How Do I find peace? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

katie44 · 08-15-2009, 07:03 AM

I wasnt quite sure where to post this. I have always believed things happen for a reason and that there are signs in life that are signals for change. I have always thought of myself as a strong person who could handle any sitiation. I thought I was a good person, always trying to help or pick-up other peoples pieces. What I have realized is that help only comes to those that help themselves. I feel so guilty for the way I feel right now. AS is still using, spouse is still binge drinking ( says he doesnt have a problem, he only drinks three times a month) Problem is when he drinks he is rude, belligerent, phones people and says horrible things. Yesterday was the topper, he stayed over nite at work and proceeded to drink. When I went in in the morning he was still half cut. I found his beer and threw it out. It is illegal to drink at work I own half of this business. It is embarrassing, he even answered the phone to some customers. He sounded rude and aggressive. He then proceeded to bother me all day to give him back his beer. To the point he would not get out of my chair if I wouldnt give him a beer, said he was going to mess me up if I didnt give it back ( said he was joking). My nerves were so bad I just wanted to walk out. Of course I couldnt I have employees on the premises and phone calls to answer. our business is on the verge of bankruptcy. We have done everything to hang on. I have never been so tired in my life. I know we will loose our home, everything we have worked for. Spose drinking at work generally does not happen however I am not his babysitter absolutely disgusting. He takes no responsibility for any of his doings and makes excuses for everything. Or points the blame. I just want peace in my life, no more chaos. I see my son it breaks my heart, i look at my spouse and I am full of anger. I spend the day fending off creditors, trying to pretend I am fine. I dont see me spending the next ten years like this. He cheated on me last year said it was the first time. of course I put it on the back burner to try and save this business. I have lost total trust in him. he says its not his fault it was the booze. I lost my mother 2 years ago to cirrosis. I am loosing control of everything in my life and dont know how to fix it. My daughter is coming home with her boyfriend in two weeks too live with us for 4 months until they leave for Thailand. She is a wonderful girl. I feel as if she is about to walk in to a ticking time bomb. She has been sheltered as to what has been going on. Even if we were on good financial ground I know I would feel this way. Everyday I go to work come home and go to bed. This has been going on for two years. I have talked to a counsellor and found no relief. I have had thoughts I just wish I wasnt here anymore, of course I would not do that I have my children. I just dont know where to turn.
I cry all the time, someone suggested an anti-depressant that is not the answer to mask my problems with drugs. I have avoided seeing friends and family. On the weekends I generally sit in the house. There are so many people with worse problems, and i think get it together katie you always have.
I just cant anymore, my paper work is a mess at work, I have let my appearance go, my home is un organized. What is wrong with me? Spouse has ni license ( due to a DUI) three years ago wasnt his fault of course. All I do is drive him around. He is a good man I know that but he is a alcoholic and it disgusts me and along with it causes more chaos.
He blmes AH for all our problems because he had stolen so much etc. Wont look at him self.
Does anyone believe all of this is falling apart because it supposed to. I want to be happy in my life. I have not been to church since I was very young, I believe in spirituality, I just dont know if god truly exists. I think he does, I just dont know. I know there is a HP. Im sorry for my long posting. i really need some advice, i desperately need to find some inner peace and strenght.

Angel1 · 08-15-2009, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katie44

I have not been to church since I was very young, I believe in spirituality, I just don't know if god truly exists. I think he does, I just don't know. I know there is a HP. .... i desperately need to find some inner peace and strength.

There is so much to comment on from your post....but this is what leaped from the screen when I read it.
I too haven't been to church in a very long time, I could probably count the times in the last 30 years on one hand. A friend has been telling me I need to find a church, and I've been very hesitant on that... have never felt like I belong there. Quite a few coincidences happened this past week, long story short, I went to a church to find out about their worship services & also what programs they offered.... met a couple of wonderful people that welcomed me in.... I volunteered to help with some 'grunt' work yesterday... when we were finished I got an amazing tour of this grand old Church (including all the rooms down in the so called 'dungeon' lol)... and then me & this woman sat up in the balcony of the sanctuary & talked & talked.... about everything...it was the most wonderful experience.... it was such a peaceful feeling like I have never felt....amazing. I'm going to go to their service tomorrow, but it was yesterday that I felt I finally 'got' what a church is.
I'm on the same page as you as far as spirituality goes... but from my experience yesterday, I feel I know how to start deepening this.... and maybe, just maybe, I will find what so many others have. All I know right now is... I'm being beckoned back... and I want to be a part of this...not just the worship, but the fellowship...to help out & be a part of it.

katie44 · 08-15-2009, 07:55 AM

hi Angel, What is grunt work? I can relate to your posting. Not sure what church to go to? Or where to begin? sounds life u had a wonderful day! I too am hoping to find what others have. This chaos is no way to live. I truly believe there is more then this.

Angel1 · 08-15-2009, 08:04 AM

'grunt' work, meaning hard labor like moving large heavy stuff.

I didn't know what church to go to either... last week I looked online for churches in our area, one of them that was the closest didn't have their website working, so that's why I ended up going there in person... and just by chance when I got there, someone was working outside & unlocked the church so that I could go in. If that person hadn't been there, I would have tried the front & side door, seen that they were locked & would have thought to myself "oh well.... I tried". If their website had been working.... if I hadn't drove by at the very time someone was outside to let me in.... yesterday would have never happened.
I think we have to keep our heart & mind open to God's wooing.

SerenityGirl · 08-15-2009, 08:55 AM

((Katie)) I just started going to church about five years ago. I wanted a closer relationship with God. And its amazing how things are working out in my life since I have turned my will and life over the God. I begin every morning to ask for help for the day and do some daily readings. Slowly but surely things are getting better, I am feeling more peace. But I am still learning and have a way to go yet.
Also have you tried Alanon for the problem with your husband, you will find others that understand you. Wish you the best, hang in there....

Rusty Zipper · 08-15-2009, 06:21 PM

kate

Quote:

Does anyone believe all of this is falling apart because it supposed to.

well, its falling apart because it is, thats the bottom line...

for me, i would say,

its the safe on the head for your life kate, to work on yourself...

theres no way in hell this will get any better if hubby is still drinking, that is a given...

did God do this to you?

hell no!,

Gods there to help get you through all of this kate...

and how timely,

at tonights meeting, i shared on

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, `Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin?"

scroll down to the friends and family section on the board...

many there have been through this,

and will be available to give you some awesome advice...

good wishes kate!

blessings

**Ann** · 08-15-2009, 06:53 PM

Katie, I could not get through what I had to go through if God had not walked with me. Although religious as a child, I hadn't been to church or thought much about what I believed until my life became almost as bad as yours.

My CoDA meetings were what brought me to think about my spirituality. I went to several different churches to just sit and try to "connect", and I talked to God like I would talk to a wise old friend and in time I just became a spiritual person and found that inner peace I had been seeking.

I don't know what will work for you. I don't know what is right for you. But I hope that sharing here may help you in some small way find the light at the end of your tunnel.

Hugs

katie44 · 08-15-2009, 08:33 PM

I truly believe if I dont get away from this chaos, I will have a breakdown. Funny thing is my spouse says " unbelievable when finances are horrible i am a typical female wanting to bail" Absolutlely not for a very long time his drinking has been an issue ( oh except he has cut back to a few times a month) Wouldnt be the fact that he slept with a 25 year old last year ( not his fault, he was drunk), wouldnt be the fact he talked me in to selling my home nearly three years ago to buy something we could not afford. That home was based on a huge contract he had at work I told him he could loose the contract, he told me know way in life u hae to gamble. Lo and behold the same month we moved in we lost the contract, so we bought another small home wich we can barely hang on to. My children never went without they had what money could buy. What I realize is this is my fault. I would lie to them tell them dad was out on business meanwhile he was getting drunk. My 22 year old son has been battling adiction since he has been 16. What a fool I was I can remember 6 years ago thinking " Oh katie you have done a good job with your family" I thought i had managed to keep everything hidden. how wrong I was. I am so sad, I just want my son to have a healthy and productive life. I know it is his path to recovery. I dont want to feel this pain anymore. As for spouse I just dont want to be someones sitter that broke an important vow. Time to start working on myself.

CAPTAINZING2000 · 08-15-2009, 09:14 PM

I didn't read through everyone's comments

I had to learn acceptance of the God of my understandings will.

I learned nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

USCCB - NAB - Ecclesiastes 3

Rusty Zipper · 08-16-2009, 01:30 AM

katie

Quote:

spouse says " unbelievable when finances are horrible i am a typical female wanting to bail"

this time kate!

tell him, "I'll Play the Part"

***indigo*** · 08-16-2009, 02:29 AM

Hi Katie I was brought up a strict Catholic & it wasn't enough I have taken the values for lots of religions I've studied & found found for me spirituality comes from both within & without I see it working in nature & humanity & for me I have found peace peace I wish for you the same.

Fluttering · 08-17-2009, 09:32 AM

"How Do I find peace?"

Go within

08-15-2009, 07:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
katie44 Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: ontario, canada Posts: 364	How Do I find peace? I wasnt quite sure where to post this. I have always believed things happen for a reason and that there are signs in life that are signals for change. I have always thought of myself as a strong person who could handle any sitiation. I thought I was a good person, always trying to help or pick-up other peoples pieces. What I have realized is that help only comes to those that help themselves. I feel so guilty for the way I feel right now. AS is still using, spouse is still binge drinking ( says he doesnt have a problem, he only drinks three times a month) Problem is when he drinks he is rude, belligerent, phones people and says horrible things. Yesterday was the topper, he stayed over nite at work and proceeded to drink. When I went in in the morning he was still half cut. I found his beer and threw it out. It is illegal to drink at work I own half of this business. It is embarrassing, he even answered the phone to some customers. He sounded rude and aggressive. He then proceeded to bother me all day to give him back his beer. To the point he would not get out of my chair if I wouldnt give him a beer, said he was going to mess me up if I didnt give it back ( said he was joking). My nerves were so bad I just wanted to walk out. Of course I couldnt I have employees on the premises and phone calls to answer. our business is on the verge of bankruptcy. We have done everything to hang on. I have never been so tired in my life. I know we will loose our home, everything we have worked for. Spose drinking at work generally does not happen however I am not his babysitter absolutely disgusting. He takes no responsibility for any of his doings and makes excuses for everything. Or points the blame. I just want peace in my life, no more chaos. I see my son it breaks my heart, i look at my spouse and I am full of anger. I spend the day fending off creditors, trying to pretend I am fine. I dont see me spending the next ten years like this. He cheated on me last year said it was the first time. of course I put it on the back burner to try and save this business. I have lost total trust in him. he says its not his fault it was the booze. I lost my mother 2 years ago to cirrosis. I am loosing control of everything in my life and dont know how to fix it. My daughter is coming home with her boyfriend in two weeks too live with us for 4 months until they leave for Thailand. She is a wonderful girl. I feel as if she is about to walk in to a ticking time bomb. She has been sheltered as to what has been going on. Even if we were on good financial ground I know I would feel this way. Everyday I go to work come home and go to bed. This has been going on for two years. I have talked to a counsellor and found no relief. I have had thoughts I just wish I wasnt here anymore, of course I would not do that I have my children. I just dont know where to turn. I cry all the time, someone suggested an anti-depressant that is not the answer to mask my problems with drugs. I have avoided seeing friends and family. On the weekends I generally sit in the house. There are so many people with worse problems, and i think get it together katie you always have. I just cant anymore, my paper work is a mess at work, I have let my appearance go, my home is un organized. What is wrong with me? Spouse has ni license ( due to a DUI) three years ago wasnt his fault of course. All I do is drive him around. He is a good man I know that but he is a alcoholic and it disgusts me and along with it causes more chaos. He blmes AH for all our problems because he had stolen so much etc. Wont look at him self. Does anyone believe all of this is falling apart because it supposed to. I want to be happy in my life. I have not been to church since I was very young, I believe in spirituality, I just dont know if god truly exists. I think he does, I just dont know. I know there is a HP. Im sorry for my long posting. i really need some advice, i desperately need to find some inner peace and strenght.

08-15-2009, 08:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
SerenityGirl Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: BC Canada Posts: 884	((Katie)) I just started going to church about five years ago. I wanted a closer relationship with God. And its amazing how things are working out in my life since I have turned my will and life over the God. I begin every morning to ask for help for the day and do some daily readings. Slowly but surely things are getting better, I am feeling more peace. But I am still learning and have a way to go yet. Also have you tried Alanon for the problem with your husband, you will find others that understand you. Wish you the best, hang in there.... __________________ KEEP IT SIMPLE & BE THANKFUL

08-15-2009, 06:53 PM	#7 (permalink)
Ann Sharing Our Light Glop 2:Glops Revenge Champion! Ray Ray Shuffle Champion! Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 18,172	Katie, I could not get through what I had to go through if God had not walked with me. Although religious as a child, I hadn't been to church or thought much about what I believed until my life became almost as bad as yours. My CoDA meetings were what brought me to think about my spirituality. I went to several different churches to just sit and try to "connect", and I talked to God like I would talk to a wise old friend and in time I just became a spiritual person and found that inner peace I had been seeking. I don't know what will work for you. I don't know what is right for you. But I hope that sharing here may help you in some small way find the light at the end of your tunnel. Hugs __________________ Somewhere between the gator swamp and the Taj Mahal there is a path, it may be hidden, overgrown or may blend in with the other surroundings, but it is there, it's your path and it is calling you.~Frankly~

08-15-2009, 09:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
CAPTAINZING2000 Thankful for our Veterans Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: ILLINOIS Posts: 8,161 Blog Entries: 1	I didn't read through everyone's comments I had to learn acceptance of the God of my understandings will. I learned nothing happens in God's world by mistake. USCCB - NAB - Ecclesiastes 3 __________________ LIFE IS GOD'S GIFT TO YOU WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE IS YOUR GIFT TO GOD J - Jesus first O - Others next Y - Yourself last John 14:6

08-16-2009, 02:29 AM	#11 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,919	Hi Katie I was brought up a strict Catholic & it wasn't enough I have taken the values for lots of religions I've studied & found found for me spirituality comes from both within & without I see it working in nature & humanity & for me I have found peace peace I wish for you the same. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

08-15-2009, 07:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
katie44 Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: ontario, canada Posts: 364	hi Angel, What is grunt work? I can relate to your posting. Not sure what church to go to? Or where to begin? sounds life u had a wonderful day! I too am hoping to find what others have. This chaos is no way to live. I truly believe there is more then this.

08-15-2009, 08:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
Angel1 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 379	'grunt' work, meaning hard labor like moving large heavy stuff. I didn't know what church to go to either... last week I looked online for churches in our area, one of them that was the closest didn't have their website working, so that's why I ended up going there in person... and just by chance when I got there, someone was working outside & unlocked the church so that I could go in. If that person hadn't been there, I would have tried the front & side door, seen that they were locked & would have thought to myself "oh well.... I tried". If their website had been working.... if I hadn't drove by at the very time someone was outside to let me in.... yesterday would have never happened. I think we have to keep our heart & mind open to God's wooing.

08-15-2009, 08:33 PM	#8 (permalink)
katie44 Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: ontario, canada Posts: 364	I truly believe if I dont get away from this chaos, I will have a breakdown. Funny thing is my spouse says " unbelievable when finances are horrible i am a typical female wanting to bail" Absolutlely not for a very long time his drinking has been an issue ( oh except he has cut back to a few times a month) Wouldnt be the fact that he slept with a 25 year old last year ( not his fault, he was drunk), wouldnt be the fact he talked me in to selling my home nearly three years ago to buy something we could not afford. That home was based on a huge contract he had at work I told him he could loose the contract, he told me know way in life u hae to gamble. Lo and behold the same month we moved in we lost the contract, so we bought another small home wich we can barely hang on to. My children never went without they had what money could buy. What I realize is this is my fault. I would lie to them tell them dad was out on business meanwhile he was getting drunk. My 22 year old son has been battling adiction since he has been 16. What a fool I was I can remember 6 years ago thinking " Oh katie you have done a good job with your family" I thought i had managed to keep everything hidden. how wrong I was. I am so sad, I just want my son to have a healthy and productive life. I know it is his path to recovery. I dont want to feel this pain anymore. As for spouse I just dont want to be someones sitter that broke an important vow. Time to start working on myself.

08-17-2009, 09:32 AM	#12 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Poolpyhazard Champion! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 3,164	"How Do I find peace?" Go within __________________

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