The Language of Letting Go

[Fluttering]

3/21/08

Concidering Committment

Pay attentin to your commitments.

While most of us fear committing, it's good to weigh the cost of any committment we are concidering. We need to feel consistently positive that it's an appropriate commitment for us.

many of us have a history of jumping - leaping headfirst - into committments without weighing the cost and the possible consequences of that particular commitment. When we get in, we find that we do not really want to commit, and feel trapped.

Some of us may become afraid of losing out on a aprticular opportunity if we don't commit. It is true that we will lose out on certain opportunities if we are unwilling to commit. We still need to weigh the commitment. We still need to become clear about whether that commitment seems right for us. If it isn't, we need to be direct and honest with others and ourselves.

Be patient. Do some soul searching. Wait for a clear answer. We need to make our commitments no tin urgency or panic but in quiet confidence that waht qwe are committing to is right for us.

If something within says no, find the courage to trust that voice.

This is not our last chance. It is not the only opportunityu we'll ever have. Don't panic. We don't have to commit to what isn't right for us, even if we try to tell ourselves it should be right for us and we should commit.


Often, we can trust our intuitive sense more than we can trust our intellect about commitments.

in the excitrement of amking a committment and beginning, we may overlook the realities of the middle. That is what we need to concider.

We don't have to commit out of urgency, impulsivity, or fear. We are entitled to ask, Will this be good for me? We are enittled to ask if this committment feels right.

Today, God, guide me in making my committments. Help me say yes to what is in my highest good, and no to what isn't. I will give serious concideration before I commit myself to any activity or person. I will take the time to consider if thew commitment is really what I want.

Melody Beattle

[Fluttering]

March 22

Letting Go of Being a Victim

It’s okay to have a good day. Really

It’s okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track.

Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want is to be victims. If life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept like, and approve of us, we think.

We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim.

We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. In fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way.

We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our own power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us.

We all have bad days – days when things are not going the way we’d like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker feelings in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization.

It’s okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we’ll have more to enjoy.

God, help me let go of my need to be a victim. Help me to let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention I need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my own power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them.


The language of Letting Go by Melody Beattle

[indigo]

Thank you sweetheart

[nandm]

Thank you so much for these. I started reading The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beatte by the time I was 3 months sober. I learned so much about boundaries, taking care of myself, learning how to be responsible for my own feelings, and so much more. I also love the Language of Letting Go 2. :ghug2

[Fluttering]

March 23

Flack From Setting Boundaries

We need to know how far we’ll go, and how far we’ll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
-Beyond Codependency

When we own our own power to take care of ourselves – set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern – we may get flack from some people. That’s okay. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.

We don’t have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don’t have to expect them not to react either.

People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.

If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they’ll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. . If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us flack when we stop. That’s normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.

If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That’s okay. That’s flack too.

We don’t have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we’ve decided we want and need to change. We don’t have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn’t deserve it. It will die down.

Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.

[Fluttering]

Appreciating ourselves

We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life easier.
-Codependent No More

It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.

We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly – feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we do not.

We have a right to be here.

We have a right to be ourselves.

We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and in intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.

We are good enough, and deserving.

Others do not have our magic. It is in us.

It doesn’t matter what we’ve done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.

We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.

That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.

God, help me own my own power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.

[Fluttering]

3/25

Letting go of worry

What if we knew for certain that everything we’re worried about today will work out fine?

What if…we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we’d be grateful for that problem, and its solution?

What if…we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they’re intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don’t have to control or take responsibility for them?

What if…we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?

What if…we knew everything was okay, and we didn’t have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?

We’d be free to let go and enjoy life.

Today I will know that I don’t have to worry about anything. If I do worry I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.

[indigo]

As always thank you dearheart.

[Fluttering]

3/26

Gifts not burdens

Children are gifts, if we accept them.
~Kathleen Turner Crilly

Children are gifts. Our Children, if we have children, are a gift to us. We, as children, were gifts to our parents.

Sadly, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the Universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate is for the gifts we are.

Many of us have a deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and arte, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationships with others. This belief can even impair our relationship with a Higher Power; we may feel we are a burden to God.

If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.

We are not a burden. We never were. I few received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.

We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift – to ourselves, to others, and to the Universe.

We are here, and we have a right to be here.

Today, I will treat myself, and any children I have, as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden – to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself.

[Fluttering]

3/27

After-Burn

“How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid.”

This is a common reaction to new exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, and fear.

We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They’re a backlash. They’re after-burn. Let hem burn out.

When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life – shame and guilt.

Many of us grew up with shame based messages that it wasn’t okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our own power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn’t okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn’t okay.

Let it all burn off. We don’t have the right to take after-burn so seriously. We don’t let he after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don’t have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.

Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?

You bet we do.

Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me to let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to be if I really start caring for and loving myself.

[Fluttering]

3/28

Balance

Seek balance.

Balance emotions with reason.

Combine detachment with doing our part.

Balance giving with receiving.

Alternate work with play, business with personal activities.

Balance tending to our spiritual needs with tending to our other needs.

Juggle responsibilities to others with responsibilities to ourselves.

Balance caring about others with caring about ourselves.
Wherever possible, let’s be good to others, but be good to ourselves too.

Some of us have to make up for lost time.

Today, I will strive for balance.

[Rusty Zipper]

flutter, for me, balance begins with keeping life in one pocket, and recovery in the other...

xxooxxoo

[Fluttering]

3/29

Getting needs met.

Picture yourself walking through a meadow. There is a path opening before you. As you walk, you feel hungry. Lok to your left. There’s a fruit tree in full bloom. Pick what you need.

Steps later, you notice you’re thirsty. On your right, there’s a fresh water spring.

When you are tired, a resting place emerges. When you are lonely, a friend appears to walk with y9ou. When you get lost a teacher with a map appears.

Before long, you notice the flow; need and supply; desire and fulfillment. Maybe, you wonder, Someone gave me the need because Someone planned to fulfill the need, so I would notice and accept the gift. Maybe closing my eyes to the desire closes my arms to its fulfillment.

Demand and supply, desire and fulfillment – a continuous cycle, unless we break it. All the necessary supplies have already been planned and provided for this journey.

Today, everything I need shall be supplied.

[Fluttering]

3/30

Experiment

Experiment. Try something new. Try stepping out.

We have been held back too long. We have held ourselves back too long.

As children, many of us were deprived of the right to experiment and learn as adults.

Now is the time to experiment. It is an important part of recovery. Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes. But from those mistakes, you can learn what your values are.

Somethings we just won’t like. That’s good. Then we’ll know a little more about who we are and what we don’t like.

Some things we will like. They will work with our values. They will work with who we are, and we will discover something important and life-enriching.

There is a quiet time in recovery, a time to stand still and heal, a time to give ourselves a cooling off time. This is a time of introspection and healing. It is an important time. We deal with our issues.

There is also a time when it is equally important to experiment, to begin to “test the water”.

Recovery does not equal abstention from life. Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully. Recovery means exploration, investigation, experimentation.


Recovery means being done with the rigid, shame based rules from the past, and formulating healthy values based on self love, love for others, and living in harmony with this world.

Experiment. Try something new. Maybe you won’t like it. Maybe you’ll make a mistake. But maybe you will like it, and maybe you’ll discover something you love.

Today, I will give myself permission to experiment in life. I will stop rigidly holding myself back, and I will jump in when jumping in feels right. God, help me to let go of my need to deprive myself of being alive.

[Fluttering]

/31

Finances

Taking financial responsibility for ourselves is a part of recovery. Some of us may find ourselves in hard financial times for a variety of reasons.

Our recovery concepts, including the Steps, work on money issues and restoring manageability to that area of our life. Make appropriate amends – even if that means tackling a $5000.00 debt by sending in $5.00 a month.

Start where you are, with what you’ve got. As with other issues, acceptance and gratitude turn what we have into more.

Money issues are not a good place to act as if. Don’t write checks until the money is in the bank. Don’t spend money until you’ve got it in hand.
If there is too little money to survive, use the appropriate resources available without shame.

Set goals.
Believe you deserve the best, financially.

Believe God cares about your finances.
Let go of your fear, and trust.

Today, I will focus on taking responsibility for my present financial circumstances, no matter how overwhelming that area of my life may feel and be.

[Fluttering]

Going easy

Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentelness, go in peace.

Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.

frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life.

Do not be in too muchof a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. beginnings will arrive soon enough.

Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.

Do not be in too mush of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yurself fully to those moments so that you may give3 and get all there is.

let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently though. Do it in peace. Cherish the moment.

Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward, gently, not frantically. help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.

[Fluttering]

Facing Our Darker Side

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves".

By the time we get to the Fourth Step of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, loving ourselves and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse, our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events-buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interferring with the quality of our relationships. These beliefs say: I'm not loveable...I'm a burden to those around me...People can't be trusted...I can't be trusted...I don't deserve to be happy and successful...Life isn't worth living. We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt - earned and unearned - and expose it to the light.

We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

[Fluttering]

Those Old-Time Feelings

I still have bad days. But that's okay. I used to have bad years.
Anon

Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as "soul-Sickenss".

Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun our recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.

Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason at all.

A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in fo ra long painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.

The solution is the same practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting ourself, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the steps show we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self love.

If the old feelings come back, kow for certain there is a way out that will work.

Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of co dependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.

[Fluttering]

I don't precisely know what you need to take care of yourself. But I kow you can figure it out. ~Beyond Codependency

Rest when you're tired.

Take a drink of cold water when you're thristy.

Call a friend when you're lonely.

Ask God for help when you feel overwhelmed.

Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that we're already pushed too hard.

Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we're tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, wo love themselves and care for themselves are the delight of the Universe.

They are well-timed, efficient, and Divinely led.

Today, I will practice loving self care.