How to show gratitude?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
How to show gratitude?
When my husband found out about my issues around alcohol, he didn't act angry or hurt (though im sure he was). He didn't start mistrusting me (though he had a right to). He didn't belittle me, he didn't slam me for being a bad mom or wife, didn't compare me to my mother, say I was stupid, didn't try to tell me how I needed to change. He didn't pity me or lecture me. He didn't put me down or make me feel worse in any way.
He just said 'you take too much on yourself', the next day, he said he wasn't going to drink anymore. That was 3 weeks in to my sobriety.
He hasn't mentioned it much since, but he's supporting me in little ways. When we go to family events, he quickly gets me coffee or tea and supports whatever excuse I give not to drink. He cleans the house more, and helps more with our son. He lets me vent about work, and actively does stuff to keep my mind busy.
He doesn't bring it up or impose any sort of forced communication about where I'm at. He just helps me, and let's me take the lead on the kind of help I want/need.
I'm so lucky to have someone supporting me exactly the way I need to be supported. I want to do something to show him how grateful I am, but saying 'thank you' just doesn't seem like enough.
How are you showing gratitude to those who have helped you in recovery, when 'thank you' really doesn't seem to cut it?
He just said 'you take too much on yourself', the next day, he said he wasn't going to drink anymore. That was 3 weeks in to my sobriety.
He hasn't mentioned it much since, but he's supporting me in little ways. When we go to family events, he quickly gets me coffee or tea and supports whatever excuse I give not to drink. He cleans the house more, and helps more with our son. He lets me vent about work, and actively does stuff to keep my mind busy.
He doesn't bring it up or impose any sort of forced communication about where I'm at. He just helps me, and let's me take the lead on the kind of help I want/need.
I'm so lucky to have someone supporting me exactly the way I need to be supported. I want to do something to show him how grateful I am, but saying 'thank you' just doesn't seem like enough.
How are you showing gratitude to those who have helped you in recovery, when 'thank you' really doesn't seem to cut it?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
First, my 12-step answer: by living up to my amends to my husband, to the best of my ability. By changing.
My non 12-step answer: He seems to be showing his support by "doing" things for you (e.g. "Acts of Service" - see the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman) Perhaps he might like to receive gratitude/love in that way, too? If so, think about what type of food, hobbies, watching sports, movies, music, etc he likes and give him these things or go do these things with him.
The Five Love Languages are: 1)Words of affirmation; 2)Gifts; 3)Quality Time; 4)Physical touch; 5) Acts of Service. Some of us show love differently than we like to receive it, so also think which of these he likes to receive.
A thoughtful "thank you" card, with a simple note of how much these things that he is doing (list them so he knows they're being well-received) means so much to you during your sobriety and how grateful you are for his support, can speak wonders, too. Leave it on his pillow or tape it to the steering wheel of his car if you're embarrassed and want him to read it when you're not around.
Hope that helps.
My non 12-step answer: He seems to be showing his support by "doing" things for you (e.g. "Acts of Service" - see the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman) Perhaps he might like to receive gratitude/love in that way, too? If so, think about what type of food, hobbies, watching sports, movies, music, etc he likes and give him these things or go do these things with him.
The Five Love Languages are: 1)Words of affirmation; 2)Gifts; 3)Quality Time; 4)Physical touch; 5) Acts of Service. Some of us show love differently than we like to receive it, so also think which of these he likes to receive.
A thoughtful "thank you" card, with a simple note of how much these things that he is doing (list them so he knows they're being well-received) means so much to you during your sobriety and how grateful you are for his support, can speak wonders, too. Leave it on his pillow or tape it to the steering wheel of his car if you're embarrassed and want him to read it when you're not around.
Hope that helps.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sounds like you are very lucky to have such a supportive husband, that's fantastic to hear. You are right that words don't really "cut it" when it comes to paying amends/gratitude/etc.
I think the ultimate gratitude you can pay is to stay sober. And to show through your actions that being ( and staying ) sober is of the utmost importance to you. Your actions may be different depnding on what recoevery means to you - AKA what method you follow. But doing whatever you do to bolster your sobriety and doing it each and every day is what will pay long-term dividends. Being honest is very important too - both with yourself and those around you.
I think the ultimate gratitude you can pay is to stay sober. And to show through your actions that being ( and staying ) sober is of the utmost importance to you. Your actions may be different depnding on what recoevery means to you - AKA what method you follow. But doing whatever you do to bolster your sobriety and doing it each and every day is what will pay long-term dividends. Being honest is very important too - both with yourself and those around you.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It sounds as if he is looking forward and supporting a sober journey with you. The absolute greatest way to show gratitude is by staying sober. I think he wants that. Sometimes a sincere heartfelt "thank you, your gestures and support mean so much", is much more fulfilling that any gift or other gesture. Congrats to you for both your sobriety and support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Just show him that you love him by the way women show their man they love them, the small things, eg grap his hand when go for a walk, lean you head onto his shoulder ehen sitting on your couch, etc., he will realize.
If you go to formal you anchor his behavior, which gives it an "unnatural" spin.
I might be wrong, since these things are very personal and might be very different in different relationships, I just wanted to let you know my perspective.
If you go to formal you anchor his behavior, which gives it an "unnatural" spin.
I might be wrong, since these things are very personal and might be very different in different relationships, I just wanted to let you know my perspective.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'm showing my gratitude and making my living amends to various people by staying sober, working on my recovery, getting better and being present, useful, considerate and loving (none of which I could do while I was drinking ).
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I am just amazed that this sort of person exists!
I am so accustomed to the loved ones of alcoholics being codependents and enablers... it's every where you look, if you no what to look for.
This is like a painted picture of what a marriage should look like. Not to offend anyone in a marriage that doesn't have this... I didn't think this existed.
You have actually restored my faith in people today, kintsugi, thank you for sharing something positive.
I am so accustomed to the loved ones of alcoholics being codependents and enablers... it's every where you look, if you no what to look for.
This is like a painted picture of what a marriage should look like. Not to offend anyone in a marriage that doesn't have this... I didn't think this existed.
You have actually restored my faith in people today, kintsugi, thank you for sharing something positive.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
I'm showing my gratitude and making my living amends to various people by staying sober, working on my recovery, getting better and being present, useful, considerate and loving (none of which I could do while I was drinking ).
I agree with the other posts, too, like about things maybe coming across as "unnatural". All good points. Feel free to ignore my post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Centered3
I take my post back. This^ is where gratitude is at! Thanks for the reminder, Berrybean.
I agree with the other posts, too, like about things maybe coming across as "unnatural". All good points. Feel free to ignore my post.
I agree with the other posts, too, like about things maybe coming across as "unnatural". All good points. Feel free to ignore my post.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
One of my favorite movies when I first saw it was pay it forward.
https://www.unstuck.com/advice/grati...rward-is-even/
Gratitude is a give and take; gratitude is an action word. You can start by showing your gratitude through helping others.
https://www.unstuck.com/advice/grati...rward-is-even/
Gratitude is a give and take; gratitude is an action word. You can start by showing your gratitude through helping others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Your husband sounds a lot like my wife. Thank you for reminding me of that. That is the best support you can get. Room to recover.
And you are right, just saying thank you doesn't cut it. Neither does i'm sorry. As others have said, living amends.
And you are right, just saying thank you doesn't cut it. Neither does i'm sorry. As others have said, living amends.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
When I realized I had a problem with alcohol, I went to an AA meeting, came home, told my husband that I was going to try to stay sober. "I will, too," he answered. We both stopped drinking that day. I will be forever grateful for his support. I try to show my gratitude by staying sober, and by being present for both good and bad. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
iv'e always felt like marriage should be like a sleep over party at your best friends house every night. Each partner should feel as if they cant wait to do for the other. When the balance is like this it should be ideal and work out well. each showing how much they love the toehr buy an unconditional pouring our of affection and doing for each other etc..
sadly it rarely works liket his we over complicate it etc..
Point is do what you gotta do. stay sober cook him dinner do what good wives do etc... and so on. sounds like you guys can / do have a good balance going on.
sadly it rarely works liket his we over complicate it etc..
Point is do what you gotta do. stay sober cook him dinner do what good wives do etc... and so on. sounds like you guys can / do have a good balance going on.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I had made many apologies over time - the reality was I just wanted to quell the storm till it passed so I could return to old behaviors. Words alone carried little weight.
I too have an incredibly supportive spouse - thank you for sharing this today and the reminder of that. Sending my wife a text to thank her for the care and love she gives of herself to others.
Yes, staying sober is the daily action I take to along with changing my behaviors as others have posted.
The prayer of St. Francis is the root of my morning mediation. I find many truths in it .......make me an instrument of thy peace......to love as to be loved......to understand as to be understood.....it is in giving that we receive....
Pay it forward as Cap posted, yes.
Good thread, thanks
I too have an incredibly supportive spouse - thank you for sharing this today and the reminder of that. Sending my wife a text to thank her for the care and love she gives of herself to others.
Yes, staying sober is the daily action I take to along with changing my behaviors as others have posted.
The prayer of St. Francis is the root of my morning mediation. I find many truths in it .......make me an instrument of thy peace......to love as to be loved......to understand as to be understood.....it is in giving that we receive....
Pay it forward as Cap posted, yes.
Good thread, thanks
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Your post shouldn't be ignored. It had some lovely ideas. Me and my other half aren't massively romantic though so I'm not so great at those kind of things. 
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
My boyfriend and I are both in recovery. The most important way we show gratitude to each other is by working on our individual sober growth as persons, and building our relationship on that.
There are many ways we demonstrate gratitude for the unconditional love the other gives....for example, I communicate with him that isolating is one way I pull away when I am troubled and struggling; he knows the signs to look for and has learned how to come to me so I don't go too far away. My gratitude for that is immense and I show it in kind, for example, by thinking of him first when we are faced with a problem with his daughter and ex wife and how it impacts us/me (rather than going to thoughts of what I want first). Those are high level examples.
More "regular folk " stuff certainly involves me speaking his love language- primarily physical affection, and noting the times he says a particular thing really makes him feel special (like touching his nexk when driving).
Communication and paying attention are key for us- there are a million ways I can show gratitude to him from being on time (he is compulsively so) to sharing a devotional that was particularly impactful to making us dinner and staying in.....it all adds up to security and appreciation as we grow.
There are many ways we demonstrate gratitude for the unconditional love the other gives....for example, I communicate with him that isolating is one way I pull away when I am troubled and struggling; he knows the signs to look for and has learned how to come to me so I don't go too far away. My gratitude for that is immense and I show it in kind, for example, by thinking of him first when we are faced with a problem with his daughter and ex wife and how it impacts us/me (rather than going to thoughts of what I want first). Those are high level examples.
More "regular folk " stuff certainly involves me speaking his love language- primarily physical affection, and noting the times he says a particular thing really makes him feel special (like touching his nexk when driving).
Communication and paying attention are key for us- there are a million ways I can show gratitude to him from being on time (he is compulsively so) to sharing a devotional that was particularly impactful to making us dinner and staying in.....it all adds up to security and appreciation as we grow.
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