Wells

I am so lucky to have such wonderful support and wisdom and experience represented in this thread! I come here for the support, I stay for the honesty!

I can't be fully sure of my own instincts yet, I am still suffering a little PTSD I think, but first and foremost I know that I want to feel great and be well. I am also sure that I want her to be well also. So, naturally I think in addition to the jealous instincts the old Codie and protective instincts kick in as well.

The advice here is great and solid though. I have to stay out of that now and that's why no contact is preached. Had I gotten there sooner, I'd her down my own path. As I've said in the past, those of you with kids and other ties to exes, I feel for you, as it has to be so hard never being fully out of it.

I will admit I got a little down just thinking that she might just get worse because she's not supposed to start a new relationship because it spells disaster for recovery but I also have to accept it's not my mistake to make or my right to judge. And being a classic Codie I have to also accept that fact that the feelings of being replaced plays into those fears and doubts about myself, but that has been something I've worked on and I have a great deal of confidence in myself as a person and a partner.

The one thing I can say that I am proud of myself about for sure this time is I have been tempted over and over and my resolve has been strong. The one thing I finally knew is that I can't be with her if she's drinking. I made that mistake so many times now and finally realized it's a dance I can't do any more. I think there have been plenty of chances to get back onto the rollercoaster but this time I've at least stayed off the ride. I won't say it's been easy, but it's been the first time I've been able to do it and mean it ever and I have all of you to thank for that.

Don't give up on me though. I have always promised honesty here and I won't be perfect in my own recovery. I have feelings and emotions and loneliness that I'd love to turn off sometimes. But I at last had to take the hard stance that the lifestyle we were leading was just a path to disaster and we were destroying each other in the process.

I will still wish for her to be well, and I think she wants the same for me. Neither of us are bad people, we just turned out to be bad for each other because it took us that long to face our own addictions.

Wells

Tobe I also wanted to personally thank you and commend you for this very insightful and brave post. I have not seen that clear headed and honest of a post about recovery in quite some time. Good for you and so glad to see how levelheaded you are on your path forward. Thank you for taking a moment to reply on this topic and sharing your own experience!

heartcore

Ps. Wells - I have also learned (perhaps most valuable of all) that I can feel & process all things - with myself, with my journal, with my therapist, with my real life friends, & with my army of wise brothers & sisters on SR - as deeply as I need to & it's all good...as long as I don't text or call or respond to my damaged/damaging ex.

Feelings aren't doings!

Wells

Somone in one of my other threads wisely mentioned that the occasional contact with her may have been like keeping me distant but hooked in and I'm realizing now that happened without even realizing I was being kept "on the hook". In all those interactions it made me feel like she was still available but now it's made me feel more like I was being kept in the periphery as a backup plan which just strengthens my resolve even more.

I will pat myself on the back though - During the last 7 months, there were definitely opportunities where I could have invited her back and started over and I could have made the lonely feeling go away. She was regretful and sweet and I could tell she was hurting. But despite it all she never did two things - She never asked to come home, and she never offered to get help / stop drinking. She could say sorry a million times. But she never said she was changing. It was hard to hear her saying sorry, regretful, but in the back of my mind, I knew...if she's drinking, that's the end of the conversation. My resolve to not go back to that relationship was as strong as hers to be able to keep drinking. She knew that if she came back, there would be conditions, and the only way to avoid those conditions would be to get me to beg her back.

One thing this news has done is finally gotten me thinking about moving on with someone new, which is good. Even though I wasn't aware I was doing it, maybe I really was waiting for her to have some sort of breakthrough. Which we all know here is wrong.

That said, I don't want to start dating someone for the wrong reasons, I'm not looking to spite her or date just because she is in a new relationship. I wouldn't want her or anyone else to know about it. But I do feel strong and confident and able to be in another relationship. I think I am more scared of just starting over than I am of rejection or opening myself up to someone else. I move a little slow, but I always knew I could get there. I don't have a huge social circle here, so, I'm starting to dip my toe into the dating sites just to set up a profile and look around and see what's out there. Not planning to initiate any contacts yet, just take a baby step toward seeing what's out there and putting myself out there too. Just logging in and starting a profile made me feel good. Made me feel like I was letting go of something I didn't even know I was still holding onto.

I still love my ex, but the love is of the dream of what I wanted the relationship to be, not what it actually was when we were together. By being free of the drama so long, I think I just started to forget. It was very clear that the alcohol was destroying us and she made her choice.

With a few more days to think about it, I have realized it is the mixed message of "I'm 3 weeks sober" mixed with "I'm seeing someone" that was tough to hear. Her pattern has been to be in a relationship with someone quickly (she never is alone for long) and to keep drinking. Our relationship started with drinking and we set that tone very early. Drinking was the social lubricant because it took me years to realize that it was actually not normal. So, what hurt was hearing that she was starting a new relationship sober. It hurt that she didn't try when we were together, that she didn't even offer to try after we split up, and that she decided to try for someone brand new. That's what it is.

I'm still having some issues on closure and I will have to talk to a professional or a support group about that. I can write my own closure story in my head but obviously hearing it directly, openly, honestly from her was something I longed for and yet I know will never come. Getting true closure is something that those of us who separate from an alcohol-fueled relationship seem to never get. Just another of those common symptoms I suppose.

Back over the summer, we got to a fork in the road. One fork took her to recovery and making a true effort to give up alcohol to save our relationship. The other fork allowed her to keep drinking and do whatever she wants, relationship aside. She took the fork I didn't want her to take. So we walk down our own paths now, and those paths don't meet back up. I may have been holding out hope that they were running parallel and were going to meet back up again, but that hope has to be let go of. I have learned so much about the power of alcohol and the reasons that so many are affected by its grasp and I at least understand more now about why it was too hard for her to walk a different path with me. I think we sometimes forget that everyone's brain doesn't work like ours. To give up drinking after seeing the destruction in causes seems like such a common sense approach to us, but to them, it's the one thing keeping them alive in their minds.

Again, I just need to get over the hurt over the news that she's getting sober for a new relationship, move on and get back into the mindset of my own life and my own relationship, start a real true no contact, and truly put it behind me.

SparkleKitty

In my experience, *true* closure does not come from another person, it comes from within. Whatever we think we need to hear from someone else is usually what we need to believe in ourselves.

FireSprite

Agreed, 1000%.

I also remember lillamy once sharing that it was especially true because "when dealing with an active addict, you have to provide your own closure". You can't set expectations around another person's recovery, including whether or how you receive whatever amends you feel you deserve. No Contact = No New Hurts.

Validation comes from within. Trust starts inside of us the same way, as do love & respect. I truly believe that.

Wells

I think it's not closure but validation, that word really hit me there. I think what I was really searching for was validation that it was all about the alcohol, and had nothing to do with me. Actually hearing those words rather than just pulling them from within.

I know we sometimes fall into the belief that the fact that the relationship ended was because of the alcohol. And that there were no other factors, nothing I did wrong. I was an angel, she was the devil, the alcohol did us in, otherwise, everything was great.

But I think we also know that's not necessarily true.

That said, for whatever reason I found myself often wishing for the words, when we were breaking, or talking, "I love you, but I can't give up the alcohol so if that's a deal breaker, I can see why this relationship has to end." and that's what I know I'll never hear.

A lot of folks get promises of recovery from their ex's, or even action to recover, but I got none of that, and that bummed me out a bit. It's that feeling that the relationship wasn't even worth trying for when faced with the loss of alcohol. It was like an instant dealbreaker.

It's amazing to me to still feel that way after so many months, but I guess when you let them rent that space in your head, the old emotions are bound to stir up from time to time. I have to face the fact that alcohol was a big part of it, maybe not the ONLY part of it, but it became that one thing that we saw completely differently on and a barrier than prevented a future.

As a social drinker I think it's even harder because I'm not against the stuff at all and even enjoy it. So an alcoholic sadly was probably the wrong type of partner for me to ever get involved with and I still kick myself for not realizing sooner than it wasn't just a party phase, but an actual lifestyle for her.

LexieCat

It's a little more complicated than that, I think. Alcoholism affects people's perceptions. It affects the partner's perceptions and reactions, too. There's a reason it's called a "dance"--because it is all so darned interwoven. The bottom line is we can never see completely what another person is thinking or feeling. We often have trouble sorting out our OWN feelings, right? The bottom line is that it's pretty much impossible to tell what could/would have happened if alcoholism had not been in the picture, or if the alcoholic had gotten sober.

And I think THAT--the "not knowing"--is what we have to come to peace with. The fact that we can't figure it all out, tie it up neatly, understand it like we can most things if we try hard enough.

That's ultimately what acceptance IS, I think. It's accepting the fact that she was who she was, you were who you were, neither one of you planned or wanted for things to go the way they did, but ultimately, your staying together was not good for either one of you.

dandylion

Wells...I think that it would be good for you to read the thread that Firebolt started...just today---"A Year of NO Contact Made All The Difference"....

**the key words are "Year" ...and, "NO contact"
I believe that these are the key to the healing....the ending of the inner pain and consuming thoughts....

honeypig

Hi, Wells--just wanted to respond to this part of your post. The promises are not necessarily a good thing--I certainly got them, but no real action was ever taken. In fact, XAH still tells me from time to time that he's "working on it." But I know enough now to just say "that's good" and leave it at that; I don't ask what he's doing or how he's going about things. What would the point be?

And I get it about feeling bummed at the apparent lack of effort. After a huge argument and a subsequent month of soul-searching and struggle on my part, I informed him that, as I had said during the argument, I really was going to file for divorce. His response? "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do." Wells, we were married nearly 20 years, and together nearly 22! And this was all he had to say about it? I was dumbfounded--but needless to say, this confirmed my decision to end things.

He has never apologized for anything. In his mind, I "rushed to divorce", even though it was 7 or 8 years since I'd first found out there was a problem. I don't know how he justifies having spent about 25% of our joint income, as near as I can figure, on his alcohol and cigs (secret smoker, too). He certainly did some good things for me during the time we were together; maybe in his mind they cancel each other out.

What I think is even more likely is that most of what he's done doesn't even register w/him. His memories of past events are often so different from mine, or simply not even there at all--I think that most of what I eventually decided was unacceptable just doesn't exist, to him. His reality is not at all like mine, so why would my actions and feelings seem valid to him? Why would he apologize for actions that he doesn't see as being wrong or doesn't even remember?

I don't know, and I will likely never know, exactly how it looks to him. And as time passes, I have less and less need or desire to know that. It really doesn't have any bearing on me or my life any more.

There is at least one member here on SR who has some variation on the following quote as their signature line. Almost 4 years ago, when I first came here, I didn't see how this could even be possible. Now, at last, I'm starting to understand, and I hope you do, too.

Wells

Thanks all, great sentiments as always. I need to remember not to too hard on myself. I probably should have tried no contact instantly but it was helping me for a time. I've reached the point now where I realize it's doing way more harm than good, so it's time to stop so I can distance myself from it.

I did at least get apologies over the past few months, but as honeypig wisely says, it's the apology I accept or make for myself that is the best one. I have no way of knowing if any apologies I received were sincere, or just attempts to get back in without any changes. I like to think that she was sorry for what happened, takes responsibility for it, but just realized that was as far as she could take it. She could apologize, say she was sorry, but not say she'd stop. It's like pushing someone into a mud puddle, apologizing, watching them stand back up, then pushing them into the mud puddle again.

No contact and getting out of the dance as Dandy and Lexie say will help, and will be easier now. In the past 2 weeks, I've closed all personal dealings that we could possibly have left, absolutely no physical or material ties, and learned that there is someone new in her life. If there's ever a reason for contact to cease for good, that's it.

The only thing that bummed me out slightly and drove me bonkers a bit was that she told me she was stopping drinking. I'm glad she's trying, I truly am, though the fact she's doing this while starting a new relationship, doing it on her own with no recovery plan or support system, and didn't want to try for me -- Well, that bummed me out. However, not being a part of her life anymore, those future tripping type of thoughts will fade.

Thankfully, I have remained strong. Losing weight, eating better, exercising, keeping active and busy. Work is great, family and friends great, and I am proud of standing my ground this time at least -- Despite the early temptations, there was just no way I could find to go back to a life with her while she was drinking, and I knew that time had finally come.

As always, appreciate you all!

honeypig

Sounds like you've grabbed your freedom, your life, and your recovery in both hands, Wells. I'm happy for you!

Hawkeye13

My prediction Wells, is both sobriety and the new relationship will be short-lived.

There's more than good chance she'll be calling when one or both crash.
If you do mean to go no-contact, what about changing your number or not accepting any calls from her in the future?

Sounds like you're getting there--be patient and kind to yourself.

AnvilheadII

as human life forms, we all breathe in oxygen, O2, and breathe out carbon dioxide, C02. in really simple laymans terms (the stuff i understand), that is one atom difference. but it is CRITICAL to life....if we breathe IN enough carbon dioxide, we die.

long standing human relationships are in part built upon the foundation of chemical interactions......thus why we so often talk about how "they make us FEEL" - it's basic and primal. we emite pheramones: a chemical substance produced and released into the environment by an animal, especially a mammal or an insect, affecting the behavior or physiology of others of its species.

yes we mammals react to the same chemicals that insects do. the trail that ants set for each other to get back to the nest.

when we have been with a person for a long time in a close relationship, we've built that same trail.....the one that always leads us back to the "source". that becomes all we know.

so sometimes we don't even notice when that spare carbon atom floats in and bonds with the oxygen atoms and suddenly that mix has become toxic. we still follow that trail. it's what we know, it's all we know.

dandylion

Anvilhead....I think you are talking about the chemistry involved in bonding.....?
Another funny story....When my husband (who was in public office, at the time) and I were dating....I asked him if he knew anything about "bonding"....and, he answered...."Do you mean as a way of raising funds"......
He looked at me, very puzzled, as I was laughing my ring off!

Wells

Copied this update over so it's in the right thread (this one) and makes sense!

--

No new contacts = no new hurts! How true that is. Take what I'm going through today as a lesson to make sure you avoid it all.

I could have sworn every calendar and connection that we shared as a couple had been removed from my devices. Yet today, two appointments show up on my phone from HER calendar (ugh) for a visit with a personal trainer and a weeklong vacation over the valentine's day weekend. Of course I immediately searched out how to remove all traces from this calendar that I thought was deleted MONTHS ago...but now the damage is done.

Now not only do I have to deal with the thoughts of her in a new relationship which I found out weeks ago, but the fact that she told me she's quitting drinking, and now knowing that she's going to a personal trainer, and taking a long vacation with this brand new person. Then I start to future trip and wonder why she spent months trying to come back, but didn't want to change anything about herself, and decides to change AFTER she meets someone else. And now valentine's day will be even worse! Wonderful.

I'll recover, but today sucks. Be careful everyone. It's getting so hard to go no contact these days even when we try! Ugh.

Ariesagain

Codies mourn, addicts replace.

You're grieving and that's not on any timetable that you can predict. Hopefully her being in a new relationship will help you to realize on a core level that it's really over...it's only human to hold out a tiny bit of hope?

She was all of three weeks sober, right? That's nothing. Maybe she'll be the exception to the rule but most of us drinkers tend to look for outside reasons to get sober...only to discover that never works.

It doesn't matter, as you say. You will eventually move on, in one way or another. Be gentle with yourself.

Maudcat

Well, here's another thought: perhaps your SO has recognized that her actions caused the break-up. Perhaps she is sober because she is taking responsibility, maybe?
Maybe being sober has nothing to do with a new relationship. Two separate things.
Who knows? Time will tell. Good luck, Wells. You sound good.

Wells

Yes, thank you -- I do want to be clear as I realized this may have come off poorly. I have love for her and want her to be well, and be happy. So I don't mean to come off as saying I am angry or hurt that she appears to be wanting to be sober and healthy to break out of her depression so she can live a fulfilled life. I want peace and happiness for her.

She spent a lot of her life with me in a cycle of anxiety, depression, drugs and alcohol and often seemed unsettled or happy. I've always felt that if she found a path away from alcohol that she could realize her true potential and feel healthier, happier and stronger. She had a 6 month sobriety period where we got our dog and being with her then was an absolute joy until she convinced herself she could "just have one" and the cycle restarted.

Despite the breakup, I hope for her to beat this and be well. She was a major part of my life for many years and that will always be a part of me as a result. I guess if I'm being honest it's just the notion of her deciding NOW to turn things around just stings a bit since she couldn't find the strength to do it when we were together, or even after we broke up -- not until she started seeing someone new.

Even though it's deemed by many to be a mistake, had we broken up, and she decided to seek treatment, drop the booze, work on herself, get recovered, there was a chance I'd have opened the door back up. Instead, she spent many months continuing to drink, reach out to me, apologize, not seek recovery...Only to meet someone new and THEN do all the things I wanted for her when we were together or even after we split up. It hurt a little to think it took someone new for her to want to do those things, not for herself, or even for me.

I suppose the positive way to think about it is that for whatever reason, in light of her failures to straighten up when we were together, the dynamic we had, despite my support and love, wasn't working, and something had to change to give her a chance at sobriety and wellness.

I appreciate it!