Ali43

I wasn't going to post today because yet again I let myself down and alcohol won. So many things to do to keep normal life ticking over but I chose to waste my Friday drinking and watching mindless TV (which I never even remember the next day). Rubbish nights sleep which I know is due to the alcohol so I'm now still in bed having finished my 1st bottle because I told myself I'd feel better if I just have a bottle before getting on with jobs! Even if know how stupid that is! My boys come home at 10pm so my crazy alcoholic mind decides to drink early and sober up layer. Leaving all my weekly & weekend chores not done because I choose to be an alcoholic slob! This is my cycle and I MUST break it before I loose my kids.

Ali43

@hammers. I've tried to let the bottles stack up as a way of facing my true problem but even that didn't stop me. You'd think that having to take multiple bags out of various hiding places in the house would be a massive wake up call but in my world the guilt didn't even last a day :-(

Elle126

Oh Ali, so sorry to see you are still struggling, am sending you big strong hugs and am asking my angels to wrap their wings around you to comfort and protect you.
IMHO it would seem that loneliness is a big trigger for you, have you considered on the nights/days when your boys are with their dad going to AA? You would find so much comfort and support there.
I know it's hard darling, thank you for posting. You are not alone.
Hugs and love. Elle🙏

Quincy

Hi Ali and belated Welcome. I know where you are at because I've been there just a month or so ago. I was stuck in the cycle you described.

Actually, my cycle was drink like there was no tomorrow over the weekends and be hungover every other day of the week except maybe Thursday where I felt okay (at best looking back). Towards the end I would drink more often during the week just to feel better.

In any case, for me I spent at least the last year thinking about quitting (especially on Monday mornings) and did quite a few things to try and balance my life to help me stop drinking (i.e., been seeing a counselor for a year, took a mindful meditation class, a nutrition class through the university).

However, I did all these things hoping I would just quit drinking. It's interesting when I would talk to my counselor (I never brought up my drinking to him) about the things in my life bothering me I would think to myself, "All these items are troublesome because of my drinking", but I still continued even though the answer was clear. I was stuck in addiction and my CYCLE.

With all that being said. On 8/15/16 I finally decided deep from within I WANTED to quit and was no longer going to HOPE to quit. This "want" versus "hope" was key. That first day, first week, first half of the next week where tough, tough, tough. Not all bad, but tough, but worth it.

It wasn't until I broke the CYCLE that I could think clearly and logically and start putting a real plan together.

If you are able to break the CYCLE even for a couple of weeks you may find it gets easier to stay stopped and put a plan together for long term recovery.

thomas11

Ali you are 100% correct, it is a cycle. And that cycle needs to be smashed into tiny little pieces. It can be done. Just like Quincy mentions, until you can break it, you'll continue to live in alcohol jail.

tomsteve

difficult, but not impossible.
if you can find the time to drink and also go to a counsellor, seems you could find the time for meetings.

the absolute ONLY way i could get sober is by becoming willing to do ANYTHING to get sober.

Ali43

@Tomsteve- I completely agree with what you've said but what if I'm not willing to lose my children, my job and my home? You are 100% right though, I could be going to meetings sometimes. Friday and today were prime examples of choosing drink over recovery. Thank you for the much needed reminder and I hope next time I'll remember your words!

tomsteve

continued drinking will keep those?

Ali43

It's Monday morning and afternoon re-reading everyone's posts I am ready to do anything to get out of this cycle of abuse and start living again. I heard people talking about having a plan but can't find any information on the best way to implement it. I know my plan for today and the Forse able future is to drive home from work and different way so I don't pass the shop I've been stopping at. I'm also going to have a bath when I want to give in and go to the shop. I hope that being ready for bed in pj's will make it a harder to pop down the shop once the kids are in bed. Are these the kind of things I put in a plan? I need to have lots of alternative options because I know my addictive mind manages to creep in and take control if I'm not 100% committed to what I'm doing. My worst times are 3.30-10pm Monday-Thursday and Wednesday and Thursday are massive hurdles to get across because I don't have my kids to look after. Maybe I need to find a meeting those nights? I'm not sure I'm committed enough to AA as I have issues with Christianity having been brought up strict Roman Catholic which was forced and never a choice. Happy Monday everyone and I hope I can post tonight saying I've ticked off day 1. BTW I'very got Allan Carrier easy way to stop drinking. Any opinions on the book? Thanks for taking the time to read my post :-)

Lightning Bug

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

You can do this!

Soberwolf

I've heard it's a good read bud

Stick with us it makes all the difference

Berrybean

I'm also in the UK. I go to AA and can honestly say that in my home group out of about 30 regulars, you could count the Christians on one hand. In AA, when God is referred to it is a God of your own understanding. Nothing to do with organised religion, either Christian or otherwise. For many people GOD might stand for Great Out Doors, Good Orderly Direction, or Group Of Drunks. One person I know describes himself as having kind of bhuddist pagan leanings. Others it's more a matter of their own conscience, and listening to that rather than blotting it out like they used to. I know it's easy to presume it means a Christian God or religion when we first hear it mentioned, but it really isn't that at all. Sure, there may be some Christians there. But no more so than at work or in Tesco. Many churches do support the work of AA, and give good rental rates for their rooms, so you may see churches pop up on the directory for where meetings are held. Every AA group is fully self supporting so they'll a always be held in places where the rent is cheap.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

Ali43

Help! What should I do? My alcohol worker just told me its not safe to stop like I want to. I know you're supposed to taper off but that hasn't worked for me, I just can't control the amount I drink once I start. I think my withdrawals will be bearable but I have to continue working and caring for my family without it having a massive impact on either. Am I expecting it to be easier to deal with than it is? I've been drinking daily for 1.5yrs now, started with 1 bottle of wine 11/12% but quickly built up to 2. I got home so determined but now I feel like I've got a reason to drink again tonight. Please any advice would be appreciated. I don't want to have to wait until next Tuesday to speak to someone about it. I'm going to ask for the medication that stops alcohol working as I think that's the only way I may be able to control how much I drink if I do have to stop gradually. Should I be posting this somewhere else? Sorry for sounding so helpless but this forum seems to be pointing me in all the right directions so far. Xx

Wtbaf16

Hi Ali43

I am totally where you are now in every possible respect. I've tried stopping more times than I care to remember. I hate myself. I'm ruining my life and that of my family. I'm ashamed of my weakness and lack of fight. This isn't me but since my daughter was born it has been. Pretty disgusting isn't it? I'm trying again to get my act together so will accompany you on this journey. I hope we both make it. We do deserve some peace which is why I'm going to try mindfulness meditation. Have you tried it?

Wtbaf16

Hi Ali43, please don't panic. And don't head for the bottle. This is going to be a tough 48 hours for you but you can get through it. What time do you usually start drinking? Is it evenings or anytime? I have a suggestion or a few suggestions. Let me know you witching hour!

Ali43

Thanks for posting and so sorry to hear you're in the same place as me! I've been aware of my addiction growing within me for the last 6/7 years but by not confronting it's taken over and I'm so disgusted with myself for letting this happen. I was all set to do a meditation when I got home, in the 30mins before my boys get home from school. The phone call from the drug & alcohol service just knocked me right back down and made me question why make all this effort when I'll probably drink again tonight. Thanks for your support, we WILL get there, just need a lot of support and advice from this wonderful, caring and friendly forum. Xx

Wtbaf16

I'm trying Mindfulness Meditation today. I am going to try and get my daughter into it also. I intend to practice it at the time I usually reach for the bottle. In addition I will contact a counsellor tomorrow as I just cannot handle this on my own. Good luck to you Ali43. Let's hope it gets easier for us!

JK130

You CAN do this! If you're concerned about your health, check in with your doctor. They have the expertise to help.

It's important to get sober for yourself, of course, but sometimes it's easier to get started "for" someone/something else. You mentioned children, a job and a home ...that's a lot of motivation right there! Those are the good in your life, and worth working for, and celebrating! At first, think about what you have to lose if you are drunk. Potentially, everything. Then, as you start to feel better, you can make better decisions about what you have to gain by staying sober.

We all know how hard giving up alcohol is. We also know it's doable, even if you have to fight with every "trick" in the book! Welcome to SR!

fred59

Ali welcome I know how terrifying this can be, you have to put sobriety above everything else or eventually you may lose custody of kids and you could lose your job if drinking gets worse. No excuses get into a recovery program you can do it whether it is AA with the help of a doctor just do it. We are here for you keep posting and good luck.