markinlondon

Hi everyone from sunny England! my first post.

Well, what a nightmare. A quick history.

My partner of 10 years, we have a child together and i am step parent to her oldest son. She has been diagnosed with BDP, shows pretty much all the symptoms to the extreme.

She has had a cycle of addictions from her teenage years, bulimia, alcohol, weed, exercise. I met her in her exercise addiction, so did not know about substance. Long story short, she told me she was on birth control but she wasn't. Son was born who is 7 now. Being a good guy I stayed even though i had no choice in having a child, she had an abortion a few years before meeting me and was desperate for another child. Not a great excuse for lying, however i did the right thing and of course started family life.


Of course having a child didn't ease her pain. so she started drinking , all day. hiding alcohol etc until she crashed the car, totalled it and the kids were in hospital. I had to rush home from work. She stopped drinking and cycled to online gambling. This was a nightmare. Every penny, slot machines to be exact, on her phone. Every penny we had gambled away. Then she took out loans, gambled it all. How she got loans not working il never know. Then online scamming, multiple men until she was arrested and sentenced. Suspended sentence. 3 months later she is scamming online again for gambling.

She starts binge eating, a lot! from a size 10 to a 16 in a few months. I mention she is putting on weight too quick, so she goes and finds a drug dealer "friend" who tells her cocaine makes you skinny.

Still gambling and now doing coke too.

She starts sniffing all the time, being very cocky and arrogant, blaming me for all her problems, ie if i had just left when son was born she wouldnt be like this. bearing in mind she has been a nightmare to her ex's. They tell me.

Fast forward to 2017. Her 17 year old daughter left to live with her dad, had enough of mum. I had to leave a fantastic job in london to look after her, the docs wouldnt give her medication as she lies about losing it and getting more .. (diazepam, pregablin) so i had to collect daily. I had to pick the son up from school as she would be asleep. Well paid job in london reduced to living on benefits.

Then the dissapearing started. she would go for a "walk " at 7pm and come back home at 5am. she was out with strange men committing crimes to get money for coke. she was having sex with men who would comment on her on facebook, for coke money . (yes im ok just been std tested thankfully) ..

she didnt think it was bad! she said i was just boring, didnt take risks as crime pays! I was a pervert, as i have a high sex drive!!! lots of abuse etc. The lies were unreal. she tried to get me to try coke. Not interested. she even tried to get her parents to take it! unreal.

all through this of course she had the bpd symptoms too, emptyness , anxiety etc. The coke just turned her into an arrogant uncaring monster even more.

well, just before she could get any worse she got the funding for rehab. she will be there approx a year.

First 2 weeks , she called every 2 days and although emotional she said she was doing well, although some in there are bitchy. week 3 and i havnt heard a thing. no phone calls nothing. im a bit worried but dont want to start calling the rehab etc, i know she is in a safe place.

is this normal 3 weeks in?

any way, hi everyone. This is a great board. little or no support for partners or families in the uk. so here I am. Any uk people HI!! Im staying bright, but do get a wee depressed, but boy is theis drug and bpd thing a rollercoaster.

PhoenixJ

Hi Mark. Addiction sucks. Do you have support groups you can go to- for example for family/friends of alcoholics- there is Al-Anon. Look after you and your child first and fore most. You cannot control what your partner does. Stay safe, keep posting.

VigilanceNow

Hi Mark. I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been put through. It's terrible to watch helplessly as people you love spiral down...

Re: calls from rehab, I know when I was there, the first week was a "blackout" period - no calls or visits. After that, they were very strict about calls. Only on certain days for only 10 minutes. They also often use phone privileges as a form of punishment if you break the rules... Given her track record, it wouldn't surprise me if she broke some rules or something. If you're concerned, you should be able to call and at least inquire how she is.

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

markinlondon

Thanks Guys, yep its probably just me, i know week 3 will probably be tough, she said she didnt have withdrawals when we spoke last week. I expect kicking in now, plus she has to do work, which isnt in her personality!! i just fear the rehab romance etc, they get kicked out, it was hard enough to get funding. probably my paranoia. God i sound co dependent! its more the kids, they miss their mum and she hasnt called them. Il drop the rehab a call.

PhoenixJ

Mark- the thing I know here in Aus- is they are usually very strict about client contacting the outside world being only through staff.

markinlondon

yep called the rehab as her sister was concerned too, and guess what, I spoke to one of the managers and he told me one of her "dealers" had called posing as a friend, of course he wasnt on the list, so they didnt connect her.

Manager said this week has been hard for her and said she may call over the weekend.

Im just getting ready for the "your dumped" rehab speach that seems to be common. You know the whole its your fault im here!

Bobbieka

Hugs for you Mark. I don't have a lot of advice. Lots of prayers for you though.

teatreeoil007

Try not to buy into any guilt trips whatsoever. She needs professional help, big time; period. Hang tight!

markinlondon

well she called and said she is doing well, without prompting she even told me the "dealer" called, apparently this was a lonely guy she got addicted to coke, so he would give her some for free, no sex involved just the promise of a future romance. I tracked down the guy and called him. Bloody married with kids etc. Usual lonely guy.

Needless to say after a nice chat, and i was very nice, explaining truthfully what she had used him for, he wont be bothering her again. Hopefully. He thought they were in love etc etc etc. How he tracked her down to her rehab il never know. More secrets i suppose.

God this nightmare never ends. How many more secret, dramas.
Its hard being effectivly a single parent while she is away and having to deal with more surprises, even though she told me before i asked, and was honest.

FreedomCA

Being in a relationship with her seems to be a lot of work. Having sex with other people would have been a dealbreaker for me. I understand that you love her but there appear to be serious symptoms here. Then again, people have wondered why I stay with my addicted husband. LOL!

markinlondon

Yep, it was a deal breaker, what happened was the start of this she was addicted to gambling. She learnt how easy it was being a pretty girl to get attention from lots of men on facebook. Just put up a pretty picture on a secret account away from me. Men would just send her money as she would say she was a single mum. Im talking thousands of pounds, on the promise of "meeting" them someday. Unreal. In the end a guy called the police and she was arrested and charged / convicted of fraud. During this time she was binge eating, putting on weight etc, then turned to cocaine to lose that weight. Of course she got addicted. Typical BPD .

She then turned back to facebook to meet these men who give her money, and ended up having sex with dealers for coke. Although she said she was disgusted by it, it also effected our sex life (i was unaware at the time of what she was doing\) she didnt really want sex as she felt disgusted with herself..... at times... at others i think she felt "wanted" by these guys plus they used to take her to bars etc, one thing i didn't enjoy was taking her out as she was always wrecked and slurring, embarrassing for me and the kids.

coke REALLY changed her personality, into this arrogant criminal, coke and mixing with arrogant criminals.

Before rehab, she promised she told me all about the things she got upto. which she has i hope, i said i will support her and look after the kids if she changed in rehab. You see the house is hers and i am a step parent to the eldest son. If i had left she would have lost the house and her kids, no chance of rehab if i hadnt stayed. I had to give her that chance.

PhoenixJ

Look after yourself first mark

PuzzledHeart

How many chances are you willing to give her? It sounds like you've given her plenty. You need to create a plan for yourself just in case she relapses after rehab.

I second PhoenixJ - please look after yourself. Look after yourself AND your kids.

I would suggest exploring ways to separate the welfare of your kids from your GF's welfare. You've sacrificed so much to be with her and your kids (and yes I'm including your stepson in the equation) have suffered too. They just can't step out and leave. You may not be able to help your GF, but you can certainly help THEM.

I speak as a child of abuse. It is not fun to walk into a house and know that you're going to be walking on eggshells. As an adult, it is hard to reprimand my own son without second guessing myself - am I being verbally abusive towards him or is this normal?

Your GF sounds like she is going through so much pain - and it will take a lot of work for her to process that. But you cannot do the work for her. Just as you can't expect your children to learn anything from school if you take their homework and do it for them, she has to learn how to cope with the anger, the anxiety, and the challenges that life dishes out to everyone without turning to addiction. She needs to learn that she can and will stand on her own two feet.

If she relapses, and you continue to shield her from the consequences of her actions, ask yourself how this will benefit your kids and what kind of example you are setting for them.

I'm so sorry.

zoso77

Hey...Welcome to the Board.

Just to be clear, she's diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?

markinlondon

Yes Zoso, diagnosed when she was 35, so 5 years ago, the docs put her on Diazepam and Pregablin and quietepine. Didnt help at all, just made her dependent on them. Sent her to groups for therapy which didnt help either.

Its been a circle of addictions. I met her in her exercise phase, EXTREME exercise. Then her knees gave out, then she discovered online gambling which is such a big problem kept quiet here in the UK. Every other ad on tv is gambling now.

Whitewingeddove

Not to be a downer, but have you considered the possibility that this "dealer" knows where she is because she told him?

markinlondon

Yes white, i spoke to her today when she called. She said she may have told him a few months ago. She refused to speak to him at rehab and the rehab have put him on the banned list.

He is a very lonely man in his fifties, married 3 kids, mid life crisis.
My partner offered him the "excitement" he was looking for. He got onto coke too, and bought it for my partner.

She was very honest, she said to her it was all about getting coke. She would have done anything to get it, she needed it everyday. Her cravings were so bad, as it made her feel normal. She said it was so easy with facebook to get these men who will buy her anything, give her money etc, just to even take her for a drink .
She says she has this void that needs filling, hence the cycle of addictions. Pretty common in BPD.

she is nearly 4 weeks clean now, says rehab is hard but she is staying.

zoso77

Mark, I'm going to say something you're not going to like but I have to say it anyways. You're free to disregard it, but I hope you at least consider it.

When you convolve Borderline Personality Disorder with drug addiction, the resulting problem is unfixable and untenable for those who love them. Based on this, you have no future with her other than a future of pain, stress, worry and frustration. And that's no way to live.

How do I know this? Well...go back to my post history starting in January 2012, and you'll see that I have first hand experience with BPD. What I encourage you to do is check out a pair of books: Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You...Don't Leave Me.

If you want to know about my experiences and how I ultimately got free of it, you're free to PM me.

teatreeoil007

It sounds like she has a LOT of issues she needs to work on and she has turned to drugs, extremes, and men as an escape and to address low self esteem and what not. Quick fix; leading to worsening problems....I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of all this. It's time to put your own well being first. You cannot 'fix' her, but you can do for yourself the best you can.