Surprise, relapse. What now???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, batchel. Sorry for the situation.
This is my opinion only. Take what you like and leave the rest.
First, the kids should not be with your husband when/if he is drinking. It isn't safe, as you doubtless know. Not sure how you proceed on that after his family is out of the picture, but I am sure others do and will weigh in.
Second, it sounds like you are separated but still intertwined.
With spouse, your family, his family.
Of course, you would be. They are family, after all.
You seem as though you would like the families to be on your side, but you also state that they don't know the depth of his problem., and they love him.
My feelng is, blood is blood. His family is going to see you as the bad person who is leaving their son just when he needs you the most.
So I wouldn't spend another minute more trying to convince them that you are not.
This is also the tune your spouse is playing: I need you now, yet you have abandoned me.
That is flat out ridiculous, and he is just pushing your emotional buttons that he knows so very well.
To answer your question, I would limit contact with spouse as much as possible, given that there are children.
As to your family, well, I dont know what to say.
I would hope that they would support you, but....maybe not.
Anyway, hang in there.
This is my opinion only. Take what you like and leave the rest.
First, the kids should not be with your husband when/if he is drinking. It isn't safe, as you doubtless know. Not sure how you proceed on that after his family is out of the picture, but I am sure others do and will weigh in.
Second, it sounds like you are separated but still intertwined.
With spouse, your family, his family.
Of course, you would be. They are family, after all.
You seem as though you would like the families to be on your side, but you also state that they don't know the depth of his problem., and they love him.
My feelng is, blood is blood. His family is going to see you as the bad person who is leaving their son just when he needs you the most.
So I wouldn't spend another minute more trying to convince them that you are not.
This is also the tune your spouse is playing: I need you now, yet you have abandoned me.
That is flat out ridiculous, and he is just pushing your emotional buttons that he knows so very well.
To answer your question, I would limit contact with spouse as much as possible, given that there are children.
As to your family, well, I dont know what to say.
I would hope that they would support you, but....maybe not.
Anyway, hang in there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest letting your family and your close friends know what's been going on. When we hide it, we are isolating ourselves and protecting the drinking. YOU are the one in need of support right now. His family already knows what's going on, regardless of whether they are handling it well. I wouldn't expect support from them, but it's hard to expect your family to understand if they don't know what you've been dealing with.
Bringing him to the family event and pretending everything is OK would have been a form of enabling, IMO. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. You don't have to announce it to the world, but I'd be letting those know that you need to lean on. I'd also let the kids' school counselors know what's going on, too--they need support, as well.
If he wants help, he knows how to find it. Your job right now is to take care of yourself and your kiddos.
Hugs,
Bringing him to the family event and pretending everything is OK would have been a form of enabling, IMO. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. You don't have to announce it to the world, but I'd be letting those know that you need to lean on. I'd also let the kids' school counselors know what's going on, too--they need support, as well.
If he wants help, he knows how to find it. Your job right now is to take care of yourself and your kiddos.
Hugs,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, I'm not suggesting you need to paint him as a monster. You can simply explain that his drinking has escalated to the point where the marriage isn't a good situation for you or the kids. And you can tell them a bit of what you've learned about alcoholism and that he doesn't need you standing by his side to get better. And let them know that until you feel secure that the drinking is OVER for GOOD, you aren't going back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Incidentally, I'm not suggesting you need to paint him as a monster. You can simply explain that his drinking has escalated to the point where the marriage isn't a good situation for you or the kids. And you can tell them a bit of what you've learned about alcoholism and that he doesn't need you standing by his side to get better. And let them know that until you feel secure that the drinking is OVER for GOOD, you aren't going back.
Also, I have told my close family members about his issues but they haven't experienced them so they don't really get it. And I don't know how to help them understand.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's the thing--this is only gonna get worse, not better. Do you wait to take the kids to the doctor until their fever is raging out of control?
The court can put appropriate restrictions on his time with them for their safety. Hold onto the insane texts and FB posts and stuff--start documenting EVERYTHING so the court will see that this is a safety issue.
Read around this forum about people who grew up in alcoholic households--how damaging it was for them. And your in-laws understandably are going to take his side and try to discourage you from leaving. I'm sorry your family isn't more understanding, but this is where WE have to be the adults and do what we know is right, rather than seeking approval from others. I'd suggest just saying something like, "I know you don't understand all of the issues, but please trust me that I am doing what is best for me and the kids."
The court can put appropriate restrictions on his time with them for their safety. Hold onto the insane texts and FB posts and stuff--start documenting EVERYTHING so the court will see that this is a safety issue.
Read around this forum about people who grew up in alcoholic households--how damaging it was for them. And your in-laws understandably are going to take his side and try to discourage you from leaving. I'm sorry your family isn't more understanding, but this is where WE have to be the adults and do what we know is right, rather than seeking approval from others. I'd suggest just saying something like, "I know you don't understand all of the issues, but please trust me that I am doing what is best for me and the kids."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Batchel, I have struggled with alcohol-now in recovery-and there is a lot of alcoholism in my family, both sides. Father, sibling, grandfathers, uncles.
My father was an alcoholic and an emotionally distant parent.
I know well the walking on eggshells when he was drunk, and the minimizing my mother did to try to maintain a stable environment.
Not to get all boo hoo about it, but I made some bad choices when I was younger.
Some of my thinking back then can be laid at the feet of my father, who did not approve of much that I did.
Some of it was just stupidity, but that's a topic for another thread.
My father was not physically abusive, but he had a mean tongue when he was drunk.
I have few happy memories of my father.
My point is, alcohol wrecks families in ways we can't even begin to describe.
You ARE doing what is best for the children, no matter what anyone says.
My father was an alcoholic and an emotionally distant parent.
I know well the walking on eggshells when he was drunk, and the minimizing my mother did to try to maintain a stable environment.
Not to get all boo hoo about it, but I made some bad choices when I was younger.
Some of my thinking back then can be laid at the feet of my father, who did not approve of much that I did.
Some of it was just stupidity, but that's a topic for another thread.
My father was not physically abusive, but he had a mean tongue when he was drunk.
I have few happy memories of my father.
My point is, alcohol wrecks families in ways we can't even begin to describe.
You ARE doing what is best for the children, no matter what anyone says.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Stop with his family. Blood is ALWAYS thicker than water. It's hurtful, but it's also reality. When I kicked my XAH out, he did all sorts of things to poison his family against me. I had to just come to the realization that actions speak louder than words, and if they wanted to believe what he was spewing, so be it. You do come to an acceptance.
So...I second everything Lexie said above. Re-read her posts.
Big hugs.
So...I second everything Lexie said above. Re-read her posts.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Just some snippets:
*What happened to the guy that at least acknowledged his drinking issues?* He's mad at you but the even bigger issue is he's even madder at himself.
*Do I give him space?* YES.
* Do I try talking with him?* NO.
* How should I act around him?* Only engage if you HAVE to e..g. a child's schedule or something about the kids. He needs to figure out his recovery (or lack of) on his own no matter how bad he manipulates and guilts you for 'leaving' him.
*Am I really doing what is best for the kids? This is what my in laws are arguing.* Your in-laws do not understand alcoholism. YOU do.
*What happened to the guy that at least acknowledged his drinking issues?* He's mad at you but the even bigger issue is he's even madder at himself.
*Do I give him space?* YES.
* Do I try talking with him?* NO.
* How should I act around him?* Only engage if you HAVE to e..g. a child's schedule or something about the kids. He needs to figure out his recovery (or lack of) on his own no matter how bad he manipulates and guilts you for 'leaving' him.
*Am I really doing what is best for the kids? This is what my in laws are arguing.* Your in-laws do not understand alcoholism. YOU do.
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