Is it even worth taken another chance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 16
Is it even worth taken another chance
I'm currently back where I was at exactly one year ago and a year ago I was back to where I was a year before that
I said last year If this Happened again I would go through with divorce for the safety of my daughter and myself
Here we are not quite even a full year later and my husband has admitted to doing drugs after weeks of denial and lots of money gone which he claims some went towards work and others toward work
I will never know full story and probably don't want to know. What I do know is the two men he associated himself with are both drug addicts one is currently in rehab and was said to have done meth in MY GARAGE. My husband swears he never did but that he did find the guys pipe in our garage. The other guy is allegedly spread false rumors on my husband but again this all comes from my husband. How can I believe anything he says. And the fact that meth was in my garage enrages me enough to go through with it
Of course now he is saying all the nice things and how sorry he is and that he can't live without us and we are his angels
Bla bla bla heard it all before but blas aside it is hard to ignore and not think he is sincere and question if I'm making a big mistake or taking a huge risk in believing him and not going through with it
I said last year If this Happened again I would go through with divorce for the safety of my daughter and myself
Here we are not quite even a full year later and my husband has admitted to doing drugs after weeks of denial and lots of money gone which he claims some went towards work and others toward work
I will never know full story and probably don't want to know. What I do know is the two men he associated himself with are both drug addicts one is currently in rehab and was said to have done meth in MY GARAGE. My husband swears he never did but that he did find the guys pipe in our garage. The other guy is allegedly spread false rumors on my husband but again this all comes from my husband. How can I believe anything he says. And the fact that meth was in my garage enrages me enough to go through with it
Of course now he is saying all the nice things and how sorry he is and that he can't live without us and we are his angels
Bla bla bla heard it all before but blas aside it is hard to ignore and not think he is sincere and question if I'm making a big mistake or taking a huge risk in believing him and not going through with it
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Tough decisions, all around, and I feel for you.
What have you been doing to work on yourself during all this? A program like AlAnon (or other codependent/for-family-of support group)?
Are you and your daughter safe- literally- right now? Questions like what do you want your life to be and should you leave with her, at least for a bit, are big and only you - and perhaps professionals you find to help you- can decide that.
Sounds like there's a whole lot here that is tough for online friends to help you go through and decide.
Lots of us have been through some version of a "repeat cycle" and ultimately, had to decide to be done, then address our part and rebuild a different life. Wishing you strength as you decide what to do.
What have you been doing to work on yourself during all this? A program like AlAnon (or other codependent/for-family-of support group)?
Are you and your daughter safe- literally- right now? Questions like what do you want your life to be and should you leave with her, at least for a bit, are big and only you - and perhaps professionals you find to help you- can decide that.
Sounds like there's a whole lot here that is tough for online friends to help you go through and decide.
Lots of us have been through some version of a "repeat cycle" and ultimately, had to decide to be done, then address our part and rebuild a different life. Wishing you strength as you decide what to do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just like domestic abuse has cycles from honeymoon sweetness to seeming normal and then serious damage and repeat...so does addiction.
You have children and meth was being smoked in your garage, probably by your husband, it doesn't matter what anyone says.
You have to decide how many cycles you are prepared to do. I don't know how old your daughter is but I shudder to thing what could happen if she came upon a piece of meth.
Your safety and that of your daughter should come first. Put some distance between you and danger. Let time and his actions speak for his sincerity, his words mean nothing when he is using.
As August suggested, there are many very good meetings that would help you find your balance and heal. Please try one..or two.
Hugs
You have children and meth was being smoked in your garage, probably by your husband, it doesn't matter what anyone says.
You have to decide how many cycles you are prepared to do. I don't know how old your daughter is but I shudder to thing what could happen if she came upon a piece of meth.
Your safety and that of your daughter should come first. Put some distance between you and danger. Let time and his actions speak for his sincerity, his words mean nothing when he is using.
As August suggested, there are many very good meetings that would help you find your balance and heal. Please try one..or two.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 7
Just here to support and commiserate MMartin. I know the cycle you're speaking of, very well. Only difference for my current cycle is that I joined Alanon and am learning how to love and value myself.
It really does hurt to think that there is so much about your H and his addiction/life you may never know... but at the same time, what will knowing do, besides hurt more? I know that I always think if I can just figure out my AH's insanity and know exactly what was going on all the time, I'd be better off, but truth is, I wouldn't. Perfect example right now, I've been obsessing over phone records for the past week wondering why he is keeping CONSTANT contact with a couple of the same phone numbers. I'm so obsessed with figuring the puzzle out and it won't fix anything to know. I already know deep down who they are and why he's constantly talking to them.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'll just KNOW when I'm done, still waiting for that lightning bolt, ha!
It really does hurt to think that there is so much about your H and his addiction/life you may never know... but at the same time, what will knowing do, besides hurt more? I know that I always think if I can just figure out my AH's insanity and know exactly what was going on all the time, I'd be better off, but truth is, I wouldn't. Perfect example right now, I've been obsessing over phone records for the past week wondering why he is keeping CONSTANT contact with a couple of the same phone numbers. I'm so obsessed with figuring the puzzle out and it won't fix anything to know. I already know deep down who they are and why he's constantly talking to them.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'll just KNOW when I'm done, still waiting for that lightning bolt, ha!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Is it even worth taken another chance
Sound easy? No, it's not, because your heart will get in the way. So take that out of the equation, and then be honest with yourself about where he is and where you are.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi MM, sounds like the cycle will continue for the foreseeable future. Possibly he is sincere about his feelings, because he has a comfortable situation, but is he going for recovery with everything he has? If not, then you have your future with him mapped out.
This is the time to look at the actions and ignore the words.
Write a list of actions you'd expect to see if he was truly chasing recovery, then compare them with the reality.
If you haven't done so already, make sure you quarantine the money you need to leave him if that's what you decide. Try not to let finances hold you back at least.
This is the time to look at the actions and ignore the words.
Write a list of actions you'd expect to see if he was truly chasing recovery, then compare them with the reality.
If you haven't done so already, make sure you quarantine the money you need to leave him if that's what you decide. Try not to let finances hold you back at least.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
please come out of the fog
The Abusive Cycle ? Out of the FOG
We all had to educate ourselves first in order to understand
the scope of the problem. Please keep you & your daughter safe
above all.
The Abusive Cycle ? Out of the FOG
We all had to educate ourselves first in order to understand
the scope of the problem. Please keep you & your daughter safe
above all.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Derby, UK
Posts: 203
I'm sorry for the pain and confusion that you're going through. No one can tell you what to do in your own marriage, only you will know what is best for you all. Just please be safe for your own sake and that of your child.
My ex and I went through the same cycle, round and round for 7 years. I loved him and wanted to believe him and wanted to make things works. For us it couldn't work, too much had happened and although he eventually went to rehab and is now 18 months clean any trust was gone and the relationship was too damaged to repair. He left me for someone else whilst he was in rehab. At the time I was devastated but now look upon it as a blessing as I didn't have the strength to walk away from a situation that could never have worked for us.
My girls, 10 and 6, are now much happier than they were when we were together and they as well as me have started to heal from the trauma that they went through.
I wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide to do. Prayers coming your way xx
My ex and I went through the same cycle, round and round for 7 years. I loved him and wanted to believe him and wanted to make things works. For us it couldn't work, too much had happened and although he eventually went to rehab and is now 18 months clean any trust was gone and the relationship was too damaged to repair. He left me for someone else whilst he was in rehab. At the time I was devastated but now look upon it as a blessing as I didn't have the strength to walk away from a situation that could never have worked for us.
My girls, 10 and 6, are now much happier than they were when we were together and they as well as me have started to heal from the trauma that they went through.
I wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide to do. Prayers coming your way xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
History doesn't repeat itself............people repeat history.
This is just my opinion.............he continues to do drugs because he's an addict and because he knows you won't leave him. Much like his words of "I'll stop I promise" and your words of "if he does it again I'm leaving" for both of you none of your words mean a thing.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
This is just my opinion.............he continues to do drugs because he's an addict and because he knows you won't leave him. Much like his words of "I'll stop I promise" and your words of "if he does it again I'm leaving" for both of you none of your words mean a thing.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 18
Sounds like where I'm at- take the risk or not. What's the pros and cons... And will staying get you the husband, marriage, father you want one day with your husband?.... Who knows. It's hard to take a leap of faith but I feel if I've been questioning it now for a year... I should probably do it but a piece of me says what if he stops and we are back to the way we were before, when this drug wasn't involved - that would be nice. Maybe it's just a nice dream though.
It's a tough question and only you can make that decision.
It's a tough question and only you can make that decision.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
There would be no coming back from meth smoking in garage for me.
There was no coming back from this relapse for me.
If he were to graduate to hard drugs earlier in his addict career - he would be given a boot right there and then. I do not want legal trouble or CPS visits because my significant other chooses to do drugs.
There was no coming back from this relapse for me.
If he were to graduate to hard drugs earlier in his addict career - he would be given a boot right there and then. I do not want legal trouble or CPS visits because my significant other chooses to do drugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
a piece of me says what if he stops and we are back to the way we were before, when this drug wasn't involved - that would be nice.
Many things to consider when trying to decide to remain in an unhealthy relationship or leave…
The booze/drugs are symptoms of a much deeper issue. The drugs don’t make a drug addict their need to escape reality does.
Removing the drug still leaves the root issue. That’s why a recovery program is extremely important to go in conjunction with abstaining.
An addict who truly wants recovery must devote pretty much all of their time working hard towards that especially in the first year or two. Where we just want things to go back to normal, and normal becomes something new, that's why it's so important that we work our own plan of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Mmartin.
If you said last year that if it happened again, you were done. Then it's up to you to save you and your daughter by enforcing what you said you'd do.
It's that simple. And it's that difficult.
If you said last year that if it happened again, you were done. Then it's up to you to save you and your daughter by enforcing what you said you'd do.
It's that simple. And it's that difficult.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by atalose 
History doesn't repeat itself............people repeat history.
This is just my opinion.............he continues to do drugs because he's an addict and because he knows you won't leave him. Much like his words of "I'll stop I promise" and your words of "if he does it again I'm leaving" for both of you none of your words mean a thing.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
This is just my opinion.............he continues to do drugs because he's an addict and because he knows you won't leave him. Much like his words of "I'll stop I promise" and your words of "if he does it again I'm leaving" for both of you none of your words mean a thing.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
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