Fear

[frankly]

I am afraid. I fear that maybe I've got it all wrong. I don't know who or what to believe in any more. What if I believe in the wrong thing. I've been thinking a lot about what is beyond death, where my spirit will go. If there is anything. A part of me "feels" a strong spiritual leading, while another part of me feels like I'm just talking myself into it for the comfort that it brings.

I feel like I'm in a tug of war over my soul. I'm overwhelmed by so much sorrow in this world, and at the same time, in awe of so much beauty.

It's like an evil whispering so many questions in one ear, while my faith keeps chastising me for having those questions in the other ear.

I feel like I've been tested and failed, retested and failed. That the final test is here, I have to believe in believing, or believe in and trust nothing.

I feel like my mom and dad are up there watching and waiting for me to make the right decision. I feel a love from them that I never felt when they were here. I feel like they want me to love them back, and part of me does, but part of me just holds back. And I wonder if I'm just projecting these feelings because I still need them to love me, because I want to feel it, because I really need to feel that. Are their spirits really there, or am I just dilluding myself that they are.

I've got a big test comming and I'm not sure I'm ready.

Not even asking any questions here. I have to find my path on this one alone. I'm just writing out some of my feelings. Maybe even asking for some prayers. Heck, I really don't know why I'm writing this. I just am.

B

[Ann]

((Franlky))

Watch a sunrise, touch a baby, smell a breeze, light a candle and close your eyes. All those things help me connect.

You'll find it, Frankly, when you're not even looking.

Hugs

[frankly]

I do Ann. And I feel it. I see the miricles, I feel the blessings. And I feel lost. Like I'm outside looking in. I'm holding back on something. I'm not giving myself up to it, because of fear. Because of a desire to control my own destiny, when I know, I have no control. As much as this site has helped me heal, it has also opened up old wounds that in the past, I had delt with by stuffing and pretending they were not there. I can't pretend any more. And I can't move forward until I come to terms with my own past. The very things that turned me away from my faith.

I'm haunted by feelings that I don't deserve my HP's presents. That I will always be on the outside looking in. Questioning my thoughts, my actions, afraid that I will do something the wrong way. Afraid that I'm not strong enough to face that past and put it to rest once and for all. Afraid that it will always have a hold on my soul.

Afraid that I will end up in hell in the afterlife for not being able to control these feelings and thoughts, the flashbacks that produce hatred, not love, doubt, not faith, anger instead of forgiveness, panic instead of peace.

Just rambling on. I've got so much in my head right now, and I want to take the right path but free will isn't giving me any hints on which way to go.

Thanks for letting me just speak these things out loud. It helps me to clense my soul by admitting them.

B

[indigo]

I think maybe a lot of people feel or have felt that way sometimes in their lives.. Be assured you are worthy and you are worth it, you are enough and so are we all. I wish you peace and rest from your suffering.

[frankly]

((happy))

I guess I just don't know what the next right thing is right now. In a way, there aren't any new pads to jump to, but when I look back, there are lots of pads I just jumped over to avoid. New ones aren't going to show themselves until I face the ones I cleverly avoided. Funny how that works I guess. I've still been trying to control things I couldn't control.

B

[Fluttering]

Hi Frankly

We as alcoholics and as addicts tend to over analyze...My sponsor told me once that I think too much...
She suggested I take the one foot drop..to my heart. The heart knows and listens...then I heard how it is no coincidence that the word "ear" is in the middle of the word "heart". So it was suggested to listen to the heart. For me that works.

As indie said....many of us have doubted and questioned our faith our beliefs...those doubts and fears come from the board of directors in my head but the heart has never steered me wrong. It is faith that gives me the courage to walk through the fear whne those questions and doubts crowd in.

Many hugs to you.

[Enquire]

Originally Posted by frankly

I don't know who or what to believe in any more.

It's coming to my awareness that the "who" and "what" we most need to believe in is our own self. That is where your reality is. That is where your control is. That is what you need to know you can trust.

Frankly, there's a beautiful thread ongoing discussing Fear. Sunlight started it. It's called "The Works of Byron Katie" and it's on this Spirituality forum. I encourage you to check it out. There's much to be offered there, so I'm finding. Peace to you.