Egomaniac with a Inferiority Complex
Aka.. Indamiricale. :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dr.Bob's Neighbor
Posts: 2,728
Egomaniac with a Inferiority Complex
I was born in Cleveland Ohio, and was an only child. My parents were from hippie era, so I was around that type of life style and the drinking and drugging that goes along with it. Even so, I was never neglected and received a wonderful childhood. I was taught morals and values from a very young age. And growing up I had everything I ever needed and most of what I wanted. Yet still, I seemed to always want more. I always felt I needed the best of everything, and if I didn’t get it which was very rare. I would feel less than or get angry about it. Today I do look back at my childhood very fondly. I enjoyed life to the fullest.
My first drink, I don’t know when this was. I was far too young to remember. My grandmother would tell me though, when there where parties and they could find me often over by the deposit bottles of beer drinking the last of each bottle. I remember sipping beer and cocktails as a young child but never getting any effect other than feeling kind of cool. My father was and is a big drinker, which I can say if he is a alcoholic or not. That is for him to do. But, he also loves the bars. And being that only child he took me all the time with him. And I absolutely loved it. The attention from the beautiful bartenders, lights, and the games to play just sucked me in. And I later in life became a bar person also.
With that being said, I went through my younger years living life and playing sports. I just enjoyed life as I knew it. I had friends, family, and plenty of freedom. Until 8th grade, that is when my life took a turn. I moved to Houston Texas, to be with my mother that had gotten remarried. This is when things really changed for me. I no longer was one of the “cool” kids and I felt so out of place. The school was very wealthy and it seemed that everyone knew each other already. I really began to stay to myself and spend all my time being alone and afraid of these other kids.
I meet another guy just like me and we became best friends. That’s when the experimenting began. We started with smoking pot, and quickly escalated to lsd and whatever was available every weekend. Now down there it was so much easier to be able to buy drugs than it was to get alcohol. But, I can say that I couldn’t wait till every time we could get our hands on some alcohol. So all we did was drink and do drugs every weekend and all summer long. And very simply this is how my high school years went on till my senior year.
Then my senior year had arrived. And my mother and I moved back to the Cleveland area. We moved in with my grandmother her mother. And I had felt like I had arrived. Because all the kids here drank like I always wanted to. All of sudden I fit back in the crowd. And so my senior year was the beginning of my alcoholic career. Once I graduated it was full time. I started working in the restaurant business. And just simply lived for the party after work or when I had the day off started as soon as possible. I look back and can’t remember much from that time till I turned 21. Nothing changed at that age other now, I was able to buy alcohol and drink in bars legally. So again, I had arrived. I was a bar fly and a daily blackout drinker from that point on.
At this point I met a girl and “fell” in love. Looking back she was my very first hostage. I had made plans to move out to Dillon, Colorado. And she fit right in that plan. Because she had a car and some money saved. We made it out to Denver, and one of the first nights I wanted to go Boulder. So we did, I didn’t not know that at this time it was the micro brew capital of the country. We spent that day going from brewery to brewery. On the way back to Denver, I can recall just thinking “how am I going to tell her I am now moving to Boulder?”. Well I told her the next morning without any care of what she wanted. She agreed thou and so we went. As soon as we got settled and moved in, I went out to a concert and smashed her car. The next week, I had broken up with her. She was of no use to me anymore.
That was me for the next many years, I moved and took more “hostages” and fell in “love”. But honestly I never loved anyone like I did alcohol. Nothing meant more to me than me doing whatever I wanted to do. And that is how I lived my life. Locations changed, people changed, but not me. I stayed the same.
Now by the time my 30’s had begun. I started to have more consequences from my drinking. I started losing jobs because I couldn’t make it to work. I started have legal issues from it also. In total to this date, I have been charged with 4 dui’s and convicted of 3. All of these things meant nothing to me; they were simple burdens and things that happen when I drink the way I do. I had accepted the fact that I was a alcoholic, I was even proud of it really. But mainly I had just come to terms that, this is how I will live the rest of my life, and die this way.
I am at this point 36, when I have to serve 21 days in county jail for one of my drunken driving charges. Now, I have never gone more than a day without a drink in many years. I would shake uncontrollably whenever I didn’t have anything to drink yet. I was on my second night there, and I remember going into my cell. Then, everything is a blurry and full of hallucinations. I remember looking out my glass (in a jail cell) wall to the street. And my family was out there telling me to jump. So I was trying to kick out the window. Next thing, is now my aunt is in the cell with me. And somewhere in this I decide I have just let everyone down to much. And in this state I decided to kill myself in my cell, by running head first into the cell door. After several attempts I was pulled out by some guards. They tried to calm me down and get me to relax, and I recall going to a cell where they could watch me.
The next thing I know is I am opening my eyes to a nurse looking at me. She asked me, do you know where you are? I looked around and could tell I was in a hospital. I told her that. And then she started to ask me all kinds of questions. Who was I, where was I from, what was my birthday, and made a little small talk. After a little time, she tells me, you are in fact in the I.C.U. and have been here for 4 days. I had been awake for much of this time (I don’t remember a single thing). I had been babbling and making absolutely no sense. And that is because I was diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome or coming called “wet brain.” She explained to me what this is, and how lucky I am to have come out of that state of mind. Afterwards they moved me to a regular room for a couple days and released me. That’s it, sent home.
Upon arriving at home, I was left with a dazed and confused feeling. I had no idea what to do. So I did what any good alcoholic does. I went up to my corner bar, to visit my friends. And I proceeded to sit back and tell everyone what had happened as I chugged down tall Miller Lite’s and shots of Jager. To me this was normal; I just survived another wild journey.
While there and telling my story a old friend walked in. I had used to party with him a lot, and I sat and with him and finished the story. He never really said a word. He ordered a hamburger and coke and just listened while watching a Indians game. He wrote his number down on a napkin and left. Once he was gone I asked the bartender why he hasn’t been around. And she said he got went and got sober. Well that didn’t hit me really for a couple days when I found that napkin on my table. And I thought “huh maybe, just maybe I should ask for help”. So finally I called him and he took me to my first meeting.
I jumped right in, and got involved. I took suggestions and got a home group, sponsor, and kept coming back. I put together 10 months of sobriety and things were really good. I got a excellent new job, which was great. Except, It demanded extremely long hours and was very taxing to get to and home from. 3 hour bus ride each way. And was finally living life , I thought. And as time went by I starting doing exactly what I had been warned about. I couldn’t make it to meetings; stopped calling and talking with my sponsor and support network, and finally stopped praying. After several months I finally got my license back and car going. And one night after work on my way home, I just said the famous words of **** it! I deserve a drink; I can handle it, I never been better. And so I pulled into a local bar and ordered.
Well, somehow I managed to maintain my life and job for 2 years. Until one evening, I felt a pain in my upper stomach. I knew what it was, that it was my pancreases again. I had a mild attack several years back. So I drove myself to Metro ER. While I was there I started detoxing again and was in excruciating pain. I told the doctors the truth while they ran their test. Many hours later, they came to me and told me I had pancreatitis and it was a serious attack. And would I admit myself, they would have to feed me through a IV for several days, and help me through the detox. And thankfully I said yes. So I was admitted, this is when things really got worse. I don’t remember to much, during this seven days. Bits and pieces are in my memory. One I know I was strapped down to a bed for 7 days due to my hallucinations, feed via IV. Also, I remember the doctors telling me something was seriously wrong and I had to have a procedure done. It turns out my triglyceride levels were sky high. Mine were 5,500 and normal is 150-200. So a two specialist where brought in to figure out what to do. They rushed me to a surgical room where they installed a tube into my neck. And for 2 days they hooked me up to a machine (plasmapheresis ) to lower the triglycerides. So during this 7 days, I remember a couple things , the hallucinations, pain, and the complete sense of doom.
After all that is said and done, I survive a “miracle” yet again. I was admitted to a standard room for a few days and released home to recover. All in all it took about two months maybe just a little longer. And I found myself going golfing with a friend. And there I was on the 3rd hold taking a beer and toasting with this friend. Saying, can you believe that I was almost dead a couple months ago? So the insanity continues!
Things didn’t take long at all this time. I started right where I left off, drinking daily and needing a drink during work to keep the shaking to a minimum. Well, one Saturday I had a little to much and people noticed. And I was sent home. Well again, no consequence other than was told not to do it again, and stay home for the weekend. So all I heard was cool a couple days off to drink full time.
Well in a blink of an eye it was Monday. And I was smashed, saying to myself now what. I can’t go to work drunk, I was just sent home for that. I called in and left a message saying I couldn’t come in due to my mother was sick and had to help her. I know today, they knew the truth.
The blessing is, that is when my miracle began. That night, I reached out and texted a friend from 2 years ago in the rooms of AA. I asked her if she could help me get into detox. She woke up her husband and texted me back “Greg will help”. The next morning I received a call from her, saying Stella Maris is going to call you, stay by the phone. I thought that it was a dream the night before, and was terrified that Stella’s might call. Which, they did. It was Nurse Patty, and she gave me a phone interview and I was completely honest. She said, to keep drinking and come in tomorrow at noon. I got off the phone and went straight to the fridge. I had one last night of drinking to do!
No more than a hour went by, and Stella Maris detox calls back. And this time, its “can you come today, we have a cancellation. “ This I know today was my Higher Power at work, because I said yes. I grabbed a bag that I had thrown together and jumped in the car and went straight there.
I never had been to treatment and was terrified of what was happening. But, I also had a tiny bit of faith. I knew that I couldn’t live the life I was living anymore. And that this place knew how to help me. I met a nurse in the detox unit, and she said to me. “Don’t leave until, they kick you out.” And, I said, you got a deal. So I stayed 8 and ½ months.
During that time, I just fully surrendered to the process. I listened, participated, and got active. I also got back into the program I had turned my back on a couple years ago. I got home a group, I got a sponsor, and most importantly I got a belief in a Higher Power started.
I got up each morning and just got on my knees and started talking to something. I would ask it, please keep me sober today, and help me through. And at night a simple thank you, for helping me stay one more day.
I got honest, and worked with my sponsor. We went through the steps together. And I was able to get through them before I left. That way I was able to work them once, and practicing living them every day.
And I became part of the We! Once it was time to leave at that time. I went to a sober living house. Today, as I write this, I have 20 months of uninterrupted sobriety. Never, never, would I have thought that my life would be what it is today. I couldn’t imagine life without alcohol, I truly couldn’t. Now just for today, I can.
I keep things very simple. I have to. My mind wants to make things complicated; my disease wants to get back in the driver’s seat. That’s why I go back to where it all began for me, almost daily. I return to Stella’s and am a part of the solution today, instead of the problem. And now I work for the facility. I get to be the house manager of the facilities first sober house.
Today, I pray, I go to meetings, and I try to help another alcoholic. That’s it, and it works. My only hope in writing this is it helps anyone to just stay one more day. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and that’s okay, I know that just for today I can be okay.
“I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there. And for that I am responsible.” AA Big Book.
This declaration is a credo for me. It is the marker between the hell I found myself in, and who I am today. Both inside and outside the rooms of A.A.
My first drink, I don’t know when this was. I was far too young to remember. My grandmother would tell me though, when there where parties and they could find me often over by the deposit bottles of beer drinking the last of each bottle. I remember sipping beer and cocktails as a young child but never getting any effect other than feeling kind of cool. My father was and is a big drinker, which I can say if he is a alcoholic or not. That is for him to do. But, he also loves the bars. And being that only child he took me all the time with him. And I absolutely loved it. The attention from the beautiful bartenders, lights, and the games to play just sucked me in. And I later in life became a bar person also.
With that being said, I went through my younger years living life and playing sports. I just enjoyed life as I knew it. I had friends, family, and plenty of freedom. Until 8th grade, that is when my life took a turn. I moved to Houston Texas, to be with my mother that had gotten remarried. This is when things really changed for me. I no longer was one of the “cool” kids and I felt so out of place. The school was very wealthy and it seemed that everyone knew each other already. I really began to stay to myself and spend all my time being alone and afraid of these other kids.
I meet another guy just like me and we became best friends. That’s when the experimenting began. We started with smoking pot, and quickly escalated to lsd and whatever was available every weekend. Now down there it was so much easier to be able to buy drugs than it was to get alcohol. But, I can say that I couldn’t wait till every time we could get our hands on some alcohol. So all we did was drink and do drugs every weekend and all summer long. And very simply this is how my high school years went on till my senior year.
Then my senior year had arrived. And my mother and I moved back to the Cleveland area. We moved in with my grandmother her mother. And I had felt like I had arrived. Because all the kids here drank like I always wanted to. All of sudden I fit back in the crowd. And so my senior year was the beginning of my alcoholic career. Once I graduated it was full time. I started working in the restaurant business. And just simply lived for the party after work or when I had the day off started as soon as possible. I look back and can’t remember much from that time till I turned 21. Nothing changed at that age other now, I was able to buy alcohol and drink in bars legally. So again, I had arrived. I was a bar fly and a daily blackout drinker from that point on.
At this point I met a girl and “fell” in love. Looking back she was my very first hostage. I had made plans to move out to Dillon, Colorado. And she fit right in that plan. Because she had a car and some money saved. We made it out to Denver, and one of the first nights I wanted to go Boulder. So we did, I didn’t not know that at this time it was the micro brew capital of the country. We spent that day going from brewery to brewery. On the way back to Denver, I can recall just thinking “how am I going to tell her I am now moving to Boulder?”. Well I told her the next morning without any care of what she wanted. She agreed thou and so we went. As soon as we got settled and moved in, I went out to a concert and smashed her car. The next week, I had broken up with her. She was of no use to me anymore.
That was me for the next many years, I moved and took more “hostages” and fell in “love”. But honestly I never loved anyone like I did alcohol. Nothing meant more to me than me doing whatever I wanted to do. And that is how I lived my life. Locations changed, people changed, but not me. I stayed the same.
Now by the time my 30’s had begun. I started to have more consequences from my drinking. I started losing jobs because I couldn’t make it to work. I started have legal issues from it also. In total to this date, I have been charged with 4 dui’s and convicted of 3. All of these things meant nothing to me; they were simple burdens and things that happen when I drink the way I do. I had accepted the fact that I was a alcoholic, I was even proud of it really. But mainly I had just come to terms that, this is how I will live the rest of my life, and die this way.
I am at this point 36, when I have to serve 21 days in county jail for one of my drunken driving charges. Now, I have never gone more than a day without a drink in many years. I would shake uncontrollably whenever I didn’t have anything to drink yet. I was on my second night there, and I remember going into my cell. Then, everything is a blurry and full of hallucinations. I remember looking out my glass (in a jail cell) wall to the street. And my family was out there telling me to jump. So I was trying to kick out the window. Next thing, is now my aunt is in the cell with me. And somewhere in this I decide I have just let everyone down to much. And in this state I decided to kill myself in my cell, by running head first into the cell door. After several attempts I was pulled out by some guards. They tried to calm me down and get me to relax, and I recall going to a cell where they could watch me.
The next thing I know is I am opening my eyes to a nurse looking at me. She asked me, do you know where you are? I looked around and could tell I was in a hospital. I told her that. And then she started to ask me all kinds of questions. Who was I, where was I from, what was my birthday, and made a little small talk. After a little time, she tells me, you are in fact in the I.C.U. and have been here for 4 days. I had been awake for much of this time (I don’t remember a single thing). I had been babbling and making absolutely no sense. And that is because I was diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome or coming called “wet brain.” She explained to me what this is, and how lucky I am to have come out of that state of mind. Afterwards they moved me to a regular room for a couple days and released me. That’s it, sent home.
Upon arriving at home, I was left with a dazed and confused feeling. I had no idea what to do. So I did what any good alcoholic does. I went up to my corner bar, to visit my friends. And I proceeded to sit back and tell everyone what had happened as I chugged down tall Miller Lite’s and shots of Jager. To me this was normal; I just survived another wild journey.
While there and telling my story a old friend walked in. I had used to party with him a lot, and I sat and with him and finished the story. He never really said a word. He ordered a hamburger and coke and just listened while watching a Indians game. He wrote his number down on a napkin and left. Once he was gone I asked the bartender why he hasn’t been around. And she said he got went and got sober. Well that didn’t hit me really for a couple days when I found that napkin on my table. And I thought “huh maybe, just maybe I should ask for help”. So finally I called him and he took me to my first meeting.
I jumped right in, and got involved. I took suggestions and got a home group, sponsor, and kept coming back. I put together 10 months of sobriety and things were really good. I got a excellent new job, which was great. Except, It demanded extremely long hours and was very taxing to get to and home from. 3 hour bus ride each way. And was finally living life , I thought. And as time went by I starting doing exactly what I had been warned about. I couldn’t make it to meetings; stopped calling and talking with my sponsor and support network, and finally stopped praying. After several months I finally got my license back and car going. And one night after work on my way home, I just said the famous words of **** it! I deserve a drink; I can handle it, I never been better. And so I pulled into a local bar and ordered.
Well, somehow I managed to maintain my life and job for 2 years. Until one evening, I felt a pain in my upper stomach. I knew what it was, that it was my pancreases again. I had a mild attack several years back. So I drove myself to Metro ER. While I was there I started detoxing again and was in excruciating pain. I told the doctors the truth while they ran their test. Many hours later, they came to me and told me I had pancreatitis and it was a serious attack. And would I admit myself, they would have to feed me through a IV for several days, and help me through the detox. And thankfully I said yes. So I was admitted, this is when things really got worse. I don’t remember to much, during this seven days. Bits and pieces are in my memory. One I know I was strapped down to a bed for 7 days due to my hallucinations, feed via IV. Also, I remember the doctors telling me something was seriously wrong and I had to have a procedure done. It turns out my triglyceride levels were sky high. Mine were 5,500 and normal is 150-200. So a two specialist where brought in to figure out what to do. They rushed me to a surgical room where they installed a tube into my neck. And for 2 days they hooked me up to a machine (plasmapheresis ) to lower the triglycerides. So during this 7 days, I remember a couple things , the hallucinations, pain, and the complete sense of doom.
After all that is said and done, I survive a “miracle” yet again. I was admitted to a standard room for a few days and released home to recover. All in all it took about two months maybe just a little longer. And I found myself going golfing with a friend. And there I was on the 3rd hold taking a beer and toasting with this friend. Saying, can you believe that I was almost dead a couple months ago? So the insanity continues!
Things didn’t take long at all this time. I started right where I left off, drinking daily and needing a drink during work to keep the shaking to a minimum. Well, one Saturday I had a little to much and people noticed. And I was sent home. Well again, no consequence other than was told not to do it again, and stay home for the weekend. So all I heard was cool a couple days off to drink full time.
Well in a blink of an eye it was Monday. And I was smashed, saying to myself now what. I can’t go to work drunk, I was just sent home for that. I called in and left a message saying I couldn’t come in due to my mother was sick and had to help her. I know today, they knew the truth.
The blessing is, that is when my miracle began. That night, I reached out and texted a friend from 2 years ago in the rooms of AA. I asked her if she could help me get into detox. She woke up her husband and texted me back “Greg will help”. The next morning I received a call from her, saying Stella Maris is going to call you, stay by the phone. I thought that it was a dream the night before, and was terrified that Stella’s might call. Which, they did. It was Nurse Patty, and she gave me a phone interview and I was completely honest. She said, to keep drinking and come in tomorrow at noon. I got off the phone and went straight to the fridge. I had one last night of drinking to do!
No more than a hour went by, and Stella Maris detox calls back. And this time, its “can you come today, we have a cancellation. “ This I know today was my Higher Power at work, because I said yes. I grabbed a bag that I had thrown together and jumped in the car and went straight there.
I never had been to treatment and was terrified of what was happening. But, I also had a tiny bit of faith. I knew that I couldn’t live the life I was living anymore. And that this place knew how to help me. I met a nurse in the detox unit, and she said to me. “Don’t leave until, they kick you out.” And, I said, you got a deal. So I stayed 8 and ½ months.
During that time, I just fully surrendered to the process. I listened, participated, and got active. I also got back into the program I had turned my back on a couple years ago. I got home a group, I got a sponsor, and most importantly I got a belief in a Higher Power started.
I got up each morning and just got on my knees and started talking to something. I would ask it, please keep me sober today, and help me through. And at night a simple thank you, for helping me stay one more day.
I got honest, and worked with my sponsor. We went through the steps together. And I was able to get through them before I left. That way I was able to work them once, and practicing living them every day.
And I became part of the We! Once it was time to leave at that time. I went to a sober living house. Today, as I write this, I have 20 months of uninterrupted sobriety. Never, never, would I have thought that my life would be what it is today. I couldn’t imagine life without alcohol, I truly couldn’t. Now just for today, I can.
I keep things very simple. I have to. My mind wants to make things complicated; my disease wants to get back in the driver’s seat. That’s why I go back to where it all began for me, almost daily. I return to Stella’s and am a part of the solution today, instead of the problem. And now I work for the facility. I get to be the house manager of the facilities first sober house.
Today, I pray, I go to meetings, and I try to help another alcoholic. That’s it, and it works. My only hope in writing this is it helps anyone to just stay one more day. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and that’s okay, I know that just for today I can be okay.
“I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there. And for that I am responsible.” AA Big Book.
This declaration is a credo for me. It is the marker between the hell I found myself in, and who I am today. Both inside and outside the rooms of A.A.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
That was an interesting story. I'm glad you finally found something that works.
. Yes, it happens a lot. A person goes through all the hard work of quitting, but then one little drink starts up the loooong roller coaster ride again.
. Yes, it happens a lot. A person goes through all the hard work of quitting, but then one little drink starts up the loooong roller coaster ride again.
Aka.. Indamiricale. :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dr.Bob's Neighbor
Posts: 2,728
Omg .. Thank you Serene, Midnight, and pooky!!!!!!
So awesome to see so many people still here trudging the road.
I have had just a wonderful welcome back ....
So awesome to see so many people still here trudging the road.
I have had just a wonderful welcome back ....
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