Back again- totally ashamed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: midwest
Posts: 24
Back again- totally ashamed
Here I am. Back again. Haven't posted since 2012. Just click on my username and read the history. I am losing my mind. I feel so trapped. No matter how much I alter my mind, I can only escape the guilty negative ashamed thoughts about 50% of the time.
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
https://youtu.be/jMAHGZYoU-U
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
https://youtu.be/jMAHGZYoU-U
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: midwest
Posts: 24
I figured this was too abrasive. Was just typing out my thoughts. Nobody wants to reply (being able to see how many have read this sucks) and I totally get it. I think I will just delete it. Sorry for the crazy rant.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 8
Don't.
Don't delete it.
Maybe it's just a slow day here, there's a lot of people reading other people's threads, but might not have anything constructive to say.
Hold on, be patient.
I'd offer up a fat slice of advice myself but I'm early days clean and completely losing my mind so I'm afraid I won't be much help. But there are and will be soon.
I fully get your need to snort. I used to be that way a few years back. With Ritalins and Oxys, started as a teen on the old coke.I'd rail anything, it was a bit of a 'party trick'. That's before I began injecting. Then I never thought about it.
But then I got side hooked on that too. Do you know, I once considered and came very close to injecting plain old distilled water. Just so I could see the rosette, the sensation of something, anything going in. Man what a nutcase.
Look don't listen to me, but I think as addicts. Proper addicts, which I'm afraid you are love, we can get hooked on just about anything. If I find a new certain type of food I like, say teriyaki chicken. I'll have it 5 days a week until I'm sick of the sight of it. And so on, and so on, and so on.
We're told to do what makes you feel good. They don't tell you the terms and conditions, like the 'i before e except after c' bull****
Look I'm sorry I can't help, but one thing I think I'm learning, is that it's more, much more than just the drugs.
Hell even your hospital visits are in themselves an addiction. Do you feel immediately a few stages better once you get the script, before even filling it.
Try looking at it from a different perspective maybe?
Maybe it's just a slow day here, there's a lot of people reading other people's threads, but might not have anything constructive to say.
Hold on, be patient.
I'd offer up a fat slice of advice myself but I'm early days clean and completely losing my mind so I'm afraid I won't be much help. But there are and will be soon.
I fully get your need to snort. I used to be that way a few years back. With Ritalins and Oxys, started as a teen on the old coke.I'd rail anything, it was a bit of a 'party trick'. That's before I began injecting. Then I never thought about it.
But then I got side hooked on that too. Do you know, I once considered and came very close to injecting plain old distilled water. Just so I could see the rosette, the sensation of something, anything going in. Man what a nutcase.
Look don't listen to me, but I think as addicts. Proper addicts, which I'm afraid you are love, we can get hooked on just about anything. If I find a new certain type of food I like, say teriyaki chicken. I'll have it 5 days a week until I'm sick of the sight of it. And so on, and so on, and so on.
We're told to do what makes you feel good. They don't tell you the terms and conditions, like the 'i before e except after c' bull****
Look I'm sorry I can't help, but one thing I think I'm learning, is that it's more, much more than just the drugs.
Hell even your hospital visits are in themselves an addiction. Do you feel immediately a few stages better once you get the script, before even filling it.
Try looking at it from a different perspective maybe?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: midwest
Posts: 24
Thank you for your response. I'm the same way- anything I love, I want in excess- whether it's food, a person or a substance. I've spent too much $ having sushi salmon maki rolls delivered to me all summer. I had no control. Thanks for your response. Made me feel not so alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 140
Hi Lost look at the thread about kicking 75 Vicodins a day.
You're at the same place many of us hit when we finally quit.
The drug just isn't doing it for us anymore and it's time to stop.
Every one of us is just like you in so many ways... just realize you're not alone here.
Some how... some way... you need to stop taking the drugs. You've hit the wall.
I got up to 75 Vicodins a day because I was chasing the dragon. Once pills became easy to find well then here I GO!!!
But there is a limit to what the human body can take and our addiction will take us to that limit.
Looks like you're there.
Think about quitting. It's time. Therapy and NA meetings. You can quit and no one close to you needs to know unless you want them to.
Don't stop coming here. We're all a bunch of addicts.
You're at the same place many of us hit when we finally quit.
The drug just isn't doing it for us anymore and it's time to stop.
Every one of us is just like you in so many ways... just realize you're not alone here.
Some how... some way... you need to stop taking the drugs. You've hit the wall.
I got up to 75 Vicodins a day because I was chasing the dragon. Once pills became easy to find well then here I GO!!!
But there is a limit to what the human body can take and our addiction will take us to that limit.
Looks like you're there.
Think about quitting. It's time. Therapy and NA meetings. You can quit and no one close to you needs to know unless you want them to.
Don't stop coming here. We're all a bunch of addicts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fleeing Temptation in PTZ
Posts: 168
.
We know of so many that ruined their lives and died from devastating false euphoria. Especially the famous; including Prince.
Knowing this, couldn't your subconscious motivation possibly be self- torture, abuse, and death?
I wonder if my own is so. . .But I stopped, and got clarity to enjoy life sober.
Do you also see that you're probably less than a 1% US minority. Or 99% are not opioid abusers.
If most people see opioid addiction as hell and death, don't the 1% also?
They must, and so are seeking death that way . . .
.
.
We know of so many that ruined their lives and died from devastating false euphoria. Especially the famous; including Prince.
Knowing this, couldn't your subconscious motivation possibly be self- torture, abuse, and death?
I wonder if my own is so. . .But I stopped, and got clarity to enjoy life sober.
Do you also see that you're probably less than a 1% US minority. Or 99% are not opioid abusers.
If most people see opioid addiction as hell and death, don't the 1% also?
They must, and so are seeking death that way . . .
.
.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Lost - the forum is substantially slower than in was in 2012 from what I can remember. There are many people that just lurk here, and never post.
Judging from your post it sounds like you are getting to a point where your using life is becoming unsustainable. My personal experience is that my active using got worse over time. My dosages went up over time. My route of administration got more intense over time. My drug of choice became stronger over time. It is a one way street until I reached the point where I just couldn't go on any more.
You went to a counselor and set up a plan, right? Recovery is about action. What can you do right now to start putting that plan into action?
Have you tried AA/NA meetings? If not, maybe you should check them out and look for a sponsor. There are plenty of sponsors that specialize in whipping people into shape.
Judging from your post it sounds like you are getting to a point where your using life is becoming unsustainable. My personal experience is that my active using got worse over time. My dosages went up over time. My route of administration got more intense over time. My drug of choice became stronger over time. It is a one way street until I reached the point where I just couldn't go on any more.
You went to a counselor and set up a plan, right? Recovery is about action. What can you do right now to start putting that plan into action?
Have you tried AA/NA meetings? If not, maybe you should check them out and look for a sponsor. There are plenty of sponsors that specialize in whipping people into shape.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by lostinthedeep 
Here I am. Back again. Haven't posted since 2012. Just click on my username and read the history. I am losing my mind. I feel so trapped. No matter how much I alter my mind, I can only escape the guilty negative ashamed thoughts about 50% of the time.
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
https://youtu.be/jMAHGZYoU-U
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
https://youtu.be/jMAHGZYoU-U
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
I'm going to come to you as a mom, the mother of a heroin addict.
It will kill her if she finds out you needed help and didn't feel like you could come to her. She will be your biggest support, you best fan and strongest prayer warrior. It will kill her if you od. It will kill her if she finds out how much you have been hurting and she couldn't help. You won't destroy your family. Our family has rallied around my son. He sought rehab because we helped love him through it. Talk to your mom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hi Lost.....
I would have responded sooner to your post, but I wasn't on here yesterday. This forum is kinda quiet, too. I remember when I first came on, I thought no one wanted to talk to me, either. But, I've made some friends now, and met some really nce people. So, please be patient and hang in here with us. Please. it's worth it.
I am so glad you are here.
I'm newly sober off opiates, and I am still having some struggles, but I wanted you to know how much I relate to your posts. I felt so scared and addicted when I first came here, I didn't know what was up. But, slowly, over time, things have gotten a little better. I wish I had some amazing advice to offer, but I'm still really new to this sober thing.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. And that, even if you don't believe me now, it will get better if you just don't use. Sounds so easy, right?? When I first came here, people told me these same things, and I just thought it was like that for other people, but not me. But, now I have over 30 days sober. How I got here, I'm not real sure, but I do know If not for SR, I would not be here now.
Message me anytime if you want to talk.
And stick around!!
I would have responded sooner to your post, but I wasn't on here yesterday. This forum is kinda quiet, too. I remember when I first came on, I thought no one wanted to talk to me, either. But, I've made some friends now, and met some really nce people. So, please be patient and hang in here with us. Please. it's worth it.
I am so glad you are here.
I'm newly sober off opiates, and I am still having some struggles, but I wanted you to know how much I relate to your posts. I felt so scared and addicted when I first came here, I didn't know what was up. But, slowly, over time, things have gotten a little better. I wish I had some amazing advice to offer, but I'm still really new to this sober thing.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. And that, even if you don't believe me now, it will get better if you just don't use. Sounds so easy, right?? When I first came here, people told me these same things, and I just thought it was like that for other people, but not me. But, now I have over 30 days sober. How I got here, I'm not real sure, but I do know If not for SR, I would not be here now.
Message me anytime if you want to talk.
And stick around!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Miami Florida
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by lostinthedeep
Here I am. Back again. Haven't posted since 2012. Just click on my username and read the history. I am losing my mind. I feel so trapped. No matter how much I alter my mind, I can only escape the guilty negative ashamed thoughts about 50% of the time.
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
It's been 6 years now. 6 years addicted to opiates. Taking them every day I'm able. I have not been off them altogether since I posted here 4 years ago. The major major mistake I made was starting to snort them. I'm so addicted to snorting them now that I actually am bent out of shape having to take anything w/Tylenol cuz I can't snort it (my dealer who is supposedly also my friend can only get a certain amount each month- and they're without APAP- I typically overdo it and have like 4 days where I gotta pretend I'm in severe pain at the doc's office to get a script for 15 Percocet or whatever they'll give me to tide me over. I'm a very good actress, I guess. Only twice out of probably 100 visits have I been denied a narc. It only makes me feel worse.
It's so heavy on my soul. I know I'm ashamed of myself. I know that I've wasted years of my life. I know my addiction stems from being very afraid- of everything. Existential dread, etc. I've always had intense anxiety. I think so much it eats me up inside- I just want to escape that feeling. I've been drinking A TON too. Like 2 bottles of wine a night. On top of an 80mg oxy habit. FOR OVER A YEAR. I got all my stuff checked out- full blood panel- my liver is fine and everything is gravy. I cried when I got those results- I was HOPING they would be bad so I'd have a reason to quit and get my **** together.
Nobody knows. Still. Maybe they suspect. My nose is always running or stuffy, but I've always had sinus problems (before the snorting) and I blame it on that. NOBODY KNOWS but who I buy them from. If and when everyone finds out, they will never trust me again. Someone on drugs for 6 years and doesn't tell you....
It's gotten bad. I just get home from work and drink wine in front of TV, snorting 10mg of oxy every 2-3 hrs. It doesn't give me the same energy it used to. I would rather be home. I'm just a slave to my addictions.
I dream almost every night about pills - finding pills, being caught, etc.
What's going to stop me in a couple days from diving right back in when he gets his next bunch?
I don't understand why something bad hasn't happened yet. How do I always get my way and get by? I feel like Jesse in this scene from Breaking Bad- no, I haven't killed anyone or ever been a dealer- but being an addict is a bad thing- and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
Is it awful it's like I'm kind of wishing something bad does happen???
I'm losing my mind. I went to a walk-in crisis clinic a year ago and told a counselor EVERYTHING- I cried and cried and we came up with a plan and I was too chicken **** and proud(?) more like ashamed to get the ball rolling.
I don't want to destroy my mom. Or my family. I need to cut my boyfriend loose since he has no idea and he really should after 5 years!!! I also am haunted by having babies. He doesn't want them. I think I do. Or maybe it's just my maternal clock ticking or whatever since I'm 34. But I'm thinking I'm going to end up completely overcome with regret and ruined. It's already started. I need someone to whip me into shape. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this and hopeless. This secret is going to kill me. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I type this. What do I do???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 40
Lost,
I am not an addict but the wife of one.
I was shattered when I found out my husband of 1 year (boyfriend of 6 years) had been using for 3 years of our relationship. I decided to stick by his side and so did his parents. He is currently fresh into starting his recovery..its a rocky ride for him and It's been the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm still here! If you decide to tell your loved ones about your addiction, I pray that they will give you the love and support you deserve. I do not think anyone needs to go through this alone. Possibly see the counsellor again, you took the leap once already, keep at it.
Praying for you
I am not an addict but the wife of one.
I was shattered when I found out my husband of 1 year (boyfriend of 6 years) had been using for 3 years of our relationship. I decided to stick by his side and so did his parents. He is currently fresh into starting his recovery..its a rocky ride for him and It's been the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm still here! If you decide to tell your loved ones about your addiction, I pray that they will give you the love and support you deserve. I do not think anyone needs to go through this alone. Possibly see the counsellor again, you took the leap once already, keep at it.
Praying for you
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