Right back into it
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Just sent him the text. Telling him not to bother coming home today IF he was even thinking about it. I don't like being walked out on. That I still love him and when we both get our heads straight maybe we can figure it out. My emotions are too all over the map to deal with it right now anyway.
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Originally Posted by Sephra 
I've got some control in this. I need to take it back.
I know this is tough, and my heart hurts for you. Just remember we are here walking with you.
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sephra...you might see this as splitting hairs...and , maybe, it is ...considering how long ago it happened....
This sentence caught my eye....."I never wanted to be a stepmom, but they put me in it way before I was ready"......
Shouldn't that read: "I never wanted to be a stepmom, but, I put myself into it way before I was ready"....?
This sentence caught my eye....."I never wanted to be a stepmom, but they put me in it way before I was ready"......
Shouldn't that read: "I never wanted to be a stepmom, but, I put myself into it way before I was ready"....?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by Sephra
I still love him and when we both get our heads straight maybe we can figure it out. My emotions are too all over the map to deal with it right now anyway.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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*This sentence caught my eye....."I never wanted to be a stepmom, but they put me in it way before I was ready"......Shouldn't that read: "I never wanted to be a stepmom, but, I put myself into it way before I was ready"....?****
Yes. and No. To be honest, we are still not legally married. I have the longest engagement on record. We have been committed for over a decade, living as spouses, but my bad 1st marriage makes me not so particular about the "legal" aspects. I was very cautious bringing anyone into my sons life after my divorce, and I certainly did not want to jump into his kids lives if it would not work out (4, I repeat, 4 children!) So, I moved slow. Of his four kids, there are two different moms. Very involved. So, although I was very involved from the get go, I did not try to be "mom". I say that they put me in that role, because I remember the shock I felt when I was introduced by them as their parent. When I had my son, (I was 19 and had been married 2 years) I was overwhelmed with the responsibility, no support. Did not choose to have more children. He did not have custody over any of his children when we met. In fact none of them lived with us as minors. His 2 that are addicted have both lived with us as "adults", stepdaughter - way out of control, did not last long. his son, a year here, 3-6 months there, etc. Reading what I read, it sounds like I did not want or love these children. So not true, I have been there, for the "don't tell anyone I'm pregnant" calls, the teaching, getting their first apts. and buying the stuff to outfit it, helping get them a car, the, well, everything, except the discipline, I always felt they had two parents involved, they were not 2 year olds, living in my home that needed me to discipline them. They have been and are my family for over a decade. As I only have my mom, and lost "family" during my last divorce, its a title I don't use lightly. If I came off as I don't love or haven't bonded with the kids, thats wrong. Cause I do, and have, especially his son, actually his son is only a year older than mine, and not ever having daughters I related to his son the most, and was closest to him moreso than any of the others. I knew that getting into a relationship with a man with 4 children would have its challenges, and it has over the years. However, I really thought if we were going to have issues that would destroy us, it would be when they were minors, or first getting used to being a family or something of that sort. not when they were adults and had been together over a decade.
Does that give a broader picture? If not, let me and I'll try to give a better idea where I am at.
Yes. and No. To be honest, we are still not legally married. I have the longest engagement on record. We have been committed for over a decade, living as spouses, but my bad 1st marriage makes me not so particular about the "legal" aspects. I was very cautious bringing anyone into my sons life after my divorce, and I certainly did not want to jump into his kids lives if it would not work out (4, I repeat, 4 children!) So, I moved slow. Of his four kids, there are two different moms. Very involved. So, although I was very involved from the get go, I did not try to be "mom". I say that they put me in that role, because I remember the shock I felt when I was introduced by them as their parent. When I had my son, (I was 19 and had been married 2 years) I was overwhelmed with the responsibility, no support. Did not choose to have more children. He did not have custody over any of his children when we met. In fact none of them lived with us as minors. His 2 that are addicted have both lived with us as "adults", stepdaughter - way out of control, did not last long. his son, a year here, 3-6 months there, etc. Reading what I read, it sounds like I did not want or love these children. So not true, I have been there, for the "don't tell anyone I'm pregnant" calls, the teaching, getting their first apts. and buying the stuff to outfit it, helping get them a car, the, well, everything, except the discipline, I always felt they had two parents involved, they were not 2 year olds, living in my home that needed me to discipline them. They have been and are my family for over a decade. As I only have my mom, and lost "family" during my last divorce, its a title I don't use lightly. If I came off as I don't love or haven't bonded with the kids, thats wrong. Cause I do, and have, especially his son, actually his son is only a year older than mine, and not ever having daughters I related to his son the most, and was closest to him moreso than any of the others. I knew that getting into a relationship with a man with 4 children would have its challenges, and it has over the years. However, I really thought if we were going to have issues that would destroy us, it would be when they were minors, or first getting used to being a family or something of that sort. not when they were adults and had been together over a decade.
Does that give a broader picture? If not, let me and I'll try to give a better idea where I am at.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Sephra,
My brother's mother was my father's second wife, after my mother. I was 16 when they married and 17 when my brother was born. I honestly hated B's mother's guts back then. She was only 26, a high school dropout, had two children from her previous marriage, and had delusions of being that character played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. My father was much older, well educated, financially stable, and I felt B's mother was a leech who had terrible parenting and domestic skills.
All of that might be true, BUT, when my brother started to have major problems, my attitude towards her completely shifted. I felt, and continue to feel, so much compassion for her. I see now how difficult a role the "stepmom" can be, but most of all I believe that the adults need to get along and work things out because addiction is largely a family disease. B's mother and I have gotten along extremely well for a decade now. Good role models can have a huge impact on children, no matter how old they are.
I don't know if this help any, but if anyone knows anything about blended families (I am the eldest of 8, with none of the 7 my full blood relation) it's me!
My brother's mother was my father's second wife, after my mother. I was 16 when they married and 17 when my brother was born. I honestly hated B's mother's guts back then. She was only 26, a high school dropout, had two children from her previous marriage, and had delusions of being that character played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. My father was much older, well educated, financially stable, and I felt B's mother was a leech who had terrible parenting and domestic skills.
All of that might be true, BUT, when my brother started to have major problems, my attitude towards her completely shifted. I felt, and continue to feel, so much compassion for her. I see now how difficult a role the "stepmom" can be, but most of all I believe that the adults need to get along and work things out because addiction is largely a family disease. B's mother and I have gotten along extremely well for a decade now. Good role models can have a huge impact on children, no matter how old they are.
I don't know if this help any, but if anyone knows anything about blended families (I am the eldest of 8, with none of the 7 my full blood relation) it's me!
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Sephra....yes, that does give a more complete picture. And, it helps to know you, more, as a person.....
I know that so many..and, I would say, just about everyone who goes into a blended family situation (marries or not)...does not REALLY know what it is going to be l ike to be a step parent! It is sooo difficult...without an instruction manual.....and one never..never knows what to expect, down the line.
In addition, children do not stop being children and parents do not stop being parents, just because they grow up. It is a l ife long condition for the rest of life!
Furthermore, this all applies, even when there is no addiction in the family...and the family is pretty functional!
Throw addiction into the middle, and it can tear a family asunder. Any family.
I know from personal experience about this.
My husband was the step parent from his first marriage. He divorced when the 3 girls were out of high school. He was a father figure to them and they were very, very attached and loved him very much.
When he married me, I had three children from my first marriage...roughly the same age as his step children. (so he ended up as step parent to h kids, total) He had never had an biological children of his own.
during the time that my alcoholic son was in and out of our home, and the stress that it caused me (I was half crazy sometimes)...the stress in the home was intense, at times. If my husband had not been such a kind man, and our marriage had not been so strong,,,our marriage could have been ruined! The SAVING GRACE was that we both knew that we had to stand shoulder to shoulder and be on the same page. I credit the saving to our marriage to that!!!
This is why I say to you that I hope you and your husband can find a meeting ground where you can be a team, together....talk, communicate, and work together...
If not....then, maybe a permanten t separation is the best other option.....
the fighting can cause so me deep resentments and scars.....
I know that so many..and, I would say, just about everyone who goes into a blended family situation (marries or not)...does not REALLY know what it is going to be l ike to be a step parent! It is sooo difficult...without an instruction manual.....and one never..never knows what to expect, down the line.
In addition, children do not stop being children and parents do not stop being parents, just because they grow up. It is a l ife long condition for the rest of life!
Furthermore, this all applies, even when there is no addiction in the family...and the family is pretty functional!
Throw addiction into the middle, and it can tear a family asunder. Any family.
I know from personal experience about this.
My husband was the step parent from his first marriage. He divorced when the 3 girls were out of high school. He was a father figure to them and they were very, very attached and loved him very much.
When he married me, I had three children from my first marriage...roughly the same age as his step children. (so he ended up as step parent to h kids, total) He had never had an biological children of his own.
during the time that my alcoholic son was in and out of our home, and the stress that it caused me (I was half crazy sometimes)...the stress in the home was intense, at times. If my husband had not been such a kind man, and our marriage had not been so strong,,,our marriage could have been ruined! The SAVING GRACE was that we both knew that we had to stand shoulder to shoulder and be on the same page. I credit the saving to our marriage to that!!!
This is why I say to you that I hope you and your husband can find a meeting ground where you can be a team, together....talk, communicate, and work together...
If not....then, maybe a permanten t separation is the best other option.....
the fighting can cause so me deep resentments and scars.....
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 109
Sephra I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. My bf and I just broke up this month (although we're still living together unfortunately until one of us finds an affordable place) because of issues around his addict son and daughter.
I have boundaries that I won't live with or be financially responsible for his addict adult children or any children they may bring into the world and he resents my boundaries and won't be bound by them although none of his kids currently are in state he wants to keep that option open.
He didn't let me know about their addictions until we were already involved, and I have very negative associations with addiction from having two of my best friends and roommates turn into heroin addicts before my very eyes. It was many years ago, but the hell that home turned into is no place I will return.
Long story short I feel your pain. Hang in there.
I have boundaries that I won't live with or be financially responsible for his addict adult children or any children they may bring into the world and he resents my boundaries and won't be bound by them although none of his kids currently are in state he wants to keep that option open.
He didn't let me know about their addictions until we were already involved, and I have very negative associations with addiction from having two of my best friends and roommates turn into heroin addicts before my very eyes. It was many years ago, but the hell that home turned into is no place I will return.
Long story short I feel your pain. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Well somehow it got even worse. Doesn't it always. Found out stepson was staying in a building my mom owns that husband has been managing. Found out when I told my son that he had walked out and my son's gf told me she had been babysitting for stepson there. Every one knew except me and everyone kept it from me. I got weak poured a drink or 4 and blew up his phone with texts. Calling him out. He is gaslighting me and painting me as the crazy one. I don't know what or who to believe other then I am destined to walk this road alone
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Oh, Sephra...I'm so sorry that this is all happening. My stespon's addiction really put quite a strain on the early part of my relationship with my late husband. I was fortunate, well, we were fortunate, that Mr. Seren realized that chasing around after his son was not helping his son at all. By the time we were married, we were on the same page regarding his son.
We learned to consider each new catastrophe and drama in the young man's life on our own time and decide whether or not it required a response from us.
You, your husband, and all your children are in my prayers. I hope by the time you read this you will have been able to get some sleep. Sometimes, the dawn brings clarity. Hugs to you!!!
We learned to consider each new catastrophe and drama in the young man's life on our own time and decide whether or not it required a response from us.
You, your husband, and all your children are in my prayers. I hope by the time you read this you will have been able to get some sleep. Sometimes, the dawn brings clarity. Hugs to you!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Sephra, it is morning now and I hope you managed to get some sleep.
Forgive me for simplifying what I am saying here, sometimes clarity comes when we get the "stuff" out of the way. This is not the end of the world, for you. It is not an impossible horrible situation with you in the middle.
Addiction has split your family, that's the simple truth. Each person has taken their own position for what they know, what they tell and what they share with each other. Many of them are still messed up, caught up in the chaos, and are not thinking clearly or sensibly. They are living in the madness of addiction, even though they are not the addict and the structure of "family" has imploded.
You have taken back your life, your power and your ability to make decisions that are good, clear and healthy for you. You are safe, you can choose to remove yourself from the chaos simply by choosing to detach.
I often refer to "strangely wrapped gifts" here, those blessings in disguise that come when our world appears to be falling apart. I think you got one of those gifts when you found yourself alone in your home with decisions to make. It is a very painful and confusing time for you right now, but you have space, quietude, and the courage to make decisions to change life as you know it, to live a healthier life...whether or not your husband or other family members join you or not.
Today is a new day, you may see things more clearly or just be too exhausted to think. Either way, know that we are here and walking with you, and that you are not now, not ever, alone.
Hugs
Forgive me for simplifying what I am saying here, sometimes clarity comes when we get the "stuff" out of the way. This is not the end of the world, for you. It is not an impossible horrible situation with you in the middle.
Addiction has split your family, that's the simple truth. Each person has taken their own position for what they know, what they tell and what they share with each other. Many of them are still messed up, caught up in the chaos, and are not thinking clearly or sensibly. They are living in the madness of addiction, even though they are not the addict and the structure of "family" has imploded.
You have taken back your life, your power and your ability to make decisions that are good, clear and healthy for you. You are safe, you can choose to remove yourself from the chaos simply by choosing to detach.
I often refer to "strangely wrapped gifts" here, those blessings in disguise that come when our world appears to be falling apart. I think you got one of those gifts when you found yourself alone in your home with decisions to make. It is a very painful and confusing time for you right now, but you have space, quietude, and the courage to make decisions to change life as you know it, to live a healthier life...whether or not your husband or other family members join you or not.
Today is a new day, you may see things more clearly or just be too exhausted to think. Either way, know that we are here and walking with you, and that you are not now, not ever, alone.
Hugs
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