sleepie

I am sorry Dame, I read them! I understand. I am sorry sometimes I get caught up in trying to reply to people.

PM me anytime

sleepie

Ah, one final thing- I have a habit still, despite whatever may come across here- of just "moving on" and "sucking it up". This was brought to light again for me after the tests I went through at a neuropsychiatrist's office. He said I had symptoms of ptsd. But, I hadn't been through anything that he had on his list of events that might cause it.

But weeks later, I realized actually, maybe living for years in a neighborhood where there were daily shootings and where I had seen people shot at, and literally had blood at my doorstep- where I had been roughed up by 3 men, and where sometimes 20 or 30 gangbangers were ready to rumble in front of my building and I couldn't go into my apartment after work (the cops wouldn't even exit their car)... had something to do with it. I had simply immediately moved on from these incidents because I know that nobody wants to hear it. So ok, ptsd symptoms.

sleepie

Please speak anytime Dame! I did reply to you somewhere here, don't feel left out ok?

sleepie

Actually Endgame, I am fairly certain I also took the time to congratulate you on your achievement regarding martial arts some time ago, which I feel certain if I were "insensitive" I wouldn't have taken a moment to do. So I am going to just say, that assessment really hurts me.

Actually I have also sent original art to people here as well... wow.

EndGameNYC

I didn't imply that you're insensitive, but I did stated that your conclusion that "most people just have the pleasure of blissful ignorance" most certainly is dismissive of the truth of other people's suffering. Surely you've been supportive to people here on SR, but what about your impression of "most people?"

I also didn't suggest you "just drop" you're own suffering, the truth of your past, or any feeling or state of being in which you find yourself.

What I'm wondering is what's in it for you to continue to maintain and protect, sometimes nourish, a deeply negative worldview that, at it's best, only brings you more pain and, with that, further reinforces your negative self-appraisal? I also wanted to bring to your attention, if you haven't already seen this in yourself, that your consistently comparing your suffering to what you assume other people have experienced is completely and without exception self-destructive.

What's in it for you to continue making yourself miserable?

sleepie

Ya know Endgame I really think you have it wrong, ok? I am not nursing a wound here. I am trying for the love of god and one shred of hope to find evidence that humanity is not entirely sick and twisted like what I learned and was exposed to for 20 years of my life.

But really, some of the responses here are not convincing me I am wrong.

And that is my honest answer, and you asked, so there it is.

And no, I am not focusing on "negative" and no I am not ignoring the "outpouring of love and support" I have gotten here. But yes, for someone like me who has seen what I have when I have, I need more convincing. I would love to have my mind blown.

ScottFromWI

Doesn't the never-ending flood of support, love and empathy you receive here qualify as a "shred of hope"? You say you'd like to have your mind blown....why not go back and read through the thousands and thousands of positive, reinforcing posts people have written specifically for you. And keep in mind that ALL of these people also have problems of their own, many similar or worse than yours.

Does that not blow your mind that all these people continually return to help you over and over, despite anything you say or do? And it's not just you they help...it's anyone who comes here.

Delizadee

I always relate a lot to your posts because that's a lot of what my inner dialogue is like. And it's definitely a sticking point for me and the truth is that we really can be our own worst enemies.
There are a lot of people who have been through horrors we can't imagine and made an absolute joy out of their lives... it's all in how you look at things, what you've got and what you choose to do with it.
No one person's experience is better or worse than the next person's. Our experience is each our own and NO ONE could possibly understand exactly the path we have walked.

Humanity is not all sick and twisted. If you immersed yourself in recovery and outreach work, volunteering, watched inspirational and motivational videos or listened to podcasts, read uplifting books, etc (and yes I DO know you have done a number of those things) you might start eeking out some more of the good in the world. You have to be open to it though, and be actively working for or looking for it.

Picking out all of the negatives out of all these replies is not doing you any good sleepie. We all care for you here, and like I said I do relate a lot to your words. I really don't like admitting this at all and this is not a one-upping deal, but I have been struggling with where my life is at and since my last suicide attempt, I really haven't gotten past the anger that I'm still here, the shame that I attempted it, the remorse of what it would and did to my loved ones, and why oh why am I still here?
We all have demons in our heads. I just do my best not to entertain those thoughts too long and look for the good and reach out where I can. I dunno. I don't think there's a world of difference between where you and I are mentally and emotionally. Because I have always felt pretty stunted and shut off throughout life. The only difference I see is that when I look for negative, I find it. When I look for the positive, I find it. Seek and ye shall find. Sometimes you have to work a little (or a lot) harder to find the upside, but my dear sleepie, there is ALWAYS an upside, we just have to be willing and able to find it.
I'm not zen master. Like I said... I more often than not feel similarly to you. But in the end it serves me no good and prolongs my pain. Even if I'm thinking and ruminating on all this negative crap in my life, doing little things to get outside my head really helps.

sleepie

It's like I said, my experiences were intense and life affecting.

I have voiced my appreciation for people here on threads, in PM's and even in art. My friends here know they are appreciated and cared for.

I need this, and maybe more. I saw Robbyrobot do it for Cow, and I also contributed a good thing there. She seemed so surprised at a little drawing.

That's what I was hoping for. At least my ability to hope hasn't died.

sleepie

I mentioned all my volunteering acts earlier Deliza.

sleepie

You know, it seems dismissive when I speak of all my former volunteering and how I used to be "positive" and it didn't work, and this is just glazed over.

And I am starting to tire of the implications that I am no more than a self pitying, selfish, non giver who never volunteered their time or efforts in life.

Dame

Even a flood of supporters may not comprehend a "victims" life trajectory. We try to understand, but can we, really? Maybe we just get weary of the "poor me" narrative. But a Woman's narrative is still, sadly, seldom honored in ANY context. I am a late child of 2cnd wave feminism which means that WE fought for Everyone's right to "fill in the blanks _________". All we can do is stop the awful and try to educate to young. Wish us luck.

sleepie

It's true Dame.

I just strongly feel that this is a root for mine and others' addictions. That's why I bring it up.

sleepie

I am actually wondering lately, should I simply resign to feeling off, or different from most others? Should I accept being a bit sad all the time, or what is known as "dysthmia"? Aren't people the product of their experiences and environments? So maybe then it just is the way it is.

I rather lived that way for years before I ever picked up a drink, anyway.

EndGameNYC

Your comments remind me of a poem I first read about forty years ago: "We love not men, but pity Man."

This is and never was about who was "wrong," with the implication that someone therefore must be "right." It's about the life we choose to lead. No matter what we've been through, what we've endured, and what we've suffered, the way we respond to all that is of our own choosing. And so are the consequences. At some point in all our lives, and regardless of what happened in the past, we need to accept that it is entirely up to us as to how we live out our lives.

And I don't seen anything wrong with, nor did I comment on, "licking a wound." My comments were and are about your insistence on the reality of your own narrow vision of life, and your cynical impression of other people.

I've suffered from major depressive disorder for most of my adult life, with episodes of various frequency, length, and intensity. (My mood has generally been pretty stable, but only after I got the help I needed in intense, long-term psychotherapy and, later on, the addition of medication.) As far as I know, I never broke some Cosmic law, written or unwritten, to "deserve" what once was my personal living hell. One of the things that depression, abuse, PTSD and chronic anxiety have in common is cognitive, emotional and perceptual distortion. Across the board, and sometimes lasting for a very long time.

We take the world, and the people in it, and shape them both so as to have them match what's going on in our internal lives. It only feels safer to do so, rather than facing reality for what it is. It's a failed and grandiose effort to control all that we cannot control. After all, the psychiatric conditions I've listed above also have in common a complete sense of being out of control, of being under attack from within. In the end, all we're really doing is further isolating ourselves from what is real, including genuine and supportive connections with other people. And, at some point, the distortion is reality, our reality, so we end up defending a world that doesn't exist in the conventional meaning of that word. It becomes too much to even consider surrendering the distortion.

We all have the right to shape reality in any way we care to do so.But, then, we also carry the obligation to accept the consequences of believing in our creations. If I choose not to believe in gravity, I can test it out in a dramatic way, but I can't test it out more than once. Merry Shelley's Frankenstein is a useful reference.

EndGameNYC

Oh yeah, I also don't believe for a minute that what you need is "more convincing."

We only ever see how deeply we're willing to look. And there is always more to see.

sleepie

And, interestingly- not one word about being abused or called racial slurs by my teachers growing up. Yeah. This is why I don't do therapy. Lack of empathy.

EndGameNYC

Once again, I never said that your depression is a choice. Your attitude towards your depression and your steadfast refusal to get any substantial help for it is your choice, and yours alone.

I can't say that I don't know why you continuously put words in my mouth, or on my laptop, that I never used, because I do know. You may never know this because you'll never trust me. I've become one of the "most people." I'm only concerned with the fact that you don't even seem to know that you do this every time you don't like what I have to say. In the event that you don't know this, what you're doing is also a form of abuse.

Now it's my fault that you refuse to get help. And with one stroke, a whole profession is dismissed, and yet another avenue of relief sealed off. Again.

Hey, look, I don't have any stake in what you do with your life. I'm not your therapist, and you're not my patient. I have no interest in yet again reiterating your abusive past. You think that's empathy? Okay then. Nothing I can do with that. And do you also think that after reading hundreds of posts over the years I don't already know what you've been through? I don't believe that listing your considerable and often continuous episodes of abuse over the years would help anyone. Instead, the more you remind people of all the terrible events in your life in the absence of real treatment, the more your identity becomes only an accumulation of those events and nothing more, a state of being which, I believe, is part of the problem. This is a cardinal symptom of PTSD: reliving the traumatic event, to the extent that it at first merges with, and later overcomes, the true self. You can't fix this at home or with a book.

I don't like to see people suffering, particularly when they refuse to get help, and/or when they believe that help is not possible in such a harsh and cruel world, and that everyone else is to blame. Romantic? Borderline at best. Realistic? Not a chance. But also I won't collaborate with you in ticking off every abuse, every slight, and every insult you've endured in the service of helping you to avoid the real problem.

You seem to be pulling for it at times, but I will neither infantalize you or abuse you as your parents did. I also know my limitations, and when my comments are unwelcome. You don't even give them a moment's thought, and I'm far from alone in this when you don't like what you're hearing or reading.

So, yeah, I'll take a break for a while.

tomsteve

how much volunteer work have you done in the past 8 months?
so, you found out you have aform of depression- whats the solution?

ScottFromWI

Per my public warning a few pages back, this thread is closed and posts have been removed.