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Dating someone during sobriety

Old 06-27-2017, 01:45 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It's hard to be in a relationship in early sobriety because the more they love and support you the more you stand to lose if your drinking drives them away. If we can hold a job and manage our sobriety that is awesome. Sobriety, and a job, and a significant other? Now if we drink, we stand to lose so much more - make sense? So that added stress creates anxiety about relapsing, which ironically can cause us to convince ourselves to relapse!

He thinks you will leave him if he relapses, to make a long story short.
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Old 06-27-2017, 07:05 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Unhappy

Thank you Brenda. He did tell me that he can't let his emotions in because of his sobriety, so for one second I did wonder if he might be afraid of getting hurt and relapsing. However, I feel he's pushing me away as he's pulling me in... like a tug of war. I'm sure when I tell him that I should be free to see others while he's getting where he needs to go - he will be perfectly ok with that.. and it hurts so badly which is why I can't focus so much on him (because I love him). Sounds so contradictory. 😭
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Old 06-27-2017, 07:47 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Oh, dear. Some days feel like I write this post over and over...so many sad confused people.

This is Alcoholic 101. Many of us try over and over again to fix ourselves by hooking up with that magic person who will FIX US from the outside so we don't have to deal with our insides. And we can be soooo charming, delightful, and willing to commit because this is IT!!! The magic fix!

So the first weeks/months are magic--soulmates, cupcakes and feel-happy hormones.

Then reality sets in. And we still aren't fixed...and we want out because maybe the next relationship will be The One...but we are also often either cowards about saying so or we're at heart not nice people and don't have many compunctions about stringing someone along for the "benefits."

If you read here...it happens over and over and the poor normie is left in rubble wondering where the moonbeams and roses went.

I've been on both sides and it never ends well.

You've only known this man three months, during which he was doing everything possible to reel you in. Is it consciously manipulative? Depends on the individual.

Bottom line: if you keep pursuing him you will be continually disappointed and devalued.

You deserve more, yes?
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:23 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Single people make a full recovery from alcoholism and go on to lead normal lives in every respect. Married people, engaged people and people with partners do exactly the same thing. Employed people recover, so do unemployed, rich and poor, people with disabilities and people without, all can make full recoveries. Theses outside circumstances have nothing to do with whether someone can recover or not.

You boy friend slipped because he has not yet recovered. Whether he is recovering or not at the moment, given all this talk of manipulation and making you responsible for recovery, is debatable. It is possible that you are inadvertently enabling him to side track his recovery. That is not your fault, it is just the nature of alcoholics to try and find an easier way around what is required for a full recovery.

It may help both of you if you step back. If he is serious about recovery and is actually recovering, he will understand and not place unreasonable expectations on you. I was wondering, have you met his sponsor yet? Our book suggests the sponsor is a good person to explain how all this works.

Speaking as a recovered alcoholic, relationships as you would understand them, were not familiar territory when I was newly sober. Like every grown up, I had to give it a try to gain experience, and my first few attempts were not so great. I made a few mistakes and suffered some pain, and that is all part of emotional growth for everyone. None of that had any bearing on my recovery, except perhaps it created some valuable opportunities for growth.

I made mistakes in all areas of my life, and still do at times, but working an active program for living has meant there has never been any need to drink over them. I know dozens, maybe hundreds of alcoholics that have made wonderful recoveries and who make wonderful parents and partners. That is the whole point of recovery, rejoining the human race.

Step back until you see some evidence that your guy is actually recovering.

The other thing that concerned me a little was your statement about both having anxiety disorder., and being able to really talk to each other. This is not unusual. In AA I have experienced this where boy meets girl on AA campus. They don't have much going on on their lives except for this disease, but the disease and its recovery process, past experiences, future dreams give them much to talk about. We could talk all night. But the question we had to ask in the end was, If all we have in common is a disease, does that make a good basis for a relationship?
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Old 06-27-2017, 09:14 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Great advice Ariesagain!!

Mike- we have so much in common other than the anxiety. We were just pleasantly surprised that we both could relate about that major challenge in our life. I always said we had so much in common, he was a male version of me. Well, not so much since I have love to offer and he doesn't.
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