumatic. Parents who have spent most of their adult life caring for their children suddenly find themselves with no one to take care of. If they are not both occupied with work, this may hit hard. They may be unable to let go. Give them this consideration. It will take some time for them to adjust. What you see as meddling is just their way of trying to be useful. It can be very depressing to feel useless.

You may have to wean them gradually from their emotional dependence on you.

Shalom!