Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 61+27.
(There's a moral story in the end of the post for newcomers who are struggling)
Just walked around the apartment to hit 11k steps for the day. Did a 6.5 km walk, although tomorrow is a rest day (if I can manage, because I really like walking, because I like what the scale shows me in the mornings) - my calves feel the tiredness, a bit sore and stiff, though a day should do it.
I enjoy checking the stats from the fitbit - especially the difference between now and when I got the thing almost two months ago. For example, I've walked 49.4 km this week. The first full week when I got the watch, I walked 21.6 km. It has been spotty, where I know what the problems and lack of activity were caused by, but the overall picture I enjoy.
Tomorrow my friends are coming from abroad! Weirdly so, when I think of them, I think of drinking. The AV is one sneaky bastard, it always finds a way to morph sincere things into something twisted and bleak, but let the brain think that what its presenting, is gold and roses. All in all, this is just another 'first', a hurdle as such - simply have to go, not drink, have fun and the problem pretty much is non-existent the second time around.
What I've learned, though, is that sobriety truly allows one to assess the company one is keeping. I didn't want to use the word 'judge', but it kind of is judging. And not so much even the people you're with, but a judgement of yourself. You drink, you seek out drinkers - you don't, you seek out people with whom you can genuinely enjoy spending time with. Booze is not a 'social lubricant', it's more akin to a flood that washes away almost everything that makes a person THAT person. It's mechanical leveling of 'the playing field'. Plus, alcohol induced social activities are always sort of nervous, I think. It's almost like the poison that's working its dark magic inside of you gives a certain characteristic to all of the communication and conversations as well - mainly anxious/nervous, 'trying to get somewhere, but don't really know where', waiting for something to happen (that's not going to happen).
Of course there are many factors that influence whether or not a person feels in control of their life, but sobriety (if alcohol is a big problem - nay, a problem at all) is a good starting point to change things. And really dig into the process fully.
(Story-time)
I had 'an incident' at the bus station, where a 'bum' approached me, but I reluctantly just told him to take a hike - he wasn't going to ask me for a sip of water and he wasn't in the desert, so I don't consider myself obligated to speak to smelly drunks (in my defense) - and the man started cursing out loud, it was uncomfortable. They always hang around and ask for cigarettes, money etc and they are super arrogant about it as well. Yet, I still felt like I did something wrong - even though, I don't think I did and it was basically made crystal clear to me, when the guy walked on and soon started cursing at some other person also waiting for a bus. And then a memory hit me.
Why I'm sharing this, is because when I first started my undergrad studies, I needed credits and then decided to take Intro to Semiotics (if you haven't familiarised yourself with semiotics, it's great fun, read something about it). There was a section in some book, I've since forgotten which one, where the 'life and drive' of an insect was described - basically, the insect really doesn't see any details, only senses the change from light to dark (and vice versa) and is driven by some chemical, which is present on greasy skin, for example. That's the insects 'entire world', it's the complete package of signals and signs it recognises and is influenced/driven by. This piece of information has stuck with me all these years.
That 'bum' was like the insect. The problem with alcohol is that you cannot take the drunken, smelly, dirty man and set him as example to young people and say 'This is possible, if you keep drinking'. Because not everyone has an issue with alcohol - those who do, probably haven't found out yet.
However, many of us have gotten really close to being the 'insect'. At minimum, we have regularly exhibited insect-like tendencies.
I'm infinitely grateful to be 'less of an insect' with each passing day.
I hope someone new to the forum can find this helpful even in the tiniest amount to stave off that one craving or that sweet-sweet story the AV is spinning.
One day at a time.
(There's a moral story in the end of the post for newcomers who are struggling)
Just walked around the apartment to hit 11k steps for the day. Did a 6.5 km walk, although tomorrow is a rest day (if I can manage, because I really like walking, because I like what the scale shows me in the mornings) - my calves feel the tiredness, a bit sore and stiff, though a day should do it.
I enjoy checking the stats from the fitbit - especially the difference between now and when I got the thing almost two months ago. For example, I've walked 49.4 km this week. The first full week when I got the watch, I walked 21.6 km. It has been spotty, where I know what the problems and lack of activity were caused by, but the overall picture I enjoy.
Tomorrow my friends are coming from abroad! Weirdly so, when I think of them, I think of drinking. The AV is one sneaky bastard, it always finds a way to morph sincere things into something twisted and bleak, but let the brain think that what its presenting, is gold and roses. All in all, this is just another 'first', a hurdle as such - simply have to go, not drink, have fun and the problem pretty much is non-existent the second time around.
What I've learned, though, is that sobriety truly allows one to assess the company one is keeping. I didn't want to use the word 'judge', but it kind of is judging. And not so much even the people you're with, but a judgement of yourself. You drink, you seek out drinkers - you don't, you seek out people with whom you can genuinely enjoy spending time with. Booze is not a 'social lubricant', it's more akin to a flood that washes away almost everything that makes a person THAT person. It's mechanical leveling of 'the playing field'. Plus, alcohol induced social activities are always sort of nervous, I think. It's almost like the poison that's working its dark magic inside of you gives a certain characteristic to all of the communication and conversations as well - mainly anxious/nervous, 'trying to get somewhere, but don't really know where', waiting for something to happen (that's not going to happen).
Of course there are many factors that influence whether or not a person feels in control of their life, but sobriety (if alcohol is a big problem - nay, a problem at all) is a good starting point to change things. And really dig into the process fully.
(Story-time)
I had 'an incident' at the bus station, where a 'bum' approached me, but I reluctantly just told him to take a hike - he wasn't going to ask me for a sip of water and he wasn't in the desert, so I don't consider myself obligated to speak to smelly drunks (in my defense) - and the man started cursing out loud, it was uncomfortable. They always hang around and ask for cigarettes, money etc and they are super arrogant about it as well. Yet, I still felt like I did something wrong - even though, I don't think I did and it was basically made crystal clear to me, when the guy walked on and soon started cursing at some other person also waiting for a bus. And then a memory hit me.
Why I'm sharing this, is because when I first started my undergrad studies, I needed credits and then decided to take Intro to Semiotics (if you haven't familiarised yourself with semiotics, it's great fun, read something about it). There was a section in some book, I've since forgotten which one, where the 'life and drive' of an insect was described - basically, the insect really doesn't see any details, only senses the change from light to dark (and vice versa) and is driven by some chemical, which is present on greasy skin, for example. That's the insects 'entire world', it's the complete package of signals and signs it recognises and is influenced/driven by. This piece of information has stuck with me all these years.
That 'bum' was like the insect. The problem with alcohol is that you cannot take the drunken, smelly, dirty man and set him as example to young people and say 'This is possible, if you keep drinking'. Because not everyone has an issue with alcohol - those who do, probably haven't found out yet.
However, many of us have gotten really close to being the 'insect'. At minimum, we have regularly exhibited insect-like tendencies.
I'm infinitely grateful to be 'less of an insect' with each passing day.
I hope someone new to the forum can find this helpful even in the tiniest amount to stave off that one craving or that sweet-sweet story the AV is spinning.
One day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 61+28.
Weird - it was a day of rest, but right now, I'm battling a headache. Just going to go to sleep.
Yet another day sober. Tomorrow, Day 90, will hopefully start without said headache.
One day at a time.
Weird - it was a day of rest, but right now, I'm battling a headache. Just going to go to sleep.
Yet another day sober. Tomorrow, Day 90, will hopefully start without said headache.
One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 91.
Did a little prep for my friends coming over. We're gonna make Chinese food and hang out. The three of us haven't been in the same room for more than 2 years. It's gonna be great.
I thought it would be a challenge, thinking 'what if they want to have a drink', but they've come around to the fact that I no longer consume alcohol. I make no restrictions on other people, though. Really just not interested by the poison.
It's a good feeling, worth every single day since the beginning of my sober journey when I felt like I was going to crumble. Good riddance.
One day at a time.
Did a little prep for my friends coming over. We're gonna make Chinese food and hang out. The three of us haven't been in the same room for more than 2 years. It's gonna be great.
I thought it would be a challenge, thinking 'what if they want to have a drink', but they've come around to the fact that I no longer consume alcohol. I make no restrictions on other people, though. Really just not interested by the poison.
It's a good feeling, worth every single day since the beginning of my sober journey when I felt like I was going to crumble. Good riddance.
One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 92.
Had a great evening with my friends, we cooked, we talked, we laughed. They did drink beer.
Tbh, it was awkward at first, I did feel slightly isolated, but it was also due to the fact that we hadn't seen each other for almost two years. It takes a bit to get comfortable. The bottle was on the table for the entire evening (strong alcohol), but it didn't bother me at all - this is something I'm glad about. The actual alcohol didn't make me flinch, it was rather the 'rituals' that go with drinking which make things a bit weird at first.
Specifically related to the 'no booze' part of sobriety, tonight was a big step forward. Plus, it's not only the former drinker (me) who feels a bit weird - it's probably also slightly unusual for others who have pretty much only been in your company when you drank. So both parties have some adapting to do - all in all, it comes together to a fun evening. Everyone stays within the limits suitable to their person - for some it's a four-pack of beer, for me it's non-alcoholic drinks only. Worked out well.
One day at a time
Had a great evening with my friends, we cooked, we talked, we laughed. They did drink beer.
Tbh, it was awkward at first, I did feel slightly isolated, but it was also due to the fact that we hadn't seen each other for almost two years. It takes a bit to get comfortable. The bottle was on the table for the entire evening (strong alcohol), but it didn't bother me at all - this is something I'm glad about. The actual alcohol didn't make me flinch, it was rather the 'rituals' that go with drinking which make things a bit weird at first.
Specifically related to the 'no booze' part of sobriety, tonight was a big step forward. Plus, it's not only the former drinker (me) who feels a bit weird - it's probably also slightly unusual for others who have pretty much only been in your company when you drank. So both parties have some adapting to do - all in all, it comes together to a fun evening. Everyone stays within the limits suitable to their person - for some it's a four-pack of beer, for me it's non-alcoholic drinks only. Worked out well.
One day at a time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 93.
My friends left, I took a ride with them to school. It's always sad to see them leave. Although money is a bit better now and flying to meet them isn't unthinkable, it is still above my income level.
Add to it troubles with my work and it all came to a solemn, quiet evening of introspection. I don't feel satisfied with certain things at the moment, need to sleep it off.
I know that I'm not a genius or with such natural talent as to assume things would come easy. To 'win', I have to outwork the 'competition' in any possible situation this concept could be applied to. Thing is - I don't know whether I have it in me... the effort, whether it's still there or would I be more susceptible to settling with each passing day.
I feel confused. And somewhat sad, withdrawn. And alone.
But, I'm still sober.
One day at a time
My friends left, I took a ride with them to school. It's always sad to see them leave. Although money is a bit better now and flying to meet them isn't unthinkable, it is still above my income level.
Add to it troubles with my work and it all came to a solemn, quiet evening of introspection. I don't feel satisfied with certain things at the moment, need to sleep it off.
I know that I'm not a genius or with such natural talent as to assume things would come easy. To 'win', I have to outwork the 'competition' in any possible situation this concept could be applied to. Thing is - I don't know whether I have it in me... the effort, whether it's still there or would I be more susceptible to settling with each passing day.
I feel confused. And somewhat sad, withdrawn. And alone.
But, I'm still sober.
One day at a time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 94.
I know one thing that works for me. Exercise.
Sometimes I'm too lazy to go out and walk - I'd rather wallow at home and kill time. Yesterday was an off day for me, I didn't feel good. I felt shaken actually because the problem related to work was a sort of deja vu for me, it's as if that one email (regardless of its contents) snapped me back to a time two years ago, when I had problems showing up for work due to me drunken 'escapades'. And the email wasn't even that bad, now that I think of it (well I sort of realised it before, already), but my reply to it was overly harsh, I think.
Maybe this struck me so bad, because now that I'm sober, I don't expect such things to happen. And, to be fair, I thank whoever I must thank that I've been sober for more than three months - have I been lazy at times? Absolutely. But I have not 'not worked', had weird disappearances, odd ailments, awkward sent emails, totally absurd instant messages etc. I know exactly what has been going on. So, I guess, this is why it hurt me more than it should have (or, made me feel hurt at all) and I didn't take time to think about it, but started 'putting out the fire' immediately - just as I would when I was drinking. I'll know how my answer was taken on Monday and deal with the consequences then. I need to learn to be more patient with people and most of all, I need to stop seeing enemies everywhere or that someone is always out there to get me, defeat me, cheat me etc.
And this is why exercise works for me. I went out for a walk very late tonight. It's thick snow here and minus degrees. I walked more than an hour, I felt my head get warm, I felt the tiredness in my feet. On the last lap around the lake, I knew I had just enough energy left to take my planned route home and a hot shower. I felt completely different after that, like all the fog had cleared up and I was back to my normal self.
Although people don't usually weigh themselves late in the evening, I needed a stat for the day, because my log has been spotty. The scale said (and I checked twice) that I've now lost 10 lbs in two months since I first got the Fitbit.
Also, following from a recent exchange of messages, I will probably get to present my research in France approximately in a years time.
When I started this thread, I asked the question about 'the feeling of genuine happiness' returning. I've experienced glimpses of it, more than glimpses even. It is the strongest after I exercise (which I know to be brain chemistry, but for me, it's not only that) - to me it signifies overcoming myself. This was never the case when I was drinking. I was barely holding on back then, now I'm pushing forward.
Do I get periods of time when I feel down and out, not wanting to do anything, talk to anyone? Absolutely. They still have a grip on me, but they are becoming less acute. And shorter in duration. Progress, not perfection.
One day at a time.
I know one thing that works for me. Exercise.
Sometimes I'm too lazy to go out and walk - I'd rather wallow at home and kill time. Yesterday was an off day for me, I didn't feel good. I felt shaken actually because the problem related to work was a sort of deja vu for me, it's as if that one email (regardless of its contents) snapped me back to a time two years ago, when I had problems showing up for work due to me drunken 'escapades'. And the email wasn't even that bad, now that I think of it (well I sort of realised it before, already), but my reply to it was overly harsh, I think.
Maybe this struck me so bad, because now that I'm sober, I don't expect such things to happen. And, to be fair, I thank whoever I must thank that I've been sober for more than three months - have I been lazy at times? Absolutely. But I have not 'not worked', had weird disappearances, odd ailments, awkward sent emails, totally absurd instant messages etc. I know exactly what has been going on. So, I guess, this is why it hurt me more than it should have (or, made me feel hurt at all) and I didn't take time to think about it, but started 'putting out the fire' immediately - just as I would when I was drinking. I'll know how my answer was taken on Monday and deal with the consequences then. I need to learn to be more patient with people and most of all, I need to stop seeing enemies everywhere or that someone is always out there to get me, defeat me, cheat me etc.
And this is why exercise works for me. I went out for a walk very late tonight. It's thick snow here and minus degrees. I walked more than an hour, I felt my head get warm, I felt the tiredness in my feet. On the last lap around the lake, I knew I had just enough energy left to take my planned route home and a hot shower. I felt completely different after that, like all the fog had cleared up and I was back to my normal self.
Although people don't usually weigh themselves late in the evening, I needed a stat for the day, because my log has been spotty. The scale said (and I checked twice) that I've now lost 10 lbs in two months since I first got the Fitbit.
Also, following from a recent exchange of messages, I will probably get to present my research in France approximately in a years time.
When I started this thread, I asked the question about 'the feeling of genuine happiness' returning. I've experienced glimpses of it, more than glimpses even. It is the strongest after I exercise (which I know to be brain chemistry, but for me, it's not only that) - to me it signifies overcoming myself. This was never the case when I was drinking. I was barely holding on back then, now I'm pushing forward.
Do I get periods of time when I feel down and out, not wanting to do anything, talk to anyone? Absolutely. They still have a grip on me, but they are becoming less acute. And shorter in duration. Progress, not perfection.
One day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 95.
Got home from a walk at midnight. Don't know why I pushed it to that late, but I knew that I had to move at least some. I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, expecting to get a reply to that email I mentioned earlier. Not sure what to expect precisely, but I will not start 'putting out the fire immediately', as matter of fact, I promised myself that if I get a reply and it creates any sort of discomfort for me, especially if the discomfort comes partly in the form of having to write yet another reply (this time with a more humble tone, of course) - before doing anything, I will go for at least a 30 minute walk. I will clear my head and calm down, take a shower, let the thoughts settle for a time. I think this is a better option rather than instantly jumping in someone's face, having actually (probably) misread the message of the email in the first place.
I've got a lot of work to do on myself.
As my daily posts are coming to a close and I'm kind of preparing for the 100 day wrap-up and then for the thread to be an active dust-collector, I realise that even though I have problems and issues to deal with (as does everyone else), I actually now have 'normal problems'. E.g. how to get my work done more efficiently, put enough time into my research, implement and stick to a healthier diet, create some sort of consistency and regularity in my exercising, think about how to sustain (or improve) my current life standard.
I don't think about alcohol like I used to. It's there, other people consume it, on rare occasions I've been in the company of those who do (and it's weird, but absolutely manageable if the sole focus of the get-together isn't drinking), there are loads of commercials and advertisements about it, it's still the last thing anyone sees before paying for their stuff at the supermarket, it's ritualistically embedded into more social activities than I ever noticed when I was still drinking etc. But it doesn't really concern me. I closed the door. I won't risk opening it, because there's nothing new in that room and what is there, is bad.
This to me shows that the thread is coming to it's end all on its own as well. I sincerely appreciate all of the help and support (especially in the very early days) given to me, but my problems aren't as acute as they used to be and the majority of them aren't about alcohol anymore.
In the beginning, I didn't really think I'll be able to put enough distance (measured in days) between myself and alcohol, so as to experience any difficulties in relating to people on Day 1. Maybe I'm just not ready to give good advice or simply don't know how to, but for some reason - I think someone on Day 1 would have a really difficult time relating to what I'm writing about daily nowadays. A hangover would be my worst nightmare at the moment, the sweats, grogginess, headache - Bleh, all of them nuisances, but my brain has come to now consider them 'past'. Still, I sincerely hope that if anyone is just starting out and is doing a SR binge, they will find this thread and see that - at least getting to 95 days - it is possible to stop.
One day at a time.
K
Got home from a walk at midnight. Don't know why I pushed it to that late, but I knew that I had to move at least some. I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, expecting to get a reply to that email I mentioned earlier. Not sure what to expect precisely, but I will not start 'putting out the fire immediately', as matter of fact, I promised myself that if I get a reply and it creates any sort of discomfort for me, especially if the discomfort comes partly in the form of having to write yet another reply (this time with a more humble tone, of course) - before doing anything, I will go for at least a 30 minute walk. I will clear my head and calm down, take a shower, let the thoughts settle for a time. I think this is a better option rather than instantly jumping in someone's face, having actually (probably) misread the message of the email in the first place.
I've got a lot of work to do on myself.
As my daily posts are coming to a close and I'm kind of preparing for the 100 day wrap-up and then for the thread to be an active dust-collector, I realise that even though I have problems and issues to deal with (as does everyone else), I actually now have 'normal problems'. E.g. how to get my work done more efficiently, put enough time into my research, implement and stick to a healthier diet, create some sort of consistency and regularity in my exercising, think about how to sustain (or improve) my current life standard.
I don't think about alcohol like I used to. It's there, other people consume it, on rare occasions I've been in the company of those who do (and it's weird, but absolutely manageable if the sole focus of the get-together isn't drinking), there are loads of commercials and advertisements about it, it's still the last thing anyone sees before paying for their stuff at the supermarket, it's ritualistically embedded into more social activities than I ever noticed when I was still drinking etc. But it doesn't really concern me. I closed the door. I won't risk opening it, because there's nothing new in that room and what is there, is bad.
This to me shows that the thread is coming to it's end all on its own as well. I sincerely appreciate all of the help and support (especially in the very early days) given to me, but my problems aren't as acute as they used to be and the majority of them aren't about alcohol anymore.
In the beginning, I didn't really think I'll be able to put enough distance (measured in days) between myself and alcohol, so as to experience any difficulties in relating to people on Day 1. Maybe I'm just not ready to give good advice or simply don't know how to, but for some reason - I think someone on Day 1 would have a really difficult time relating to what I'm writing about daily nowadays. A hangover would be my worst nightmare at the moment, the sweats, grogginess, headache - Bleh, all of them nuisances, but my brain has come to now consider them 'past'. Still, I sincerely hope that if anyone is just starting out and is doing a SR binge, they will find this thread and see that - at least getting to 95 days - it is possible to stop.
One day at a time.
K
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 96.
Quiet day, nothing of significance occurred. Could have skipped this one, but for the sake of continuous posts..
Have a good sober evening everyone. Strength and resolve to those who are struggling. I'm off to bed early.
One day at a time.
K
Quiet day, nothing of significance occurred. Could have skipped this one, but for the sake of continuous posts..
Have a good sober evening everyone. Strength and resolve to those who are struggling. I'm off to bed early.
One day at a time.
K
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Fighting off sleep. It's crazy how dark it is out here. There's barely a difference between day and night.
I have been using sleeping pills which my doctor prescribed, but I want to stop. Partly, those are responsible for my non-stop sleepiness, because I cannot get the dosage right - either a bit too much (which was what the doc recommended) and I'm sleepy throughout the day or too little and the pill has no effect at all, gets me drowsy but I won't fall asleep. I want to cut out all of these external chemical aids to whatever it is I'm doing. Basically, I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee and I'm not witnessing any particular improvement in my ability to focus. This makes working an impossibility and that's unacceptable from a certain point on.
While I understand it takes time for the brain to readjust to the new circumstance, the rest of the body as well, these changes toward a more balanced living cannot happen fast enough. Time is passing by and I'm underperforming work-wise.
One positive thing I've noticed about my sleep are the dreams I have - I won't put great importance on what the contents of the dreams are, but they have shifted. Some time ago I mentioned a dream in which I said no to alcohol. Another development had me apologise to a person with whom I had acted terribly in the very beginning of my 'drinking career'. You never forget your first love, but I hope she has forgiven me by now, it was her I was apologising to. Whether I get the chance in real life, I don't know, I won't go looking for it specifically - there's a far greater chance that she doesn't care about the things that happened 10 years ago, than expecting an apology or an explanation. Until this dream occurred, I'd felt an underlying lack of closure on this whole thing. Now, it feels different.
I guess acceptance comes in many forms. Even if it's just owning up to the full extent of what I did in my own head, while sleeping, about events that took place 10 years ago.
One of the most difficult things that I've been battling in sobriety is letting go of the 'victim mindset'. Yes, people didn't always act nice with me, but what I did whilst intoxicated overshadows those by miles. From the perspective of getting closure, I would appreciate (in a hypothetical dialogue) the other people at least admitting they had missteps, too - but ultimately, my drinking was what undid everything. And I accept that now, I didn't accept it for a very long time, i.e. I played victim.
Partly, I think, it's also one method the AV uses to keep you drinking, "Oh, come on, look what they did to you, they don't care about you, just go and have a drink, the sting will pass ...". And it makes the perfect path to becoming a class A excuse-maker. In the spectrum of common, everyday activities (could also be referred to as "normal things people do") I don't think there's anything I couldn't successfully rationalise myself out of doing. Used to be easy with the drinking, then the hangover would take care of most of the reasoning required, but now, in sobriety, it's a battle. These lingering remnants of the (thinking) patterns applied in active drinking are the most difficult thing to overcome in early sobriety.
Right now I can say that not picking up a drink is easy. It's filling the time left over from not taking that drink with purposeful activity which boggles my mind at times.
As the days of sobriety add up, I've recently started comparing my current state of affairs to the time I was sober for 9 continuous months some years ago. And there are considerable differences. Firstly, back then, time seemed to just not move at all and most of that period is clouded with a thick fog. This time, I took a more proactive approach. I did allow for some time for the initial cravings to pass, but then I started exercising. Consciously making an effort to put metaphorical distance between 'old' and 'new' and trying to make it count. Sometimes I think that staying put in sobriety would be its ultimate demise, it's what happened to me those years ago. I was just a dry drunk, the difference then between drinking and not drinking was just that - a drink. No other improvements really occurred in my life. This time around, I took some of the more realistically applicable 'drunken daydreams' and tried to materialise them. One of which was exercising.
I guess, I just need to try and continue with taking baby-steps.
I have been using sleeping pills which my doctor prescribed, but I want to stop. Partly, those are responsible for my non-stop sleepiness, because I cannot get the dosage right - either a bit too much (which was what the doc recommended) and I'm sleepy throughout the day or too little and the pill has no effect at all, gets me drowsy but I won't fall asleep. I want to cut out all of these external chemical aids to whatever it is I'm doing. Basically, I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee and I'm not witnessing any particular improvement in my ability to focus. This makes working an impossibility and that's unacceptable from a certain point on.
While I understand it takes time for the brain to readjust to the new circumstance, the rest of the body as well, these changes toward a more balanced living cannot happen fast enough. Time is passing by and I'm underperforming work-wise.
One positive thing I've noticed about my sleep are the dreams I have - I won't put great importance on what the contents of the dreams are, but they have shifted. Some time ago I mentioned a dream in which I said no to alcohol. Another development had me apologise to a person with whom I had acted terribly in the very beginning of my 'drinking career'. You never forget your first love, but I hope she has forgiven me by now, it was her I was apologising to. Whether I get the chance in real life, I don't know, I won't go looking for it specifically - there's a far greater chance that she doesn't care about the things that happened 10 years ago, than expecting an apology or an explanation. Until this dream occurred, I'd felt an underlying lack of closure on this whole thing. Now, it feels different.
I guess acceptance comes in many forms. Even if it's just owning up to the full extent of what I did in my own head, while sleeping, about events that took place 10 years ago.
One of the most difficult things that I've been battling in sobriety is letting go of the 'victim mindset'. Yes, people didn't always act nice with me, but what I did whilst intoxicated overshadows those by miles. From the perspective of getting closure, I would appreciate (in a hypothetical dialogue) the other people at least admitting they had missteps, too - but ultimately, my drinking was what undid everything. And I accept that now, I didn't accept it for a very long time, i.e. I played victim.
Partly, I think, it's also one method the AV uses to keep you drinking, "Oh, come on, look what they did to you, they don't care about you, just go and have a drink, the sting will pass ...". And it makes the perfect path to becoming a class A excuse-maker. In the spectrum of common, everyday activities (could also be referred to as "normal things people do") I don't think there's anything I couldn't successfully rationalise myself out of doing. Used to be easy with the drinking, then the hangover would take care of most of the reasoning required, but now, in sobriety, it's a battle. These lingering remnants of the (thinking) patterns applied in active drinking are the most difficult thing to overcome in early sobriety.
Right now I can say that not picking up a drink is easy. It's filling the time left over from not taking that drink with purposeful activity which boggles my mind at times.
As the days of sobriety add up, I've recently started comparing my current state of affairs to the time I was sober for 9 continuous months some years ago. And there are considerable differences. Firstly, back then, time seemed to just not move at all and most of that period is clouded with a thick fog. This time, I took a more proactive approach. I did allow for some time for the initial cravings to pass, but then I started exercising. Consciously making an effort to put metaphorical distance between 'old' and 'new' and trying to make it count. Sometimes I think that staying put in sobriety would be its ultimate demise, it's what happened to me those years ago. I was just a dry drunk, the difference then between drinking and not drinking was just that - a drink. No other improvements really occurred in my life. This time around, I took some of the more realistically applicable 'drunken daydreams' and tried to materialise them. One of which was exercising.
I guess, I just need to try and continue with taking baby-steps.
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End of Day 97.
Today has been the worst day in recent history. I went walking twice, not because I wanted to exercise all that much, but so as to avoid bursting out in tears. To try and shake it off.
It's probably also the closest, in my mind, that I've come to deciding on picking up a bottle. The last walk I had, was about 50 minutes and my mind just wouldn't SHUT UP. Eventually I just kept asking 'someone' in my head, what I did to deserve this or why is this happening. I probably mumbled as I walked.
I didn't drink and I won't. But this is the type of low where consuming alcohol seems/seemed like a natural progression of things. As in, if I feel a bit down, then drinking had some element of 'choice' (as much as it is or isn't a choice when in active alcoholism, without thoughts of stopping). But at certain points, either feeling up or feeling down (especially down), the trip to the store seemed like a natural thing. E.g. coming back from a devastating day at work, being fired, breaking up with someone etc. Moments when you don't think, just drink.
I'm inches from begging for some form of encouragement. Apparently the rest of the loosely assembled 'study group' is off somewhere together at a week-long academic event. I wasn't even aware of it happening, as in - no information ever entered my inbox on that subject.
...them/this and the horses they rode in on.
Today has been the worst day in recent history. I went walking twice, not because I wanted to exercise all that much, but so as to avoid bursting out in tears. To try and shake it off.
It's probably also the closest, in my mind, that I've come to deciding on picking up a bottle. The last walk I had, was about 50 minutes and my mind just wouldn't SHUT UP. Eventually I just kept asking 'someone' in my head, what I did to deserve this or why is this happening. I probably mumbled as I walked.
I didn't drink and I won't. But this is the type of low where consuming alcohol seems/seemed like a natural progression of things. As in, if I feel a bit down, then drinking had some element of 'choice' (as much as it is or isn't a choice when in active alcoholism, without thoughts of stopping). But at certain points, either feeling up or feeling down (especially down), the trip to the store seemed like a natural thing. E.g. coming back from a devastating day at work, being fired, breaking up with someone etc. Moments when you don't think, just drink.
I'm inches from begging for some form of encouragement. Apparently the rest of the loosely assembled 'study group' is off somewhere together at a week-long academic event. I wasn't even aware of it happening, as in - no information ever entered my inbox on that subject.
...them/this and the horses they rode in on.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I'm sorry you're so low K, but there;'s always support here.
Drinkings just an express ticket back to day one. No answers there.
Have you tried other ways to deal with low moods besides drinking?
ever seen a Dr for example? does exercise help?
D
Drinkings just an express ticket back to day one. No answers there.
Have you tried other ways to deal with low moods besides drinking?
ever seen a Dr for example? does exercise help?
D
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 98.
Right now, I'm grateful that in the 3+ months I've been sober, I have either come to the realisation (finally) or this has emerged from the sum of my activities, but I find sobriety to have intrinsic value. It doesn't show externally, as is my current case, because based on how I'm feeling, it could easily be Day 2 or 4. I'm ridden with anxiety, easily irritated, constantly worried about something and have feelings that if someone says or adds another gram of something bad, then my back will give out.
I'm behind on all my work, because I'm unable to focus. My foot hurts, most likely from too much walking. I might be coming down with a cold, so I'm groggy. There's no reply on the job front, as if my inbox is being blocked by someone or they just don't give a crap. I haven't been paid, my bank account is running on fumes. I'm lacking someone IRL to talk to about all of this. In the past week, I've just come to expect to worst out of every following day. This is not how I normally am.
But I'm not drinking. I was afraid, but realised it's inevitable at some point, this moment will arrive. The novelty of everything has worn off, it's back to the mundane, mind-numbing everyday of badly organised university bureaucracy and missed deadlines. It's almost as if I were drinking again. The situation is just so similar in terms of how I feel. The little I could do with exercising is currently out of the question, because I'd hurt my foot even more by putting too much weight on it.
So, I don't know, this doesn't seem like a moment to suggest something to newcomers, but I'd say this - be prepared to experience the sort of feelings drinking brings with itself in sobriety as well. It's a test probably no one escapes (or maybe I'm too negative about it atm).
My sobriety is not shaken, everything else currently is.
Right now, I'm grateful that in the 3+ months I've been sober, I have either come to the realisation (finally) or this has emerged from the sum of my activities, but I find sobriety to have intrinsic value. It doesn't show externally, as is my current case, because based on how I'm feeling, it could easily be Day 2 or 4. I'm ridden with anxiety, easily irritated, constantly worried about something and have feelings that if someone says or adds another gram of something bad, then my back will give out.
I'm behind on all my work, because I'm unable to focus. My foot hurts, most likely from too much walking. I might be coming down with a cold, so I'm groggy. There's no reply on the job front, as if my inbox is being blocked by someone or they just don't give a crap. I haven't been paid, my bank account is running on fumes. I'm lacking someone IRL to talk to about all of this. In the past week, I've just come to expect to worst out of every following day. This is not how I normally am.
But I'm not drinking. I was afraid, but realised it's inevitable at some point, this moment will arrive. The novelty of everything has worn off, it's back to the mundane, mind-numbing everyday of badly organised university bureaucracy and missed deadlines. It's almost as if I were drinking again. The situation is just so similar in terms of how I feel. The little I could do with exercising is currently out of the question, because I'd hurt my foot even more by putting too much weight on it.
So, I don't know, this doesn't seem like a moment to suggest something to newcomers, but I'd say this - be prepared to experience the sort of feelings drinking brings with itself in sobriety as well. It's a test probably no one escapes (or maybe I'm too negative about it atm).
My sobriety is not shaken, everything else currently is.
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I have now been sober 100 days.
End of Day 100.
I started writing something here, but then realised that I really don't have much to add to what I've written, in sum, in the past 99 days.
Sobriety has its ups and downs, sure. Then again ... nothing other than sobriety is sobriety. That's where the dog lies buried.
Big thanks to everyone for the help and support during my first 100 days of sobriety.
One day at a time.
I started writing something here, but then realised that I really don't have much to add to what I've written, in sum, in the past 99 days.
Sobriety has its ups and downs, sure. Then again ... nothing other than sobriety is sobriety. That's where the dog lies buried.
Big thanks to everyone for the help and support during my first 100 days of sobriety.
One day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Today is Day 120.
I had some thoughts I wanted to share about how I recently dispelled an AV talk. These 'talks' come up very rarely now and I'm paying special attention to them when they do. From Day 1 until now, the cunning AV and how I've dealt with it has gone from: aggressive arguing between AV and sobriety thoughts (first month), a debate (months 2-3) and something that resembles a mother simply telling a child 'No' (month 4). The differences between what AV tries to convince me of and what I know would be the reality become more and more distinct with each such exchange. As I'm going to Australia early next year, here's the latest 'themed' one:
The AV version: 'You'll get there, tired, but you'll be around new and exciting people for a change. And you're in Australia! You'll see the ocean for the first time! Think how great it would be ... you and your new friends sitting on a beach in the evening after a long day of interesting talks and activities, looking at the sunset, sipping on a cold beer, laughing. You'd be making memories for life! You've been sober for four months now, so you know you can have one or two, how's that going to be a problem? Think about how strong you are, you have already shown everyone in your family that you can go without a drink easily. Plus - who would know anyways, you're thousands of miles away, enjoying the sun. You should definitely have a beer with people there, it's going to be awesome to have a beer.'
Rational sober answer: 'Yes, you'll be tired when you get there. Heck, you'll probably be pretty stressed out on the way there, too. That's no reason to drink, you know that. The ocean you'll see for the first time whether you're drinking or not. The only ocean you need to think about when considering drinking is the ocean of sorrow you'll be drowning in, Australia or elsewhere. Plus, you know how you fly off the handle when you drink. More than likely, there'll be no 'new, interesting people' to talk of when you mess up and go too far with drinking. Or, you know, there'll be new, interesting people, but they won't be interested in spending time with you. Nor you with them, as you're recovering from the shame of a hangover, possibly also some stupid crap you pulled the night before. Memories for life, for sure. Just bad ones, if you drink.
Remember that you're going there to do research - sure, the location is lovely, but you need to prioritise properly, as you have for the four months.
And who would know? You yourself would know. That's the only person you cannot escape from, ever. Yes, it would also be a dagger for your family if you decided to tell them, but the main individual suffering would still be just you. And suffer you will, if you even consider picking up again. Nothing will have changed then.
Could you have a non-alcoholic beer? Well, why bother and tease yourself and risk it? Non-alcoholic beer for you is like taking a shower with your clothes on - you do get wet, but it's not why you went, right?
Believe me, once you're there and you see the sun and you see the ocean and you go for a swim, you'll forget alcohol. Because you're in Australia and swimming in the ocean and meeting new interesting people and taking it all in. If you stay sober, your brain will be sharp, your jokes will be on point, you're calm, you'll enjoy going to sleep tired and waking up refreshed. You know very well, that there's a lot you can offer to people when you're sober. Don't ruin it by giving in to some twisted lies that would lead you back to being that sobbing manchild, who doesn't know what he's feeling or doing. Just ignore the idiot AV'
I took the side of the rational sober voice in this matter. Can't wait to be in Oz
I had some thoughts I wanted to share about how I recently dispelled an AV talk. These 'talks' come up very rarely now and I'm paying special attention to them when they do. From Day 1 until now, the cunning AV and how I've dealt with it has gone from: aggressive arguing between AV and sobriety thoughts (first month), a debate (months 2-3) and something that resembles a mother simply telling a child 'No' (month 4). The differences between what AV tries to convince me of and what I know would be the reality become more and more distinct with each such exchange. As I'm going to Australia early next year, here's the latest 'themed' one:
The AV version: 'You'll get there, tired, but you'll be around new and exciting people for a change. And you're in Australia! You'll see the ocean for the first time! Think how great it would be ... you and your new friends sitting on a beach in the evening after a long day of interesting talks and activities, looking at the sunset, sipping on a cold beer, laughing. You'd be making memories for life! You've been sober for four months now, so you know you can have one or two, how's that going to be a problem? Think about how strong you are, you have already shown everyone in your family that you can go without a drink easily. Plus - who would know anyways, you're thousands of miles away, enjoying the sun. You should definitely have a beer with people there, it's going to be awesome to have a beer.'
Rational sober answer: 'Yes, you'll be tired when you get there. Heck, you'll probably be pretty stressed out on the way there, too. That's no reason to drink, you know that. The ocean you'll see for the first time whether you're drinking or not. The only ocean you need to think about when considering drinking is the ocean of sorrow you'll be drowning in, Australia or elsewhere. Plus, you know how you fly off the handle when you drink. More than likely, there'll be no 'new, interesting people' to talk of when you mess up and go too far with drinking. Or, you know, there'll be new, interesting people, but they won't be interested in spending time with you. Nor you with them, as you're recovering from the shame of a hangover, possibly also some stupid crap you pulled the night before. Memories for life, for sure. Just bad ones, if you drink.
Remember that you're going there to do research - sure, the location is lovely, but you need to prioritise properly, as you have for the four months.
And who would know? You yourself would know. That's the only person you cannot escape from, ever. Yes, it would also be a dagger for your family if you decided to tell them, but the main individual suffering would still be just you. And suffer you will, if you even consider picking up again. Nothing will have changed then.
Could you have a non-alcoholic beer? Well, why bother and tease yourself and risk it? Non-alcoholic beer for you is like taking a shower with your clothes on - you do get wet, but it's not why you went, right?
Believe me, once you're there and you see the sun and you see the ocean and you go for a swim, you'll forget alcohol. Because you're in Australia and swimming in the ocean and meeting new interesting people and taking it all in. If you stay sober, your brain will be sharp, your jokes will be on point, you're calm, you'll enjoy going to sleep tired and waking up refreshed. You know very well, that there's a lot you can offer to people when you're sober. Don't ruin it by giving in to some twisted lies that would lead you back to being that sobbing manchild, who doesn't know what he's feeling or doing. Just ignore the idiot AV'
I took the side of the rational sober voice in this matter. Can't wait to be in Oz
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