Horrible Embarrassment
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Horrible Embarrassment
Here's one for you.....
There have been some terribly embarrassing, shameful things in my life, but few rival this.
I'd been staying at my mother's house during the process of a painful divorce. I went out one night to the bar to shoot pool and of course, primarily to drink. To drink my troubles into oblivion. To drink away my worries, my fears, my depression, my anxiety and my anger. To just.... DRINK..... into the stupor my sorrow and chaotic emotions sought.
I don't remember how I got home. I don't remember driving.... but I did. I only remember waking. Waking to an awfulness. A pounding headache. A deep illness. A still-drunken, alcohol-poisoned, terribleness of torment and despair. And finding beside me a terrible mess. I thought it was vomit everywhere. And, some of it was. But a lot of it wasn't. It had come out the other end. All over the carpet. The blankets. I'd gotten up and 'used the restroom' - right there.
I frantically cleaned it up as best I could. I made claim it had all been vomit, but the stench betrayed that story. I cleaned for hours that day, desperately trying to hide the awful, shameful truth. I was ill and I will never again be able to smell that particular brand of carpet cleaner without the scenes of that memory....... it is behind me.... I have let go of it from a shame perspective - but the reality lives on in the sense that I will not forget that scent or those many, many other scenes like it that told me consistently over the course of my life; "THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK."
The point, I think, is that we've all suffered from the horrible embarrassment of our own actions. We've all felt shame. We've all done things that we really are mortified by. Those things aren't us, they are the results of addiction.
The other point is that we can choose another life, in which these things never, ever happen again.
Here's a toast (with a big glass of water) to your abundant, shame-free sobriety.
There have been some terribly embarrassing, shameful things in my life, but few rival this.
I'd been staying at my mother's house during the process of a painful divorce. I went out one night to the bar to shoot pool and of course, primarily to drink. To drink my troubles into oblivion. To drink away my worries, my fears, my depression, my anxiety and my anger. To just.... DRINK..... into the stupor my sorrow and chaotic emotions sought.
I don't remember how I got home. I don't remember driving.... but I did. I only remember waking. Waking to an awfulness. A pounding headache. A deep illness. A still-drunken, alcohol-poisoned, terribleness of torment and despair. And finding beside me a terrible mess. I thought it was vomit everywhere. And, some of it was. But a lot of it wasn't. It had come out the other end. All over the carpet. The blankets. I'd gotten up and 'used the restroom' - right there.
I frantically cleaned it up as best I could. I made claim it had all been vomit, but the stench betrayed that story. I cleaned for hours that day, desperately trying to hide the awful, shameful truth. I was ill and I will never again be able to smell that particular brand of carpet cleaner without the scenes of that memory....... it is behind me.... I have let go of it from a shame perspective - but the reality lives on in the sense that I will not forget that scent or those many, many other scenes like it that told me consistently over the course of my life; "THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK."
The point, I think, is that we've all suffered from the horrible embarrassment of our own actions. We've all felt shame. We've all done things that we really are mortified by. Those things aren't us, they are the results of addiction.
The other point is that we can choose another life, in which these things never, ever happen again.
Here's a toast (with a big glass of water) to your abundant, shame-free sobriety.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Owl! My friend! I'm so sorry! That's been a nightmare for you. As they say **** happens. One thing is crystal clear and it's that if you feel bad about something, really bad, like heartbroken, lost, all drinking will do is turn it into a real nightmare. I feel fairly confident in saying that no one, absolutely no one has ever found differently. So why do we do it? It's despair, rage, anger, a flood of emotion which makes us terribly vulnerable to our AV. At least that's the only way I can explain it. It's like the tiger hunt where the hunter, stalking the tiger, turned around and found it sitting on a ledge ready to spring. And in your case it sprung. If you ever again feel so upset, so angry, lost, heart broken, WATCH YOUR BACK! Call a friend, a non drinking friend, go to a meeting if you are an AA person, call your doctor (that's what I did after I had to put my beloved dog to sleep many years ago). Just keep from jumping into a real black hole of despair, as well as the possibility of maybe doing something that could haunt you forever. Take care of yourself, Owl. You take care of us. Forgive yourself. Because there's nothing to forgive.
Bill.
Bill.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Glen Allen, Va
Posts: 2,589
You're mantra of "This is not normal!" reminds me of some of mine. I'd repeat "There's no dignity in this" to myself as I retched half the day in the washroom. Anyways, thanks for the share Owl!
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
Here's one for you.....
There have been some terribly embarrassing, shameful things in my life, but few rival this.
I'd been staying at my mother's house during the process of a painful divorce. I went out one night to the bar to shoot pool and of course, primarily to drink. To drink my troubles into oblivion. To drink away my worries, my fears, my depression, my anxiety and my anger. To just.... DRINK..... into the stupor my sorrow and chaotic emotions sought.
I don't remember how I got home. I don't remember driving.... but I did. I only remember waking. Waking to an awfulness. A pounding headache. A deep illness. A still-drunken, alcohol-poisoned, terribleness of torment and despair. And finding beside me a terrible mess. I thought it was vomit everywhere. And, some of it was. But a lot of it wasn't. It had come out the other end. All over the carpet. The blankets. I'd gotten up and 'used the restroom' - right there.
I frantically cleaned it up as best I could. I made claim it had all been vomit, but the stench betrayed that story. I cleaned for hours that day, desperately trying to hide the awful, shameful truth. I was ill and I will never again be able to smell that particular brand of carpet cleaner without the scenes of that memory....... it is behind me.... I have let go of it from a shame perspective - but the reality lives on in the sense that I will not forget that scent or those many, many other scenes like it that told me consistently over the course of my life; "THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK."
The point, I think, is that we've all suffered from the horrible embarrassment of our own actions. We've all felt shame. We've all done things that we really are mortified by. Those things aren't us, they are the results of addiction.
The other point is that we can choose another life, in which these things never, ever happen again.
Here's a toast (with a big glass of water) to your abundant, shame-free sobriety.
There have been some terribly embarrassing, shameful things in my life, but few rival this.
I'd been staying at my mother's house during the process of a painful divorce. I went out one night to the bar to shoot pool and of course, primarily to drink. To drink my troubles into oblivion. To drink away my worries, my fears, my depression, my anxiety and my anger. To just.... DRINK..... into the stupor my sorrow and chaotic emotions sought.
I don't remember how I got home. I don't remember driving.... but I did. I only remember waking. Waking to an awfulness. A pounding headache. A deep illness. A still-drunken, alcohol-poisoned, terribleness of torment and despair. And finding beside me a terrible mess. I thought it was vomit everywhere. And, some of it was. But a lot of it wasn't. It had come out the other end. All over the carpet. The blankets. I'd gotten up and 'used the restroom' - right there.
I frantically cleaned it up as best I could. I made claim it had all been vomit, but the stench betrayed that story. I cleaned for hours that day, desperately trying to hide the awful, shameful truth. I was ill and I will never again be able to smell that particular brand of carpet cleaner without the scenes of that memory....... it is behind me.... I have let go of it from a shame perspective - but the reality lives on in the sense that I will not forget that scent or those many, many other scenes like it that told me consistently over the course of my life; "THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK."
The point, I think, is that we've all suffered from the horrible embarrassment of our own actions. We've all felt shame. We've all done things that we really are mortified by. Those things aren't us, they are the results of addiction.
The other point is that we can choose another life, in which these things never, ever happen again.
Here's a toast (with a big glass of water) to your abundant, shame-free sobriety.
Recently, I've been thinking a lot about things I've done while drunk (something I rarely let myself think about before becoming sober)
It's really hard, but also motivating to never ever revisit that place again. Thanks for having the courage to share -- another great reason to stay sober!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
HAHAHAH!!!
yes.
yes.
Regards
Bill ("And so to bed!")
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
My worst moment, many years ago, was coming home from a party... wrapped in a blanket. I have no idea where my clothes were. 
If I never drink again, I'll never again have to wake up to that feeling of dread.
If I never drink again, I'll never again have to wake up to that feeling of dread. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
I am fairly new to sobriety and I have many shameful memories that I would like to forget but in a way hope I never do. As sober time passes it gets easier to know that that shameful person wasn't really me. It was never me and the shame is more bearable. I hope I never forget.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by Mattq2
I am fairly new to sobriety and I have many shameful memories that I would like to forget but in a way hope I never do. As sober time passes it gets easier to know that that shameful person wasn't really me. It was never me and the shame is more bearable. I hope I never forget.
W.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I have similar stories. The shame was almost unbearable. But as more time goes by, I can forgive myself and look upon those episodes as stark reminders of where I never want to go again. I don't forget, but I don't dwell on it. I just keep doing the next right thing. The healing does happen.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
The point, I think, is that we've all suffered from the horrible embarrassment of our own actions. We've all felt shame. We've all done things that we really are mortified by. Those things aren't us, they are the results of addiction.
Some will say let them all go and never look back -- for me I prefer not to do that -- helping to keep me sober for 9 years now -- if it works don't fix it.
M-Bob
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I agree.
I have 'let them all go' in the sense that I've forgiven myself and put down the weight of carrying them as burdens.
I continue to keep them as part of my story, though, to inform and strengthen myself in times of doubt or temptation.
I need not suffer for them anymore. But I hold them at hand to help ensure I never suffer them all over again!
I have 'let them all go' in the sense that I've forgiven myself and put down the weight of carrying them as burdens.
I continue to keep them as part of my story, though, to inform and strengthen myself in times of doubt or temptation.
I need not suffer for them anymore. But I hold them at hand to help ensure I never suffer them all over again!
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