Nata1980

Had a dream last night, where XAH turned into the man I married and I was regretting divorcing him. Woke up in tears. Miss him today.

Last time I have heard from him was on Tuesday, when he called DS. He missed Thursday scheduled call - he must have gotten final divorce papers in the mail.

He also sent me an e-mail that he wants to see DS on Labor Day weekend, I requested supervision schedule, he did not respond..:

For whatever reason, I really feel like talking to him today...worried that he relapsed after seeing the papers....am I "relapsing"?

Need tough love

Ariesagain

Yes, you're relapsing. Make a list of every single reason and episode where he let you down, was abusive, lied, put himself ahead of your child...and keep that list on your phone.

That dream was only that. You know that.

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

I don't know that you're "relapsing," but you need to get out of this mindset before you do something you'll regret. Think about all the wacko dreams you've had in your life--this one isn't some kind of "message" for you. It's normal you'd have a dream about him--he's been on your mind as you've been dealing with the parenting time stuff and the final decree.

You can't prevent HIM from relapsing. If he's gonna do it over something like getting papers in the mail, he's got a long way to go.

I'd suggest finding something to occupy you to take your mind off what he's doing.

Hugs,

Nata1980

Thank you! It is peculiar that while we were together - dreams were about him relapsing (his relapses were 3-4month occurence every 2.5 years, so it was akin leaving on a time bomb), woke up in tears as well.

Pulling my list up in my phone - thanks for the hug! I am thinking about tracking the "urges". DS is under the weather - I found that when I am at home for a long time - that is the worst time

Ariesagain

Have another hug...now maybe find a nice soothing distraction? Top Chef or Project Runway reruns work for me...

healthyagain

It is one thing to be sad and grieve (I had both dreams and nightmares, and cried, and still cry) and it is another thing to actually do it and check on him. Then you are relapsing. Even if he relapsed, what exactly can you do about it?

Nata1980

Nothing. But at least I can let go of Labor Day visit plans.......I guess I just have to wait and see - if visit is on, I should be hearing from him.....

healthyagain

His relapse is his problem, and if he relapsed because of the papers, it was only an excuse to relapse.

Nata1980

I think my former mother in law guilt tripping played its role, too. She stated her disappointment that I am not invested more in XAH recovery.

She just called and checked on me lol.

dandylion

Your mother in law must be very ignorant of alcoholism and the nature of the disease.
Almost always, the family will "side" with their own at the time of divorce. There are some rare exception...but, that just seems to be the way it works.
I think that some things--we just have to consider the context and let it pass right over us.....otherwise, it can just make us KRAZE....

Nata1980

She divorced XAH's father who was raging A and never admitted he had a problem. She supported me in my decision - called me and DS every day to check up on us while XAH was in rehab, but once it became very definite that there is no going back - she sort of disappeared....oh well

PuzzledHeart

When my sister got caught having an affair, she accused her ex of forcing her into an open marriage. She also accused her ex-husband of having crush on her best friend, and her best friend encouraging this sort of behavior. We immediately took her side and didn't even think about asking him if any of these allegations were true.

She was banking on the fact that we would be too embarrassed to confront him. Now knowing what I know, I realized all she was doing was throwing everybody under a bus to justify her affair with somebody who we found out later was a pothead. And even if the allegations WERE true, she could have sought out counseling, even a divorce, instead of stringing everybody along for four years before the affair came to light.

Before my family found out about her cheating, she even used to complain about her neighbors and how they looked down on her because she wasn't the typical soccer mom. It wasn't because she was different, it was because a strange man was coming in and out of the house while she was married to somebody else. But for her, it was just another opportunity to portray herself as the misunderstood victim.

So who the hell knows what your ex told your former MIL?

And that said, even if his family does side with your ex, I bet the cracks are already showing, and there may be even questions about your ex-husband's veracity. However, it's more likely than not that they will not express those doubts to you.

BTW, my sister's ex-husband and I get along just fine now, and when we do get the rare opportunity to talk, it's like two war veterans swapping stories of what it was like behind enemy lines.

pndm07

I just want to say that I totally feel for what you're going through. Even if you are "relapsing" so to speak, it's only natural given the situation. I'm also going through similar feelings about exA, who has similar relapse patterns as yours, and who I still see since we have a young child. I need to whip out the list too. I think they know just how to push our buttons and appeal to our weak spots (guilt, our need to monitor them). Anyway, just know you're not alone and you are doing what is healthy for you, even if it hurts now. Sending support

Nata1980

Yes, the child thing is the hardest. All the fond memories of the wrestling, him doing all school pick ups and drop offs....sleeping in on weekends in one bed...but then I remember that he drove him under influence and now only finds time once a month to see him....
He was much better father than a husband, but driving under influence negates that....I hate addiction.

hearthealth

Almost always, the family will "side" with their own at the time of divorce. There are some rare exception...but, that just seems to be the way it works.
I think that some things--we just have to consider the context and let it pass right over us.....otherwise, it can just make us KRAZE....[/QUOTE]

My AH SIL knew quite a bit about what was happening in my house and when I called the police, filed for divorce and got a restraining order she supported her bil. All the in laws family went nc with me for over two years. They are finally starting to acknowledge that I exist. I joined Alanon after all my actions, which I dont regret. I wish I would have found alanon sooner instead of verbalizing things to SIL.

Nata1980

Ok XAH Skyped DS, sober and all. Mother in law barged in (he was in her house), stating that I looked lovely. Told me that he bought me something for my B-Day.

I thanked him but said it was not necessary. I feel like there will be barrage of sweetness and thoughtfulness come Labor Day Weekend. Need to make plans with friends so I stay away from him and his fam.

Bekindalways

You sound like you are acting from some super hard won wisdom here Nata. Courage and strength to you!