Just one of those days
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Just one of those days
After all the drama of rehab and finding out what he was up to the four months after the break up, I finally threw in the towel and told the rehab folks that I want nothing to do with him. I got a call from them yesterday asking me to talk to our company HR about his leave. Apparently, he wants to stay there for three months and finish the program. Obviously, I told them I can't help but they pleaded with me. So I spoke to the HR.
They also told me that he now knows that I read his messages and when asked how he felt, he told them that he expected this and he figured I'd be mad but right now, all he wants to do is focus on his program.
I've been taking care of myself and my dogs and going on with my days as best as I can but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. Is he looking to do the program and wants to come back to me like he said before going? Of course, I can't even think about that given the fact that he has been talking to so many girls and whatnot. Just one of those days when the mind wanders, I guess.
They also told me that he now knows that I read his messages and when asked how he felt, he told them that he expected this and he figured I'd be mad but right now, all he wants to do is focus on his program.
I've been taking care of myself and my dogs and going on with my days as best as I can but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. Is he looking to do the program and wants to come back to me like he said before going? Of course, I can't even think about that given the fact that he has been talking to so many girls and whatnot. Just one of those days when the mind wanders, I guess.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
See, if you had been firm with the rehab, you wouldn't be in this position of "wondering/wandering" mind.
They had no business pleading with you. They could have called HR and pleaded with them, themselves.
It is OVER. Right?
They had no business pleading with you. They could have called HR and pleaded with them, themselves.
It is OVER. Right?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia....remember this---the rehab program...even a three months one,,,,is just to point him in the "right direction"....a good step, but only a starting point....One still has to work their recovery program when they get out...for the rest of their lives. The first 1-2-3 years is still considered early recovery period....a person is still very vulnerable, during that time....
You could become an old person, waiting for him.....
Better to spend that time working on yourself and creating a better future for yourself.....
You could become an old person, waiting for him.....
Better to spend that time working on yourself and creating a better future for yourself.....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Why is the rehab calling you to ask you to be a go-between for his work? Were you listed as his emergency contact or something? If so, can you call and ask to have your name removed from whatever list it's on? You don't want to be in the position of fixing things or helping him manage his life, because that could just go on forever.
Three months is good - that gives you more time on your own to get clear about what you want.
Three months is good - that gives you more time on your own to get clear about what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Is he looking to do the program and wants to come back to me like he said before going?
I’m going to be really blunt here, you’ve not done a whole lot for your own recovery, you are still obsessing, you are still involving yourself in his life whenever possible. You have not followed up with the Stockholm Syndrome that your therapist suggested, so basically you’ve done very little to help yourself out of this toxic thinking and toxic relationship.
So the reality is……….why would someone like your ex dedicate time, effort and energy into making needed changes in his life………..come back to someone who remains the same and enabled his behaviors. I’m pretty sure his counselors and support group would advise him not to go backwards.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It's very, very possible that what he's thinking at this stage is that he'll do the three months and then be much more careful drinking after he gets out, because he knows he can "handle it."
He can't.
Practice re-diverting your thoughts when you start thinking this way, yes? Its like meditating. You get better with practice.
He can't.
Practice re-diverting your thoughts when you start thinking this way, yes? Its like meditating. You get better with practice.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
Obviously, I told them I can't help but they pleaded with me. So I spoke to the HR.
They also told me that he now knows that I read his messages and when asked how he felt, he told them that he expected this and he figured I'd be mad...
They also told me that he now knows that I read his messages and when asked how he felt, he told them that he expected this and he figured I'd be mad...
And this:
Originally Posted by atalose
...you’ve not done a whole lot for your own recovery, you are still obsessing, you are still involving yourself in his life whenever possible. You have not followed up with the Stockholm Syndrome that your therapist suggested, so basically you’ve done very little to help yourself out of this toxic thinking and toxic relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i absolutely concur with FallenAngelina.....there is no reason for the rehab to call you to call the HR dept. NONE whatsoever. there is also no reason for them to relay other personal information about how he is doing, or his reaction to you reading thru his phone. it makes no sense, and does not add up.
however, YOU still remain engaged in HIS stuff. you could have simply NOT taken the phone. NOT allowed them to "beg" you. Given them the phone number and hung up.
but you chose the Stay Involved in HIS Life option.
but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. Is he looking to do the program and wants to come back to me like he said before going? Of course, I can't even think about that given the fact that he has been talking to so many girls and whatnot.
but you are thinking about it. you do still think/wish/hope that he will come HOME, return to you, all fixed up and you two can resume. IN SPITE of what you know, in spite of what you know he has said to others, and his involvement with other women. you think you're the only one he left hanging???
however, YOU still remain engaged in HIS stuff. you could have simply NOT taken the phone. NOT allowed them to "beg" you. Given them the phone number and hung up.
but you chose the Stay Involved in HIS Life option.
but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. Is he looking to do the program and wants to come back to me like he said before going? Of course, I can't even think about that given the fact that he has been talking to so many girls and whatnot.
but you are thinking about it. you do still think/wish/hope that he will come HOME, return to you, all fixed up and you two can resume. IN SPITE of what you know, in spite of what you know he has said to others, and his involvement with other women. you think you're the only one he left hanging???
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m guessing that when YOU signed all the paperwork admitting him into rehab and was put in charge of paying HIS bill each month that he/you also signed paperwork making it ok for them to contact you with billing issues and maybe even his progress. But how on earth would HIS rehab even know that you snooped through his phone and found all of those messages from other woman?
Ituvia, we can’t play on the train tracks and not expect to get hit by the train, especially when everyone is yelling at us to get off of them but we chose to stay on them. And then when we do get hit and hurt and emotionally battered around we may feel embarrassed and afraid to say we messed up again and need some support again. Its ok if you got overly involved with him and his rehab/counseling etc in hopes that the relationship with him you longed for would come about, life gives us lessons and will continue to give us those lessons until we finally learn them.
Ituvia, we can’t play on the train tracks and not expect to get hit by the train, especially when everyone is yelling at us to get off of them but we chose to stay on them. And then when we do get hit and hurt and emotionally battered around we may feel embarrassed and afraid to say we messed up again and need some support again. Its ok if you got overly involved with him and his rehab/counseling etc in hopes that the relationship with him you longed for would come about, life gives us lessons and will continue to give us those lessons until we finally learn them.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It really makes me wonder about this rehab. There are plenty out there that are just about the most direct route to the money...any money. They're violating so many basic rules about boundaries and privacy.
Have you removed yourself from any involvement with them? You are not married to him. Please tell me you read the paperwork and didn't sign anything obligating yourself for payment?
Makes me wonder what he's telling them, too...
Have you removed yourself from any involvement with them? You are not married to him. Please tell me you read the paperwork and didn't sign anything obligating yourself for payment?
Makes me wonder what he's telling them, too...
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