Codependent newbie with HF alcoholic husband deep in denial

Old 07-10-2017, 01:29 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I would second what atalose said--I know that I certainly thought that there was some switch in XAH's brain that snapped back to "normal" once the alcohol was out of his system. I saw it as some sort of Jekyll and Hyde thing, but that is not the case. The alcoholism, and all the attitudes, thought patterns, deceit, and so on that goes with it, doesn't instantly and completely vanish just b/c he hasn't had a drink in the last 12 hours. That's why recovery is a long process involving a lot of hard work, not something that just happens after a few days w/o alcohol.

I imagine you're putting a lot of weight and expectations on this "big talk." I know I always did. And all I ever got was denial, false promises, and talk that made no sense at all. He claimed to not understand why I'd be hurt by his lying. He claimed to not see why I cared if he was drunk every night, saying "I'm still the same person", claiming he acted and thought the same way, drunk or sober. (Sadly, there turned out to be more truth in that statement than I would have ever believed...)

I understand your need to do this, b/c I was there so many times myself and had the same hopes. Just try to bear in mind what folks have said in this thread, OK?
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Old 07-10-2017, 04:00 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Loneshewolf13 View Post
This past weekend was terrible. AH went out with a drinking buddy Friday evening and came home a few hours later, already drunk. He proceeded to drink all of his beer in the fridge and was visibly drunk, slurring words, and stumbling around. This is a progression from the past when he could drink 12-15 beers and not appear drunk. I had went in another room most of the evening while he was on the phone with friends and family and when I came downstairs around 10:30 he was in an emotional state. Very upset about some things going on at work and with the health of a friend's family member. Normally I'd blow it off and get out of there but I felt compelled to show him compassion and listen. He ended up telling me things that he would never tell me sober about his thoughts and feelings about himself and our relationship – what I mean to him. He actually came up to bed with me around 11 but before he passed out he said "I can't do this" and when I asked "do what" he said, "you know". Flash back, he has an anxiety disorder and in the past has threatened suicide so that comment definitely perked my ears and made me lay there stricken with anxiety and fear for the next hour or two.

The next morning I was still very uneasy and decided to say something to him about his drunken behavior and statement the night before. This was big for me because as I said before, I’m very non-confrontational but something inside me felt numb and I just needed to get my feelings out. I told him I thought he drank entirely too much the night before and that he went to a place where his demons came out because of it. He claimed he was “fine” and that all the work stress and other things just got to him and he drank "a little too much". I told him I'm very concerned and worried about him. He was apologetic and reiterated how much he loves me, values our life together, and doesn't want to worry me. I feel like he values drinking WAY more than me evidenced by his unwillingness to even admit he has a problem. At lunch he continued telling me he doesn’t want to worry me and he cares more about me than anything else, all the while drinking 3 large beers, followed up by at least a 6 pack while we went to play golf, then came home and continued on with the beers in the fridge. I tried my best to ignore his drinking and to focus on myself by reading a book I was interested in. Then at one point he looked at me out of the blue and asked "what would it take for you to leave me?" It wasn't said like he wants me to leave, but earlier in the day he went on about how he doesn't think he deserves me and that I am a better person than he is, that he doesn't care about himself so I assumed it was more self-deprecating talk. So he went from saying he can't do this (meaning life) on Friday night, to telling me I'm stuck with him earlier in the day on Saturday and joking about what he’d do if I left him (stand outside my window and sing) to asking me what it would take for me to leave him once he was drunk that evening.

I swear I have emotional whiplash. Reading on here has been helpful and I’ve been journaling, going to church, and I see my counselor today. I have also considered going to an Al-Anon meeting in my area rather than CR. I am thinking about asking him this evening since he’ll be sober (it’s a work day) why - if he doesn’t want our relationship to end up in divorce like so many others he knows – he drinks to the point he is asking me what it would take for me to leave him. It’s like he’s trying to self- sabotage. I realize I didn’t cause this, can’t control or cure it but my goodness it’s like constant emotional warfare! Just needed to share with others that understand
It sounds like whiplash, great comparison. I found my husband to be an emotional mess when he was using heavily. I do think many of the things he said were truths and sincere. He would just bounce all over with his thoughts and feelings, and there wasnt enough balance to begin any type of constructive change for the things he self identified as being issues.

The psychologist I went to worked in addiction medicine and explained to me how the brain is affected by substances. Obviously when a person is under the influence the effect is visible, but when they are down from it.. the changes are still there. The brain will heal but it takes a while of having the chemicals stop flooding and then fleeing the brain. When I think of that constant cycle - it helped me understand my husbands behavior. Plus, substance abuse has so many symptoms - like denial, minimizing, guilt, shame, lying, avoidance. Its tough to communicate when those are pulled out from their bag in order to deflect reality. Can be very frustrating.

Good for you however, on getting to a point where you can confront the issue of how its affecting you, the marriage, and even the concerns you have for his health. It really seems like he would do well getting into some therapy of his own, or if he is responsive to how his behavior is affecting you -- then maybe even joint therapy? Often change is a process, and one step in the right direction, can lead to another.
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