Obladi

Warrior Queens, I like it.

I guess maybe my brain is recharging. It's like I don't have a thought in my head aside from getting through every day. It's not an arduous thing at all, it's just like... being on a journey. Through Nebraska. I know I'm getting somewhere, but there are no landmarks to measure my progress.

I always knew there was no life for me to recover, bemoaned it actually. I think I have it in me somewhere to instead find some wonder in the life I can construct. The term "baby steps" always turned me off when I was younger. I'm now at the age of the woman who used to make me cringe with the expression and I'm finding that makes sense. For me. Right now.

Eldest recently posted that being a grown-up is hard but she has learned that she can figure things out. I still have to remind myself of this, but really I'm at the point where I can start imagining how things can be. And making them happen.

Who says I can't retire to a tiny house on the water? All I need is a friend with the right back yard.

Physically: Headache is gone!
Mentally: Steady
Spiritually: Neutral

Day 38
(I keep having to double-check myself now. 38? yep, 38)

fini

i found/find a realistic imagining of how things can be to be a really useful exercise. soooo different from the unrealistic fantasizing when drinking.

38...awesome!

dwtbd

Keep it up ,sis, and pretty soon you'll be like " hm. . wuldya look at that... I'm a teetotaler, go figure"

Stayingsassy

Haha! Yep, Nebraska it is. I'm sure we can find a good coffee shop around here somewhere in all these dusty plains.

I've been trying to make my way to Colorado or heck, even Wyoming, but this brown landscape abounds.

Just keep driving.

Dropsie

Put the convertible top down and enjoy the wide open spaces.

Obladi

Thelma.
I need a Louise.
No guns please.

Day 39

Obladi

The beast is squirrelly today. It's telling AV to suggest perhaps just doing an experiment - "Let's just try 1/2 pint and see how it goes. If you don't get sick after an hour, we can get more."

Stupid beast. Who cares that today is Friday? It's the same now as it was when it was yesterday. And I don't drink now.

Will reconcile myself to the edgy feeling if that's how it's going to be right now. I'm not drinking today. And that's all there is to it.

trachemys

Bedamned squirrely beast! (boy, that freaked the spellchecker)

Real feelings are the goal.

Stayingsassy

Doing ok still O?

It's lying. Don't get sucked back into its trap.

SnazzyDresser

Hold the cliffs too!

Obladi

I'm ok Sass.
No cliff jumping here.

Day 40

Stayingsassy

Although...is Brad Pitt involved in this scenario? Because in that case I'm down, call me Louise.

I hear he had to get sober so we are totes sympatico.

Obladi

Louise, I think part of the moral of the story is to stay away from the sociopaths?

Obladi

It's been raining for two days. I just went down to crow over the fact that the basement is dry and... there's more water in now than there was when it was leaking before. I'd be lying if my thought sitting here now isn't to go get some vodka to get me through the cleaning up. Stupid beast - I don't drink now.

So I called and left a message with the very nice basement repair woman who said "call anytime with any problems at all" and anticipate that I'll hear back sometime tomorrow. 64% chance of rain today. To clean up today or tomorrow, that's the question. Maybe I should leave it so they can CSI where the water is coming from?

*Deep breath*

It could be worse. I could have a kid still living down there. There could be inches of water instead of a pool. I could be drunk. I could not have a home at all. The roof isn't leaking. I have a good income that allows me to pay for basement repairs.

*Another deep breath*

I wish I hadn't already reassembled. Now I have rugs to shopvac and hang - again.

Ok so anyhow, I'm sober. Spent the majority of Saturday coloring and watching documentaries. Since it was raining that seemed completely acceptable. My friend texted me that I must see the Mr Rogers movie, so maybe I'll do that today.

The daily readings from AA all this week have been about acceptance, being strong together, diversity. Not saying the universe is all about me (though we know it is, really ), but this is exactly what I would need to hear should I want to go back to meetings again. When I was drinking, I definitely felt like AA was the last place I was welcome - at least welcome as a whole person. That could all be on me, but people being people, I don't think so. Perhaps I can take a lesson from that; people are who they are and there's not a thing I can do about that aside from accept that as it is.

Anyhow, I don't drink now.

Physically: Feeling pretty well, although I really ought to get out of my schleppy clothes.
Mentally: Disappointed in the basement, but steady
Spiritually: Blessed

Day 41

Dropsie

Bummer about the basement.

I would leave it until they come.

This too will pass.

xx

trachemys

Ob, I'm in awe of your strength and resolve. Rock on.

Stayingsassy

"I don't drink now."

YES!

that's the spirit right there. I repeat this every morning. I know it now but it's still there in my head. Our words we say to ourselves about what we believe about ourselves matters a whole lot.

Tynesider22

Those 4 powerful words. "I don't drink now".

In the past month, I've went from worrying about how I'm going to afford my next drink to keep me from feeling ill, to thinking "I'll chuck the kettle on and have a cuppa".

I enjoy getting up early. UK Channel Four show a King of Queens double bill, an Everyone Loves Raymond triple bill and a Frasier double bill from 6.45 every weekday morning and I love having a cup of tea or two and watching them. Much better than knocking back half a bottle of vodka before 8am.

One more day folks, let's keep going!

Obladi

Hey Tyne, you're sounding well. How's the program going?

It POURED last night, so I was able to figure out that the water is coming from the windowsill. Think I'd best get the outside drains. And get the gutters cleaned. And build up the flower bed. Yeah, sigh.

Physically: clean! I just showered
Mentally: resistant to dealing with that basement
Spiritually: grateful for all I have

Day 42

Tynesider22

It's temporarily on hiatus due to illness. I haven't quit, I've just picked up some sort of virus and they are allowing me to recover and return when I feel up to it.

I'm working with the local doctors so hopefully that'll be sooner, rather than later.

I'm not as mentally strong as I thought I was. I had to pop out earlier (I live on my own, ill or not, there is no one else to do things for me). Some, pardon my language, but some ******** started giving me grief about my weight. I am a larger lad, it's not something I can hide or indeed keep a secret. Usually, I can just shrug it off, but for some reason, today, it really hurt. I can very close to just hitting the off licence and buying a bottle of booze.

I managed to talk myself round, have a lie down for an hour, then put some music on. I feel better now, but, I did come close. That would have been 22 days down the drain. Literally.

Next time I talk to someone about my drinking, I will mention this. But a relapse can so easily happen. We need to stay strong, all of us.