clarity888

Yes, my AH went to a place today and chose to start intensive outpatient rehab. Half due to me, half due to him saying "I've been cutting my consumption and am halfway done, I may need support". When he said that, I called and found a place to help him. Was this interfering too much? I'll never know. What I do know is that the LCDC took his word for how bad his shakes are, then told him "well, outpatient detox can be arranged", and now an MD is prescribing meds by phone and telling me to monitor vitals every 2 hours for 3 days or whatever TF it will be. I cannot be a mom and prepare for a national board exam or deal with this situation. I want him to ask other people to help. Has anyone heard of this, where the spouse is "monitoring" per a doctor's orders? Heart rate, BP, temperature, tremor, etc? I feel like it's too much f-ing responsibility and am so pissed. Also, the AH--when he said "yes, I will do treatment here"--I cried because it was important. And he actually seriously asked "why were you crying?" Are you ******* kidding me? Like you have no f-ing clue? All I want is to get the F out of here for the weekend and get my head away from this.

suki44883

You don't have to. It is not your job. If he refuses to get a professional detox, that is on him. That may sound cruel, but it sounds like you already have your hands full with kids and preparing for your exam.

I'd just tell him to find someone else to monitor him because you just don't have the time.

dandylion

clarity....it is not unusual for in-home detox to be done...especially, under the supervision of a physician. This assumes, of course, that the physician has seen the patient and feels that it would be relatively safe, with supervision.
There can be several contributing circu mstances….for example...the perso n m a y not have insurance, and doesn't want to incur the expense. Other times, the patient refuses to go to inpatient, but, is still asking for help. \In some cases, there may be a paucity of hospital beds...so, they are used for the most critical patients. ect., ect…..

Of course, supervision is always required...and, therefore, suggested. As, all detoxing is, potentially dangerous, and someone needs to be available, in case things go south.
Most of the time...in my experience, the loved ones are so anxious for the person to enter recovery, that they are willing to do the supervision....if they are capable and able to do it.....


In your case, it sounds like you are just tired of the situation and harbor a l ot of anger and resentments for how things have gone....(understandable, by the way)…..
As I said I n my other post to you...perhaps, what is in order is a good, long separation, in order to get more clarity for you and him.....which includes him going to live in a sober house for several weeks to months after the initial rehab...…
Personally, I think that it is more merciful for everyone, this way.....And, it gives you the much needed time to get your own recovery program, for yourself, together... Everyone who has been living with a practicing alcoholic has been affected, in some ways....and, needs attention and healing, themselves.....

***I am unclear...is he at home, with you, right now?

fml23

I don’t have experience and haven’t heard of home detox. My STBXAH went to inpatient detox twice, residential rehab, and IOP. Echo the thought that you don’t have to monitor him. You have the right to say no, and it’s not on you if that deters him from treatment. If an MD is prescribing over the phone and expects a non medical person to monitor vitals every few hours that on their license, not you.

I can say that having been through the turmoil of detox and treatment a few times over the last 10 months, the treatments are: 1) focused on the addict and not you. Don’t let them put anything on you you are not comfortable with. I felt very guilt ridden and manipulated to provide ‘care’ for AH the first time around. It was a mistake and he blamed me for his failure at sobriety. 2) the field seems full of people with their own pathology. A few caregivers seemed They were acting out their own stuff.

Sorry you’re going through so much stress at the moment.

clarity888

Thank you Suki, Dandylion, fml23...it does make sense the focus is on the addict, but that if all the addict seems like they will "cooperate" with is at-home stuff, the clinicians will "go with it". I guess what surprised me was that a medical professional did not examine him to verify if he needed inpatient detox or outpatient detox; it was a counselor who looked at his hands as he downplayed how much he shakes. I had to speak up at that point although I was told not to "be in charge" of his little appointment. However, I was not going to let him basically do the same denial BS to them that he's done to me for years. She then said "well, we can refer you for outpatient detox, your hands are pretty shaky". Oh well--LOL that I'm angry over what I was advocating for him to get. Freaking rollercoaster.

I agree Dandylion--that a long break would help immensely. You are right that I am full of anger (more like rage). He has nothing at all to say, ever, he sits silently; meanwhile, I am being told that every single time I had a concern, he lied to me, and lied really, really well. Am still having trouble accepting it and want him to own this crap with his parents who live nearby so maybe they can be grownups and help me provide safe care for our son. Like the occasional break, not daily care. I am just in shock he would parent like that, drive like that, all under my nose, always saying "I had 2 beers" (sometimes 3).

Thank you for letting me vent here. It's a lonely place as the wife who fears what may be true, then detaches, then it actually is true...yadda yadda. People actually understanding is saving my sanity (hugs).

dandylion

clarity...where is he, right now? At a facility...or, at home with you?

Forward12

Home detoxes are fairly common, and the doc likely just wants you to keep an eye on him in case things go south and he needs to be rushed to the ER. Though you for sure shouldn't need to babysit him, also it's best to do an inpatient detox, then into inpatient rehab, from there onto an IOP.

clarity888

We are at home together; he is at Walgreen's getting 5 or 6 medications right now though. :-)

dandylion

clarity....well...it looks like you are "stuck" with him, for the moment...but, if things do go south...don't hesitate to call 911.
At this point...I think you have a right to ask for help from his parents.....after, all this does affect you and your son, very much! Don't expect him to step up to that plate....I don't think that will happen. You can't shield him from the natural consequences of his actions.
You have the right to take whatever actions that are in your and your son's best welfare. He won't/cant? take care of you right now.
The reality is...that you have to take care of yourself. And, you can't control him.
Everything that you say about him, just sounds, to me like the typical behavior of a practicing alcoholic. It is enough to wear you out and make you Krazy...lol.

In your case, with your mother/father's situation, and the boards, and all...I think you are suffering from an acute case of "caregiver" burnout.
Something has to give. You could become the one that is sick, next.
You need a break...and, you need more support...practically, and emotionally.
And, more social services support for your mother...

Keep posting...there is a way to get through this nightmare, in one piece....

*** Sorry about the counselor experience.......I am afraid, that sometimes, it seems like the loved ones get pushed aside.
Lol...as a PA..I used to treat very sick alcoholics...really sick ones. After I got them out of the woods...able to walk on their own...I would talk to the patient in my office, alone, then, talk to the wife/loved one, alone, in my office...then talk to both of them together. that way...I got to get the whole picture...and got the chance to get everyone on the same page...lol....

honeypig

I have no advice, just wanted to say that I understand this 100%. This was exactly my situation. Like you, I was extremely angry too.

Keep yourself and your child front and center. I agree that it's not fair for you to have to take on the responsibility for his at-home detox, and I hope you can avoid further unwanted entanglement in a process that is (or SHOULD be, IMO) all on him.

Lizajane

Clarity, I went through the ringer with my husband. When he hit bottom and begged for help to get sober...I was so relieved. He agreed to inpatient detox, we discussed in patient recovery and he was all in. I was so grateful. 24 hours later he had a reversal. He needed it all at home. Intensive outpatient recovery. I needed a break SOOOOO badly. Working mom with two kids, running around putting out fires all the time. I won't go into it all. But I understand the frustration. At home detox did not work for us. He could not keep to the rules I had set to get it done....like giving me his wallet, keys etc so he could not take off...telling me where all his stash was. There was no sleep for me guarding him. It went horrible. I am not saying this is going to happen to you, but I get it. I needed someone to take the kids and time off work if I was actually going to be able to help him the way he needed. At some point I needed some sleep. He wanted to be sober but when he got bad withdrawals he would insist on another drink (we were attempting to wean him off) and then fight me for more than I thought he should have. When I went to work, he would find some money and extra keys to get more. It was completely insane and eventually I told him to leave and not come back until he was sober. I said he needed to go detox in a hospital. He was in a motel one night and then sitting on our deck the next. I let him in because he was so drunk he was in danger. I found suicide websites on his laptop. He told me he wanted to die. I called the cops and they put him in the hospital for suicide ideation. This is when his detox and real outpatient recovery program began. I don't believe a spouse can do this with children and a job or school. TODAY he is sober 8 years and life is great BUT I needed to get his family involved as well. I got sober too. 2 years of sobriety for me before he joined me and stayed sober for good. He quit 3 times...first one lasted weeks, next one lasted months, and now years. So I gave you the ugly to start but it really ended beautiful. Hang in there. FIgure out what you can and can't do and draw the line. Until I drew that line and enforced it, our life was a downward spiral.

clarity888

Ugh you guys are awesome. Thanks for letting me vent. I sound like the biggest B, and yet you understand completely...LOL. I even got a laugh out of Krazy with a K...esp. since my name starts with a K (I've found a nickname for this crazed person I am today). Ha.

clarity888

OMG Lizajane, that is terrifying. You are amazing to have done that while working FT and with two kids. You have more patience than I, for sure. I just need to calm down and try to see the big picture, like you said, and dig deep. He is my son's father; I will help with no expectation of anything back but to help my son keep his dad around. It could become very serious, that's why his parents should know. I am so happy for you and your husband. Thank you for telling me your story. I needed to hear that.

trailmix

It's quite a big thing to ask for, however, very kind of you to provide.

Here is the thing though, please ask for help if you need it from outside sources.

You know, everyone has a breaking point, you have a lot on your plate right now.

As for being the biggest B, that never even crossed my mind when I was reading your post! Your reaction seems completely normal.

Seren

Hello clarity, and welcome!

You have gotten some great info here. I do get the burnout, tired of the lies, tired of the drama.

The only thing I can emphasize is please do not hesitate to dial 911 if things go south.

SmallButMighty

Clarity, I just wanted to lend my support along with the others.

I completely understand why you would feel overburdened having to provide even more of your vital energy to this guy. I know how unfair it feels, especially when he hasn't treated you with respect, yet he wants you to help clean up his messes, yet again. It sucks.

Please do ask for help from anyone you feel you can trust. It is absolutely exhausting dealing with the things you have and will be dealing with through this process. One of the most exhausting things of all is protecting the image of the alcoholic... please don't do that to yourself. This isn't just a "him" problem, it's a YOU problem too and if you want help and support while you get through it you are entitled to ask for it, regardless of how he feels about it.

Hang in there. Hugs.

Wamama48

I've been thinking about you. I think pretty much everyone on this board understands being furious with the A and at the end of your rope 10x over. Completely normal! Anyway, we are thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Come here to vent, it really helps.

clarity888

Gosh...thank you guys, again. It means the world. He went and talked to his parents today so that someone else knows what's going on. I was not there, but he said they basically felt that our son would be safe with him because he is "already this far into the detox process". I don't know what I think about that. I am sure they want to encourage him. I get that. His ankles, though, have swollen up like sausages today. His doctor is aware, and will see him Monday. They were swollen before, but with this detox thing it's unreal. I am terrified because I've read that's indicative of more long term liver damage.

honeypig

Hmm. There are a couple of things for you to bear in mind regarding this.

First off, as you say, you were not there. You have only his word as to what went on. Truthfully, you don't know what was said on either side of this alleged discussion--no idea how much he actually divulged to his parents, no idea what their response really was.

And if his drinking problem is something that his parents are already aware of (which is totally possible), even more than they want to "encourage him", they may want to make him and his detox not their problem. I've read quite a number of stories here where the A's parents/siblings are very invested in pretending there IS no problem so they don't have to deal with it, and also quite a number where the family is equally eager to pass the A and his/her problem along to the spouse/significant other so they don't have to deal with it.

As far as your child being OK w/him b/c he is "this far into detox"--if indeed his parents actually said this (and you don't know for sure if they did or not), it demonstrates a pretty complete lack of knowledge about alcoholism. No one with experience would ever tell you that detox = recovery, and certainly they would not tell you that a few days of detox will result in a healthy, responsible person who is competent to safely care for a child!

When I was new to all this, I also thought that simply removing the alcohol from AH's system would turn him into the person I believed (and wanted) him to be. I thought it was kind of like throwing my dirty shirt into the washer. Once through the wash cycle and the shirt is clean again, back to its old self, right?

Not right. Not with alcohol. Not at all. Recovery takes time and a lot of hard work. While it's absolutely necessary to start by removing the alcohol, that is all it is, the very bare bones of a start. Now comes the soul-searching, the accepting responsibility, the growing and maturing, the insight, the healing--and all that is not going to happen in a couple of days, all on the A's own. And I dare say that your AH isn't even within hollering distance of this yet.

Keep your skeptical glasses on. Keep the focus on you and your child. And do NOT make the mistake of assuming your A is "all better" simply b/c he hasn't had a drink (that you know of) in X number of hours.

Let me also say here that it boggles my mind how long it took me to finally understand that the lies were in EVERY SINGLE AREA OF OUR LIVES. I kept thinking "well, he lied to me about this, but he would never lie to me about that", and then guess what? Yes, he had lied to me about that. It was everywhere, simply every fricking where, clarity. I think you may find things to be similar for you as time passes, and I'm hoping that sharing this experience w/you will help you A) know that you are not alone in this, and B) help you grasp, accept and begin to deal with the reality of it sooner.

dandylion

clarity.....His parents are probably pretty ignorant of the true nature of alcoholism.....most people are, if they have not had a reason to educate th emselves about it....
After all, your husband is requiring others to help care for him, right now....so he is certainly in no shape to be caring for the child.....
and, in addition, he could reach for the bottle at any time.....

However, maybe his parents, the grandparents, could help to watch their grandchild....?