Choose Your Master
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Choose Your Master
I haven't posted much in the past couple months, but I joined SR back in about June or so. This post is more for myself to reflect on, but I figured I would write it here instead of in my Journal in case anyone has any input.
Sorry...it's a long post.
I didn't start drinking until my early twenties...at first pretty irregularly and in "normal" amounts. Of course in time it slowly ramped up over the next 10 years. About 2 years ago I knew I had to do something about my drinking because I was drinking too much, too often. Many attempts of cutting back or moderating always seemed to lead to higher levels of consumption. I kept thinking (and a small part of me still does think), that moderation would work. Fast forward to this past February and I was drinking daily roughly 6-8 beers and binging pretty hard most weekends. I finally broke down and admitted to a few people that I had a problem, and I quite cold turkey for about 2 months...at this time I figured a bit of break was all I needed. After 2 months I figured I had learned my lesson and I could drink again "normally", and I did for a bit. By May or June I was drinking as hard as ever, but added Vodka into the mix so I could take a few pulls off the bottle in secret to supplement the beer. I had progressed to drinking most all day...not really getting drunk, nursing a buzz morning till night.
This is when I joined SR...I originally came here looking for ways to help me moderate. This is also about the time I announced to the world that I was quitting again even though my real goal was just to learn to moderate. Announcing that I was quitting drove my drinking into the closest and vodka became my best buddy. Since then I've been living a double life...sneaking around and doing all the things a closet drinker does. All the while, I was honestly trying to quit or moderate, I just couldn't seem to make anything stick for any length of time.
This brings us up to last weekend. By this time I was drinking 10-15 drinks a day. Last weekend I binged hard and come Monday was a mess...sick, tired, hungry but couldn't eat, etc.
I have a lot of responsibilities to manage so I decided to try taper off, which surprisingly worked reasonably ok for me. I had a lot of the usual withdrawal symptoms (crazy night sweats, foggy brain, shakiness, and my balance seemed off), but I was at least able to function and carry on with business. I did have one day of tapering that I drank above my allowed amount, and that set me back a couple days.
Anyway, yesterday morning I decided that would be my last day of tapering, so in true alcoholic form, I had a couple breakfast beers, and that was that.
I'm not sure what, if anything changed that makes me think this time will be different, but this is my second night going to bed sober, and for some reason I feel more positive. Something that's been replaying over and over in my head is that I have to "choose my master". Either Alcohol will be my master and control my life, or sobriety will. Both take daily effort and in a way will dictate how I run my life, but one leads down a path to destruction, and the other leads to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. Day 3 is always hard for me, so I am working on planning my day tomorrow to make it through sober.
Sorry...it's a long post.
I didn't start drinking until my early twenties...at first pretty irregularly and in "normal" amounts. Of course in time it slowly ramped up over the next 10 years. About 2 years ago I knew I had to do something about my drinking because I was drinking too much, too often. Many attempts of cutting back or moderating always seemed to lead to higher levels of consumption. I kept thinking (and a small part of me still does think), that moderation would work. Fast forward to this past February and I was drinking daily roughly 6-8 beers and binging pretty hard most weekends. I finally broke down and admitted to a few people that I had a problem, and I quite cold turkey for about 2 months...at this time I figured a bit of break was all I needed. After 2 months I figured I had learned my lesson and I could drink again "normally", and I did for a bit. By May or June I was drinking as hard as ever, but added Vodka into the mix so I could take a few pulls off the bottle in secret to supplement the beer. I had progressed to drinking most all day...not really getting drunk, nursing a buzz morning till night.
This is when I joined SR...I originally came here looking for ways to help me moderate. This is also about the time I announced to the world that I was quitting again even though my real goal was just to learn to moderate. Announcing that I was quitting drove my drinking into the closest and vodka became my best buddy. Since then I've been living a double life...sneaking around and doing all the things a closet drinker does. All the while, I was honestly trying to quit or moderate, I just couldn't seem to make anything stick for any length of time.
This brings us up to last weekend. By this time I was drinking 10-15 drinks a day. Last weekend I binged hard and come Monday was a mess...sick, tired, hungry but couldn't eat, etc.
I have a lot of responsibilities to manage so I decided to try taper off, which surprisingly worked reasonably ok for me. I had a lot of the usual withdrawal symptoms (crazy night sweats, foggy brain, shakiness, and my balance seemed off), but I was at least able to function and carry on with business. I did have one day of tapering that I drank above my allowed amount, and that set me back a couple days.
Anyway, yesterday morning I decided that would be my last day of tapering, so in true alcoholic form, I had a couple breakfast beers, and that was that.
I'm not sure what, if anything changed that makes me think this time will be different, but this is my second night going to bed sober, and for some reason I feel more positive. Something that's been replaying over and over in my head is that I have to "choose my master". Either Alcohol will be my master and control my life, or sobriety will. Both take daily effort and in a way will dictate how I run my life, but one leads down a path to destruction, and the other leads to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. Day 3 is always hard for me, so I am working on planning my day tomorrow to make it through sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by SoberLifeForMe 
Hi, Ironhorse. Good post. I'm heading into day 3 as well, so I'm right there with you.
Good luck tomorrow SoberLife.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 923
Good luck iron horse,
I got through day three by drinking loads of fizzy water, posting on SR and waging war with my inner voice.
Be really vigilant about your thoughts, notice them but don't act on them (unless they're sober thoughts of course). The AV is sly and cunning and every bit as clever as you are.
I got through day three by drinking loads of fizzy water, posting on SR and waging war with my inner voice.
Be really vigilant about your thoughts, notice them but don't act on them (unless they're sober thoughts of course). The AV is sly and cunning and every bit as clever as you are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Western US
Posts: 1,765
Thanks for the post Ironhorse. Reading it was like looking in a mirror. It was good reminder of my life just over two months ago. I didn't like that life... especially now looking back.
Good job on coming back and getting 3 days under your belt. You sound like you know what you want and have made a choice to be the "Master".
See you around.
Good job on coming back and getting 3 days under your belt. You sound like you know what you want and have made a choice to be the "Master".
See you around.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by Ironhorse1
I'm not sure what, if anything changed that makes me think this time will be different, but this is my second night going to bed sober, and for some reason I feel more positive.
Just bear in mind, the decision to quit drinking is just that, a decision. Recovery is doing what it takes to support that decision. Every day.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Good luck going forward, Ironhorse1. One of the most satisfying parts of my sober life is driving past liquor stores. It's the little things. Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Day 3 went off without much effort, mostly because I scheduled my day so busy I didn't have time to think about drinking.
Technically I guess about noon tomorrow would complete day 3, but this is the third night going to bed sober.
When I was tapering I had really bad night sweats, and then a couple nights without them, but last night they were back pretty bad. I'm looking forward to getting back to a normal sleep pattern.
Also, today I was pretty shaky. I'm wondering if it's more diet related than withdrawals...I eat pretty healthy, but tend not to eat until mid day.
How did you do today SoberLife?
Technically I guess about noon tomorrow would complete day 3, but this is the third night going to bed sober.
When I was tapering I had really bad night sweats, and then a couple nights without them, but last night they were back pretty bad. I'm looking forward to getting back to a normal sleep pattern.
Also, today I was pretty shaky. I'm wondering if it's more diet related than withdrawals...I eat pretty healthy, but tend not to eat until mid day.
How did you do today SoberLife?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 379
Hi Ironhorse and welcome! 3 days is fantastic!
Yeah its going to take a while for your body to adjust. I had to just tell myself in the beginning to be patient, Id been abusing my body with poison for many years and it would take time for my body to repair itself. I think the shaky thing for me happens when my sugar level drops and so I do try to eat a little breakfast ( never used to eat in the am, too hungover!) and eat healthy meals throughout the day. I keep a little stash of sugar candy ( gummy candy) and pop one or two if I get shaky during the day, that helps.
Best wishes to you as you come into Day 4!
Yeah its going to take a while for your body to adjust. I had to just tell myself in the beginning to be patient, Id been abusing my body with poison for many years and it would take time for my body to repair itself. I think the shaky thing for me happens when my sugar level drops and so I do try to eat a little breakfast ( never used to eat in the am, too hungover!) and eat healthy meals throughout the day. I keep a little stash of sugar candy ( gummy candy) and pop one or two if I get shaky during the day, that helps.
Best wishes to you as you come into Day 4!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Wrapping up day 4 and feeling a lot better. My appetite is coming back, and the shakes are gone. I'm starting to remember how great it is to be sober!
Thank you to everyone who offered encouragement the past few days.
Thank you to everyone who offered encouragement the past few days.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Today is the first day that I'm badly craving a drink...just a couple I'm telling myself. Ha! As I'm typing this I realize how crazy that sounds. 2 drinks today, 3 tomorrow, 6 the next day...
No thank you.
No thank you.
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