When I knew it was over
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I knew...
It was over when ah was trying to make up bad behavior from the previous day which of course he always did - we had decided to go down to the marina for dinner and I drove my new car over there instead of the golf cart because my back was hurt . My first really nice car for my real estate business. I worked really hard to get it. I had a rule that there would be no drinking in my new car - he had agreed no big deal -he got in with a can of beer and I said I don't want that beer in here please you know the rule - he got in told me to get over it - I should have not gone - we drove around to the marina him lecturing at me the whole time about how selfish I am and he can drink where he wants and anyway he waxed my car so he has rights- he gets out of the car walks in without me - I drag myself out of the car with my pillow so I could go in- we sat down at dinner and I said it was so hurtful what you said in the car and he yells in front of everyone in my neighborhood - f*** you Susan you're such a b****. I got up grabbed my pillow and left him there. I have not looked back- you get to your breaking point where there's one last thing and you're like that's it - I waited way way way too long but am so grateful I finally saw the light the very very bright light.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Expanding 
It was a hot summer beach day and I just wanted to go home. We had both had a lot to drink and had been in the sun since 8 or 9 AM that morning. I really wanted to leave. I was the driver (as usual, the ex did not have a license) and I wanted to get home , take a shower and just relax. Also as per usual, I found myself needing to scream at him in order to get him to understand that we were leaving, NOW.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I guess my story is a little different because my alcoholic is my mom. I went no contact with she and my enabling father about 8 months ago. It was Easter Sunday. My family and I had gone to my parents' house to visit. My sister and her family were staying with them. The visit went reasonably well. In fact, driving on the way home my husband remarked that it had been a fine, no drama day. I remember thinking about that and how our holidays were always hijacked by wondering which way it was going to go with my alcoholic mom's behavior. I remember thinking that it really wasn't fair that we were "relieved" when she was reasonably behaved. That we shouldn't have to spend our holidays "in hope" that events would be "fine."
Anyway, in the middle of that night, I received one of the worst phone calls of my life. My mother was in a mean, callous drunken mood and was informing me that she and my sister had gotten into an argument and that my sister had gone missing in her pjs, without her purse or phone. The police, my father and my brother-in-law were all searching the beach for my sister. My mother was on the phone with me, matter-the-factly saying that I needed to be there for my mother, that my mother didn't want to alarm me, but it was like my sister was saying "good-bye." My mother was in CYA mode putting my sister and her husband down in the meanest of ways. She was not in any way interested in looking for my sister. I was absolutely hysterical. Luckily, my sister was found, physically unharmed. A complete, total calmness came over me that night after I knew my sister was alright and I had such complete clarity that I would no longer accept any more of the drama and abuse that comes with my mother's issues. I would no longer expose myself or my family to the pain and suffering and unpredictability that comes from loving an alcoholic.
I used to read this forum a lot but I left it in January, feeling like I had everything under "control." Since most of the people on this forum are in marriages or partnerships with alcoholics, I often felt I couldn't relate. I would look at their stories and think, "GET OUT! Why would you subject yourself to this horrible relationship?" I never really saw that I was just the same.
When the light bulb goes off, when the clarity is so bright it almost blinds you, when your pitcher of tolerance is so full it can't possibly take another drop, there is also a steadfast calm serenity of just knowing. I guess it is surrender and it is such a relief.
Anyway, in the middle of that night, I received one of the worst phone calls of my life. My mother was in a mean, callous drunken mood and was informing me that she and my sister had gotten into an argument and that my sister had gone missing in her pjs, without her purse or phone. The police, my father and my brother-in-law were all searching the beach for my sister. My mother was on the phone with me, matter-the-factly saying that I needed to be there for my mother, that my mother didn't want to alarm me, but it was like my sister was saying "good-bye." My mother was in CYA mode putting my sister and her husband down in the meanest of ways. She was not in any way interested in looking for my sister. I was absolutely hysterical. Luckily, my sister was found, physically unharmed. A complete, total calmness came over me that night after I knew my sister was alright and I had such complete clarity that I would no longer accept any more of the drama and abuse that comes with my mother's issues. I would no longer expose myself or my family to the pain and suffering and unpredictability that comes from loving an alcoholic.
I used to read this forum a lot but I left it in January, feeling like I had everything under "control." Since most of the people on this forum are in marriages or partnerships with alcoholics, I often felt I couldn't relate. I would look at their stories and think, "GET OUT! Why would you subject yourself to this horrible relationship?" I never really saw that I was just the same.
When the light bulb goes off, when the clarity is so bright it almost blinds you, when your pitcher of tolerance is so full it can't possibly take another drop, there is also a steadfast calm serenity of just knowing. I guess it is surrender and it is such a relief.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I agree about making it a sticky!
I knew 8 years into marriage when we had two small children and I was so emotionally beat up after how he treated me through a few major events, that I knew in my heart I couldn't trust him with my inner self anymore. It was a very clarifying moment, where I made the conscious choice that I could be okay without that "connection". I took my emotional self back--but my physical self stayed 10 years longer "for the kids" and "because I promised".
Ten years later when I was in many ways much healthier and in other ways much sicker, and when he was verbally attacking our kids and spiraling into drugs and carrying on an affair and wouldn't come home to the place we had moved for HIS JOB that was 1,000 miles from family and friends...I woke up one day, walked into an attorney's office, filed for divorce, and moved my kids back home. I never looked back. My entire being was done in an instant. No regrets. No contact. No more pain.
I knew 8 years into marriage when we had two small children and I was so emotionally beat up after how he treated me through a few major events, that I knew in my heart I couldn't trust him with my inner self anymore. It was a very clarifying moment, where I made the conscious choice that I could be okay without that "connection". I took my emotional self back--but my physical self stayed 10 years longer "for the kids" and "because I promised".
Ten years later when I was in many ways much healthier and in other ways much sicker, and when he was verbally attacking our kids and spiraling into drugs and carrying on an affair and wouldn't come home to the place we had moved for HIS JOB that was 1,000 miles from family and friends...I woke up one day, walked into an attorney's office, filed for divorce, and moved my kids back home. I never looked back. My entire being was done in an instant. No regrets. No contact. No more pain.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I'm still thinking about this question, to which I posted once, above. If there was an 'aha' moment for me, it was the evening my STBXAH texted me to see if it was okay if he went to a Smart Recovery meeting after work. I said yes, of course, and told him he would get a special reward (something guys like a lot) that night.
He didn't come home, however, until a couple of hours after the meeting had ended, and he had clearly been drinking. He got no reward.
When I asked him the next day what had happened, he said he had had a drink after work with a friend, felt bad so texted me and went to the meeting, walked out of the meeting and into a bar.
This made no sense to me. I posted the story on the A board here and asked people who are dealing with alcoholism if they could explain it to me.
Several responded, "Your husband doesn't want to stop drinking."
Aha.
P.S. It's more than a year later, and he still doesn't want to stop drinking.
He didn't come home, however, until a couple of hours after the meeting had ended, and he had clearly been drinking. He got no reward.
When I asked him the next day what had happened, he said he had had a drink after work with a friend, felt bad so texted me and went to the meeting, walked out of the meeting and into a bar.
This made no sense to me. I posted the story on the A board here and asked people who are dealing with alcoholism if they could explain it to me.
Several responded, "Your husband doesn't want to stop drinking."
Aha.
P.S. It's more than a year later, and he still doesn't want to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
Expanding....it was the same core issue for me, those many years ago...wwhen I divorced my children's father...
I knew that if I ever wanted to be free to be myself...I couldn't stay with him.
I have never doubted that decision. It was the right thing to do....
I knew that if I ever wanted to be free to be myself...I couldn't stay with him.
I have never doubted that decision. It was the right thing to do....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I knew it was over when after being released from the hospital from cancer surgery scared, swollen, disfigured, broken in a different state, begging AH to stay with me and order room service for his meal. He said he would be quick but returned hours later and passed out on the only bed in the hotel room. I was piggy backing (drs orders) different pain meds and ending up sleeping on the couch terrified and alone. Had I messed up my meds I could have died. Something did die in me that night, I have never felt so very alone and scared. I knew in that moment that AH wasn’t really capable of real love, I wouldn’t have treated my worst enemy that way it was inhumane.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I knew my 5 year marriage was over when he left me on the road after the first month of Me moving into our house after I got done with school. I stayed. I knew my marriage was over when he sneaked a bottle of vodka into the bathroom and got drunk out of his mind on his birthday in a hotel and then left me on the road at midnight and walked away after dinner. I knew it was over when I spent countless hours staring out of the window on vacations while he was passed out. I knew it was over when he started telling people we met for lunch that I chased him to marry him. I knew it was over when he blamed me for his drinking because I had hormonal imbalances and yelled at him. I knew it was over when I went for a cardiology exam for palpitations and he never bothered to ask anything about it ever. I knew it was over when he abused my father after my father complained about him smelling of alcohol everyday after work while my father was visiting our house for the first time. I knew it was over when he started picking on me for my skin color and my education and everything about me was wrong. I still stayed for 5 years. He banged on my door to "talk" after I found him the last time in the closet with a bottle of vodka to his mouth. I was calm and composed and filed for divorce soon after that. I had nothing left in me to fight him, to listen to excuses, to hear one more sorry. I was done
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dawnrising
I knew it was over when after being released from the hospital from cancer surgery scared, swollen, disfigured, broken in a different state, begging AH to stay with me and order room service for his meal. He said he would be quick but returned hours later and passed out on the only bed in the hotel room. I was piggy backing (drs orders) different pain meds and ending up sleeping on the couch terrified and alone. Had I messed up my meds I could have died. Something did die in me that night, I have never felt so very alone and scared. I knew in that moment that AH wasn’t really capable of real love, I wouldn’t have treated my worst enemy that way it was inhumane.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Originally Posted by dawnrising
I knew it was over when after being released from the hospital from cancer surgery scared, swollen, disfigured, broken in a different state, begging AH to stay with me and order room service for his meal. He said he would be quick but returned hours later and passed out on the only bed in the hotel room. I was piggy backing (drs orders) different pain meds and ending up sleeping on the couch terrified and alone. Had I messed up my meds I could have died. Something did die in me that night, I have never felt so very alone and scared. I knew in that moment that AH wasn’t really capable of real love, I wouldn’t have treated my worst enemy that way it was inhumane.
Well, you know, he could have at the very least come over and held my hand.
I ended up having to have a C-section with that child. I had never had any kind of surgery before, and it was emotionally traumatic for me. I remember the night that I was told that I was going to have my staples removed from the incision the next morning. I called my AH and asked him to come spend the night with me in the hospital because I was so scared and wanted him to be with me. He had been drinking, and later on he finally arrived and was acting like it was really putting him out to be there with me. He told me to not expect anything from him because he was tired and was just going to sleep in the other bed.
I say all that to say - none of that is love. We deserve(d) better.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
TropicalWinter...this reminds me of my XAH. When I was having our first child he left the hospital under the pretense he was going to go water my flowers LOL! As if I cared about the flowers. Wow, I had forgotten about this it's been so long ago. How pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Expanding
It was a hot summer beach day and I just wanted to go home. We had both had a lot to drink and had been in the sun since 8 or 9 AM that morning. I really wanted to leave. I was the driver (as usual, the ex did not have a license) and I wanted to get home , take a shower and just relax. Also as per usual, I found myself needing to scream at him in order to get him to understand that we were leaving, NOW.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
It must have been nice to not have to fight hot, summer traffic after being in the sun all day. He most likely did not have a clue how tiring it could be, especially when he could pass out as soon as he got in the car.... empathy was not one of his strong suits... Apparently, me simply telling him I was tired and wanted to go home wasn’t enough, I’d always have to turn into a screaming lunatic for the point to get across.
As we are driving home I found myself letting him know how frustrated I was. I could tell that he was checking out… his eyes glossy, his skin burned from not wearing sunscreen… and even though I felt terrible as I was doing it I still kept “letting him have it”.
Why didn’t he respect me enough to believe me when I said I wanted to leave?
Why didn’t he understand that as the driver, I am actually the one in control of when we leave?
Why didn’t he understand that if he had his own license and car, he could come and go anywhere as he pleased?
Why did he treat me as a personal driver?
Why did I have to get so nasty to get the point across that I wanted to go home?
WHY???
It was one of the most honest times of my life with him… I was so done at that point but we wouldn’t break up for another 9 months.
I got home and bawled my eyes out in the shower.
I was turning into my mother…
I was drinking in unhealthy ways. Most of what the ex and I did revolved around drinking. I would complain all the time that he smelled like my mom’s boyfriends (his sweat smelled of alcohol and his breathe of butts) and that it was a huge turn off.
For some reason none of that really sunk in as being a problem until that day. I was turning into my mother and I was horrified. That was when the veil started to lift and I realized that I was being treated poorly and that I didn’t like who I was within the relationship. I know that people can’t make anyone act a certain way, but IMO there are certain dynamics that need to be played out in order for an individual relationship to exist. I knew, deep down, that me being who I wanted to be would result in the end of “us” and I was much more afraid of being alone than of not being myself at that point. I kept thinking it would get better. I believed him for a long time when he said he would slow down his drinking or get his license. I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to drink in order to feel close to my partner. Me wanting these things meant one thing… it HAD to end. I couldn’t have those things with the ex, that was the reality of the situation. I knew that our relationship was built upon a foundation of booze, partying, not getting really “deep” emotionally, and catering to his needs. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like what I needed always took a backseat to what he needed.
That was the worst shower of my life. I knew deep in my bones that we were done. I started to pull away and he made no effort whatsoever to pull me back in, and I’m thinking at that point it was either because he had started looking for someone else, or he just didn’t notice. I stopped going out with him, I stopped driving him around to run errands, if he wanted a drink he had to walk an hour to the store to get it himself. I started to sleep on the couch and if he went out all night I stopped caring. I wouldn’t text or call… and when he came back home at sunrise I just really… didn’t... care. I think he needed me to hound him and be on top of him… maybe it helped him to feel wanted/needed? I don’t know... at any rate… that memory is seared into my brain. I am so glad that nightmare is over and I am free. It was excruciating at first, but so worth it.
Through the pain came so much growth.
I am forever grateful, even for the relationship. Without it, I would not have grown.
Boy, did I need to read your post. Thank you for reminding me why I am so much better off without him.
I'm glad we're both out
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
I SHOULD have known it was over when … for the umpteenth time, he told me he was meeting his brother or a client for dinner, and then his “phone died” until 11am the next morning. I should have known it was over when just a day after he told me he loved me for the first time, he was 3.5 hours late for a date and showed up completely wasted and told me I deserved better than him. I should have known it was over when he told me a week before Valentine’s Day that he had some special surprises planned, but then the day came and I got NOTHING (no flowers, no card, no candy) and we went to our usual dinner spot and sat at the bar. I should have known it was over when I realized we ALWAYS ate dinner at the bar at every restaurant we went to. I should have known it was over when he frequently quoted Jack Torrance from “The Shining,” making a joke of/identifying with the character’s resentment toward his wife and child (scary!). I should have known it was over when he could knock back 3 glasses of wine, 2 double margaritas, a shot of tequila and a martini in an evening and not appear intoxicated at all. I should have known it was over when at 10:00am on Day 2 of Dry January, he said through gritted teeth, “I’d sell my soul for a beer right now.” Or when he had physical withdrawals later that evening, and wanted me to stay with him in case I had to take him to the ER. I should have known it was over when he was always “too busy” to go grocery shopping, but he always made time to run out to stock up on alcohol. I should have known it was over when he would joke, “I’ve got problems” or “I’m an addict.”
I KNEW it was over when he ruined what started off as a leisurely Saturday afternoon bike ride at the beach. We stopped at a couple places along the boardwalk for tacos and drinks, and after he took his first sip, that became the focus for the rest of the day. As we left the first place, I suggested we go sit on the sand for a bit as we had originally planned to do (we'd brought towels, etc.). That idea was quickly rejected in favor of riding to another drinking establishment. By the end of the afternoon, I'd had 4 drinks (which for me is a lot). I was not drunk, but I let him know I felt dizzy and uncomfortable riding my bike the two miles back to where we'd started and needed to walk it. He was impatient with me and argued, "That's ridiculous that you can't ride your bike after 2 drinks! Just get on your bike and pedal." Again, I told him I couldn't. Exasperated, he took off, full speed and out of sight on his bike. For nearly an hour (it seemed longer), I had no idea where he’d gone. For all I knew, he’d gotten back to the car and headed home without me. He was also wearing the backpack containing both my wallet and phone, so I had no way of communicating with him or anyone else, let alone a way of getting myself a ride should I need one.
On that walk back, I remember passing tons of smiling people - families with children covered in sand, happy couples holding hands, surfers making their way in from the water. Behind my sunglasses, my eyes were overflowing with tears as I walked alone down the boardwalk next to this pretty, pink sunset. I felt so rejected and abandoned, and I had absolutely no idea what I'd done to warrant this. What had I done that was so terrible? As demoralized as I felt, on some level, I knew that a normal, healthy partner wouldn’t treat me this way. I think one of the reasons I was so upset was because I knew that the relationship was unsalvageable. I didn’t want us to be done, but the writing was on the wall. When I finally found him on a side street at the end of the boardwalk, I let him know how upset I was. He did not apologize and expressed no remorse. He just said, “If you can drive when we get back to my place, you should just go home tonight. I’m not having fun. This isn’t fun for me.” At the time, I had no idea what he was talking about and started crying again. Just earlier that day he'd been excited to spend the day together at the beach. Who was this callous monster? He then told me I was too sensitive, and like a true codependent, I began to apologize profusely for feeling hurt and upset. I was even able to briefly convince myself that perhaps I had overreacted, that maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. When we got back to his place, he drank a bottle and a half of wine, and things smoothed over. When we went to bed, it seemed like things were back to “normal,” but when I woke up the next day, I felt differently. Up until this incident, it had been easy to deny that his drinking was a problem because it hadn't yet affected me in such a direct and personal way.
I’ve since come to terms with what really happened on the boardwalk. My ex was not just "in a mood" or whatever that day. He was RESENTFUL. He resented the fact that he had to interrupt his normal drinking routine to go for a bike ride with his girlfriend. He resented the fact that I would never be able to keep up with him in a drinking situation (nor would I ever want to!). He resented the fact that I wanted to spend time at the beach when he wanted to spend time inside at the bar. He resented the fact that I needed to walk my bike back because he was in a rush to get home and resume drinking.
I KNEW it was over when he ruined what started off as a leisurely Saturday afternoon bike ride at the beach. We stopped at a couple places along the boardwalk for tacos and drinks, and after he took his first sip, that became the focus for the rest of the day. As we left the first place, I suggested we go sit on the sand for a bit as we had originally planned to do (we'd brought towels, etc.). That idea was quickly rejected in favor of riding to another drinking establishment. By the end of the afternoon, I'd had 4 drinks (which for me is a lot). I was not drunk, but I let him know I felt dizzy and uncomfortable riding my bike the two miles back to where we'd started and needed to walk it. He was impatient with me and argued, "That's ridiculous that you can't ride your bike after 2 drinks! Just get on your bike and pedal." Again, I told him I couldn't. Exasperated, he took off, full speed and out of sight on his bike. For nearly an hour (it seemed longer), I had no idea where he’d gone. For all I knew, he’d gotten back to the car and headed home without me. He was also wearing the backpack containing both my wallet and phone, so I had no way of communicating with him or anyone else, let alone a way of getting myself a ride should I need one.
On that walk back, I remember passing tons of smiling people - families with children covered in sand, happy couples holding hands, surfers making their way in from the water. Behind my sunglasses, my eyes were overflowing with tears as I walked alone down the boardwalk next to this pretty, pink sunset. I felt so rejected and abandoned, and I had absolutely no idea what I'd done to warrant this. What had I done that was so terrible? As demoralized as I felt, on some level, I knew that a normal, healthy partner wouldn’t treat me this way. I think one of the reasons I was so upset was because I knew that the relationship was unsalvageable. I didn’t want us to be done, but the writing was on the wall. When I finally found him on a side street at the end of the boardwalk, I let him know how upset I was. He did not apologize and expressed no remorse. He just said, “If you can drive when we get back to my place, you should just go home tonight. I’m not having fun. This isn’t fun for me.” At the time, I had no idea what he was talking about and started crying again. Just earlier that day he'd been excited to spend the day together at the beach. Who was this callous monster? He then told me I was too sensitive, and like a true codependent, I began to apologize profusely for feeling hurt and upset. I was even able to briefly convince myself that perhaps I had overreacted, that maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. When we got back to his place, he drank a bottle and a half of wine, and things smoothed over. When we went to bed, it seemed like things were back to “normal,” but when I woke up the next day, I felt differently. Up until this incident, it had been easy to deny that his drinking was a problem because it hadn't yet affected me in such a direct and personal way.
I’ve since come to terms with what really happened on the boardwalk. My ex was not just "in a mood" or whatever that day. He was RESENTFUL. He resented the fact that he had to interrupt his normal drinking routine to go for a bike ride with his girlfriend. He resented the fact that I would never be able to keep up with him in a drinking situation (nor would I ever want to!). He resented the fact that I wanted to spend time at the beach when he wanted to spend time inside at the bar. He resented the fact that I needed to walk my bike back because he was in a rush to get home and resume drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
When I SHOULD have known it was over: many moments, but one stands out. I was loading up empties in our garage to take to the recycling depot (clue #1: normal drinker don't produce $200 worth of empties every month; clue #2 normal drinkers don't hide the empties in nooks and crannies of the garage so the other person has to do an kind of alcoholic Easter egg hunt).
A couple of local homeless guys who collect bottles were passing by and asked if I had any bottles they could have. I said "sure" and opened the garage door. The lead homeless guy said "HOLEEE! That's sure a lot of bottles! Don't think I've ever seen so many!". I said "oh, um, that's actually going back a couple of years". Clue #3 - normal drinker's wives don't feel compelled to minimize their consumption so as not to shock homeless people who collect bottles to survive.
However I didn't realize it was over until we were in marriage counselling and ex was going on about how unimportant and insignificant I was, in a very calm and rational tone (the Dr Jekyll of his Jekyll and Hyde) and I was listening very earnestly and taking it seriously, and the marriage counsellor started crying. She said someone should never speak to another person the way ex spoke to me and it was horribly disturbing to witness. I was so used to this that it didn't even register that he was treating me like an object.
I thought "okay, the marriage counsellor has probably seen everything and if she finds this bad ... maybe it really is that bad".
(In hindsight there was obviously something going on with the counsellor that led her to that state - maybe my STBX reminded her of an ex-husband or father? - but it was still by far the most useful thing I got out of marriage counselling).
A couple of local homeless guys who collect bottles were passing by and asked if I had any bottles they could have. I said "sure" and opened the garage door. The lead homeless guy said "HOLEEE! That's sure a lot of bottles! Don't think I've ever seen so many!". I said "oh, um, that's actually going back a couple of years". Clue #3 - normal drinker's wives don't feel compelled to minimize their consumption so as not to shock homeless people who collect bottles to survive.
However I didn't realize it was over until we were in marriage counselling and ex was going on about how unimportant and insignificant I was, in a very calm and rational tone (the Dr Jekyll of his Jekyll and Hyde) and I was listening very earnestly and taking it seriously, and the marriage counsellor started crying. She said someone should never speak to another person the way ex spoke to me and it was horribly disturbing to witness. I was so used to this that it didn't even register that he was treating me like an object.
I thought "okay, the marriage counsellor has probably seen everything and if she finds this bad ... maybe it really is that bad".
(In hindsight there was obviously something going on with the counsellor that led her to that state - maybe my STBX reminded her of an ex-husband or father? - but it was still by far the most useful thing I got out of marriage counselling).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
I should have known the night he took me to his drug dealers house to pick up something for "a friend."
I should have known the morning I woke up to him passed out on the couch, with coke splattered all over the coffee table.
I should have known the morning I woke up to a bottle of red wine splattered all over the middle of my white living room carpet.
I should have known when I got out of work (too many times to count), to him drunk.
I should have known when I came home from a 10-day vacation excited to spend the evening with him and share my trip photos, but he was drunk....
I should have known when I had to call him and call him, and call again, to no avail, wondering, worrying about where he was. One of these nights, he stayed with a "woman friend," who is also an alcoholic. He was watching her baby because her husband was out of town and "woman friend," was passed out.
I should have known when he got drunk and let our "fearful of children" dog around his "woman friend's," child. Dog bit child, I had to put my dog down.
This has all been in the past year and a half. Writing this all down helps me see how insane it has all been, and the chaos I'm living in. My heart aches, thanks to Al Anon for helping me find my voice.
I should have known the morning I woke up to him passed out on the couch, with coke splattered all over the coffee table.
I should have known the morning I woke up to a bottle of red wine splattered all over the middle of my white living room carpet.
I should have known when I got out of work (too many times to count), to him drunk.
I should have known when I came home from a 10-day vacation excited to spend the evening with him and share my trip photos, but he was drunk....
I should have known when I had to call him and call him, and call again, to no avail, wondering, worrying about where he was. One of these nights, he stayed with a "woman friend," who is also an alcoholic. He was watching her baby because her husband was out of town and "woman friend," was passed out.
I should have known when he got drunk and let our "fearful of children" dog around his "woman friend's," child. Dog bit child, I had to put my dog down.
This has all been in the past year and a half. Writing this all down helps me see how insane it has all been, and the chaos I'm living in. My heart aches, thanks to Al Anon for helping me find my voice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I had so many reg flags before it even started! I cannot believe I continued on. With a few months of meeting him, he was texting me demanding I come over to his house. I wasn't sure what was going on so went over there, he was passed out on the couch and his 2 young kids opened the door for me @4pm in the afternoon! He did get up when I arrived and continued drinking. Went to Vegas a few months later and was excited. Guess what, he was drunk the whole time and wanted to do nothing but gamble. Didn't come to the pool with me or walk around and he never ate with me because he was drinking and gambling. Dinner alone in Vegas....And 10 years later, I have wised up. I filed for divorced and moved out. Years of insults, name calling, emotional cheating and spending thousands of dollars on an internet game while I painted the house, bought nice furniture, decorated, did the landscaping, cleaned the house every week, while he started projects and never finished them, just wanted to sit in his basement bar, drink, play his internet game and chat with other girls every weekend or every day he had off work. He holds down a good job but his personal life is a mess. His kids who are in their late teens don't come to see him anymore , have called him an alcoholic, and he just keeps at it. I will be his 2nd divorce and feel sorry for him. I have a good job as well, work hard and am loyal, honest, close to my family, pay my bills on time and a functioning member of society and like to have fun but not by sitting at the bar and drinking every weekend. We have no friends because he is usually passed out around 5pm. Sometimes his family stops by and he passes out and I am left to tend to them. I have been lonely for 10 years and have put on a good show regarding our marriage, I am tired for being blamed for everything, insulted and called names. He has anger issues and says it is because of my behavior. I really don't understand how I even married him or why I put up with his BS all these years. Now, he is avoiding service for the divorce, while he is residing in the home that I have to keep status quo on while I am living with family. Of course, he is texting me saying our issues are resolvable...Ha! I only have myself to blame for seeing the red flags and doing nothing. I cannot wait for my divorce to be finalized!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Michsm, when the scales fall from your eyes....
If you've read some of the divorce sagas in this forum you'll know you may be in for a drawn out process, but it will be over one day and worth every minute.
If you've read some of the divorce sagas in this forum you'll know you may be in for a drawn out process, but it will be over one day and worth every minute.
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