dawnrising

How do you move past all the lies? I feel like I am in the endless loop of hurt and just when I get a glimpse of feeling better the wave hits again. I am having to provide so much information to the attorneys and in going through it I can't hide from the truth. My husband of 22 years has turned into everything he said he despised. He is a pathological liar, he's unfaithful, he's manipulative, he's selfish and he continues to try and sell this fantasy of being a good person. I am going to have to relive all of this in court because he still won't be honest with me and the attorneys or probably himself. Its almost as if new levels of bad keep getting exposed and its so much worse than I could have imagined. I know this is probably good for closure but this man has hurt me more than everyone else combined. I was constantly hit and degraded as a child, I was stalked and attacked as a young woman, I have been cheated on and lied to by old boyfriends, but no one has ever made me feel the kind of pain that my husband has. I thought being left in a hotel room after disfiguring cancer surgery was the worst but thats nothing compared to the truth of who I married that I am facing right now. People say to take your power back you need to own your story, I want to be strong enough but I am unsure how. I want to be able to move forward and live my life again. Part of me wants to show all the evidence to his family, friends, coworkers maybe even his grandmother and she is the one I respect the most. Lord knows what he has told them more lies I am sure. Maybe I am the delusional one? I believed I married a good person who valued and cared for other people, there were so many signs along the way (more than just the alcohol, and so many people who warned me.) It would actually be easier if he had died. That sounds horrible to say but it would be easier because there is finality to it, but then again I'm sure his family and others who didn't really know him would rewrite his history and make a martyr of him like they did his father. So the cycle continues I guess the one good thing is that the kids and I are no longer on the ride.

FeelingGreat

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It's a sad truth that divorce is a stage of separating ourselves from our spouses for good. It's a long journey with some very hard stages, but keep your eyes on the destination.

I know some responders here say it doesn't matter what others think of you, but sometimes that's a bit unrealistic. The truth tends to come out over time though, and if his friends and family aren't completely blind I'm sure they have an idea of what he's really like.

In a year or two, when it's over, you will start to make real progress.

honeypig

It's cold comfort to you now, dawnrising, but like FG said above, the truth will almost certainly come out in time. Those who have a vested interest in NOT seeing it will NEVER see it, and there is really nothing you can do about that. But those are likely not the people that matter the most to you, are they?

And the others will begin putting the puzzle pieces together eventually. There is a saying that is very common in both AA and Alanon. It is simply these 4 words: More will be revealed.

Just 4 words, but yet so powerful. If you haven't read this thread yet, take a look: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-revealed.html (As Always, More Was Revealed...)

Seren

^^^What they said. And you can't go wrong with St. Augustine...'cause he was one powerfully intelligent man.

I just wanted to send you warm thoughts and good wishes! You will be in my prayers as all this moves forward.

You may have already mentioned this, but do you have an advocate who will be with you in court?

dandylion

I had the same thought as Seren…..do you have a court advocate?

SmallButMighty

dawnrising, I know how overwhelming this all feels right now. I remember feeling so sad, hurt and exhausted. I knew my marriage was toxic and it was the right thing to get out of it, but it was hell going through the process. Some one here told me, that her aunt had told her, that the first two years were hell but then it would start to get better... that was about right in my experience. Even though my life started to improve vastly once I was no longer living with him, the grief of the break up stayed with me for quite a while. I couldn't just get over it, or around it, I had to go through it to get it behind me.

Eventually you will stop worrying about what other people think or say, of course no one wants to be the topic of gossip, but you will get to a point where you realize that your Truth is what matters and what other people want to believe is their business. I am a better person since my fiasco of a marriage breakdown with AXH, I wont listen to or put any stock into gossip I hear. I know for a fact those kind of rumours will be severely skewed if not totally false. Everybody has struggles and for other people to take entertainment value from it by gossiping about it is repugnant. I am ashamed I ever participated in that behavior as a younger more arrogant person who thought I had a perfect marriage...like that gave me some right to pass judgement... *sigh*

Try to stay calm and focused. Live your Truth. Hold your head up high. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you finish slogging through the rest of this mess. You will get through it, you will be so much stronger when you do. Promise.

Hugs.

dawnrising

Thank you for all the warm wishes. What is a court advocate, I have my attorney is it someone else? I have actually thought about asking some of my friends to be there they absolutely will show up for me if I ask. All of this is shaking my foundation of doing the right thing, taking the high road will pay off but it seems to be causing me an extraordinary amount of pain, while AH is slugging along in the ditch happy as a clam spending a ton of money on booze, dating etc.

Seren

Your attorney is who I am referring to. I did not remember whether you had hired one or not--forgive me. I am glad that you will be represented!

Raindrops

Dawn rising- I just went through what you are going through. Taking the high road was tough. My husband was as dismissive and lying as can be and he had no remorse. It won't be easy. It is a lottt of pain but what really was I grieving ? The loss of that illusion of a marriage I thought I had. In reality, it was never that. I had my sponsor from al anon go with me for my deposition and court. Reach out to anyone you can and don't be afraid to ask for help. PM me .

dandylion

dawnrising…..I am referring to "victim advocate" when I use the term "court advocate.....
They act as a form of support to you as you go through the court proceedings....they can attend hearings with you, and explain various court proceedings to you.
they are volunteers....and, you can get one by calling your local domestic violence organization and asking for one.
don't let the term "domestic violence" discourage you. There are various types of abuse....not just physical. You sound, to me like a victim of abuse. You sound intimidated and frightened of him...?

You can call the domestic violence hotline,,,and, they can help you locate your local organization...
……..Domestic Violence hotline.....1-800-799-7233...…

I think it would make a difference to have such a person by your side...
(they do not give legal advice...they are for your emotional support)….

***when you talk to the domestic violence worker...do NOT minimize his actions and your dread and fear of him and the impact that this is having on you....