Expectations and defensiveness
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Liz, terrific pic. The both of you look so happy.
I was thinking about this for a long, long time. I know that when I was married it was filled with so much drama, too much drama. There were so many fights. I hated those fights................Then the honeymoon period would come. We would have sex and I would feel those butterflies in my stomach when we made love or when he even touched me. It was a good feeling. The fighting had stopped.... My adrenaline level would finally go down, but not fast enough before the next fight. I never felt safe or comfortable, but, you know, those "honeymoon periods", I would kill for them. I needed them, I really did.
I never did get into a relationship after I left. I'm sure if I did that I would feel those "butterflies" again, and that they might taper off. People get used to each other when they are together. That's not a bad thing. You learn each others likes and dislikes, you learn respect for each other. You learn to "TRUST". You get use to your adrenaline level, for the first time in your life, it starts to get normal. OK, you might feel bored, after all look at all that conflict that you have been going through, and now, it seems OK, but you seem bored...
Now is where I hope the mods won't delete this post.
What do you do. It seems like you want more attention. So, go get it. Do you have a pool, go skinny dipping.......... Do you have a pool table, play strip pool........
See, I know that when I was married, most times I hated to have my ex's affection. I didn't want his hands on me, but yet I craved to be held, loved and touched.
I don't know what I am saying, I guess I am saying each relationship is different and if you do have trust in this guy, then let your reservations down. Do things that you thought about, but perhaps never wanted to do with your ex.
I'm just going to say that I think you are doing really well, and I am really happy that you are coming back here to ask these questions. It helps a lot of us here also.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I was thinking about this for a long, long time. I know that when I was married it was filled with so much drama, too much drama. There were so many fights. I hated those fights................Then the honeymoon period would come. We would have sex and I would feel those butterflies in my stomach when we made love or when he even touched me. It was a good feeling. The fighting had stopped.... My adrenaline level would finally go down, but not fast enough before the next fight. I never felt safe or comfortable, but, you know, those "honeymoon periods", I would kill for them. I needed them, I really did.
I never did get into a relationship after I left. I'm sure if I did that I would feel those "butterflies" again, and that they might taper off. People get used to each other when they are together. That's not a bad thing. You learn each others likes and dislikes, you learn respect for each other. You learn to "TRUST". You get use to your adrenaline level, for the first time in your life, it starts to get normal. OK, you might feel bored, after all look at all that conflict that you have been going through, and now, it seems OK, but you seem bored...
Now is where I hope the mods won't delete this post.
What do you do. It seems like you want more attention. So, go get it. Do you have a pool, go skinny dipping.......... Do you have a pool table, play strip pool........
See, I know that when I was married, most times I hated to have my ex's affection. I didn't want his hands on me, but yet I craved to be held, loved and touched.
I don't know what I am saying, I guess I am saying each relationship is different and if you do have trust in this guy, then let your reservations down. Do things that you thought about, but perhaps never wanted to do with your ex.
I'm just going to say that I think you are doing really well, and I am really happy that you are coming back here to ask these questions. It helps a lot of us here also.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Amy, you're so sweet. My guy and I are on the same page with our intimate life. We shake things up every once in a while. About a month ago I suggested something that I was surprised he would go for and we had a blast. I never laughed so hard afterwards because it was so much fun for us. Honestly, the bedroom isn't the problem, lol.
As for attention, yes. I admitted above that that's the problem. I just want more attention. Yet, this man has made it clear that he is mine and that he will make time for me. See the post above by Redatlanta which sums up my codependency symptom perfectly: INSECURITY!
One night when we had all 3 kids with us, he poured me a glass of wine, grabbed my hand while I was doing the dishes, turned off the sink, and dragged me outside to the back porch saying that the dishes can wait. Then, he announced to the kids, "Liz and I are going to sit outside together ALONE. No kids allowed so leave us alone and find some way to entertain yourselves in this big house!!!" They all looked at us like we committed a heinous crime. Other times we will go for a walk by ourselves to show the kids that we make time for US even when they're around.
And, on the weekends when we don't have his kids, he asks me what I want to do, should we go for a day trip somewhere, are there any concerts in town worth seeing, new restaurants we should try, etc.
Last night I was leaving with my son to be out of town for a tennis tournament and he said goodbye to me in the street in front of all the kids. HUGE hug, kisses, and the kids waiting for us to let go and then he says to my 18 year old, "Aww, do you want a hug from me too? lol" My son starts laughing and was like, "Yeah...NO...but thanks" and his girls are like, "Ok, enough already you guys, dad take us to the park already!!!"
There's a lot of laughter in our home. I get greeted by his 10 year with enthusiasm every time I walk in the door. Both girls want me to participate in their lives and they both enjoy my son's companionship. I had come home from work yesterday and the 3 of them were playing cards upstairs and my bf sat me down on the couch to ask me about my day and to tell me what plans we have for Halloween, which families are coming over, and that he'll grab some pizzas for all of us, etc.
And, as far as trust: I don't think I've ever trusted anyone as much as I trust him. He's never given me a reason to mistrust him. He can be surly and cranky at times because of his pain issues with the RA. But, I can pull the *itch card myself when I'm PMSing or just had a bad day, too. We're human. He's always reliable, dependable, giving, and thoughtful. Again, NOT PERFECT. I have my complaints. But, I'm certainly not going into this relationship with my eyes closed and my head in the sand like I did with my XAH. I've learned a lot about myself and about relationships now and I truly hope this one is a mature adult relationship and so far, it appears that way. I love the man and his children.
As for attention, yes. I admitted above that that's the problem. I just want more attention. Yet, this man has made it clear that he is mine and that he will make time for me. See the post above by Redatlanta which sums up my codependency symptom perfectly: INSECURITY!
One night when we had all 3 kids with us, he poured me a glass of wine, grabbed my hand while I was doing the dishes, turned off the sink, and dragged me outside to the back porch saying that the dishes can wait. Then, he announced to the kids, "Liz and I are going to sit outside together ALONE. No kids allowed so leave us alone and find some way to entertain yourselves in this big house!!!" They all looked at us like we committed a heinous crime. Other times we will go for a walk by ourselves to show the kids that we make time for US even when they're around.
And, on the weekends when we don't have his kids, he asks me what I want to do, should we go for a day trip somewhere, are there any concerts in town worth seeing, new restaurants we should try, etc.
Last night I was leaving with my son to be out of town for a tennis tournament and he said goodbye to me in the street in front of all the kids. HUGE hug, kisses, and the kids waiting for us to let go and then he says to my 18 year old, "Aww, do you want a hug from me too? lol" My son starts laughing and was like, "Yeah...NO...but thanks" and his girls are like, "Ok, enough already you guys, dad take us to the park already!!!"
There's a lot of laughter in our home. I get greeted by his 10 year with enthusiasm every time I walk in the door. Both girls want me to participate in their lives and they both enjoy my son's companionship. I had come home from work yesterday and the 3 of them were playing cards upstairs and my bf sat me down on the couch to ask me about my day and to tell me what plans we have for Halloween, which families are coming over, and that he'll grab some pizzas for all of us, etc.
And, as far as trust: I don't think I've ever trusted anyone as much as I trust him. He's never given me a reason to mistrust him. He can be surly and cranky at times because of his pain issues with the RA. But, I can pull the *itch card myself when I'm PMSing or just had a bad day, too. We're human. He's always reliable, dependable, giving, and thoughtful. Again, NOT PERFECT. I have my complaints. But, I'm certainly not going into this relationship with my eyes closed and my head in the sand like I did with my XAH. I've learned a lot about myself and about relationships now and I truly hope this one is a mature adult relationship and so far, it appears that way. I love the man and his children.
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