Have I sold out?

[eddie z.]

Hey, folks!
I'm afraid my "old friends" wouldn't know me today! I don't know if I can explain this very well. Don't get me wrong, recovery is great, but sometimes I wonder if I haven't given up on some things that were once very important to me. Sometimes I miss the old Eddie. Rebellious, independent-minded, angry. But also depressed and a slave to addiction.

I am much happier today, but I think about my former aspirations and I want to crawl under a rock. I feel I've strayed from my path in a way. And the drugs were part of my values, personal freedom and all that. But I was NOT free in the end. I had to change to save my life. But my heart and soul, my spirit is...well, confused, for one thing. LOL. I hope this makes some kind of sense to someone!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Time2Surrender]

It makes perfect sense.However,I would stick to the narrow path that your on now.

[eddie z.]

Oh, I'm planning on it! Thanks, T2S! I just wish I could incorporate some of my former spunk into my spirit again without jeopardizing my recovery, you know?
-ez

[best]

It is there waiting.

When you find the focus of purpose, your spunk will return.
We are all on a new journey. Once we are able to see just how we can travel this new road with our eyes closed... we can start to run as before.
Our target has changed but our spunk does return.

[eddie z.]

Thank you, (((best)))!
-ez

[Ann]

Once we are able to see just how we can travel this new road with our eyes closed... we can start to run as before.

Well said, Best. Thank you.

Hugs
Ann

[Gooch]

You'll find it Eddie..

I have a sticker on my helmet that says "It's all fun and games til someone loses an eye"

It reminds me to have a blast just watch where I'm swinging the scizzors.

We may not be the anarchists we once aspired to be, but we are instruments that bring about change.

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by Gooch

We may not be the anarchists we once aspired to be, but we are instruments that bring about change.

Thanks, Gooch! I hope so.

Hey, Ann!
Like my avatar?

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[namommy]

I've learned to channel that energy into my recovery and in service. Someone once called me the 'poster child for ritalin' I put alot of 'spunk' into just about everything I do.

It will come back to you as well eddie.

[eddie z.]

Thanks to you, too, Laurie!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Eddie, The Insanity Went On In My Life 4 Over 30 Years. God Must Have Had A Angel Watching Out For Me. Wrecked Cars Enough Powder Up My Nose To Kill A Horse. I'm Still Standing.

We Are Creatures Of Habit. AA Is The Only Thing I Do To Day. My World Revolves Around This. We Ask Ourselves When, We Get Up, Do I Want A Good Day?? Being Like This Clean And Sober We Have Control. All Bets Were Off The Way We Used To Live. No More Chains. Keep The Spiritual Growth Happening. That's The Key To Keeping Our Disease Locked Up

U Bring So Much To This Site, glad you're here



Chris

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

No More Chains.

Thanks for reminding me, Chris! And thanks for the compliment, too!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

Eddiez, my first thought is that this may well be related to the dulled feelings you talked about in other posts.
It has taken awhile, but I have more spunk than ever!
I got a big dose of it tonight reading a story of the most determined kid! He decided when he was 13 to climb Mt Everest. His determination, and following adventure is awesomely inspiring. Got me back to my spanish lessons again.
jumst my 2 centavos

[Magichappens]

Eddie,
You are on an exciting and courageous journey. The journey inward is much more freeing and rewarding than any outside stimuli. Hugs, Magic

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Eddiez, my first thought is that this may well be related to the dulled feelings you talked about in other posts.

Wow! I hadn't thought of that, but you may very well be right. That may explain part of it at least. Thank you, live!

And thank you, too, Magic!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[CAPTAINZING2000]

EDDIE,

Y DID U BRING THIS UP? WHAT R U DOUBTING BOUT YOUR SELF. AS I SAID B 4 U BRING LIGHT INTO THE ROOM. YOU'RE RIGHT ON TRACK. U'RE ALWAYS IN THE SOLUTION FROM WHAT I READ.


CHRIS

[eddie z.]

I sometimes feel I've become TOO tolerant, accepting, and forgiving. That I put up with things in the world that used to really pi** me off. My motto used to be "Fun in Anger!" Seriously. Now when my mom wants to talk politics, I ask her to change the subject. That's not me! I used to be all about righteous indignation. I feel like a real wuss, a sell-out. Is that explanation any better? Thanks again for the compliments, Chris, and your concern!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I don't recall where i read about us being door mats, but you don't have to be. I have a hard time saying no to. I don't wan't anyone to not like me. Don't you think, if it makes us mad we need to figure out if it's us or the thing that has us angry? people places and things arghhhhhhhhhh.

LOl When, I read your posts, you brighten up everyone's day please don't stop

chris

[spirit]

hey eddie, i think it takes a lot of spunk to go through recovery. i think you still have your spunk, just using it in a different, maybe more productive way mate.

see it isnt lost at all, just being used wisely

cheers
kath

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

I don't wan't anyone to not like me.

I used to not be afraid to speak my mind or offend anyone. Now I feel like I'm allergic to conflict and disapproval. Just ask Dan! teehee. I feel very strongly about certain social and political issues and I used to express my opinions often. Now I just "accept" and keep my mouth shut and I'm not sure I like that.
But don't worry! I ain't going to stop posting. Not as long as you keep flattering me that way. LOL.

Thank you, kath!!!

-ez

[Live]

ummm, maybe you are in that place they call in-between. In between old excitements and new ones. You sound so very much like my daughter, she just loves those kinds of debates.
I have been wondering, y'know, now that I have done quite a lot of adventures in the last year capped off by this big grand one...well, what next?
I believe life is boring without personal challenges, and to be holistic, I need adventures beyond recovery.
Finding that thing that captures our interest, imagination and determination can be difficult and then sometimes it just knocks on your door.
But it does only make sense that if one sense is dulled, it would be across the board. And that was the experience of my friend, it would not target just one aspect of emotion. Physiologically, it is the whole thing, isn't it?
I usually believe everything is over-determined, meaning that there is never ONE reason for anything, that things are multiply determined, and mostly over-determined.
So I am suggesting look at two things, the meds and the finding of the new dreams. That twinkle in the eye that says, I could do that.

[eddie z.]

live,
I think the meds are just part of it. I'm still working on the rest...obviously. LOL.
Again I extend my thanks to you!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

I am easy. I am plain and simple a voyeur. So, just let me take off to where I can watch a different people or different culture. But I am not up another language.! No, thanks. I don't know how people do it!

[eddie z.]

Aww, come on! Espanol es muy facil! You can do it!
-ez

[Dan]

We are instruments that bring about change.
I like the way Gooch puts it eddie. We each find the avenue best suited to our particular way of antagonizing what needs to be!
Billy and Phil will gladly count you among their numbers.
Peace eh!