Former Atheist Discovers God

[Outvoid]

That' s me in the title. I was an strong atheist (and a nihilist) for 10 years but today I have a relationship with a Higher Power that I call God.

I'm a alcoholic and recovering sex addict. Sex addiction is my primary addiction, but alcohol and pot are close seconds.

When I first had my Moment of Clarity, I was sitting on my back porch when I realized that my life have become completely unmanageable and that I couldn't fix my addiction by myself. That was the beginning of my recovery, but my spiritual recovery was not to begin for two years.

Just as there are many kinds of theists (believers in a god), there are also many kinds of atheists (disbelievers in a god). In my experience, there are actually not that many true atheists. Most people who claim to be atheist are merely anti-religious (due to their personal history), or anti-Christian.

However, I spent a good 5 years doing philosophical and theological research, having discussions with believers, and really trying to understand faith. In the end, I found it lacking.

So when I came into recovery, I had a strong aversion to the word "God" and the concept of a Higher Power as a supernatural being. My first higher power was simply those who were in recovery. That was an HP that I could see and believe in.

I struggled with my recovery for the first two years because I simply would not accept the idea of a God nor listen to those who spoke of spirituality.

After leaving the International SAA convention of 2008, I was back at home, sitting in the bathtub, reading the Big Book.

One paragraph in particular struck me from Bill's Story, page 11:

"Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not; there had been no more power in him than there was at me at this moment, and this was none at all."

Thinking back to the convention, I remember many conversations I had with my fellow addicts. I knew damn well that they had no more power than me. Yet, they had something I did not: a inner strength that came from a power greater than themselves.

Suddenly, it came to me that this power had to come from somewhere else. All my years of philosophical pondering, introspection, and debate went right out the window as I was able to see this simple truth for the first time.

Right there, still dripping wet, I climbed out of the tub and got down on my knees and prayed. I still remember what I prayed to this day:

"God, if there is a god, please let me do your will. I can't do this by myself. I need your help if you're out there. Please make me your servant; I leave nothing for myself. Help me to do your will."

And then..... WHOOSH.

Suddenly, I felt a love and a presence come over me and into me on a completely and previously unknown level. I felt it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I felt a growing warmth and wholeness that words cannot adequately express.

I felt God's presence for the first time in my life.

More than that, I knew that God had always been with me and was just waiting for me to give myself completely with an honest, sincere heart. It was the most amazing and wonderful experience I have ever had in my life.

I finally understood faith and spiritual connectedness.

It's been two years since the presence of God made itself known to me. Since I am relatively new to having God in my life, I still struggle with maintaining my faith and my spiritual practice from time to time.

But what I am learning is that my spiritual health is just as important (if not more so) as my physical and emotional health.

My conception of God is not the god of the Christians, Muslims, Jews, or any other religion, nor am I a member of any. I find that all religions have value and wisdom and truths, but they are not for me by choice. I don't see God as either male nor female nor humanlike in any conception of the term. However, I believe that God loves all of us and is willing to help us if we ask for that help and are willing to do the work.

I believe that everyone can have a relationship with God, whatever the manifestation or interpretation one might have. It's different for everyone and faith and the process of spirituality is also different for everyone.

But if God that teach faith to a card-carrying athiest / nihilist like me, then *anything* is possible. =)

[Charmie]

thank you so much for your post,i have a wee tear in my eye,,lovely.i didnt know what i believed in,but i was willing to believe in little green men from mars if it got me sober.i chose to go to AA and do the 12 steps and as a result of this i had a spiritual awakening.i have and understanding now and love in my heart.i am reading a book called the sermon on the mount by emmet fox,i had heard alot of folk on here talking about it and a very good friend of mine who is a very spiritual man recommended it,,here is a little exerpt,,its a part from an explanation of the lords prayer(our father),but i thought it was fitting for your post,,,,Jesus teaches that that the thing that places a man in a spritual condition of his own individual soul,and that as long as he is upon a spiritual path it makes no difference whatever to what group he belongs or does not belong.i thank you again for your post.

[Outvoid]

Charmie,

Thanks for your reply and thank you for the opportunity to be of service.

In the movie 'Ben Hur', there is a great line:

"There are many paths to God... I hope yours will not be too difficult."

Each of us comes to a relationship with our Higher Power in our own way. For some (like me), it happened all at once. But I know many others who have come to believe gradually.

However it happens, I knew that spirituality is a journey; not a destination. I'm glad that you're on it with me and all the rest of us. =)

One final quote comes to mind:

"Our real journey in life is interior; it is a matter of growth, deepening, and of an ever greater surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts." -- Thomas Merton

[Charmie]

fabulous start to my saturday morning,thank you.im only a beginer on this journey,but so far,it has been amazing.i look forward to each to day see what God will reveal next.

[Rusty Zipper]

ov,

good for you, finding a Power That Be...

ov

I still struggle with maintaining my faith and my spiritual practice from time to time.

ov, what worked for me when i struggle,

i go back to the PTB pecking order...

first comes the belief, second comes the faith, and the real hard one,

the "Trust"

when i have the trust, i dont have struggles with the faith,

simple, eh!

good wishes on your continued Spiritual Journey...

blessings

rz

[Outvoid]

RZ, thanks for your response. =)

Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper

ov,
what worked for me when i struggle,
i go back to the PTB pecking order...
first comes the belief, second comes the faith, and the real hard one,
the "Trust"
when i have the trust, i dont have struggles with the faith,

That's interesting. To me, trust and faith are essentially the same thing.

I certainly have the belief and what I find it's a matter of having faith to let God work / to trust God's plan.

I appreciate your interpretation, however, and I'm glad that I'm not alone in this struggle. =)

--Outvoid--

[indigo]

You are welcome here I look forward to your posts.

[Overman]

Outvoid, very interesting to hear about your spiritual experience. It was obviously very powerful for you.

Personally, I've never had that kind of profound moment. For me, it keeps happening in baby steps. Little by little, every day.

[Outvoid]

Overman,

Faith comes differently to us all.

As an atheist, I was constantly surrounding myself with people who had faith albeit to debate with them.

There was one Christian forum I was on for 5 years. I originally went in as a troll to slam them and debate with them. Little by little, I saw that I had been making a generalization about Christians and found that not all of them were the ignorant fundamentalist nazis that I percieved them to be.

Gradually, I came to value and even identify with the spirituality that some of them possessed.

I am certainly no Christian (and would not be one for a variety of philosophical reasons), I came to see that theism itself was not neccessarily a bad thing.

While the moment of God making its presence known was abrupt, I can honestly say that I came to spirituality gradually and that process was over 7 years in the making. =)

--Outvoid--

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Outvoid

Right there, still dripping wet, I climbed out of the tub and got down on my knees and prayed. I still remember what I prayed to this day:

"God, if there is a god, please let me do your will. I can't do this by myself. I need your help if you're out there. Please make me your servant; I leave nothing for myself. Help me to do your will."

And then..... WHOOSH.

Suddenly, I felt a love and a presence come over me and into me on a completely and previously unknown level. I felt it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I felt a growing warmth and wholeness that words cannot adequately express.

I have heard stories like this dozens of times. For some reason atheists get spectacular results the first time they say a prayer. It is almost like they have "Beginners Luck".

I know it sounds like I am a little jealous (maybe I am) but there is something to the "Prodigal Son" story in this type of experience. Maybe it is a spiritual axiom that we must go out before we can get a home-coming experience.

[IO Storm]

Good for you, OV...

I am glad you found an HP!

In my journey..this has made all the difference.

Very nice post, thank you for sharing this.

[Outvoid]

Originally Posted by Boleo

I have heard stories like this dozens of times. For some reason atheists get spectacular results the first time they say a prayer. It is almost like they have "Beginners Luck".

Perhaps! =)

Actually, even as an athiest I had always been willing to acknowledge the possibility that a god existed; I simply did not believe in one. However, I did occasionally pray and it was always for God to do something for me eg. "God, please help me get this job..." or "God, help me get out of this ticket..." etc.

I think the real key to my experience was being humble and asking to do God's will, instead of mine. I can't say for certain, but I do know that when I pray: "Thy will, not mine, be done" I have a great deal more clarity and feeling of connectedness with God.

I know it sounds like I am a little jealous (maybe I am) but there is something to the "Prodigal Son" story in this type of experience. Maybe it is a spiritual axiom that we must go out before we can get a home-coming experience.

Interesting theory.

I would speculate that coming to know God is more intense for Atheists because we have lived completely apart from spirituality for a good portion of our lives; whereas most theists have some connection with spirituality, in some capacity, on a ongoing basis.

To use an analogy, those who have always known spirituality and come to have a stronger relationship with God is like someone slowly getting into a pool, one foot at a time, and moving from the shallow end to the deep end.
For those who have never known spirituality and come to know God, it's like jumping off the high-dive directly into the deep end. Of course, that's going to make a much bigger 'splash' if you will.

In any case, thanks for sharing.

--Outvoid--

[freya]

Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful and powerful story!

freya

[freya]

double post...sorry

[nowimfound]

Welcome to the family brother Atheists make such great Christians lol most atheists i have spoken to and known have been very deep thinkers. Not deep enough in some sense though eh? But deep thinking and a longing to know God is a great combo. Just look at David from the OT!

I made a profile here just to tell you that reading your testimony was a huge blessing. Have a wonderful weekend!

~Nowimfound♥