New and need some insight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 3
New and need some insight
Hello, I am at a crossroads with my husband and I am having a hard time trusting myself to make the right decisions. We have been together about 5 years. He has been drinking heavily for the last 20 years of his life. Shortly after we met I let him know that I was not okay with his drinking habits and he has gotten sober and relapsed repeatedly during our relationship. He never actually did any work on himself, he would just stop drinking. He would go to a few AA meetings, a few therapy sessions and then quit because his work schedule got in the way.
This year my son was diagnosed with Asperger's, my grandma got sick, my grandpa passed away, and I have started nursing school. I have sooo much on my plate right now. His drinking, and the lying and instability that come along with it, are no longer acceptable to me. He lied to me again last weekend and I said enough is enough.
I told him rehab or our marriage can't last. He said he went to rehab (long before we met) and hated it and won't do it again. I told him he needed to leave and that we could re-evaluate in 30 days. Well, he did leave and he is going to AA, getting on anxiety meds, and going to a therapist. He has not drank since the day I got mad. I still feel like I am not comfortable even considering trying to salvage our marriage unless he goes to outpatient or inpatient rehab. I think he needs a drastic change and he needs to put work (another addiction of his) on the back burner while he focuses on recovery.
Now here is where I get confused. There are almost no Alanon meetings in my area, so I have not been yet, but I am reading as much as I can about codependency. I am trying to set boundaries and not issue ultimatums. I am trying not to control him. That being said my line in the sand is rehab and I feel adamant about it. Am I wrong to say this? Is his way of recovery just as valid as mine? I just feel like meetings and therapy are his attempt to placate me and he's willing to do it because they don't take up much time, unlike rehab which would be a total commitment. Sorry if this is all over the place.
This year my son was diagnosed with Asperger's, my grandma got sick, my grandpa passed away, and I have started nursing school. I have sooo much on my plate right now. His drinking, and the lying and instability that come along with it, are no longer acceptable to me. He lied to me again last weekend and I said enough is enough.
I told him rehab or our marriage can't last. He said he went to rehab (long before we met) and hated it and won't do it again. I told him he needed to leave and that we could re-evaluate in 30 days. Well, he did leave and he is going to AA, getting on anxiety meds, and going to a therapist. He has not drank since the day I got mad. I still feel like I am not comfortable even considering trying to salvage our marriage unless he goes to outpatient or inpatient rehab. I think he needs a drastic change and he needs to put work (another addiction of his) on the back burner while he focuses on recovery.
Now here is where I get confused. There are almost no Alanon meetings in my area, so I have not been yet, but I am reading as much as I can about codependency. I am trying to set boundaries and not issue ultimatums. I am trying not to control him. That being said my line in the sand is rehab and I feel adamant about it. Am I wrong to say this? Is his way of recovery just as valid as mine? I just feel like meetings and therapy are his attempt to placate me and he's willing to do it because they don't take up much time, unlike rehab which would be a total commitment. Sorry if this is all over the place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 3
I do plan on attending online meetings. I also plan to head down to our local drug & alcohol services building and see if they have a list of local meetings. There is nothing listed online except one meeting 30 minutes away, just once a week. I'm guessing there must be more and I'm just not finding them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Harper...the general standard that has been used is to look for one year (at least) of uninterrupted sobriety....
Also, that gives you time to attend alanon and do your own work on yourself.
His best chance of gaining true sobriety...and, not just white knuckling for a period of time....is to get into a program....AA, sponsor, counselor, etc....and working the program with diligence...as a top priority for himself.
It is through working the steps that the necessary internal changes come about. The changes in alcoholic thinking...which leads to changes in attitude...which leads to changes in behavior.....
It takes persistence and work and time. Most of all, he has to want to get sober.
Rehab can be helpful, in that it points the person in the direction and can give them some to ols to work with,,,But, it is by no means a magic wand.
The recovery can be done through daily AA meetings and the "program".
In fact, he has already been exposed to rehab as well as AA. He already knows what the deal is. He knows where the help is if he really wants to get sober.
Honestly, from what you write, he sounds like he is resistant, at this time.
I think a year's time will begin to tell the story.
Don't make a boundary unless you are willing and able to back it up.
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More?"....it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol...
Also, that gives you time to attend alanon and do your own work on yourself.
His best chance of gaining true sobriety...and, not just white knuckling for a period of time....is to get into a program....AA, sponsor, counselor, etc....and working the program with diligence...as a top priority for himself.
It is through working the steps that the necessary internal changes come about. The changes in alcoholic thinking...which leads to changes in attitude...which leads to changes in behavior.....
It takes persistence and work and time. Most of all, he has to want to get sober.
Rehab can be helpful, in that it points the person in the direction and can give them some to ols to work with,,,But, it is by no means a magic wand.
The recovery can be done through daily AA meetings and the "program".
In fact, he has already been exposed to rehab as well as AA. He already knows what the deal is. He knows where the help is if he really wants to get sober.
Honestly, from what you write, he sounds like he is resistant, at this time.
I think a year's time will begin to tell the story.
Don't make a boundary unless you are willing and able to back it up.
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More?"....it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome Harper and so glad you found us. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate that would be difficult even without a marriage to an alcoholic.
Whether he does rehab or just works AA, he has a long road ahead of him with no guarantees. The more you can worry about your own recovery the better. Kudos to you for seeking out Alanon and educating yourself. I do hope you find some face to face support.
Whatever happens, I do hope you let us know how things are going.
Whether he does rehab or just works AA, he has a long road ahead of him with no guarantees. The more you can worry about your own recovery the better. Kudos to you for seeking out Alanon and educating yourself. I do hope you find some face to face support.
Whatever happens, I do hope you let us know how things are going.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Harper,
Welcome and good for you for reaching out for help. It is your time to take charge and do something about your out of control life. I am sure that you have threatened divorce for a long time, and ah (alcoholic husband) acts like a good boy for a few months and then it returns back to "normal".
He told you he will not go back to rehab, but you told him rehab or your marriage is over. He is not ready to commit to sobriety, so you need to do what you need to do, what ever that is.
I agree with the dandy, you can't threaten and not follow through, he is laughing at you. You need to find an open AA meeting if you can't find an alanon meeting. Addicts who are working a program, you can see their progress. They are regretful, they are consumed with their sobriety, they are hitting daily meetings, and their attitudes change. Sounds like he is doing none of that. Accept that.
Do your homework, educate yourself about alcoholism and how it is progressive. Then make some informed decisions about your future with him. Hugs my friend, stick with us and your life will calm down.
Welcome and good for you for reaching out for help. It is your time to take charge and do something about your out of control life. I am sure that you have threatened divorce for a long time, and ah (alcoholic husband) acts like a good boy for a few months and then it returns back to "normal".
He told you he will not go back to rehab, but you told him rehab or your marriage is over. He is not ready to commit to sobriety, so you need to do what you need to do, what ever that is.
I agree with the dandy, you can't threaten and not follow through, he is laughing at you. You need to find an open AA meeting if you can't find an alanon meeting. Addicts who are working a program, you can see their progress. They are regretful, they are consumed with their sobriety, they are hitting daily meetings, and their attitudes change. Sounds like he is doing none of that. Accept that.
Do your homework, educate yourself about alcoholism and how it is progressive. Then make some informed decisions about your future with him. Hugs my friend, stick with us and your life will calm down.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'll just weigh in that rehab generally isn't "better" than AA. My first husband has been sober 36 years thanks to AA, and I'm eight years sober in AA. Neither of us ever went to rehab.
I know plenty of people who have gotten sober with AA alone. Rehabs can provide a certain structured environment that can help to get someone focused, but if he's going to meetings and working with a therapist, I don't know that rehab would provide any particular advantage. He's not short-changing himself by not going.
Personally, I made a deal with myself (I was single at the time) that if I wasn't sober after 90 meetings in 90 days I would go to rehab. It was my "Plan B"--which I never had to use because I never picked up another drink.
It's important to make good boundaries for yourself, but how he manages his recovery shouldn't be one of them. If he does the necessary work in AA, his chances are as good as those of someone going to rehab.
I know plenty of people who have gotten sober with AA alone. Rehabs can provide a certain structured environment that can help to get someone focused, but if he's going to meetings and working with a therapist, I don't know that rehab would provide any particular advantage. He's not short-changing himself by not going.
Personally, I made a deal with myself (I was single at the time) that if I wasn't sober after 90 meetings in 90 days I would go to rehab. It was my "Plan B"--which I never had to use because I never picked up another drink.
It's important to make good boundaries for yourself, but how he manages his recovery shouldn't be one of them. If he does the necessary work in AA, his chances are as good as those of someone going to rehab.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Rehab, Daily AA, Throwing Rocks at Cans, or just quitting on his own all statistically show about the same results in quitting. I am not knocking any of the above and different people have different paths to sobriety. The biggest thing that has to happen is that a person has to be honest with themselves and see that they cannot drink successfully and fully commit themselves to doing something else instead of drinking. Your line in the sand is your line in the sand and is valid if that is the way you feel. One thing for sure, typically rehab does not hurt. I don't blame you for not wanting to live with it. I am coming from the other side and I did not want to live with myself. I think it is at that point things changed. I really have no guidance, but will say that if he does go to rehab and then drinks down the road he will say, "I went to rehab for you and now you are dumping me". It sounds as if you do have a lot of things on your plate. Concentrate on yourself. Let him concentrate on his deal. If he does not follow through you can always make the decision. Do your best presently just to stay in the present and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Welcome!
From my experience, I know one thing - if he is not willing to go, rehab will be a waste of time and money. I insisted XAH go to one just because I did not want him drunk around DS (who is also on autism spectrum and his behaviour deteriorates every time XAH relapses - he is so much calmer and focused without him around). Two months, two rehabs, one locked detox unit and 10k+ later he was still drunk/high.
He ended up moving in with his brother (very rural beautiful farm land) and seems to be doing ok there. No rehab/detox this time.
Asking him to move out would accomplish the same.
Agree on following through with everything you say.
From my experience, I know one thing - if he is not willing to go, rehab will be a waste of time and money. I insisted XAH go to one just because I did not want him drunk around DS (who is also on autism spectrum and his behaviour deteriorates every time XAH relapses - he is so much calmer and focused without him around). Two months, two rehabs, one locked detox unit and 10k+ later he was still drunk/high.
He ended up moving in with his brother (very rural beautiful farm land) and seems to be doing ok there. No rehab/detox this time.
Asking him to move out would accomplish the same.
Agree on following through with everything you say.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I hope today is peaceful for you...
As some have mentioned, a year is a very good time frame--I phrased it as "at least a year" apart while he did the work. I was rightly afraid that he'd make it long enough to get back in if I set a hard deadline.
If he truly progresses in sobriety, you will SEE it. You will know. If you have to question it, it's not there yet.
I agree with others that rehab or not isn't the answer--long term SOBRIETY (not just abstinence) is.
As some have mentioned, a year is a very good time frame--I phrased it as "at least a year" apart while he did the work. I was rightly afraid that he'd make it long enough to get back in if I set a hard deadline.
If he truly progresses in sobriety, you will SEE it. You will know. If you have to question it, it's not there yet.
I agree with others that rehab or not isn't the answer--long term SOBRIETY (not just abstinence) is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
Can you find online Al Anon meetings? Of there are AA meetings near you, there must be Al Anon meetings, too?
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I agree with everyone. It's the mindset that matters. Rehab won't do much if he isn't really truly into it (and even if he is, the chance of relapse is very high unless there is continuous, genuine work on recovery). My xAH went to rehab, AA (which he has been going to for years, quite regularly), then 2 detoxes within one year, and I suspect may still be at it, after years of this nonsense. So, who knows? I am also a mom of a boy on the spectrum and now how infinitely harder it is to do this without the true support of your H, so I really encourage you to do everything you can to take care of yourself and your child. I have found the stickies on this board to be enormously helpful at particularly tough times, so even if you can't get to a meeting, there are good resources out there to help you.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
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