Almost Acceptance

[Conez]

Hi all just going off on an issue thats been @heart and in mind lately...

The other day @SR whilst reading posts and writing one particular reply of support.... i almost had an epiphany.
I don't know if thats what it was... coz i didn't act upon it, just came to an understanding or a realization about my issues with Prayer and Self Acceptance.

I realised while reading and replying... expressing my welcome and support to a SR newcomer.
that i had an overwhelming empathy, compassion and the desire to geniunely reach out and give my heartfelt support in this newcomers struggles....

i almost wanted to pray for this person in way of protection for a will greater than mine (or any lil welcome i could throw out in a forum) could give....

i wanted to pray for someone else's struggles, at the same point, i don't find any comfort in praying about my own.
I still do not pray or find faith or reason in it for myself.

i can only think my lack of self worth is part reason why i cannot find prayer a useful tool...

I hear alot of the prayer talk in AA rooms... and something even more unfamiliar to me.

this simple notion of acceptance.... (BB 4th ed. pg417 wording)

when i am disturbed, it is because i find some person(myself), place, thing or situation -some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and i can find no serenity until i accept that person, place, thing or situation as being the way its suppose to be at this moment....

unless I accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy.



Starting to believe i'm mentally incapable of acceptance,


I don't accept anything positive, nothing ever meets my expectations (not even me) or gives me any feeling of contentment
I cannot accept my inner struggles, problems or sick way of thinking will ever change.
I cannot accept serenity when there's no other power greater than hatred for myself.
I don't accept myself .... my faults and failures deep within myself i will never find reprive or take any good with the bad and Accept that is ok.

the only thing i can accept is i will have a miserable life sober or not...

:wtf2why am i like this? why can't i find acceptance or balance bad with good?
I seriously, cannot for the life of me think any other way...
in the same breath i care about u, i condemn myself.

[Rusty Zipper]

what a spiritual experience you had conez!

yep, thats how it works...

heres one for ya...

"it is equally necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one."

good wishes conez

keep growing!

xxoo

rz

[Conez]

Thanx RZ.
all this is increasingly becoming apparent... and it's not an easy process.
For me it is one of acceptance.
I am in that stage where internal inspection... highlights the essence of my difficulties.
taking in stride counselling and AA.... its a process of growth, understanding and acceptance.

Its suggested to pray but to Pray = Acceptance

to the point of defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of all our woes, including our alcoholism....
This investigation is commencing, i don't accept that i'm powerless, that defective relations with others (and myself) are that immediate cause... that i myself am(if that makes any sense).

As in the serenity prayer... i don't have the wisdom to know the difference.

P.S i think my counsellor in the short time i have been going has picked up on this. we are currently going thru this process together... a growth and understanding required... hopefull i'll find this wisdom to know the difference and "get" acceptance and as mentioned earlier

Originally Posted by Conez

unless I accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy.

[best]

When I realized God made me the way He did and I am good enough for Him...what I think of me doesn't matter. Well yes it does but from another angle.
God says...Good enough (as He doesn't make no junk)
So when I don't agree...one of us is wrong. Last I looked in the mirror... I wasn't God. hmmm So accept His opinion or continue with the bad feelings inside.
His way...I like much better.

[indigo]

Thanks for sharing that with us Conez, I hope you will update us on your journey.

[Fluttering]

Thank You Conez

It is pretty awesome when the lightbulbs go off and the clarity comes

[Sunlight81]

Self loathing is sometimes based on fear and secrets. The double life, as described in the BB, is wanting to enjoy a certain reputation that you know in your heart, you do not deserve. Sometimes it goes like this, if you knew me like I know me, you wouldn't like me, either. Humility is just truth. We're generally not as good at the things we're good at and not as bad as we think we are. That's what some people find out in the 5th step.

Until we know better, most of us want to get our value as a person from what we do or what we have. Our real value comes from what we are. You might find out what you are and share it.

Most of us were never taught healthy self care.

[Conez]

Thanx Sunlight...
I'm trying to understand all this and clarify what this procees is or means... ur post is very valid and helps to open my eyes a lil more.

Great thing about being in the SR community, thanx for all the repies... love u guys!:ghug

[acon4726]

Hi Conez. I'm curious, how are you on your step work? Not trying to be a book thumper- its just that I had feelings just like you describe, and working the steps has helped me so much. When I feelings like that rise again I pray, read the promises (pg 93) and do some step work.

[Conez]

Thanx Acon4726.
No, I haven't formally begun workin the steps.... haven't really had much contact with my sponsor since it got this idea in my head she was giving up on me. i mentioned this in another thread, saying i was concerned her approach was a lil casual and attempts at step work was already failing.

i've been reading the bigbook and living sober... and also making it as many meetings i can.
i was told the other day.... if i have doubt then don't act.... so suppose thats why i've sorta stagnated in the last wk or 2.
I'm as crazy as a cut snake now sober.... so i bite my tongue knowing its best i let my not-so-rational thoughts go.... i'm also dealing with moderate-severe depression and have my Dr giving me assorted doses of an anti-depressant... i personally have noticed its effect on my moods and some severe side effects... so as i put it to my counsellor... i'm twiddling my thumbs until i can again trust my sanity.
just very scared and unsure of myself at the moment and the direction that my sober life is taking... as so far i'm miserable, trapped in that insanity that leads me toward the first drink... its a daily challenge from the highs to the lows, i really don't know who i freakin' am no more!

[Sunlight81]

Two points

One of my favorite nick names for AA is Misfits Anonymous. We are people who never felt like we fit in anywhere. And when we catch ourselves thinking that we don't fit in AA, either, that's a very lonely place. The only way to find people we can share with is to be honest at meetings, maybe a lot of meetings, maybe different meetings.

If you think you have to be different to be loved, this is also a very lonely place. I try to act different to be loved and even if someone says they do, I know it's bogus. Can't win that one. Something happened to you to make you think you were unlovable. Based on what happened to you, you might have come to the conclusion that you were unlovable. You cannot change what happened to you but you can change your conclusion.

I love you and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.

(And, no, I don't want to have sex with you.)

[Conez]

you know the only place i don't feel so lonely is in the rooms of AA... i keep coming back not to share, but to listen and just be there.

(sunlight)I don't know how, when, where or why i came to the conculsion that i was unlovable or unacceptable.
take away the drink it takes away my facade... i'm left with raw me in this 'conculsion' and state of hopeless worth.
one day at a time, i want to gain back what never existed... not an easy feat but i am willing to change that 'conculsion', just so, if anything... i can love and accept all that is me.

[Rusty Zipper]

a thing that works for me with my built in debateing society is...

i ask myself...

"do i really believe that is the truth?"

i take a good hard look, ask "is that what HP would believe"

what i think, and what is... are usually to different things

this misfit, is now fit!

good wishes you two!

xxoo

rz

[Fluttering]

Hi Conez

Folks share thier ESH but none of us know the determination that is in the heart of another.. There are times folks will share their opinions based on what they see on the outside..What helps me is knowing I am right with God. When others share their opinion with me and I can go to my heart and ask if what they are saying is true.. God alone is my judge.. Therefore the slogan..Take what you need ad leave the rest..

If your sponosr is makiong judgements or is not willing to walk you thru the steps orwhatever maybe it is time to make a change. I have had to do that a time or two. Remember folks come into our lives for a season...When the lesson is learned sometimes they move on. Thre are als times we outgrow our sponsor.. Then it is time again for me to take a look at why I am stagnant..That is not judging the sponsor it is just we have grown and need a new perspective. or another person with more lessons to teach us and more ESH to share with us.

The other paart of this is we can hear tha committee in our heads where doubts live...But when I take the 1 foot drop to my heart...I find that is where my truths live.

[Sunlight81]

Originally Posted by Conez

you know the only place i don't feel so lonely is in the rooms of AA... i keep coming back not to share, but to listen and just be there.

(sunlight)I don't know how, when, where or why i came to the conculsion that i was unlovable or unacceptable.
take away the drink it takes away my facade... i'm left with raw me in this 'conculsion' and state of hopeless worth.
one day at a time, i want to gain back what never existed... not an easy feat but i am willing to change that 'conculsion', just so, if anything... i can love and accept all that is me.

Someplace to start.

One of my closest friends, says to me, I'm a piece of crap.

I said, That's fine, just be the best piece of crap you can be.

He started laughing and he's been laughing ever since.

You're right where you are supposed to be and you are doing the best you can and you do not give yourself credit for it.

Who said raw and hopeless was unlovable?

Why do I use that little guy with the sunglasses?

"I have been given a quiet place in the bright sunshine." Bill W

[ananda]

One of my favorite parts of the 12x12 or big book (cant remember wich) is "we no longer have to be square pegs in round holes" My sponsor pointed out it didn't mean I had to become a round peg....there are lots of shape holes, one for each of us. different doesn't mean terminally unique. we all fit just the way we are.

I have learned to appricieate the round, square, triangular, and all the other pegs I meet at meetings. They all have a place in my sobriety. YOU TOO!!!!!

[Conez]

thank you everyone... a lot of food for thought.
i will be reading this thread many times over.... it has been very helpful and i'm sure i can gain some more from it.

[Enquire]

Originally Posted by Conez

when i am disturbed, it is because i find some person(myself), place, thing or situation -some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and i can find no serenity until i accept that person, place, thing or situation as being the way its suppose to be at this moment....

unless I accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy.

Skipping way back to the origin of this thread, at the time of having read the above statement it affected me profoundly. Got me thinking, investigating, the concept of acceptance. Self-acceptance. The desire to be accepted by others.

In my life I've struggled to outwardly conform with the expectations others have of me. That contradicts with what and who I am. Resulting in a dual life. I present myself as the person they want me to be, while internally hiding who I am. Which I know to be worthy, in fact, I have much to offer. But am too scared to stand up for myself, for fear of the control their rejection, their JUDGMENTS, I allow to have over me. Oh the unnecessary distress this has created.

Rather than elaborate further on this, I present a bit of what I've found on the subject of acceptance. To share with others, in hopes it sheds light and hope and inspiration for you as it does for me. Peace.


In an observation we see, hear, feel what is happening around us. We then state what we see. When we’re judging something, we go one step further in the process of observation and add in a subjective evaluation. We label the event as either good, or bad. THAT, is the value judgment. You're not removing the decision making process, you're simply replacing "good and bad" with "I want, I don't want."

“Judgment stands as an obstacle to self-love.
When you form judgments about another person,
for instance, “this person looks like a lazy person,
or a failure, or has terrible clothes,” you create
a message to your subconscious that the world
is a place where you had better act in certain
ways if you want to be accepted...that you are
only going to accept yourself under certain
conditions. This leads to an inner dialogue of
self-criticism.”
- Orin

What if you were to drop your value judgments and simply saw “what is” then identified what you wanted and why? It could totally transform your experience. What are the ramifications of doing so? Perhaps you would find a well of love for yourself and others that you never knew existed. Perhaps you'd notice the less you judge yourself, the less you'll judge others.

“Acceptance allows change. The 'acceptance mode' includes everything, even my judgments. It allows me to be okay now, even before I reach my goals.”

“When you begin to accept yourself the way you are right now, you begin a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were so caught up in the struggle against reality that that was all you could do.”
- Traveling Free, Mandy Evans

[Conez]

thanx for that enquire... will read it again when i sober up... i'm sure it will make more sence when i do and i could possibly reply with a lil more thought. bbs :S

[best]

Originally Posted by Conez

will read it again when i sober up...

I hear tell that today is a good day to start.

[indigo]

Yes i believe it is too best.