My "Sober" Judgments
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
My "Sober" Judgments
It's been roughly a month and a half since I had a drink. 44 days, to be exact, I think. For the last two weeks, I've been in a hotel thousands of miles from home, working on a special assignment for work which I'm pretty confident I would not have gotten if I was still drinking. See, we had a big national meeting that I usually got hammered at, along with many other coworkers, just before I came here on two days notice. But this year I was not drinking, so I did all of the "homework" thoroughly before the big meeting, which meant lots of reading and researching and... thinking about what I read and researched, and in general preparing for lots of discussion at the meeting. Usually I would casually read some things on the plane on the way there, and slide through showing competence but not enough to stand out. This year I participated a lot, and did well. So well that I was asked/told to go to this special assignment for a week. Now I'm doing well and have been told to stay as long as I can. So, here I am.
I'm really grateful for the opportunity and am very clear that this is a somewhat dramatic reward for early sobriety. And alcohol is all over the place when you're working out of town, but I'm not noticing it in the way I have before: it's like a switch was flipped, by being grateful for the opportunity to do this and knowing that drinking would definitely result in immediately decreased performance. It's stressful to be away from home, and sometimes I'm not sleeping enough, but for the most part I'm good. Great, actually. I really want to value and remember this time, one when I don't have hangovers, can think more clearly, can be more diplomatic, quick on my feet, and accepting of circumstances I can't control, than I have been when I was drinking. I want to truly value the choices I'm making, and take the consequences of those good choices as a platform to help myself and others.
This hotel is such a party zone, though. I feel like a tourist in every sense of the word, and have fleeting reminders that I'm not one. Walk through the big fancy lobby that smells like expensive vodka at 10 PM, past the women in fancy high heels with glasses in their hands, wearing jeans because I've been out for an evening walk. The jeans have a hole in the knee. I most definitely don't fit in. The hole in the knee happened just in late July, after about 6 gin and tonics in two hours, when I was stumbling around lost looking for a bus I was supposed to catch, and I lost my balance and had a bad spill. A little souvenir that was, on my favorite jeans. A reminder.
Last night, when I was almost T-boned in the rental car by a drunk driver, a couple of blocks from the hotel when I was returning from a sober and solo dinner.
Hearing people outside shouting the same thing over and over to each other.
It's so easy to judge. I can feel it creeping in sometimes, kind of sinister-like. I'm so glad I'm not like them. I'm so glad I'm walking in a straight line, and not shouting and carrying on. I'm so glad I'm not numbing myself to forget I'm not really having a good time. I'm so glad I have my wits about me, unlike these clowns. I've got my (stuff) way more together than them. That's why I'm here. Judgment masquerading as gratitude. My own head making others' choices my business.
Something about it feels wrong. Icky. Like I'm missing the mark.
It's my choice to not drink today. That's all I have. What anyone else is doing is not my business (although the guy driving the car probably is). But this post is to remind myself that I'm doing my sobriety zero favors by getting on some kind of moral high horse in my head. I feel like I need to "tell on myself" here about it. So that's what I'm doing.
Thanks for being here.
xoxo
B
I'm really grateful for the opportunity and am very clear that this is a somewhat dramatic reward for early sobriety. And alcohol is all over the place when you're working out of town, but I'm not noticing it in the way I have before: it's like a switch was flipped, by being grateful for the opportunity to do this and knowing that drinking would definitely result in immediately decreased performance. It's stressful to be away from home, and sometimes I'm not sleeping enough, but for the most part I'm good. Great, actually. I really want to value and remember this time, one when I don't have hangovers, can think more clearly, can be more diplomatic, quick on my feet, and accepting of circumstances I can't control, than I have been when I was drinking. I want to truly value the choices I'm making, and take the consequences of those good choices as a platform to help myself and others.
This hotel is such a party zone, though. I feel like a tourist in every sense of the word, and have fleeting reminders that I'm not one. Walk through the big fancy lobby that smells like expensive vodka at 10 PM, past the women in fancy high heels with glasses in their hands, wearing jeans because I've been out for an evening walk. The jeans have a hole in the knee. I most definitely don't fit in. The hole in the knee happened just in late July, after about 6 gin and tonics in two hours, when I was stumbling around lost looking for a bus I was supposed to catch, and I lost my balance and had a bad spill. A little souvenir that was, on my favorite jeans. A reminder.
Last night, when I was almost T-boned in the rental car by a drunk driver, a couple of blocks from the hotel when I was returning from a sober and solo dinner.
Hearing people outside shouting the same thing over and over to each other.
It's so easy to judge. I can feel it creeping in sometimes, kind of sinister-like. I'm so glad I'm not like them. I'm so glad I'm walking in a straight line, and not shouting and carrying on. I'm so glad I'm not numbing myself to forget I'm not really having a good time. I'm so glad I have my wits about me, unlike these clowns. I've got my (stuff) way more together than them. That's why I'm here. Judgment masquerading as gratitude. My own head making others' choices my business.
Something about it feels wrong. Icky. Like I'm missing the mark.
It's my choice to not drink today. That's all I have. What anyone else is doing is not my business (although the guy driving the car probably is). But this post is to remind myself that I'm doing my sobriety zero favors by getting on some kind of moral high horse in my head. I feel like I need to "tell on myself" here about it. So that's what I'm doing.
Thanks for being here.
xoxo
B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
So true and so easy to slip into the 'better than' thinking. And just because some people are drunk at a hotel, chances are they aren't alcoholics. Just normal people drinking too much. Alcoholics aren't the norm at all.
Compassion, no comparisons, no judgments. You seem to be aware of this!
Compassion, no comparisons, no judgments. You seem to be aware of this!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Agreed, wonderful post.
It jives with a quote from my devotional this morning - "To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." (Will Durant)
Acceptance of others is at the core of AA (my dedicated path of recovery) and it is one I have to work on every day, about every person and thing in my (and the bigger) world.
Thanks for sharing.
It jives with a quote from my devotional this morning - "To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." (Will Durant)
Acceptance of others is at the core of AA (my dedicated path of recovery) and it is one I have to work on every day, about every person and thing in my (and the bigger) world.
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Ok I understand your point - and agree - but I also think it is okay to acknowledge that (on that night at least) you made a good decision. Some amount of judgement (in my opinion) should be present, and you can feel ownership and pride about making the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." (Will Durant)
Wow! I really like this saying!
I don't know about others, but I also felt a bit high and mighty when I first got sober. I think maybe it was a way of cementing my sobriety. I had a lot of thoughts, not all were very nice. But my brain seemed to do a lot of ruminating in the early days. Sobriety is a process and now mindfulness and acceptance is reining.
Congrats on 44 days. That is awesome!
Wow! I really like this saying!
I don't know about others, but I also felt a bit high and mighty when I first got sober. I think maybe it was a way of cementing my sobriety. I had a lot of thoughts, not all were very nice. But my brain seemed to do a lot of ruminating in the early days. Sobriety is a process and now mindfulness and acceptance is reining.
Congrats on 44 days. That is awesome!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
This is what I love about AA. No matter where my travels take me I can find a group of people just like me. I'm never a stranger just a friend they haven't met. I'm reminded that I'm not a poster child for a life well lead and but by the grace of God there go I
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
That's an excellent and well written post, THANK YOU!
Man, I do that ALL the time. I've been on Day 2 before and looking at those poor day drinkers in bars, SMUG MUCH? It sure is easy looking at everyone else, and I need the constant reminder to focus on myself.
Thank you again!
Man, I do that ALL the time. I've been on Day 2 before and looking at those poor day drinkers in bars, SMUG MUCH? It sure is easy looking at everyone else, and I need the constant reminder to focus on myself.
Thank you again!
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