SummerBee

Thank you Oona. I have often felt that alcoholism is a 'relationship' in a way. You feel so connected to the booze, it becomes your friend. Until of course, it becomes your enemy and then the 'relationship' turns very dark and sour as we all know to our cost. I have almost treated a glass or bottle of wine with reverance if that makes sense.

sobersolstice

I've only hidden bottles once (except in H.S.)... and they were shooters after I told a good friend I lived with that I had stopped after getting a DUI that totaled my car. Luckily, no one but myself was involved (ice on road + concert).

He was one of my best friends... Won't talk to me anymore after breaking his trust. Had to move out.

I'm remembering many things as I peruse through threads. Woke up at 3am today. I'm only on day 2, and ready to go hiking at 6am.

SummerBee

Enjoy your healthy hike 😀

Ooona

Yes, like a long lost lover that you know is unhealthy and toxic but you just cant seem to break free of. The super highs and then the super lows, but you find yourself focusing on how good you feel when you and that lover are together, downplaying how bad you feel after the good plays out. The dance goes on and on, each time you revisit the lover and invite back into your life, you lose more and more of yourself, of your soul. This lover robs you of your self worth, self esteem and leaves you feeling like a weak, sick, used and discarded human being.

When do we finally say no and mean it? How do we break free of the hold this lover has over us? What I found was that I couldnt trust my own resolve ALONE. I MUST have the strength of those who care about me, who hold me accountable, who I can go to when Im lost or when Im tempted to return to the madness. I must be HONEST with myself and others.

You are doing awesome because you are doing those things here! You CAN end this relationship, I promise you that you can. You can be free of this toxic relationship and another promise is that you can and will be happy, healthy, joyous and FREE!

Keep staying close to everyone here and let us help you do this.

LBrain

He found it and filled it with water... He's hurting for sure...

So rather than getting the message, you try to do a better job of hiding it. Yet you say you know the problem and want to do better.

I watched a movie last night where soldiers were getting off a landing raft in water too deep. As they sunk to the bottom, some we struggling to swim to the top, other tried to move along the bottom with all that weight of their gear still on them, and others simple started stripping off all the heavy gear they were carrying in order to survive. Those that kept the weight on drowned. Those that unloaded the weight did not drown.

It's like you are holding on to a big rock and going down, yet you refuse to let go of that rock. Let it go. Come up for air...

August252015

Hope you join us, Lolly!

I can 100000% relate to the OP about hiding. OMG....I shudder at my habits and don't even want to share to give anyone "ideas." ;(

Life is SO much better on this side for countless reasons. Just one is that I know anyone- my boyfriend (also in recovery), my mom, anybody who comes over or would look at my phone or be in my car or anything, would not find any contraband, see a text about what I did last night (that I shouldn't have done)....nada. My life is an open book and it is so peaceful to have that. The amount of mental energy alone that I spent into sneaking is exhausting to think about now. No wonder my body, mind and spirit were so exhausted 223 days ago (I am 222 days sober).

You can do it. Now sounds like a great time for an AA meeting. It will take time to repair your family relationships and trust and the first step to all of that, and everything else, is to stop drinking for good.

Good luck.

Camery03

I can relate to the hiding bottles everywhere. I am moving, and have found bottles stashed everywhere. The only time anyone ever found any of the bottles was when I thought I was "clever" and making drinks in the laundry room. My friend went in to the laundry room and came back with the bottle in his hand..... I am sure he went to check to see how the "laundry" was coming along, since I kept going in there.......
This weekend and now sounds like the perfect time for you. There are obligations that wont allow for drinking, which will make it easier.
One thing I learned early on in my sobriety ( I am just over 4 months) is to stay close to the sight-- there are a lot of good people on here, and always someone there.
Hang in there-- you can do it!

tomsteve

Im thinking the anger you are experiencing is aimed at yourself- you feel guilt and shame, and your angry for letting the problem get this bad?

U75

Well, it seems that way when you're still drinking, doesn't it? Your AV will put all sorts of complications in your mind; it will keep you confused, unable to see things clearly, and work to justify your drinking in your own head. It's insidious.

I'm among the people on this forum who will advocate the position that there really aren't many layers at all; that sobriety is a choice between black and white. In order to get to the place where you can meaningfully move forward with sobriety, you need to accept and internalize the fact that, for the rest of your life, you simply cannot have another drink, ever.

It really is a simple concept. That being said, in this case "simple" is by no means synonymous with "easy." In addition, it is so much easier to see the simplicity of it after having gained the perspective that a few weeks of sobriety can give you. While you're still drinking, it is much more complicated--again, your AV throwing wrenches into your plans for recovery.

Right now, the best advice I can give you is to take those bottles out of the dustbin and pour them down the sewer. Don't buy anymore. Take the next 48 hours one hour at a time, and commit to being sober for the next hour. You can do it.

Bunny211

I started laughing because I can SO RELATE. I have been there. Oh man, the places I hid my booze. And the lies! Once I was staying at my father's house and I had nothing but there was an old bottle of cheap champagne in the pantry. I popped it open at 6am...on the porch....very carefully, shaking from withdrawals, and it made a HUGE pop and my dad yelled "What was that?!" And I said something about fireworks or gunshots maybe....at 6am on a Tuesday. Good lord. Do NOT miss those days.

graciepearl

It's your journey too Lolly. We are all on the path together and instead of hiding them how about throwing them out. Then place little notes of encouragement where you used to hide them You can do this !!

Delizadee

You know you're scraping the bottom of the alcoholic barrel when you just get out of the ICU after 4 days, to go home and find all your carefully hidden stashes and empties have been dumped, cleaned up and removed. I had been taken by ambulance to the local hospital and when I was unresponsive I was intubated and taken to the city hospital and put in intensive care. Tox screen said my blood alcohol level was at 0.428 and they didn't know what I had taken (a handful of sleeping pills, but those never showed up on the tox screen dunno why) so pumped me full of charcoal. Boy was I pissed when I woke up with a tube down my throat.

The insanity was the absolute shame and embarassment that came for a split second before the indignant rage set in that my half a 1.4L bottle of vodka was gone.
All the empties. All my hiding spots. Picked through and cleaned up.
That was 13 months ago.
I still haven't learned my lesson. We alcoholics go to ridiculous lengths. I still have empties tucked into a pair of boots from months ago that I even moved here.
Weird.
We're like squirrels with our nuts... yep definitely nuts.