Relapse - could it be a planned "vacation" from life?
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Relapse - could it be a planned "vacation" from life?
In my XAH case, it sure seems like it. Over the last 8 years, he "turned into a pumpkin" every 2 years. Relapse is followed by about 6 months of being a total selfish flake, "concentrating on his recovery".
He once shared that he feels like he has that crazy wild inner child that nags on his "responsible self" (overstatement of the year lol), stating things like "is it all there is to life" and "let's go wild and party"....
I tend to think they are still planned events....part of me also thinks that he was overwhelmed with taking care of DS, did not want to do it, and relapsed as his way out.
Just wanted to see what your experience is, I am interested in this from theoretical point of view rather than trying to decode motivations of XAH
He once shared that he feels like he has that crazy wild inner child that nags on his "responsible self" (overstatement of the year lol), stating things like "is it all there is to life" and "let's go wild and party"....
I tend to think they are still planned events....part of me also thinks that he was overwhelmed with taking care of DS, did not want to do it, and relapsed as his way out.
Just wanted to see what your experience is, I am interested in this from theoretical point of view rather than trying to decode motivations of XAH
Sober since 10th April 2012
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As a recovering A, I can confirm that there's an inner voice urging us to drink. It lessens in time but never entirely goes away (for me). A huge part of recovery is learning to cope with this voice, and there are many methods that don't involve white-knuckling.
With your ex, who has a predictable pattern of relapse, a way of avoiding it would be to very active about recovery around the time when the 'voices' get louder. Most recovered As have to do this from time to time and we all have our methods like therapy, exercise, thought control etc. Your EXAH may have given himself permission to relapse on a regular basis, which means he isn't recovered at all.
With your ex, who has a predictable pattern of relapse, a way of avoiding it would be to very active about recovery around the time when the 'voices' get louder. Most recovered As have to do this from time to time and we all have our methods like therapy, exercise, thought control etc. Your EXAH may have given himself permission to relapse on a regular basis, which means he isn't recovered at all.
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I don't think it's "planned" in the sense that it is a deliberate decision, most often. It's more of the obsession working on the brain, and it can be pretty convincing that this time it will be OK. Of course, escaping from life is at the root of most/all addictions, so that's a factor, for sure, but it isn't like, "Oh, geeze, I think I'll go back to drinking, shirk my responsibilities, and then drag it out while I'm in 'recovery'."
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Relapse as a rule is not a planned "vacation from life", but on the other side of the coin in can absolutely be just that. I think I did just that from time to time at one point in my life. I think that I was also somewhat stimulated by the "recovery" from said event. It was almost as if I was addicted to the "comeback". I at one time was a "program" person, but later my comebacks were more focused just on "life" and not so much on "program". It is complex and not the same process for anyone. Addiction and overcoming addiction is somewhat different for everyone as we are different beings. The pattern is dangerous, because a lot of folks don't come back. One reads about accidents and deaths otherwise all the time from "relapse". I used to feel like those things happen to "them" and not I. Finally, it became all to apparent that I am "them".
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I would not call it planned either, I think it is on a subconscious level, more like undermining oneself. That crazy inner child, some define it as "the beast," that "makes" you do things, but hey, you can always tell the beast to shut it, or give that inner child a time out. In true recovery, you learn self-control, on so many different levels. You also stop making excuses for doing dumb things.
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first things first- relapse ends with a drink.
on that note, MOST of the time it isnt planned.
but i could see me saying," im sick of having to be a responsable adult and take the easy way out."
which would be subconsciously sayin," im a selfish,selfcentered little boy."
on that note, MOST of the time it isnt planned.
but i could see me saying," im sick of having to be a responsable adult and take the easy way out."
which would be subconsciously sayin," im a selfish,selfcentered little boy."
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Change is gradual. That's why I think people relapse over and over. Too much change at once can be a shock to the system. People who are used to be miserable become comfortable with the chaos. A calm, joyful life is a totally foreign concept and can be unnerving to someone who has never lived it or seen it as an example in others. I also think that someone with low self-esteem will self-sabotage things when they get too good, because they don't think they deserve it.
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Originally Posted by HappyPoppy 
Change is gradual. That's why I think people relapse over and over. Too much change at once can be a shock to the system. People who are used to be miserable become comfortable with the chaos. A calm, joyful life is a totally foreign concept and can be unnerving to someone who has never lived it or seen it as an example in others. I also think that someone with low self-esteem will self-sabotage things when they get too good, because they don't think they deserve it.
It really is hard to understand - the purpose of self sabotaging....what is the point
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
The purpose of self-sabotaging is to be able to say: "Screw it! I knew this would happen. Nothing is ever done! . . . . . . oh, hello Glass, my old friend, you never let me down!"
FeelingGreat - I think you are right - he gave himself permission to relapse (and his reasons are many - lack of career, DS's autism, which to me seems would be a deterrent - child needs both parents more so than typical child)
Once I think of it - the "screw it" thinking was probably always there and manifested itself in laziness, lack of ambition, and lack of enjoyment in real life....
Trying to understand addiction...thank you all for input - keep it coming
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No, I really think it is part of "disease." For us, it looks like a choice. They can pick this option, or that option. But if they do not see quitting as an option, then guess which option they are going to choose?
And when you are in denial, you choose not to see the options.
It is very similar with us codependents. The choice of leaving is always there, but we may not see it as an option for years, because "it is not that bad, he is not like that, if I do this, he will change, if I try harder, he will change." We do not find our addicts so damaging, and they also do not find alcohol that damaging. But it is a progressive disease, so . . . you know how it works.
And when you are in denial, you choose not to see the options.
It is very similar with us codependents. The choice of leaving is always there, but we may not see it as an option for years, because "it is not that bad, he is not like that, if I do this, he will change, if I try harder, he will change." We do not find our addicts so damaging, and they also do not find alcohol that damaging. But it is a progressive disease, so . . . you know how it works.
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I love the question... and to get even more philosophical, I often wonder what it is about life that so many of us (like, nearly all) need to escape from it from time to time with substances or addictive behaviors. It doesn't seem natural, but of course it's the MOST natural thing to want to escape.
That one fact about life makes me feel connected to all the alcoholics I have loved. I want to know what it is that makes life something to escape from.. is it society? Is it being brought up with expectations we can't fulfill? Is it that pain is just inherent in human experience?
I look at nature and I think of the bible verse "birds of the air neither sow nor reap" ...and my thought is, neither do they smoke dope or pass out in puddles of unconsciousness. I was JUST reading Alan Watts' Wikipedia entry, and there are tons of "spiritual leaders" who also had trouble with alcohol--like him and the famous Buddhist Chogyam Trungpa. If so-called spiritually evolved people struggle with the need to release pressure in their lives, where does that leave the rest of us??
I praise all who have courageously learned to put aside their artificial "pressure valves" and have learned to rely on the coping mechanisms that foster life, health and happiness and don't take away from it. It's a struggle to be sure.
But as for the OP's question, if you think about the "one day at a time" principle--maybe some recovering alcoholics always have that "other day" in the back of their minds, and sometimes that day IS today for them, for whatever reason. My AH's most recent bout with sobriety, about a year or so ago, ended shortly after getting his 90 day chip. He felt a great letdown at that point--as if he had run a marathon and the race was over. He relapsed and has not yet returned to sobriety. I'm used to seeing the pressure build up on his face and in his voice and actions and so when relapse comes, it's never a big surprise.
That one fact about life makes me feel connected to all the alcoholics I have loved. I want to know what it is that makes life something to escape from.. is it society? Is it being brought up with expectations we can't fulfill? Is it that pain is just inherent in human experience?
I look at nature and I think of the bible verse "birds of the air neither sow nor reap" ...and my thought is, neither do they smoke dope or pass out in puddles of unconsciousness. I was JUST reading Alan Watts' Wikipedia entry, and there are tons of "spiritual leaders" who also had trouble with alcohol--like him and the famous Buddhist Chogyam Trungpa. If so-called spiritually evolved people struggle with the need to release pressure in their lives, where does that leave the rest of us??
I praise all who have courageously learned to put aside their artificial "pressure valves" and have learned to rely on the coping mechanisms that foster life, health and happiness and don't take away from it. It's a struggle to be sure.
But as for the OP's question, if you think about the "one day at a time" principle--maybe some recovering alcoholics always have that "other day" in the back of their minds, and sometimes that day IS today for them, for whatever reason. My AH's most recent bout with sobriety, about a year or so ago, ended shortly after getting his 90 day chip. He felt a great letdown at that point--as if he had run a marathon and the race was over. He relapsed and has not yet returned to sobriety. I'm used to seeing the pressure build up on his face and in his voice and actions and so when relapse comes, it's never a big surprise.
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There is always a way to not drink. ALWAYS. You choose not to drink; or you choose to drink. The "what leads up to it" can be stopped in its tracks - with a program and its tools.
Does he work a plan?
Relapses simply do not have to happen; "planned" or not, they are destructive and - honestly- selfish. For all involved.
Does he work a plan?
Relapses simply do not have to happen; "planned" or not, they are destructive and - honestly- selfish. For all involved.
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Originally Posted by August252015
There is always a way to not drink. ALWAYS. You choose not to drink; or you choose to drink. The "what leads up to it" can be stopped in its tracks - with a program and its tools.
Does he work a plan?
Relapses simply do not have to happen; "planned" or not, they are destructive and - honestly- selfish. For all involved.
Does he work a plan?
Relapses simply do not have to happen; "planned" or not, they are destructive and - honestly- selfish. For all involved.
In his relapses - he spirals down to where he cannot function within a week. This time included other "drugs of choice", and I ended up hitting my bottom (and following through with my promise to part ways if he relapsed again). If I saw him in relapse while we were dating - I would have never, ever consider marrying him and would run like h@ll.
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My heart goes out to you. I think you are right about it being a sadder case than many- definitely than one who is just starting a program. Those of us in that place can build hope and a future the first time (hopefully).
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