It happened
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, I had about a month that I was with the x - both of us knowing I was leaving. The first 3 weeks he was the ass of the world. Then the last week before I left he was prince charming. that lasted a couple weeks, then back to his old self. Then he panicked again and sobered up and was sweet. It lasted 2 months that last time. I could bet hes going to try everything in his power to get you to stay - I agree with the others...be prepared. Hoping for a speedy end of it for you and the kiddos!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Here's a trigger. My daughter wrote an assignment sentence. "The two people that are inseparable are my mom and dad because they are my best friends." Ugh. I know it's my decision but this doesn't make it easy.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suggest you think of all the times the kids cry because he is abusing them, or you. It's kinda like focusing on one day when he's "not so bad" or even "nice." It isn't the whole picture.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My daughter wrote an assignment sentence. "The two people that are inseparable are my mom and dad because they are my best friends."
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
HH, I agree with Atalose. Just because you all may no longer live under the same roof in the future doesn't mean that he ceases to be your kids' father.
IDK. It was hard, yes; DS was 4 when I moved out. It was an adjustment, but DS did so much better once we were out from under the same roof as AXH. When we were still together, DS was so very quiet. I'd say that about 98% of the time it was like he was just huge blue eyes hiding behind my legs, or the sofa, or the corner just watching. Once we were out on our own for a while, he played more - without looking over his shoulder to see if it was OK *today*; he was loud and goofy. He laughed and teased. He ran around. He climbed and jumped and... He PLAYED. I don't think I'm explaining it well, but the change was huge; it was amazing.
It's not to say we didn't have hard days, we did. We had days when DS decided he didn't want to stay for a sledding party because the other kids' dads were there sledding with them and AXH wasn't around. We had nights of him crawling into my bed to cry because he missed his dad. But we also had days that we'd spend laughing, just the 2 of us or with friends.
So, the dichotomy is there. He loves his dad. He always will. He's also afraid of his dad. He may outgrow that; I suspect he will as we get more and more time to heal -- and as he gets bigger and AXH no longer towers as a giant over him. All I can say about my decision to leave is that I know now, without a doubt, it was the right one for us. We don't tiptoe around on AXH's bad days and we don't spend the good days waiting for the other shoe to drop. Both DS and I get to live as ourselves and not as shadows waiting to see how AXH is before we do anything.
(((hugs))) hang in there.
IDK. It was hard, yes; DS was 4 when I moved out. It was an adjustment, but DS did so much better once we were out from under the same roof as AXH. When we were still together, DS was so very quiet. I'd say that about 98% of the time it was like he was just huge blue eyes hiding behind my legs, or the sofa, or the corner just watching. Once we were out on our own for a while, he played more - without looking over his shoulder to see if it was OK *today*; he was loud and goofy. He laughed and teased. He ran around. He climbed and jumped and... He PLAYED. I don't think I'm explaining it well, but the change was huge; it was amazing.
It's not to say we didn't have hard days, we did. We had days when DS decided he didn't want to stay for a sledding party because the other kids' dads were there sledding with them and AXH wasn't around. We had nights of him crawling into my bed to cry because he missed his dad. But we also had days that we'd spend laughing, just the 2 of us or with friends.
So, the dichotomy is there. He loves his dad. He always will. He's also afraid of his dad. He may outgrow that; I suspect he will as we get more and more time to heal -- and as he gets bigger and AXH no longer towers as a giant over him. All I can say about my decision to leave is that I know now, without a doubt, it was the right one for us. We don't tiptoe around on AXH's bad days and we don't spend the good days waiting for the other shoe to drop. Both DS and I get to live as ourselves and not as shadows waiting to see how AXH is before we do anything.
(((hugs))) hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
OT Mother's Day
STBXH asked me to buy his mother a mother's day card for him. She dislikes me and hasn't bought me a card in years. I told him no. I think it's so insensitive. I can't imagine going down the card isle let alone reading each card to find just the right one. I've been sad all day. I guess I just needed to vent and keep up the strength and find happiness for mother's day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
It must be so hard to be living under those circumstances hearthealth xxx hope you manage to get as much time away from him as possible, start some new routines to begin living your own life. Take Care
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