Will I never drink again?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
We all approach our recovery in different ways. For me, reading from the AA Big Book especially The Doctor's Opinion really helped put my alcoholism in perspective. For me, my mind and body are not like other people. When I put alcohol in to my body, I don't have the ability to moderate. It just can't. It never works and I have certainly tried! My body always rejects alcohol. The book describes it as an allergy. It totally made sense to me given the experiences I always had with alcohol.
For me it works much better for my mind to say and think "I don't drink". It just isn't an option for me.
For me it works much better for my mind to say and think "I don't drink". It just isn't an option for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Perth Western Australia
Posts: 2,671
I am one of those people who have tested and retested those waters and thought I could return to being a "social " or "normal" drinker.. It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me..i can't regulate what I drink, and as someone else
Said they are an all Or nothing drinker.. one glass of wine becomes 3 bottles for me within a couple of days..
It has taken me many relapses and rock bottoms to get to the stage where I can whole heartedly admit that alcohol can not be in my life.. I am still taking it day by day but that romantic idea of having ONE wine with dinner or cocktails on a girls night out has vanished.
I need to work on my recovery to stay sober as it's tough.. in the past I haven't put the work in and I've not just slipped but crashed full force into a heap!!!
Hope you find your answers and continue on this journey xx
I am back on 3 weeks sober tomorrow for the gazillionth time..I've wasted so much time
Said they are an all Or nothing drinker.. one glass of wine becomes 3 bottles for me within a couple of days..
It has taken me many relapses and rock bottoms to get to the stage where I can whole heartedly admit that alcohol can not be in my life.. I am still taking it day by day but that romantic idea of having ONE wine with dinner or cocktails on a girls night out has vanished.
I need to work on my recovery to stay sober as it's tough.. in the past I haven't put the work in and I've not just slipped but crashed full force into a heap!!!
Hope you find your answers and continue on this journey xx
I am back on 3 weeks sober tomorrow for the gazillionth time..I've wasted so much time
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
1)If I'm willing to accept that alcohol is no longer an option, I can start the process of recovery.
2)But likewise if I'm willing to ponder a future where alcohol is an option, I can start the process of relapse.
I thought after over a year it might be an option and
like Dee said earlier the "aversion" had faded.
I tested this three more times with four total relapses over 3 years,
first time after 13 months sobriety, other times 4-6 months between.
Even if I didn't "like" or "enjoy" the drinking as I once had,
it did awaken the craving, the AV pushing for a future where
I could somehow drink "sometimes appropriately".
Fourteen months ago I finally choose option one,
and in the words of Robert Frost, "that has made all the difference".
There is no "someday" for me and alcohol to reunite in any form
.
Letting go of the deep-seated hope has led to better hopes
and to really going all-in with sobriety, healing, and maximizing
my human potential right here right now through action.
Perhaps more importantly, I feel a huge sense of peace and relief.
The "what if I could" scabbed over, healed, and the scab fell off.
That way, that passage, that wound is closed.
My job now is to avoid re-injuring myself in this way ever again.
Life has become so interesting and different for me now
without drinking, this seems effortless, though I am vigilant
for any wisps of desire to go back to a past that is over and done.
Happy New Year and how's your new job going Jeff?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Originally Posted by thomas11
I'm just thinking out loud here, but to support my own sobriety, I wanted to share these thoughts.
When I first started sobriety I had a natural curiosity as to whether or not I would ever drink again (never is a long time). About a year and half ago I did what some do and tested it, and as I've mentioned before the magic was gone. I mean completely. So, I made it through the holidays around a fair amount of drinking, and then last night I was at our company party which they had an open bar and I'll be honest, over the holidays and last night I thought about having a couple drinks. I see how it works as a social lubricant for people and they get a little buzz going, no harm no foul. But I couldn't bring myself to do it because it the two times I "tested it" I felt like someone lobotomized me. There was no social lubricant or buzz. I felt dumb, empty, kind of hard to explain. Today there was an all day inauguration party at a mansion I was invited to with some very good friends. Couldn't do it. I just know for a fact that there is nothing there for me with alcohol.
And I share all this to see if anyone else feels this way? I guess maybe in the back of my mind I thought at some point much later in my life I would enjoy alcohol again, but at this point, I don't see that happening. What's going to change? Nothing, right? Its certainly not a bad thing, but I admit I am a bit surprised by this.
ps. I sometimes wonder if the 14 months I was on all that oxycodone, that it changed my mind or body somehow in which I don't react (positively) to alcohol.
When I first started sobriety I had a natural curiosity as to whether or not I would ever drink again (never is a long time). About a year and half ago I did what some do and tested it, and as I've mentioned before the magic was gone. I mean completely. So, I made it through the holidays around a fair amount of drinking, and then last night I was at our company party which they had an open bar and I'll be honest, over the holidays and last night I thought about having a couple drinks. I see how it works as a social lubricant for people and they get a little buzz going, no harm no foul. But I couldn't bring myself to do it because it the two times I "tested it" I felt like someone lobotomized me. There was no social lubricant or buzz. I felt dumb, empty, kind of hard to explain. Today there was an all day inauguration party at a mansion I was invited to with some very good friends. Couldn't do it. I just know for a fact that there is nothing there for me with alcohol.
And I share all this to see if anyone else feels this way? I guess maybe in the back of my mind I thought at some point much later in my life I would enjoy alcohol again, but at this point, I don't see that happening. What's going to change? Nothing, right? Its certainly not a bad thing, but I admit I am a bit surprised by this.
ps. I sometimes wonder if the 14 months I was on all that oxycodone, that it changed my mind or body somehow in which I don't react (positively) to alcohol.
That is a tough situation I have to give you alot of credit for getting through without a drink.
The political scene is all about the drinking to be social.
Im new here 78 days in so im not the one you want advice from but, I just wanted to comment on the strength it must have taken.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Originally Posted by Nic233
I am one of those people who have tested and retested those waters and thought I could return to being a "social " or "normal" drinker.. It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me..i can't regulate what I drink, and as someone else
Said they are an all Or nothing drinker.. one glass of wine becomes 3 bottles for me within a couple of days..
It has taken me many relapses and rock bottoms to get to the stage where I can whole heartedly admit that alcohol can not be in my life.. I am still taking it day by day but that romantic idea of having ONE wine with dinner or cocktails on a girls night out has vanished.
I need to work on my recovery to stay sober as it's tough.. in the past I haven't put the work in and I've not just slipped but crashed full force into a heap!!!
Hope you find your answers and continue on this journey xx
I am back on 3 weeks sober tomorrow for the gazillionth time..I've wasted so much time
Said they are an all Or nothing drinker.. one glass of wine becomes 3 bottles for me within a couple of days..
It has taken me many relapses and rock bottoms to get to the stage where I can whole heartedly admit that alcohol can not be in my life.. I am still taking it day by day but that romantic idea of having ONE wine with dinner or cocktails on a girls night out has vanished.
I need to work on my recovery to stay sober as it's tough.. in the past I haven't put the work in and I've not just slipped but crashed full force into a heap!!!
Hope you find your answers and continue on this journey xx
I am back on 3 weeks sober tomorrow for the gazillionth time..I've wasted so much time
Was the PAWS worse each time you stopped and did it last longer each time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Perth Western Australia
Posts: 2,671
Originally Posted by SWTPEA61
Nic
Was the PAWS worse each time you stopped and did it last longer each time.
Was the PAWS worse each time you stopped and did it last longer each time.
I've had bad experiences with home alcohol detox and withdrawal in the past so my doctor only allows me to do it with meds now.
Don't know why I have continued to do this to myself by am hopeful that this time it will stick. Can't put my boys through this any more
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Perth Western Australia
Posts: 2,671
The most I ever got to was almost 6 months so I don't think PAWS was an issue for me really..I believe it usually happens further down the track but I'm not an expert.. others would know more I think xx
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
The idea of "forever" was a tough one for me. I love what Dee said about not trusting your disgust with booze to last. Short periods of sobriety always erased it for me. Even now, with a couple years under my belt, I sometimes get a little wistful about the idea of not having a beer with my son when the time comes, or raising champagne to my daughter at her wedding, or whatever. But when I try honestly to imagine having only ONE drink, it sounds like torture. That's my answer now. I can imagine drinking and not *immediately* turning back into Mr. Hyde. I can't imagine taking one drink (or even one sip) and feeling satisfied, though. Took awhile for that truth to sink in :-)
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
The interesting thing, thomas11, is that you probably have more reason than most not to ever drink again, from a fear-based point of view. From what I read, you damaged both of your knees in nasty fall down the stairs while drunk with a BAC above 0.20, no?
You ended up unable to walk, with a prolonged recovery of over a year, and yet still tested the waters again. It boggles the mind, but the body apparently forgets the pain more easily than the euphoria. Even after alcohol 'stops working', it still remembers.
Do you still remember the pain from your injury, and from the recovery? Or has it faded over time by now? I ask because it works the same way with the pain from drinking. The brain "forgets" past pain in favor of the benefits.
You ended up unable to walk, with a prolonged recovery of over a year, and yet still tested the waters again. It boggles the mind, but the body apparently forgets the pain more easily than the euphoria. Even after alcohol 'stops working', it still remembers.
Do you still remember the pain from your injury, and from the recovery? Or has it faded over time by now? I ask because it works the same way with the pain from drinking. The brain "forgets" past pain in favor of the benefits.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Algorithm
The interesting thing, thomas11, is that you probably have more reason than most not to ever drink again, from a fear-based point of view. From what I read, you damaged both of your knees in nasty fall down the stairs while drunk with a BAC above 0.20, no?
You ended up unable to walk, with a prolonged recovery of over a year, and yet still tested the waters again. It boggles the mind, but the body apparently forgets the pain more easily than the euphoria. Even after alcohol 'stops working', it still remembers.
Do you still remember the pain from your injury, and from the recovery? Or has it faded over time by now? I ask because it works the same way with the pain from drinking. The brain "forgets" past pain in favor of the benefits.
You ended up unable to walk, with a prolonged recovery of over a year, and yet still tested the waters again. It boggles the mind, but the body apparently forgets the pain more easily than the euphoria. Even after alcohol 'stops working', it still remembers.
Do you still remember the pain from your injury, and from the recovery? Or has it faded over time by now? I ask because it works the same way with the pain from drinking. The brain "forgets" past pain in favor of the benefits.
I've actually taken the steps to structure my days like they were many years ago when I was the most productive. I'm weird that way, structure is everything for me. My days start early and I stay fairly busy until nighttime. I also don't think of weekends as party time anymore, they are just two more days in the week.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
