Zircon

Hi,
It's been a little while since I posted. My life is quiet and peaceful. I moved again in August into a very nice 2 bedroom home. I had my shoulder surgery. Things went well! I should be having my rotator cuff surgery in a few months.
My divorce from my AH, isn't going so well!! I filed for divorce last January. We finally got a court date for November. Just a 30 minute pre conference hearing. I was happy we got that! Just spoke with my lawyer. My AH lawyer wants a continuness, because she has a conflict with her schedule. My lawyer suggested that the 2 lawyers do a telephone appearance to the court. Just them, my AH ir myself wouldn't be present. Is that usual thing to do? I'm very fustrated! Want some closure. My lawyer has sent proposals to his attorney that things should be split equally. They aren't agreeing,and won't consider mediation. My lawyer says they don't have too since I have a domestic violence order in place.
I'm just concerened. My AH seems to be dragging this out. He's the one that wanted this divorce. What benefits would he get by dragging it out?
I'm worried! Will this go to a full blown trial? My AH did tell me he'd discredit me any way he could if I didn't accept what he offered. Another question, why aren't they coming back with what there willing to settle for? For some reason, my AH wants this to drag on.
There hasn't been any talking from his lawyer about how things should be divided m. Does that mean, my AH expects to keep everything?
My AH is living in our home. I still have possessions there. How do I know that he's not destroying it?
So, I guess I'm still married. Probably will be in 2017.
How do you get any sense of closure, when nothing is settled, you're still married. I'm having a really hard time with all this. The thoughts that my AH is intentionally holding up this divorce??
What thoughts do you guys have? Why do you think it's taking so long. I'm a basket case about how it's all going to turn out. I'm living on nothing. All my money is tied up in the house he's living in, and the business we started. What if I get nothing!
What can I do to make this move more quickly?
Thank you for listening.
I can't wait for the day to come when I can have all positive things to say, and help others who are just at the beginning of their long road to recovery.

Z

LexieCat

If it's a scheduling conference, trust me, you wouldn't get any "closure" from it. A telephone conference is much preferable to a continuance. They will get their scheduling done and that's the sole purpose of the conference. Less hassle for you, and who cares if he doesn't have to be in court?

Mediation is never recommended when there is abuse in the picture, so I understand that.

You can't really "make it move more quickly," other than to tell your lawyer what your concerns are, and that you need to have this resolved as soon as possible. Ask your lawyer to ask his lawyer for a counterproposal. You don't want to be bargaining against yourself. Once you see what he's asking for, you will have a better idea how things will go.

You MIGHT have to wait for a trial. Find out from your lawyer whether there are grounds for interim support if there is unreasonable delay on the part of the other side.

Hang in there...

Zircon

Hi,

Just me! Thank you for answering so quickly.
What would a divorce trial be like? We have no children. We are just dividing property. My state is a 50/50. At the trial, do they talk about how things should be divided? Then who decides? The judge.
As for spousal support. My AH doesn't have a job. We started a business together. It wasn't generating enough money for him to get a pay check. My AH has opened another bush checking account, that I don't have access to, and is putting all the business's cash in that account. His sister is paying all his bills, including the mortgage on our house. He is a car payment behind in his truck. I get the notices, because my name is first in his loan. Due to his delinquency, I'm not able to do much. He has destroyed my credit. I'm sure they'll claim, my AH has no money and can't provide spousal support. Maybe m, my AH should get a job, and start paying his own bills!! Does the court award spousal support, if my AH has no job?
Thank you for listening.

Z

shockozulu

Lexie is right on the money here.

There would be no reason for you or him to b e in court. This is only to look at the Judge's calendar to find an available date for the next hearing or conference.

Good idea. Hadn't even thought of that.

Also, asking for interim support often moves the other party to start moving their butt. Why not keep postponing the date if he is staying in the house, not paying an ounce of money? What's the benefit to moving forward with the chance he would have to leave the home and start paying you support?

LexieCat

A trial would be limited to issues of equitable distribution of property, most likely, and perhaps issues of spousal support. Is your lawyer asking for alimony?

There is a business involved, if I remember right? "Equitable distribution" doesn't mean each asset is necessarily divided right down the middle, but rather in a way that is "fair," taking into account things like the relative contributions each party made (whether financial or other kinds of contributions--work to make the company succeed, for example). So if there are business assets and a house, for instance, the court might decide one person gets the house and the other gets the business, if you couldn't agree. Same thing with other assets like bank accounts, retirement accounts, cars, etc.

If he comes up with a counter-proposal, depending on what it is, you might agree to give him something that's important to him, but stipulate that the offer is good ONLY if he agrees to final dissolution within X amount of time. Just another for instance.

Zircon

Hi,
No, we weren't asking for spousal support. I'm just getting fustrated it's taking so long! We started the business in September 2015. I got a small inheritance from my mom. I invested some of that money in the business. I also worked in the business. From September through January, I used my inheritance to pay our household bills, since he was working in the business, and it didn't generate enough business for him to get a paycheck. I ran out of money in January, since I had to pay for a new furnance for our home(6000.00). That's when it went downhill quickly!' I left in February.
Looking back, if I hadn't invested my inheritance in the business, and not used my inheritance to pay bills, and put a new furnance in the house, I would be able to survive financially better. My AH had the benefit of my small amount of money. Now, I'm living day to day.
I guess I made some really bad choices. I know I'll never get any of that back. All I would like is what is fair. It appears to me, that I've paid a huge price! I've moved x2. My whole world has been rocked.
My AH, is still enjoying his life style, just without me. He is living in our home, having someone pay his bills ( used to be me, now his sister), and goes to a job, where he isn't making any money.
I just think, they are making this drag out longer than it needs too.
I can't imagine that I wouldn't get half of everything. I contributed over the last 12 years, probably about 80%to his 20.
I am worried about going to court. My AH has a way of twisting things to his advantage. Also his lawyer has already called me a thief! Will a judge see through that kind of behavior? What could they possibly gain by prolonging this?

LexieCat

Don't worry about testifying in court yet. That's only if the case goes to trial, and your lawyer would prepare you well to testify. I'd be truly shocked if you didn't get approximately half the property, at the very least.

Remember, he's gambling, too, if he goes to trial--the court could give you substantially more than half. In the end, your offer of an even split may be accepted.

Praying

Hi Zircon--I just want to say that I completely understand your frustration. One of my best friends was in a similar situation, and he'd taken most of the credit in her name-- he made most of the money and just stopped paying for anything. Moved out and she was left calling creditors weekly apologizing for things to salvage her credit. (The creditors were very kind about it--she called without fail every Monday for a few years to update them and have them enter in their files that she was trying.)

Her divorce took three years, and she almost caved so many times just to be done. Now she's so glad she didn't. The judge was disgusted with her X. The same year of the divorce she was able to buy a house. Things can work out.

Please don't agree to anything less than 50/50 out of fear, because it sure sounds like you should have that or more. He is a bully. If he can bully you, you have a lot to lose.

And this is truly but a blip in your life. Stay strong, push your lawyer, and demand what you think is fair.

I'm glad everything else is going so well! Congratulations on your huge success!

qtpi

I sympathize because I am going through something similar and wanting it to be over. My lawyer asked for interim alimony- he refused- delaying on negotiating- we asked for a court date and are still waiting. I am starting next week on filling out the financial forms. Financial settlement happens after the divorce, but my lawyer wants to try to start discussions before it is done- so we can wrap this up. The divorce itself is automatic in my state and will happen in November- yay!- but I try not to worry about the money. I am in limbo- because until I know what I am going to get, I can't make certain decisions- like buying a condo or retiring( I am 62 and a half). So here I sit in my 800 square foot rented apartment while Moneybags lives in a 5000 square foot house- I don't miss it all- and certainly not him. But it does make me angry he won't agree to interim alimony. And meanwhile I am pinching pennies and trying not to picture myself as an elderly bag lady.

TimeForMe

Hi Zircon - I also feel your frustration. I felt like a big boulder was in my path and I was stuck until the divorce. As soon as the divorce FINALLY happened, I was able to start moving forward again.

Hang in there!!

Bekindalways

I had no idea Zircon's experience was so common - ugh.

Thanks for all the responses. And hugs to all!

Zircon

Hi,
Thank you for all your responses and advice. I didn't know it was so common either. My heart bleeds for anyone else going through what I am! I don't think you can have any closure until everything is finished! You start to heal, but in my mind, and the federal government, he is still my husband. Our lives are so meshed together, for the last 12 years, I need that document saying we no longer are married. Sounds silly, I know. Still don't understand why it's taking so long. There are no children. There hasn't been any arguments over division of property, because my AH hasn't responded to any of our proposals, hasn't even made a counter proposal. Only
Thing that his lawyer said was if we agreed to give him my computer, they'd agree to mediation. Of course that's not happening. I'm probably will be here next year, still married!
Very frustrating!!

Z

amy55

Zircon,

My heart hurts for you. I also went through one of those kinds of divorces. The thing was, my ex had filed for the divorce, and he just dragged it out for so long, I think he was hoping that I would run out of money to pay my attorney.

Mediation doesn't work in abuse cases. After we went through mediation, his attorney said they had to ''digest things.'' They never really did digest anything. (As an aside on this, I did win at the mediation. I was also considering a marital tort case, and had evidence to back it up. I requested $5000.00 for cosmetic surgery to fix a scar on my face from when he hit me. I was able to show the scar to his attorney, I did get the $5000., and his lawyer then knew what he was dealing with)

After nothing was really done at mediation, we had another court date. They were still "digesting" the mediation, and it was a wasted day, and the judge ordered my ex to pay $1750. to my attorney for the wasted day. That still did not convince my ex to cooperate.

My divorce took a year and a half.

My mom came into NJ from Florida right after my divorce, and kidnapped me and took me back to Florida with her for 3 weeks. I really needed that!!!!!!!!!

Thinking of you
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

LexieCat

Now see, that whole computer thing sends up huge red flags again. Have you poked around in it to see what might be there that he wants so badly? Computers aren't that expensive, so the fact that he's hinging everything on that makes me think there's something on there he REALLY doesn't want you to find.

I don't think your divorce is taking an especially long time. I know it feels that way to you, but legal proceedings often move at a snail's pace. Very frustrating for litigants, but I think if you try to relax (I know, easier said than done) you will save yourself some angst. What I'm trying to say is that it really won't mean much in the long run. I know you're anxious to get it over with, but I'd be quite surprised if it isn't resolved before this time next year. Just hunker down and remember, the more anxious you look to him, the more he will be dying to drag it out. If you act like you've got all the time in the world to wait for what you have coming to you, it takes some of the wind out of his sails.

LexieCat

Oh, and just to be clear, in my suggestion above that you consider letting him have "something" that's important to him, I wouldn't give on the computer. There's something more going on with that request than an emotional attachment. So I'm glad to hear you intend to hold firm on that one.