britgirl

Hey guys I haven't posted for a while but would like some of your wisdom again if you have the time please. It's been a year since my ex and father of my 6 year old daughter left me for someone else whilst he was in rehab for cocaine, alcohol and gambling.

Surprisingly this post is not about him, he is now 18 months sober, working hard on his recovery and acting like a father to his daughter. We have made a kind of peace and I finally came to a point where I thought I might be ready to meet someone else. And herein lies the next instalment of my f***ed up life.

So being a single mum and not having a great deal of time to actually get out and meet people I thought I'd try an online dating site. Honestly within a couple of days I'd had enough of it and the bizarre requests I was getting but then I found a very sweet and down to earth message in my inbox from a gorgeous man who seemingly had it all. He was attractive, intelligent, funny and on the surface (at this point) extremely solvent.

Over the next couple of weeks we messaged and talked on the phone daily and I couldn't have been happier with how things were going. We arranged a first date and were both really nervous as we liked one another so much. It was at this point he told me that he would love to take me somewhere fancy but as he hadn't worked since February and had spent all his savings on a house for his ex and kids to live in after they split that he couldn't. In his line of work a long gap between contracts isn't unusual and not usually a problem financially as it's very well paid work. I said "hey don't worry I'll pay, I know you'd do it for me if the roles were reversed" and so that's how it was. It was the best night out I'd had for many years and possibly the best date I've ever been on. We laughed the whole time and got along so well and I like the fool I am was already part way smitten and so it seemed was he.

The next day he told me we needed to talk. It turns out that he'd only split from his wife 7 months ago, the reason being that she cheated on him while he was working away in Saudi the year before but here's the best bit. His response to this was to start partying and snorting cocaine to "escape" the pain and within 9 months he'd spent roughly £60,000 cash, sold his 30k Range Rover and 40k BMW to get more money for coke. The 6 bed 6 bath family home went and he was now living in the spare room at a friends house in my home town as he couldn't go back to his because he owed too much money to local dealers!!!!

When I met him he'd been clean two months and claimed that he didn't believe he was an addict it was just an extreme reaction to the emotional pain. He assured me it was over, his marriage was 100% over and that he would never do it again. Like the desperate lonely fool I am I believed him, because I wanted too. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I'm taking him to job interviews and paying for more dates and he's promising me the earth once he gets back to work.

At this point I notice a change in his behaviour as he starts contacting me less and on a couple of occasions let's me down when we're supposed to meet. I ask him if he'd like to cool things and he assure me no and I swallow it all up.

He gets a job, (highly paid) and i take him out to celebrate. He turns up 2 hours late and the minute he gets in the car i know he's coked up, I say nothing and he confesses within minutes, he's ashamed etc etc it's just a blip, he'll never do it again, he just got carried away as his old friend came over with coke assuming he'd want to celebrate getting a new job that way.

He's sorry, he has strong feelings for me and has missed me terribly (his words) and I still want to believe it. He spends the night and we sleep together for the first time (I know, I know, what the hell is wrong with me right). He spends the next morning feeling sick and sweating between passing out cold in my bed. I'm not happy and I tell him I can't accept that again as I've had it before. He tells me it'll never happen again and he feels like crap about what he's done.

I take him home and he sleeps for the rest of the day. I message him to wish him good luck on the start of his new job the next day and I get "thanks, don't hate me, but I'm not ready for a woman in my life with everything I have going on. Please make this easier and delete my number and I'll do the same". I'm devastated by the callousness of this behaviour and also pretty sure that he wants no contact as he's trying to get back with his wife. I feel like the biggest fool that ever walked the earth and the worst thing is that I actually miss this person that could do this to me. I hate myself for thinking so little of myself to get myself here again. I'm so sad and low about the situation and I suppose I just really want someone to confirm that the drugs will have had an effect on his mind and that it's not just me that is too awful to be with. It's been a huge reminder of what I went through with my ex and I think it's started the grieving process for that relationship off all over again. I'm so sorry for for rambling, I just really need some help folks. TThank you, Brit xx

Maudcat

Oh, uck. Sorry this happened. Perils of online dating. There are some creeps out there. It isn't you. It's him. Peace.

Ann

I am sorry for all you have been through....and no you're not a fool, just someone who missed about 20 red flags. They get easier to spot over time.

Take the lesson and run, girl! It was a horrible mistake and the guy, even at his best, is doing what addicts do. It's not about you, it's about his own selfish, deceitful, don't care who he hurts, way. Shame on him and good riddance. Keep walking and don't look back.

This might be a good time to do some quality work on yourself. Maybe find a meeting and begin working a program that will help you reclaim your self-esteem and learn to be happy without anyone else in your life for a while. Once you are healthy you will make healthier choices, that's how it works.

Life brings us strangely wrapped gifts sometimes, and the gift in all this may be a wake up call to let you know that only you hold the key to your happiness.

Hugs

Littlemess25

Honestly I will give you words I personally live by.

Do not compromise your heart.
A lot of bad people will cross our paths on the journey home, and it may not always be profitable for us, but for them. You clearly have a good heart and he needed that at the time. I would not 'feel like the biggest fool' because you have a good heart. Sometimes the wrong people will be attracted to it, and this will most likely not be the last time. Even going forward, may not be intimate crossings, but friends, family, neighbors etc. The universe has a way with bringing people together for one reason or another.
In this case it sounds like he needed your heart
You needed to gain strength.

Sending you love & light. Do not compromise your heart. It was given to you for a reason and someone somewhere will one day return the love you have to give.

britgirl

Thanks Ann. It was a horrible, horrible mistake and i feel so stupid. After everything I've already been through I walked straight into it with open eyes again.

And once again I'm convinced that it's me that's the problem and that he will walk of into the sunset clean, financially solvent and in a state of newly repaired marital bliss. Crazy I know.

I'd love to get to meetings but i have absolutely no one to have my girls in the evenings and in any case we only have one meeting a week in this area and it clashes with work.

Feel so stuck right now.

britgirl

Littlemess25, thanks for your reply.

I think I have a good heart, well I try anyway, and I try to help people out because I've been in situations where I desperately needed a friend and didn't have one. I think that maybe I give too much and it scares people off or they see kindness as weakness and just don't see this as an attractive prospect. I really don't know, just feeling bruised right now I guess.

Maudcat

My best friend met a guy--face2face--not online, I mean. He was a bit older than she is, so there's that. They went out a couple of times, and he revealed that he "drank more than he should" but that he felt "she could inspire him to drink less." Sheesh. Red flag #1. They went out a little more--daytime dates--and he asked her to lend him some money. (She didn't). Red flag #2. Their final date occurred when she agreed to meet him at a street festival, and another woman, clearly annoyed by my friend's appearance, showed up as well. Can you imagine? Crazy world. Al-Anon has online meetings, if you are interested. Good luck.

dandylion

britgirl.....think about your priorities.....
If you had time to go out on dates and to drive this guy around and money to spend on dates with him....
You can spend that time going to an alanon meeting, and a counselor and get a babysitter, for the kids, to do so.......

britgirl

Thanks for your reply dandelion. I do see a councillor once a week which is very helpful but not sure it's enough at the minute. In the area of the U.K. I'm in we genuinely only have one alanon meeting a week which is on a Monday night and it clashes with work commitments or I would definitely attend.

Dates were at the weekends when the girls were at their Dad's and the crazy thing is I couldn't really afford it at all, really don't know what I was playing at, am so angry at myself.

I may see if I can find an online meeting as I know that I need some help.

zoso77

I think one of the best decisions I made in the wake of breaking up with my AXGF was to not get involved with anyone romantically for a long, long time.

And during that time, I got a lot accomplished. Professionally, I reclaimed my career. Academically, I completed graduate school. And on a personal level, I did a lot of introspection and got honest with myself about why I made the choices I did. I didn't miss being with anyone. I didn't have the bandwidth for it. It's funny, my clinician visited me at my new loft last weekend, and she reminded me that my biggest accomplishment was not a professional or an academic one, but the fact that I did the work to put myself into a position to do those things. I recovered from a very traumatic ordeal with an addict.

Anyways, a long, long time turned out to be a month shy of four years. I'm dating a wonderful, wonderful woman, and we'll likely be engaged by the end of the year, but no later than January. The reason why it's working out this well is because she and I are coming from a place of mutual respect. That means, in part, we respect each other's boundaries. And we have our own lives outside of our relationship. All the stumbles and missteps I've made in the past are things I've learned from.

So...take stock...think about what kind of person you want to be going forward...learn to be comfortable on your own and in your own skin...and then, when you're ready to be with someone, you'll know...

britgirl

Thanks zoso. I know you're right and I intend to try and work on myself for the foreseeable future. I'm thinking of a return to education to retrain as my kids are now that little bit older and my health seems to be better the last 3 months or so.

I'd been single a year and thought I was healing well but this last episode has really set me back and made me realise how much work I still have to do. 7 years with an abusive addict really took its toll and I think I'm only just beginning to see quiet how hard it all hit me.

I get so lonely sometimes but realise now that I need to find peace within before i contemplate another relationship.

Thanks for all your comments people, each and every one is much appreciated.

Mountainmanbob

The facts shared in your thread point to the facts being regarding this guy -- is not truthful and a self centered human being.

Says he's not an addict ?
He sure carries a lot of the traits.

Since you are kind of new to dating.
Please note --
With so many (worrying signs)
showing up so early in a relationship
might be best to run for your life ?

Just because we like somebody
doesn't mean we have to be with them.

Just because we love somebody
doesn't mean we have to be with them.

M-Bob

britgirl

Thanks mountainman. I think blowing 100k in 9 months is a pretty serious addiction problem. Turning up to a date high despite saying you're done with it probably also points to it, I don't know I just get confused by the whole thing to be honest.

I'm gonna try and learn to guard my heart, I give too much too quickly and it's not good for me.

dandylion

britgirl.....I think that I might have sounded a bit abrupt, to you, in my post.
I was a single mother, quite a few years ago (my kids are adults, now). They were very young, at the time....
I can relate to your description of being "lonely", as a single mother. For sure, your life is much more scheduled than the average single person. That is a fact!
I remember it so well.
In addition, I eventually, went back to school and finished an intensive, almost 3yr. graduate level program to advance in my career (I needed the earnings!).

The thing that I remember, vividly, was the need for "adult" companionship...something aside from the kids and my work.

My saving grace was..guess what...My girlfrifends! Mostly, other single mothers, with a couple of still married mothers, thrown in. They were, mostly, the other single mothers from the same school and daycare that my children attended. We supported each other sooo much. We took turns babysitting for each other. We shared so much child care, together. We cried together and laughed together.
sometimes, one mother would have a sleepover for the kids at her home, while the others would go together..out dancing for the evening, in a group.
We filled up each others lonliness during a time that was a struggle for each of us.

My suggestion, to you, would be to cultivate friendships outside of committed male relationships during the time that you are working on yourself and your own independence.
Trust me...the kind of man you would want will be there when you are ready to enter a relationship and know how to protect yourself and your sovereignty.....
You still have a lot of time for that....

britgirl

Thanks dandelion. You probably gave me the kick up the ass I needed as I've now found a couple of online alanon meetings that fit round my work and general mothering schedule and I'm going to "attend" my first one on Sunday when the girls are at their Dads.

The majority of my friends are married but I've recently become friendly with a couple of single mums from my daughter's school so may see if they'd like to get together and do something. New friendships are always welcome and they can sometimes open up new avenues for all involved.

Money is a huge issue for me right now and I worry about it a lot. I feel guilty that I can't do more things with the girls as I'm too busy just making ends meet. They're happy though so I think I just have to stop being so hard on myself and start searching for new opportunities.

Thank you all so much for your help, you don't know how much it means to me.

dandylion

britgirl......now, there is the positive attitude!!

Lol...I, during those years, became a sort of expert on how to do things with kids that cost little or nothing.....You would be amazed at what some creativity can do.
Now, my grown kids remember those years as "fun" years, from their own memories.
We took so many trips to the zoo that we practically could name the animals.
We always made gifts from inexpensive materials for the holidays...and, the kids loved it. Candle making was the best!
I took them for picnics, everywhere there was a piece of grass...even if it was just hotdogs and beans.
I read from classic books to them at night, around the kitchen table, with popcorn or hot chocolate, after their baths. Books like Aesop's Fables, and Wizard of Oz, and Charles Dickens....
You get the picture.....
Sometimes, we would just go for a drive and sing to the radio, in the car.

It doesn't have to cost money, as long as you are doing it together....that is the part that they will remember.....

Hechosedrugs

Dandylion, this made me smile. I'm noticing my divorce has made me a much better mom, as I'm constantly on the lookout for fun activities and experiences. My kids have been drawing me pictures lately and they're always of things we've done together, like me teaching them how to dive, going to church or reading. It makes me realize that on some level they do see all that I do for them. I get so worked up thinking that they might prefer being with their dad over me- but if they were to draw pictures of their time with them it would just be them sitting at the computer or TV with dad and his friends in the background.

Britgirl, I'm sorry you fell into an addict's trap again, but kudos to you for getting out sooner this time around!

britgirl

It's amazing when your kids appreciate the small things you do for them. Today we went to the £2 cinema showing and later We went on a free hallowe'en ghost walk (kid version) earlier tonight and they are both swearing it's their best day ever.

britgirl

Thanks hechosedrugs. I got out through luck rather than judgement but this time I did let him go, no asking what I did, no trying to fix him even though every part of me was crying out to. I guess this is progress in a small way.