I have a question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: il
Posts: 239
I have a question
Ok i've been a member on this forum since 2014 I have read it for 3 years and read alot of success stories i've posted here and there then I slip up and won't post for 6 months to a year.Well I said this last go around that i'm here to stay and I would keep posting well here I am believe me I don't want to post ,but I am I slipped up or fell down yesterday just like I did a few days a go. One thing I was wondering about and trying to stop is when i'm going along with my sober day all of a sudden I think i'm going to have a beer and it's like my mind is already made up.I knew I should post or call someone wife etc. I don't it's like a done deal this is something that I have just figured out these past 2 slip ups so am I weak? Because I do want to get off this horrible ride. I have just joined smart recovery but I like this one and it doesn't matter what forum or program you're in if you don't use it. Ya it's hard to believe I just realized this after all these years . I have time to post or call but I don't and I know better. I've been very successful i've been able to set goals and achieve them ,but this one i'm not so good with. So after this long rant my question is why didn't I post or call ?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi bllit,
It took me many, many attempts before actually being able to stick to recovery.
The game changer for me was a recovery plan, written in paper, to read regularly. This made me accountable to myself, and there s no way to cheat that.
You can do this, I promise it that after the initial hard few weeks or months it gets a lot easier as you go along.
P
It took me many, many attempts before actually being able to stick to recovery.
The game changer for me was a recovery plan, written in paper, to read regularly. This made me accountable to myself, and there s no way to cheat that.
You can do this, I promise it that after the initial hard few weeks or months it gets a lot easier as you go along.
P
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I would say that at that point to is important to remember that just because a thought crosses our minds, it doesnt mean that it will happen, or has to happen.
Calling someone doesn't have to be a call saying "I want to drink, please talk me down from it." Although it wouldn't matter if you did. It might be that you just make contact with others and help someone else who is in danger of drinking - that in itself might help you think through your decision past the initial drink.
If you can get to the stage where you 'play the tape forard' when you have those thoughts. Past the drink, to the day after... the hangover, recriminations, shame, maybe not being able to ever get back out of that crazy vortex, and how hard it is to get sober again.... well, that can only help.
What else do you use to maintain and grown in your recovery aside from this site? Ie. what does your recovery plan look like on a daily basis. Prevention is better than cure!
BB
Calling someone doesn't have to be a call saying "I want to drink, please talk me down from it." Although it wouldn't matter if you did. It might be that you just make contact with others and help someone else who is in danger of drinking - that in itself might help you think through your decision past the initial drink.
If you can get to the stage where you 'play the tape forard' when you have those thoughts. Past the drink, to the day after... the hangover, recriminations, shame, maybe not being able to ever get back out of that crazy vortex, and how hard it is to get sober again.... well, that can only help.
What else do you use to maintain and grown in your recovery aside from this site? Ie. what does your recovery plan look like on a daily basis. Prevention is better than cure!
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: il
Posts: 239
MrPL thanks thats a great suggestion I'm going to quit I have really been watching my actions to see what is taking place these last 2 relapses I noticed what I stated above. I really never noticed it before but i've really been trying to pinpoint why it becomes a matter of fact even though I know and knew better i'm still not giving up even one day sober is better than a drunk day or afternoon. I will be sober today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: il
Posts: 239
Well BB I need to eat regular and I try to keep busy boredom kills me. I read here alot I have since 2014 I just wouldn't post because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my self like I posted earlier i'm here to stay not hide anymore.
Say cheese!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,379
i hear u hun i have been here since 2005 and still do the same x your not alone and good luck today on being sober just keep it in the day and keep trying xx
sry for not having any wisdom words but i do hear u xx
sry for not having any wisdom words but i do hear u xx
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by bllit 
i'm going along with my sober day all of a sudden I think i'm going to have a beer and it's like my mind is already made up.I knew I should post or call someone wife etc. I don't it's like a done deal this is something that I have just figured out these past 2 slip ups so am I weak? Because I do want to get off this horrible ride.So after this long rant my question is why didn't I post or call ?
The more different things I had to fight that desire to drink, the better chance I had.
Decisions made can be unmade too.
If you're stockpiling a armoury of things to do other than drinking and you're not using those things - I dunno:
maybe you fear change a little?
My drinking life was awful but I was still scared to leave it.
I didn't know who sober me was or what my sober life would be like.
The good news here at SR is you have hundreds of examples of what sober life is like.
maybe deep down you think there's no real harm in another bender.
I've known friends who've thought that and who badly underestimated their capacity to endure another bout of drinking & aren't here to talk about it anymore,
or maybe - and I think this is a big one - maybe you don't always feel you're worth all this effort?
I was very down on myself after 20 years of drinking - I thought I was a waste of space, a loser and a pathetic weakling.
It's hard to fight that - but you have to - you have to act as if you;re worth the effort - because very soon you'll see that you are worth the effort - it's not really an act at all.
That's what I think you might have to connect with when the phone seems too heavy or logging on here seems like a monumental effort - you're worth that effort.
Like I often say - if you really don't want to drink anymore, you don't have to
Make choices that reflect your desire to be sober bllit
D
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Bilt,
I was on and off her my first few years as well, and would often post the day after about messing up, or after another one of my moderation kicks didn't work. Looking back, the reason I didn't post before drinking was because I didn't want someone to talk me out of it, I had set it in my mind that I was going to drink, and knew if I had posted I wouldn't hear what I wanted to in that moment.
I am getting close to 20 months sober, and what has changed is I've taken drinking completely off the table as an option, I have a plan in place, a big piece of which is posting on here daily. I know I can't moderate, God knows I have the data to prove that. Life is so much better without alcohol.
You can do this, you just have to really want to, not just part of you, all of you has to want it, that is the level of commitment you'll need.
I was on and off her my first few years as well, and would often post the day after about messing up, or after another one of my moderation kicks didn't work. Looking back, the reason I didn't post before drinking was because I didn't want someone to talk me out of it, I had set it in my mind that I was going to drink, and knew if I had posted I wouldn't hear what I wanted to in that moment.
I am getting close to 20 months sober, and what has changed is I've taken drinking completely off the table as an option, I have a plan in place, a big piece of which is posting on here daily. I know I can't moderate, God knows I have the data to prove that. Life is so much better without alcohol.
You can do this, you just have to really want to, not just part of you, all of you has to want it, that is the level of commitment you'll need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: il
Posts: 239
Dee and Delilah thanks Dee i've been reading what you posted since I got here you have helped so many and I thank you for taking the time to try and help me .Delilah what you just posted hit home what was your turning point.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yes. Actions. "Doing the do" as Aunty Trishia calls it.
Did you read the thread on making a recovery plan? How about trying some meetings?
When I first came to this site I thought all the 'stuff' was for other people. 'Proper' alcoholics, not the 'low-level-alcoholics' like me. Thing is, no matter where our bottom line was or is, alcoholic thinking is still alcoholic thinking, and without working on changing that thinking and keeping it re-focussed our sobriety is going to be difficult to sustain. At some point our AV (addictive voice) will sneak in, pipe up, and we WILL believe the little b.gger. Becausethe nature of alcohol (to the alcoholic) is that it IS (and will remain to be)cunning and baffling. We can eat and exercise as regularly as we like, but that is not going to change our alcoholic thinking. We can make as many promises to others and ourselves as we like, and MEAN it. We can go back to school. We can relocate. Leave or reconcile with our spouse. Change our image. Join a ministry. ALL healthy and all potentially positive OUTCOMES of sobriety. But they are the outcomes. Not the work that is Recovery. The thing that makes sobriety (which allows us to enjoy all those other things) comfortable or sustainable.
I did not want to go to meetings - but in the end I did it. Then I did not WANT to get a sponsor and do the recovery work (like, REALLY did not want to do it). But in the end I was desperate enough for long term sobriety and desperate enough to change myself to stop ignoring the suggestions that sane people with long term sobriety made, and just do it. Monkey see, monkey do. And if it didn't work, I promised mysel, I could always just kill myself further along the line. But, suprise surprise, it worked for me - when I did the work - just like those other people said it had for them.
How about rereading the threads about making a plan and choose something that has worked for others and just do it and see what happens. Give it a few months of doing it though because nothing changes overnight.
BB
Did you read the thread on making a recovery plan? How about trying some meetings?
When I first came to this site I thought all the 'stuff' was for other people. 'Proper' alcoholics, not the 'low-level-alcoholics' like me. Thing is, no matter where our bottom line was or is, alcoholic thinking is still alcoholic thinking, and without working on changing that thinking and keeping it re-focussed our sobriety is going to be difficult to sustain. At some point our AV (addictive voice) will sneak in, pipe up, and we WILL believe the little b.gger. Becausethe nature of alcohol (to the alcoholic) is that it IS (and will remain to be)cunning and baffling. We can eat and exercise as regularly as we like, but that is not going to change our alcoholic thinking. We can make as many promises to others and ourselves as we like, and MEAN it. We can go back to school. We can relocate. Leave or reconcile with our spouse. Change our image. Join a ministry. ALL healthy and all potentially positive OUTCOMES of sobriety. But they are the outcomes. Not the work that is Recovery. The thing that makes sobriety (which allows us to enjoy all those other things) comfortable or sustainable.
I did not want to go to meetings - but in the end I did it. Then I did not WANT to get a sponsor and do the recovery work (like, REALLY did not want to do it). But in the end I was desperate enough for long term sobriety and desperate enough to change myself to stop ignoring the suggestions that sane people with long term sobriety made, and just do it. Monkey see, monkey do. And if it didn't work, I promised mysel, I could always just kill myself further along the line. But, suprise surprise, it worked for me - when I did the work - just like those other people said it had for them.
How about rereading the threads about making a plan and choose something that has worked for others and just do it and see what happens. Give it a few months of doing it though because nothing changes overnight.
BB
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
This is the one Dee sent you yesterday explaining why we need a plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
And this is the one I usually send to people. The links are really good and give some great ideas for making your plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Me being lazy, I went the AA route because the 12-step plan of recovery is already there, has been worked by many and has kept people I have come to love and respect deeply sober for decades, and those people who have come to be so important and special to me have guided me through the process. Okay, often their love comes out kind of gruff and pointy, but suspect that's because they know that's what I need and won't listen too well if they sugar coat it for me. My sponsor is often gentler with her other sponsees. But she also tells me when she sees I'm doing good, and changing. Which is important, because sometimes that change is so gradual that we don't notice it (like our own child growing steadily over the months, or a tide edging in or out).
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety, and you recovery. BB
And this is the one I usually send to people. The links are really good and give some great ideas for making your plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Me being lazy, I went the AA route because the 12-step plan of recovery is already there, has been worked by many and has kept people I have come to love and respect deeply sober for decades, and those people who have come to be so important and special to me have guided me through the process. Okay, often their love comes out kind of gruff and pointy, but suspect that's because they know that's what I need and won't listen too well if they sugar coat it for me. My sponsor is often gentler with her other sponsees. But she also tells me when she sees I'm doing good, and changing. Which is important, because sometimes that change is so gradual that we don't notice it (like our own child growing steadily over the months, or a tide edging in or out).
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety, and you recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Did you really want to stay sober in 2014?
Maybe you weren't ready (desperate enough) in 2014, and needed to try some of the softer, easier ways first. I know plenty of people who didnt get on with it and thought they could do it their way and spent a few more years alternately abstaining then relapsing for one reason or another. I think it does need a certain level of desperation to find the inner willingness to open ourselves to such a thing, whether AA or SMART or any of the recovery programs. Moving out of problem-focussed thinking into solution-focussed thinking can feel like a defeat. Thing is, for me, I needed to lose that battle to win peace.
I can only tell you my own experiences which was that once I'd got desperate enough to commit myself to giving it an honest and thorough try I found that GOING to AA is not the same as working the 12-step program of recovery - that 12-step work all happens privately outside of meetings in our own time and our own space, some of it with a sponsor guiding us, but a lot of it on our own. The meetings are kind of a chance to compare notes of how the recipe's turning out and get tips on how to make our sobriety taste better. Just going to meetings without engaging in the recovery work is like trying to learn to cook without going near any food. (Doing the do!) Or going to the gym to watch other people exercise.
Anyway - what I'm saying is that, whatever recovery method you decide to try, it will need a thorough effort. In AA we say, 'it works it we work it' . That used to bug the hell out of me (when I wasn't working it and it consequently didn't work very well). Thing is, we can apply that simple phrase to pretty much any route for recovery. If you think you might forget I can send Auntie Trish over to remind you to 'do the do'. She gets on my nerves keep reminding me. Lol
Maybe you weren't ready (desperate enough) in 2014, and needed to try some of the softer, easier ways first. I know plenty of people who didnt get on with it and thought they could do it their way and spent a few more years alternately abstaining then relapsing for one reason or another. I think it does need a certain level of desperation to find the inner willingness to open ourselves to such a thing, whether AA or SMART or any of the recovery programs. Moving out of problem-focussed thinking into solution-focussed thinking can feel like a defeat. Thing is, for me, I needed to lose that battle to win peace.
I can only tell you my own experiences which was that once I'd got desperate enough to commit myself to giving it an honest and thorough try I found that GOING to AA is not the same as working the 12-step program of recovery - that 12-step work all happens privately outside of meetings in our own time and our own space, some of it with a sponsor guiding us, but a lot of it on our own. The meetings are kind of a chance to compare notes of how the recipe's turning out and get tips on how to make our sobriety taste better. Just going to meetings without engaging in the recovery work is like trying to learn to cook without going near any food. (Doing the do!) Or going to the gym to watch other people exercise.
Anyway - what I'm saying is that, whatever recovery method you decide to try, it will need a thorough effort. In AA we say, 'it works it we work it' . That used to bug the hell out of me (when I wasn't working it and it consequently didn't work very well). Thing is, we can apply that simple phrase to pretty much any route for recovery. If you think you might forget I can send Auntie Trish over to remind you to 'do the do'. She gets on my nerves keep reminding me. Lol
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Adding to what BB posted, I followed a slightly different approach.
I found that trying to stop drinking on its own was hard, so instead I wrote down who I wanted to be in 5-10 years, split by areas (family, work, health, everything!).
Then I wrote down where I was in each of these areas, and the (many) steps to get there. My rule is simple now. Every single day I got to make progress in at least one area. If I drink this is impossible, so sobriety is like an overarching necessity over the whole thing.
Hope this makes sense, I don't know, I find it easier to try and achieve something than to try and stop something. I am one year down the line and it feels awesome.
All the best.
P
I found that trying to stop drinking on its own was hard, so instead I wrote down who I wanted to be in 5-10 years, split by areas (family, work, health, everything!).
Then I wrote down where I was in each of these areas, and the (many) steps to get there. My rule is simple now. Every single day I got to make progress in at least one area. If I drink this is impossible, so sobriety is like an overarching necessity over the whole thing.
Hope this makes sense, I don't know, I find it easier to try and achieve something than to try and stop something. I am one year down the line and it feels awesome.
All the best.
P
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