MerryBee1

I just want to reach out to other people with bipolar disorder. I'm lost on a vicious cycle and can't seem to find my rock bottom. I lost my job yesterday due to an incident caused by my drinking. I was using during work and fainted. I had to be taken away in an ambulance and was handcuffed because I refused to go. This is the second time this month I was taken to the ER.

I feel like such a loser. I'm on this vicious cycle of drinking, and then feeling so horrible about myself for my inability to stop. I have been black out drunk for half of my existence for the last 5 years. I had such ambitious plans for my life. I can do professional level art work, I do nothing about seriously pursuing this goal for the last 20 years. I wanted to live overseas and get a masters degree. Instead I have been asleep for years, and my life has passed me by.

I have gained 60 pounds (I'm a female), from all the additional alcohol calories and my basic self esteem about my physical appearance is destroyed. I don't take care of myself, so my bipolar disorder is constantly out of control. I lost my insurance now, because I've been fired and don't know what I'll do about meds. I'll have to look for a job while I'm all wacked out.

I have one friend and have totally given up on finding anyone who will love me. I have ditched all of my family so I can drink in peace. I have no one and sit alone in my apt all day drinking and watching T.V. When people see my face, they can see something is strange about me, and reject me.

Thanks if you read this whole thing, I'm just really sad and needed to vent.

JJanew2017

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Has your bi-polar ever been under control with treatment?

MindfulMan

Despite the reason, you should have access to COBRA for insurance after termination from a job. It might be quite expensive, but you might be able to have it long enough to pay for treatment.

Being fired for being ill may very well put your company in a bad position legally due to the ADA. To some extent this is a state-by-state issue, but there are federal laws in place as well.

Wamama48

If you get your Bipolar under control FIRST, you will be able to start tackling the other issues. You need a base to launch off from, everything is spinning and out of control when Bipolar is raging. I have Bipolar. Every state/county has free clinics and mental health services. When you are ready for help, start calling around to find them. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Distorted Me

Not sure if you're still paying attention MerryBee but this is exactly right. I'm bipolar also. I've learned a ton about our condition since I was diagnosed last fall. You CANNOT get better until you remove alcohol from the equation.

Bipolar people have lots of trouble controlling our emotions because our nervous system is out of whack. Our neurotransmitters don't function the same as ordinary people's do. Alcohol reeks HAVOC on the human nervous system, even healthy non-bipolar humans. It throws everything off. For bipolar people, those negative affects are magnified 100 times. There is absolutely no way you can ever get a handle on your bipolar disorder if you're pouring alcohol onto that fire constantly. It's impossible.

Being bipolar is like trying to drive a car down the road but you can't seem to keep it from careening back and forth between the curbs, smacking them each time you hit them (not being able to control your emotions). You're trying to steer a normal car but the problem is your car is not normal. Until you get the proper medication you don't have a chance of driving your car right.

Because of what it does to our nervous systems, drinking alcohol or doing any drugs for bipolar people is like pouring oil all over that same street. You can try and take medication, but it's not going to work because alcohol is still screwing everything up. Even if the meds helped fix the steering in your car, the alcohol (oil on the road) is making steering straight impossible.

I hope that makes sense a bit. I did a lot of research on bipolar disorder but avoided researching how alcohol affects the nervous system until very recently. I was stunned with what I learned. It's a huge factor in what made me finally decide to get sober, 100%, for good.

Once you remove alcohol from your equation (system/ life) it's not going to be sunshine and roses all of a sudden, don't expect that. You'll then have to learn how your moods swing up and down and how to get a handle on that. Without medication, you may not be able to control your emotions that much but that's actually expected. This is probably the hardest part for bipolar people, understanding we're not in control sometimes but we still need to identify what's going on and keep learning about ourselves.
The meds will definitely help but you may have to play around to find the right combination. Don't sell yourself short! Get sober and get help with your bipolar disorder. Please!