Timetoheal12

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My eyes got a bit teary while I was re-reading all of your sugestions. It makes me sad that I'm getting much more support from you guys, that from my own parents.

I feel very alone in all of this mess. I gues that this is related to the way I was raised, but I also feel like I will fail? Like maybe I don't deserve good things to happen to me, and when they do happen, I doubt all the time, I question myself: "when will this go wrong?". I wish I was more optimistic about the whole thing. I know I need to prove myself that I'm capable of handling life... Thanks again.

Ariesagain

Do you have access to some counseling through your new job?

Your fears are in large part a product of your mother's need to keep you afraid so you wouldn't leave her...you've been programmed to believe you can't stand on your own. It's not true, but I understand all too well how hard it is to overcome those beliefs.

A good therapist might be a big help...it was for me.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

Timetoheal......I think it is pretty common to have a certain amount of apprehension when one is starting out on one's own...or making any kind of life change.....
Don't let that stop you. Remember that fear is not fact!
It is your right to have a life of your own. It is wrong of anyone who tries to deny you that opportunity....
I think that after you move on your own....after a while, you will see that you may have a better relationship with your parents. They will probably show you more respect when they realize that they can't totally control you.
Give them a while to get over it.....lol.....

All of us have more strength that we realize.....it always shows at just the moment that we need it to......

Timetoheal12

Ok, I am incredibly frustrated and confused.

My mom keeps her posture about being a terrible idea to leave the house. She talked to me about it last night (again) but this time I think she has a point.
I had issues with an eating disorder back when I was 17. I am currently a vegan and I take blood tests almost every month to make sure I am healthy, my body has a lot of muscle since I try to exercise regularly (if my schedule allows it), but I am currently a few pounds underweight.
She told me she is really worried that if I leave, I would even lose more weight and won't take proper care of myself. I went to the therapist when I was 17 and I'm still going, but I honestly don't have an interest in letting myself die or get as unhealthy as I can, is much more the opposite.
I feel guilty about the whole thing because it's like she does have a point with it, with doubting me and my abilities to take care of myself, and I feel like she does have a point with wanting me to prove to her that I'll be fine. The thing is, she wants me to gain the pounds I need and to maintain them for a year (and to live in this house for a year) and she says that if everything is fine she would let me leave the house.

At this point I am not even sure what the hell is going on. I am feeling very resentful, and guilty, and frustrated, and sad, all at once...

Timetoheal12

I mean, is she planning on trying to "take care of me" for the rest of her life?
She herself is a tobacco addict, so I sometimes don't really understand her behaviour....

SparkleKitty

Sooner or later, you are going to have to learn to take care of yourself, right? Might as well be sooner, my friend.

In your current environment, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that you are underweight. Stress can wreck havoc on our systems.

LexieCat

Just because what someone says has a grain of truth in it does not mean that what they are saying is correct or good for you. Sounds to me like she is continuing to grasp at straws, looking for something that will convince you not to leave. This is the first you're hearing about this particular concern, after months and months of "forbidding" you to leave. It doesn't make sense to me that if that were REALLY her concern you're just hearing about it now for the first time.

Stick with the plan.

dandylion

Timetoheal.....your mother is having a hard time of letting you go.....accepting that you are adult and are allowed to follow your own path. She is holding on the the dependent relationship....she is dependent on you and feels more secure if you are dependent on her. She is also sending the subtle m essage that she doesn't think you are capable of taking care of yourself. You ARE capable of that. Sooo...she is pulling out all of the stops...and playing the guilt card--hard.
Don't fall for it!! Just keep reassuring her that you still love her and that you will be close enough to help her out...and visit...etc....And keep reminding her that you intend to take good care of yourself. And, leave it at that.

In psychology 101....the major developmental task of the developing person in young adulthood is the one of Dependence vs. Independence. Every single human goes through that conflict in one way or another.
It is always a tug on the parent's heart, also. But, people get through it...and, get over it, in due time...

Here is what I see as the danger for you...that if you don't opt for the Independence route....you will stay stuck in the Dependent role (and, so will she). If you don't go now...it will get harder, the longer you stay...Plus...you will hold resentments toward her (secretly, maybe).....and, she will grow fearful of you....The overall effect will be that it will erode the relationship between the two of you. I know that you wouldn't want that!

Resist the guilt tripping...be firm in your plans (kindly)....and GO!
She will adjust....I promise you....

Timetoheal12

This. She has been changing her reasons a lot. And if I were to stay in here that whole year I'm pretty sure she would find new reasons to keep me from going, even when she is telling me she won't do this. Actually, I'm pretty sure it would happen, since in a year they want to move to a city that's 8 hours from here and I don't know anything about that city/I don't know anyone in there so I'll have to depend on them for a longer period. I'm so pissed off.

I will stick with the plan....
Thanks a lot everyone for your advice.

dandylion

Timetoheal...........the fact that you are "pissed off" is a big sign that you are ready to go. While this can surely pull a bit on the heart strings.....don't let it degenerate into hostile feelings on both sides.....

Ariesagain

You have a therapist that you see regularly and who is a trained professional who can help with your ED if needed. You monitor your weightand your diet in a constructive way. You exercise in a healthy way.

Sorry, Mom. Nice try.

You can do this.

DoubleDragons

I haven't been to SR in a long time, but I read your post and I felt that I needed to reach out to you. I am in my mid forties and have been no contact with my parents for over a year now. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad is an enabler. However, my mom's alcoholism didn't manifest itself majorly until about 10-15 years ago. Both she and my father's personality disorders (mostly narcissism) have been major factor all of my life. I was a pleaser/codependent "child" that spent most of my life desperately trying to please my mom (which I now understand is mission impossible - no one can make anyone happy, but themselves). I entered therapy in my twenties because my parents put me and my family through literal hell because we planned to move away from my hometown. In fact, my husband turned down an excellent job offer because he came home to find me (6 months pregnant, I might add) lying on the floor, crying in the fetal position because my parents' had gotten so nasty and manipulative about us moving. Eventually, I got the strength to move and those were some of the best years of my life and marriage as far as individual growth and development goes. I have 4 children and two of them are young adults. I wouldn't DREAM of limiting them, their lives and possibilities and their dreams to the city or to the state or to the country that just happens to be the right place for my husband and myself to be settled in. You did not ask to be born. You do not owe your parents your life. Our job as parents is to do our best to prepare you for your independence. And if we do a good loving job as parents, our children probably will want a mutually satisfying relationship with us but it won't be because we scared or manipulated or guilt tripped them into that relationship. I personally want authentic, mutually loving relationships with my kids. Anything else is not real and not worth having, in my opinion.

As far as your eating disorder goes, it is my understanding that often eating disorders manifest themselves because the individual feels so controlled that he or she desperately wants to control something of their own. I imagine getting out of a controlling environment might actually help you along those lines.

Moving away and getting on your own two feet is scary. You will make mistakes. You will have a learning curve. Having a child grow up and move away and make their own choices is scary. I have gone through both. But these are just the natural processes of life that we must surrender to and trust that we are up to the challenge because we are up to the challenge.

When I was in therapy in my twenties my counselor warned me that my parents' issues would probably only worsen with age. Unfortunately, she was right. People don't get help if they are unable/unwilling to admit that they have problems. Your life and your problems are your responsibility. Your mom's life and issues are HER responsibility.

I strongly agree with everyone here who is saying for you to take steps to get on your own quickly, find a good therapist, and learn about keeping strong boundaries. I wish you all of the best!!

SparkleKitty

TTH, I wanted to highlight this paragraph of Double Dragons' excellent post. My own disordered eating stemmed from living with a controlling alcoholic mother and severely codependent father. Staying in that environment ultimately did more harm than good. If you are to truly recover from disordered eating, you are going to have to do it on your own.

PuzzledHeart

Late to this conversation, but I'm glad you've constructed a way out for yourself.

You're not signing up for the Peace Corps (my colleague has a son your age who is doing just that and she's as proud as proud can be). You're two hours driving distance - your mother is outputting much more drama than the situation calls for.