Be careful what you ask for. A question of faith.

[SomeCallMeTim]

I hope this is the right place for this. I'm not a religious man, but i do have a deep belief in God, just not organized religion. I wrote this for my local AA club and from a recent experience.


I'm 46 days clean as i write this. I've had years clean before and been in/aware of the program since 1984. For once in my life i get it. For me it's about faith. I grew up catholic until i was 9. Went to catholic school, catechism, church every Sunday, the whole deal. When i was 9 my dad died unexpectedly and my mom suddenly quit going to church. Aside from the vengeful, angry God i was taught up to this point, when my mom stopped going to church suddenly it confused me. I was on my way to hating God for taking my dad and for being what i thought was an angry, punishing God. After years of hating and questioning God, or the idea of God, i claimed myself an Atheist. I was so miserable and full of myself, hate, anger, and cynicism i blamed God for all of it. Notice something funny there? If i was an atheist, how could i blame something for all my problems if i didn't believe it existed? This was where my warped thinking had gotten me, and i actually believed it. In the last years of my using/drinking i had managed to push away all my friends and family. I had destroyed my business, lost all the material things that i was using to try and make myself happy and fill this huge hole in myself. The last 2 years i burned through several jobs, basically destroying my job history, all the while getting progressively more loaded, angry and depressed. My bottom came one day when i simply couldn't function on the most basic level and i hit my knees in a desperate attempt to save myself from the inevitable. I was suicidal, scared, hopeless, and out of control. This disease had finally beaten me into a state of utter defeat, and for once in my life, teachability. Now onto the real message i'm trying to relay. I came back to the program completely defeated, but totally teachable. A clean slate so to speak. I was unemployed, broke, helpless and willing to listen to anything. I was, however, still hanging on to a lot of my insecurities. Especially about being unemployed and broke. These 2 things are huge blows to my pride and ego. Pride and ego are 2 of my biggest defects and they almost defeated me once again. I was so desperate for work, and had no income of any kind i decided to start asking God for a job and financial security once again. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you God tests us, but God WILL let us take control and make decisions that are bad, and in this case, dangerous. I took the 1st job that came up that was close and convenient. The whole time, from the application, the interviewing process, (which i was handed a chance to not take the job) and even the training process, my gut instinct, (god consciousness) was saying i wasn't ready for this job, and to be honest looking back on it, i hated it. I was taking control and not listening to what God was saying and it nearly cost me everything i had built up my 1st 30 days clean. I took the job even though every fiber of my being was screaming "Don't do it." I had lost track of my faith just that fast. Faith that God will give me what i NEED, not what i WANT, or THINK i need. After 2 weeks i finally had made myself miserable enough once again that i quit the job. A funny thing happened after that. I felt good again. I need to remind myself every day that if i believe, honestly, wholeheartedly and with no reservations, that God will do for me what i cannot do for myself, i'll be just fine. I may not be getting all the things i WANT, but i will, as sure as the sun will rise every morning, get what i need to live. If you're new to the program, please take heed. Check yourself before asking God for anything. Check your motives, be it desperation, selfishness, whatever. You may just get what you ask for, and it may very well NOT be what you need.

Tim S.

[indigo]

Welcome to spirituality.

[Rusty Zipper]

Tim, your in the right place...

thanks for sharing that...

i lost somone who struggled as you did, and for years...

the last recovery,

she was doing well...

until she took her will back...

"thy will be done"

blessings to you tim,

and welcome

rz

[Believe808]

Thanks Tim, alot of what you posted is my life, but for the Grace of God, today I am 10 months sober, one day at a time.

[IO Storm]

Me too, Tim.

3 years, 1 month, 13 days.

I too, believe sometimes He gives us what we ask for, because He loves us so darn much.

I am finding..more and more...it is far, far better to pray "Thy will, not mine."

Far better.

I am not so wise.

Thanks for your share..

[Fluttering]

Thank You Tim
One of the greatest gifts God gives us is free choice. It is a mixed blessing for some.
I too abused that gift for many years. Today I know "Thy will be done"