Sasha1972

I think Westexy has some really useful thoughts. Everything she says is consistent with my own experience. And Lexie's strategy (start by negotiating "high", for everything you want, do some thought about your fallback position, know what your nonnegotiables are) is exactly what I am trying to do and what my lawyer advised. The part about "renegotiate in a year", with conditions (if a year goes by with no missed tests, no more drunk driving incidents, no more whatever, then you'll come back to the table to renegotiate a parenting plan going forward) is also consistent with what I am trying to set up.

I'm glad to hear you are logging everything. You're on the right path!

peaceofpi

The legal system fails kids by mandating coparenting in these situations, absent overwhelming evidence of abuse and neglect by the alcoholic parent. This keeps protective parents in the "monitoring" role - through Soberlink or other method - and the kids' lives in chaos because a resentful Soberlink-monitored alcoholic can be alternatively grumpy, depressed, raging, blaming, and abusive to kids and protective parent.
My binge-drinking ex sounds a lot like yours. Been through CPS reports when he multiple times left young child strapped in hot car (while going into a liquor store!). A mom saw him drunk at school during pick up time - twice. And neither of these facts swayed a judge enough to order supervised visits. I did get Soberlink ordered, but it took a year and five hearings and tens of thousands of dollars and multiple failures of Soberlink before a judge would order supervised visits.

So get as much protection as you can for those sweet children. No matter what protections you request, you may get the same angry, bitter, scorched-earth response, because you are asking for a boundary that can be legally enforced, and nothing A likes less than a boundary.

DM me if you'd like to see the order i finally got with Soberlink monitoring. (Urine testing is too easy to evade IMO and not useful.)

Good luck.

LexieCat

pi, I know you got a terrible response from the legal system, but that isn't the case everywhere. No need to assume the worst (though wise to prepare for the possibility). Your experience is NOT universal by any means.

hopeful4

I agree Lexie, which is why I say it really depends on the judge. One judge will rule one thing while another does something completely different. Not fair, but definitely reality.

manicpanic156

Batchel - start screenshotting every text related to his drinking/addiction. Be nice as you can be and express concern for it...Loving, caring, concern via text. Let him know you know about his "passing out" while he had the kiddos and that you are so concerned about his health and that the concern about kids is secondary to worry over him. Try to get him to admit it via text. Try to get him to admit as much as possible via text and screenshot it.

That is what I did and in my case once the Ex realized all that I had he caved in court. Of course I framed as it 100% concern for the kids, that I HAD to do what I needed to because while he was fighting this awful disease addiction I had to be stable and protect the kids. I said it tearfully/regretfully to maintain our friendship. It worked.

I understand your predicament all too well. Being a total bitch and going for the jugular without sufficient ammo can completely backfire as it pits you vs. him. Let him know you are still on HIS side. And get that intel in the meantime. I even got a recording of mine being a complete horrifying abusive jerk to me in front of the kids, within earshot of htem. YOu can hear them playing in the background.

manicpanic156

Btw DON"T record unless its legal in your state..It could be illegal...