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Class of September 2016 Part 3

Old 10-11-2016, 01:05 PM
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Just a quick check in. I'm off on holiday tomorrow so won't be logging in, if at all.

Hope everyone is doing OK and stays strong and focused.

See you all soon x
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:29 PM
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Bon Voyage RAL
congrats on two weeks Sazzle!

Hope your sleep finds a natural rhythm soon Helen...and looks like yours may have tekink?

D
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Old 10-11-2016, 03:41 PM
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Day 35 .. I like the sound of that number. . Hope everyone is doing well! Job interview tomorrow at 3 . Prepping my clothing n such., I always get so nervous for interviews. Especially the first one after a hiatus. I had one this exact same day last year.. (Crazy right) got the job and ruined that after 3 months...here's to another start.
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Old 10-11-2016, 05:28 PM
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Greetings everyone! I received my shipment of kratom today (intense love/hate feelings!) and had to switch my Doctor's appointment to a little later this week as I couldn't get a ride into town this morning. But it is rebooked. He knows I drink kratom tea ... and he knows I take it everyday for alcohol cravings and anxiety but I'm pretty sure he doesn't know how dependent I am on it. But he will know when I see him next. I am making arrangements to go to an inpatient treatment program for addictions and trauma (hopefully in January) and for that I will need to be off the kratom completely as I can't take it with me. So that right there will be some good motivation to force me to taper. I strongly considered just giving it all up now but I would be seriously concerned for my mental and emotional health if I did that. I think it would just be way too much all at once for me to handle. But that is why I'll discuss this with my family doctor and see if we can come up with a sensible (and somewhat tolerable!) taper schedule. I have trouble tapering anything sometimes so I may have to get my mother or someone to help me stick to my tapering plan. I get so extremely depressed coming off kratom it's hard to do anything ... and I don't think it's wise to push myself too far right now as it just might very well be too much. I"m just in a black hole with what feels like a flu from hell. The depression is the worst by far. I could white knuckle it through if it was just some uncomfortable or painful physical symptoms but it's much worse than that (though the physical are pretty hellish too). The extreme restlessness legs prevents me from sleeping at all or being able to relax in anyway, while also being too exhausted and ill to do anything. I'm frustrated as running out of kratom early certainly made it all too apparent that I still have a lot of work to do with Recovery. But my parents have been extremely supportive. I am still doing great with my alcohol recovery. I've been taking my medication responsibly. I'm still going to AA as much as possible. I am going into intensive addictions and trauma treatment for a month. I feel bad about the kratom but that isn't going to change anything I guess. But doing something about it will. I guess running out early just gave me a swift kick up the rear to start doing something about getting off the kratom too so I can be completely free from active addiction.

After the delivery today I had a very productive day outside putting up gates and beginning to screw the boards in place on the fence. I am pretty sure I can bring all my four horses here on Thursday (YIPPEE!!!!!) and put them in the corral with the shelter while we work on the rest of the fencing with a somewhat more relaxed and slower pace.

This coming Thursday will be an excellent day. I am finally bringing my horses home and I will reach my much anticipated 30 day milestone. Bring on my red chips
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Old 10-11-2016, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by CuteNGayYay View Post
Day 35 .. I like the sound of that number. . Hope everyone is doing well! Job interview tomorrow at 3 . Prepping my clothing n such., I always get so nervous for interviews. Especially the first one after a hiatus. I had one this exact same day last year.. (Crazy right) got the job and ruined that after 3 months...here's to another start.
My most sincere congratulations on day 35 It does indeed have a nice ring to it! And I hope your interview tomorrow goes brilliantly well for you. I imagine you will be much more on your game and bright eyed and bushy tailed than you would be if you were actively drinking! No hungover interviews for you That's awesome.
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Old 10-11-2016, 05:49 PM
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I'm glad you're going to be honest with your Dr windancer.
I hope you can get off the kratom soon

D
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Old 10-11-2016, 06:07 PM
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Awe thank you for the support Dee.

I also just wanted to be sure that everyone knew this wasn't something I was trying to hide. I was well aware I also had an addiction to kratom that certainly needed addressing. I also have strong co-dependency issues and am concerned about the use of sleeping pills. But I am well aware of all this and it is crystal clear to me that ALL of these addictions must be addressed and focused on as part of my Recovery. I've just been in such a crisis state for so many months with so many losses and a terrible breakup I feel like I'm on the cusp and I am really terrified to tip myself too far too soon. I have this feeling of intense impending doom and it scares the living crap out of me. But compared to a month ago I am SO MUCH BETTER. The difference is like night and day. Wow.
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Old 10-11-2016, 06:17 PM
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I commend you for being so honest and open here windancer

D
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Old 10-11-2016, 10:57 PM
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Thank you Wind! So excited for you to have your horses right in your backyard. That will be such an amazing thing for you and for your recovery.
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Old 10-12-2016, 02:52 AM
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Hi all,

Still here...

CuteNGayYay - hope the job interview goes well! You'll be on Dy 36, so that should give you lots of confidence going in.

Windancer - I hadn't heard of kratom. Not sure if it's a big thing here in the UK? But it's good that you are going to make a plan with your family doctor - and if your mother is able to support you through tapering, that also sounds like a great way forward. Hooray for getting your horses back on Thursday - that will hopefully give you a lift and a new focus. My beloved dog is away for a couple of weeks because we're having work done at the house - I'm missing her terribly!

Six weeks for me today. Still feel a bit meh about it all - I know I have to stop drinking, and taking booze out of my life is certainly cutting down on the chaos and extremes of up and down. I'm glad that I never have to wake up with that feeling of "Uh-oh, what did I do / say last night?"

But I miss it.

I went out for dinner last night and had soda water, but I felt jealous when I looked around at people with their red wine. I know it's poison. I know it depresses me and makes me less able to cope with day to day life - but sobriety still feels like a loss to me.

I find "forever" too overwhelming to commit to and I know that if I consciously aim for that now, I'm likely to give up. So I've told myself that I'm not going to drink for a year, and then I'm going to reassess: has my life, overall, been improved by cutting alcohol out of it? Has my depression been less severe? Am I more productive? Am I happier? If the answer to those questions is yes, then presumably I will decide to do another year - and another year - and then either those years will turn into "forever", or at some point I will feel able to commit to "forever". I find having to make a decision not to drink each day very draining - so this way, the decision is MADE for the foreseeable future and alcohol is off the table - but I don't have to deal with the overwhelming idea of "forever". At least, not yet. Does that make any sense?

Since stopping drinking, I've become acutely aware of society's messages about alcohol. It's all around us: not just the obvious things like ads, but the subtler messages we send out all the time via sitcoms / movies / music videos etc that alcohol = relaxation = fun = sociability = celebration = happiness = a solution. How many sitcoms do you see where the fun starts when the booze comes out? Or dramas where someone faces a loss or a crisis, so a friend pours them a drink? It's EVERYWHERE. Socialising (in the UK, at least) seems to revolve around alcohol. I'm trying to be conscious of it and keep telling myself that I can make a choice not to buy into it. But we're all brainwashed. I know how low alcohol brought me - yet part of me is still hardwired to believe that I'm missing out by not pouring it down my neck. It's crazy.

Anyway - this has been a bit of a rambling post! Just thinking out loud.

Hope you're all having a good week.
xx
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Old 10-12-2016, 06:44 AM
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Good morning folks.

SSOH I could just copy and paste your whole post and say "ditto" lol. I have a thread on here somewhere where I talk about counting days and I talk about not being committed to not drinking forever. I say that I have some very nice bottles of wine that I fully intend to drink "some day". I got a lot of push back for that, but I totally agree with you that it is difficult to wrap your head around the "forever" concept. Perhaps it's my inner 3 year old throwing a tantrum (others will call it my AV) but I am no further committed that quitting for now, for whatever that means. I've been told on here that that means I will definitely drink again. Well yes, I believe that's what I said myself lol. But for now I'm still hanging in there. I'm not officially counting days any more but for what it's worth my phone app tells me I am on day 14 after my two glass "slip" (is it a slip if it is a conscious decision in that moment?). I was at 22 days (I think) at that point.

I also notice alcohol a lot in media. There is a cartoon that I like to read that is based on middle aged women and they are usually socializing over glasses of wine or going out for margaritas. There are lots of Facebook memes about drinking such as of people drinking from giant wine glasses saying they are only having one. I watch Coronation Street and while I was still drinking I would want to get a glass of wine when watching the Rovers' scenes. It doesn't seem to bother me as much now. There is a lot out there subtly (and not so subtly) telling us that this is how women socialize - over wine. Or drinking wine at home alone. The wine industry has done an amazing marketing campaign normalizing women's drinking. If it is known that a woman is sitting at home drinking a bottle of vodka the perception is that she is a drunk. If she is sitting at home drinking wine she is a fun, carefree woman winding down after a hard day. It's all about the marketing.

I didn't get much done around here yesterday. Instead I spent way too much time playing on the computer. So today I need to do something constructive. There is no shortage of housework and whatnot to be done lol. Have a good one everyone!
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Old 10-12-2016, 07:50 AM
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Hi Helen - That point about the acceptability of solo wine drinking versus solo vodka is such an interesting one! It's seen as fine to pour a "nice glass of wine" on your own (or even a G&T), and media images bombard us with images of people doing just that. We're told that it's sophisticated, even. But reaching for the vodka would be seen in a completely different way - even though it's essentially the same stuff! The messages that wine / cocktails = female bonding are very strong (same for messages about men and beer, I guess).

My position is that I can't be sure what I "fully intend" in the future - at least, not yet. I've been through several cycles of attempting moderation - making promises to myself and my husband about "only at weekends" or "only the recommended units" - and I've broken them every time. Because of my repeated broken promises (which I truly meant at the time!), I find it difficult to trust myself. That's why I find it easier to get my head around a year to begin with - it feels achievable in a way that "forever" doesn't at the moment, but it's also long enough for me to (hopefully!) see real change and want to continue the commitment. I guess what I'm really saying is that I am trying to coax myself to a point where I genuinely don't want to drink. I understand - logically - that alcohol doesn't do anything good for me. But the underlying sense that I'm still denying myself something hasn't gone away. I hope that the more "evidence" I can build up for myself that I can live happily without alcohol, the easier it will be to smash that AV / inner 3 year old down!

Aside from Dry January (which I've done several times to 'prove' to myself that I didn't have a problem - in itself, a sure sign that I did!), this 6 weeks is the longest I have been without alcohol in my adult life. I have never committed to a long and serious quit before, and in a way, I see that as an advantage: having been in a cycle of failed moderation, I don't want to get into a cycle of quitting then relapsing, as I know I will lose trust in myself more each time that happens. So for my personal psychology, I think a renewed commitment each year is likely to be more successful. We're also hoping to start a family next year - so that will be a further reason to keep up my sobriety.

I'll stop wittering now... I don't post for ages, then two long rambles in one day!
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Old 10-12-2016, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by SomeSortOfHuman View Post
I guess what I'm really saying is that I am trying to coax myself to a point where I genuinely don't want to drink. I understand - logically - that alcohol doesn't do anything good for me. But the underlying sense that I'm still denying myself something hasn't gone away. I hope that the more "evidence" I can build up for myself that I can live happily without alcohol, the easier it will be to smash that AV / inner 3 year old down!
I understand this. I am at a point where it really doesn't bother me to be not drinking. I didn't have physical withdrawals, it was more the habit of it that I needed to break. It mostly comes down to thinking of what I am going to drink when I would normally have a glass of wine, and that has been working out quite well.

I just had a wonderful holiday weekend (Thanksgiving here in Canada) and without any booze I felt very present and connected, even just at simple things such as watching tv with my husband and enjoying each other's company. I had already decided when my granddaughter was born this year that I don't want to be drinking when I am around her, I am just taking that thought process further now.
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Old 10-12-2016, 08:45 AM
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I can't drink again. I cannot control myself. I love red wine. I had to pour out 1/3 of a bottle that cost $45 wholesale. I own a wine bar. I'll never drink wine again and being an owner of a wine bar lots of very high end bottles are just given to us.

That 1/3 bottle that got poured out, that's because my wife isn't like me and she is an expert on wine. Certified Wine Educator and by herself she can't kill a bottle at home before it goes bad. She has no problem stopping after one. I'd be the person killing those bottles in the past.
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Old 10-12-2016, 02:15 PM
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The key to lasting recovery for me has been changing my life really.
My old life was custom built around drinking. I needed a new life.

That's not a quick or simple process - so I had to miss drinking for a while - I had to go through the sadness and anger to get to a place where I really accepted that alcohol and I had a toxic relationship and always would.

I believed what people told me - that as long as I stayed sober I'd end up somewhere different than I had in the past...and they were right...it all worked out.

Keep the faith guys

D
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Old 10-12-2016, 08:38 PM
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Hi everyone~
Enjoy your holiday ReadyAtLast

I hope your job interview went well CuteNGayYay

Congrats on 30 days tomorrow Windancer! Happy to hear your horses are coming home

Day 15
I made it to the Wednesday SMART meeting tonight. It is in a different part of town and has a different leader than the Monday meeting so I wanted to see if it was different than the Monday meeting. There were 8 people there plus the leader. I was the only female there so I was a little uncomfortable but everyone was nice and welcoming. Everyone went around the room and introduced themselves and talked about their week, what they had going on, etc. The leader of this meeting pushed a little more than the leader in the Monday meeting, he asked questions about what people said and asked others if they had any input or suggestions. I was last and talked more tonight than I have at any of the Monday meetings.

Because I was really nervous before the meeting, and a little throughout the meeting, my typical response would be to drink afterwards, and I really wanted to. I thought about it while driving around for a little bit, and I didn't make a good food decision for dinner, but I didn't drink. I lost 4.5lbs at my weigh in yesterday and am messing that up already. I am really trying, I will start fresh tomorrow.

Happy Thursday everyone
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Old 10-13-2016, 12:16 AM
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Made it through day 36. Goodnight! Was a busy one. ..goodnight class!
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Old 10-13-2016, 12:36 AM
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Thanks Dee. I think so much of my desire for alcohol must just be habit - the chemical itself has been out of my system for a long time now! I'll try to keep the faith!
x
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Old 10-13-2016, 04:19 AM
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wooHOO! Day#30 for me and

I'M GETTING MY HORSES HOME FROM MY EX'S FARM TODAY!!!

So I'm up early and crossing my fingers I can get all the horses and bring them and the rest of my stuff home with no drama from my ex. If he makes a scene about my stuff I don't care so much as long as I get my four horses here. I'll feel so much better when they are all here safe and sound.

Excellent way to celebrate 30 days of sobriety.
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Old 10-13-2016, 04:31 AM
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Congratulations on both counts windancer
congratulations to you too emme & cagy

time for a new thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html

D
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